CH 36 - Ragdoll

A/N: I have changed Lizzo, the lizard, from Lizzo to Shade. Nothing else has changed but I decided this fit the story better. The previous name broke immersion. 

Chapter Thirty-Six

Ragdoll

Peak of Autumn, Week 5, Day 3

For all that I tried to be