PATREON EXCLUSIVE: How To Criticise A Woman's Appearance And Still Get A Positive Reaction

Great example.

Liandra

Although I think you can't judge how she will handle a criticism towards her appearance based on criticism on other areas. Everyone has some week points and are more sensitive to some of that. For example I'm not too sensitive to my appearance because I like my look and don't really care about others' opinion but I'm really sensitive if someone criticizes my knowledge or intelligence because people often think I'm dumb before they get to know me better because of my voice and appearance. On the brightside: women tend to love to experiment with new styles and looks so there is a chance that she will be more open to your idea then you think.

Liandra

Ahaha :D.... I only saw this video after my last comment. 100% on point again. Just a few points I want to emphasize which were already in the video and some new ones: DON'T: - Criticize something on her which she can't change, that's just plain cruel - Try to change her after a short time, for example after a few dates, find someone else instead if you are so bothered (I know it is done more frequently by women but I met a few guyys who tried to do this) - Don't try to change something in her appearance which is a part of her personality, for example if you met a goth girl on an alt rock concert who is very proud of being a goth then don't try to get her looking like a Barbie doll. Find someone else - Never compare her to other girls out loudly DO: - Everything what Alexander told - It helps if you frequently notice positive things in her and you tell it because then she won't feel that you only criticize her. - Don't forget that ALL people have negativity bias so we recall and react to negative things more strongly than to positive ones so try to tell more positive things in the relationship than negative ones. It doesn't mean you should lie, it just means to notice positive things even if they are small. Also as a manager we were taught a way to deliver negative feedback on performance reviews: sandwich technique, look it up on Google. - Give good examples when she looked more like how you would like her to be: for example if you think that she wears too much make up say something similar "Do you remember when you slept in my house? You had no makeup on and I thought oh my god what a beatiful face. I think you should try natural makeup because you have such a pretty face and smooth skin. I want to see more of it." - For weight: train together, if it is not possible tell her that you want to be more mindful about your health and you want her to be as well so you would feel supported in it (maybe this is what my husband did with me :D just joking, he has to drop about 3 kgs too)

Liandra

... and there is one of the major differences between equality let alone foreign grils and non;..... that is, who is she focused on to please and uplift ? ...

K M

Normally I admired the clotting my wife selected. One outfit she started to have on often, I did not like. Politely said I did not like that article of clothing. She reacted very good to what I said. There were other times will use this one example What I said was directed at the clothing not her. Also, in my thinking you need to often sincerely. Give her complements days, weeks, months, years before. These are true small complements to her and about her to others. Thirty true honest complements, to one thing you criticize. These compliments you can recycle using more than ones. Saying in different was. Also new ones as they show themselves. Then use criticisms selectively. With this you should act appropriately to her criticisms of you. I cooked on days she worked longer and on Sunday. Did my laundry except my good shirts. She insisted on cleaning them. My house cleaning rarely past inspection. This made me smile.

Domald

I am so sorry to hear about the stress you have cooking, I really enjoy cooking but it does ruin my enjoyment when it feels like an obligation because I am a woman. Sounds like a lot of family trauma stuff xxx

Alisha

That is a strong argument, tbh I agree about the ultimatum thing, if someone needs to issue an ultimatum the relationship is over tbh xxx

Alisha

I'm really struggling with this one, I must say.  I disagree with Alexander that men have a right to criticize their woman's appearance (vice versa too). Short story is I think it's petty. I would tell my guy to get the fuck over himself and keep his mouth shut about it.  I guess this makes me the 'fuck you' girl Alexander mentioned toward the beginning of the video.  I'm an overweight, wrinkled, middle aged mom. After 25 yrs my man has never said a peep about me losing my physical attractiveness. That's because until a few years ago I worked 2 jobs, did all the cooking & cleaning & laundry, most of the parenting (daycare did the rest), all of the emotional and family labor (remembering bdays, supporting him thru hard times, scheduling dr appts etc), handled all the finances, fixed stuff around the house...you get the picture. If after all that work he had said 'I noticed your physical appearance has changed over time and I don't like it so I need you to change in order to help me feel better about you' I would've laughed in his face.  Watching the vid, the first thing I thought of was: if you dish it out you better be able to take it.  The bf better look like Captain fucking America. Physically fit or willing to spend time and money to get there. Get his haircut the way she likes, dress in the style that she prefers, shave his beard when she tells him. If he does this, then he has a right to expect her to change her physical appearance to please him, since he has done the same. Next, I was curious if he's asking this for his own comfort or for hers? Is he saying it because the thing will cause her harm/distress & he actually cares about her well being? For example, is the issue bad enough it makes it difficult for him to keep an erection? Is he embarrassed to be with her in public?  If yes, then break up with her.  Then she gets to look the way she wants to look and be happy with herself and keep her self esteem.  He gets to look for a girl with a physical appearance that meets his standards and advoids the agonizing frustration Alexander described at not having the perfect vision of a gf. Or is he truly worried about her health or if people make fun of her behind her back, because he really cares for her? Hopefully the bf's sincere concern for her well being will be apparent and not come off as 'I love the beautiful person you are on the inside but unless your outside matches it doesn't work for me'. Third, what's he going to do if she simply says 'no, sorry but I like the way I look'. Does he issue an ultimatum?  If not, then it must not be that important, so why bring it up in the first place? We all have to compromise, even in the best relationships, & we must pick our battles wisely. Don't be surprised if she calls your bluff & breaks up with you for saying it. No woman likes to be told that despite being a good woman in all other ways, it's still not good enough because I also need you to be skinny or wear what I approve of. In my case, of course my husband would prefer a woman who is skinny, shaves her legs, doesn't wear sweat pants in public, & still has high perky boobs.  And of course I want a fit guy with muscles, is strong & sexy, doesn't wear socks with sandals, & brushes his teeth. But we don't say any of those things to each other because changing looks don't matter in the big scheme of things. Raising the kid, our finances, things on the news, having sex, visiting the in-laws, doing fun things together, making plans for the future...those things are way more important to talk about than telling the other that they are not as visually appealing as they should be.  Full disclosure: my husband is morbidly obese so yes, I have mentioned his weight. But in the context of being healthy so he can feel good about himself, or being around to see your kid graduate, walk her down the aisle, see your grandkids, etc. Not because he's no longer 'attractive' to me. I put that in quotes because there is so much more to him that makes me want to be with him, have sex with him, and that contributes to his cuteness, other than his physical appearance.  I'm guessing he feels the same way about me because even as he is growing into his masculinity and taking the lead on many of the things I used to do in the relationship, he still doesn't criticize my looks, even though some would say it is his right to do so. I feel bad for the gf in this story that she obviously doesn't have any other qualities that are good enough in the bf eyes to outweigh the one visual deficiency he's going to ask her to change. 

Jennifer Coopman

I get what you are saying but the alternative is to either leave your partner because you aren't attracted to them anymore, to try and change them or just accept them. This is information on how to change them and I don't know anyone who would change if you went up to them and went "Hey honey, you've gained a lot of weight and I am struggling to feel attracted to you, sorry but just lose the weight" xxx

Alisha

I think this is disingenuous. It’s dishonest to frame an issue like your partner’s weight gain or appearance etc as ‘my problem’.. because it’s not a problem. It’s more of a standard. Especially in this modern age of self righteousness, with our (especially women’s) unending lists of requirements for partners… I don’t see why it’s any different from holding a standard like ‘I don’t tolerate abuse’ or ‘I require sex in my relationships’, or even ‘my partner needs to make an effort with his/her appearance when they’re with me’. Why is ‘my partner needs to not be obese’ any different? Or more generally, ‘I need to be attracted to my partner’? And if gaining weight or wearing too much makeup is hindering your attraction - or if the roles are reversed, and your man isn’t holding a secure job or taking care of himself physically, or becoming alcohol dependent - why aren’t all of these worthy standards to have? I know it’s complex bringing issues like this up with a partner without offending them, but I don’t think it’s worth pretending like they aren’t legit boundaries you hold, and like they’re your ‘problem’, not your partner’s.

Oliver

Damn Alex, smart. I love how you take on the hard questions.

Blair

True Story on me criticising a woman's appearance: Bfore reading, "How to Win Friends and Influence People": I commented on an instagram post a girl had put out with he face heavily doused in make up saying, "do you want some face with that make-up?!". I got blocked in seconds! After reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People": Different girl, simimlar circumstances but something along the lines of, "Your natural beatuy is tainted by make-up! Your aesthetics are best untampered!". Got likes, positive comments etc. If haven't read the book already, do give "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie a read! It's my go to guide on being tactful and getting the best out of any relationship be it freind to friend, employee to boss, romantic etc. It's a classic!

Ashwin Srinivas

Establishing frame where you can pass criticism should worth alone whole risk. Even without instant results.

Ignas

I think your suggestions are fair. Although, the cooking one is a personal trigger for me 😬. Take one abusive grandfather and a grandmother who never ate a hot meal in her life and who I witnessed being slapped numerous times in the face for subpar meals (according to grandpa anyway). And, a step dad whose criticisms were so cold I can’t even tell you how many times my mom cried over the years….. and you get me. A girl with such anxiety about cooking that I hate doing it and refuse to have people over for dinner (unless we order out or my husband is going to grill). As for my husband… he learned in our first year living together about this anxiety and we had to have the “is this a deal breaker” conversation (I.e. that I would I NEVER be the type of wife who always cooked). Thankfully it wasn’t and our lifestyle has been that he cooks sometimes, we go out to eat or get carry out sometimes, and I cook sometimes. I am actually not a bad cook but I’ve had to try a number of strategies over the years to deal with the stress it evokes.

Oh one of my sneaky tricks is that if I do have to make a criticism I say something along the lines of "I am going to say something and I don't say this with the intent of hurting your feelings, it's because I am concerned for you because I care about you so much" and I if the criticism is a bit bigger then I will say something like "The only reason I am going to tell you this is because I know you are a really mature person who can take this criticism and you know it isn't meant to be taken to heart" or "I really respect you and know you are someone I can tell anything too because of your maturity" xxx

Alisha

Great video and I agree, the last point is also quite sneaky but tbh I don't feel it is bad or anything, I have a few sneaky methods too. Tbh it really depends on the aspect of the appearance I am critical off. For instance, I didn't like the clothes my partner was wearing so I bought him something I knew he would look good in as a gift and complimenting him and told him he was sexy (I wasn't lying he was looking sexy). I also have told him we should have a fun shopping day out for a new wardrobe. Frame it as something fun. For weight gain, I tend to bring that up in a "Hey, I noticed you've gained a bit of weight and you've been eating more, are you stressed out? You can speak to me if you are. If you are stressed is there anything I can do to help you? I am concerned about your health". Now for make up (this one doesn't apply to me as my male partner doesn't wear make up) I would just compliment her more without make up. Just say things like "you have so much natural beauty, I love seeing you face without make up because your natural look is so beautiful". Tbh this depends on how much and how often she uses make up but like the weight gain thing you could ask her why she wears make up and if she feels insecure to have her natural face on show xxx

Alisha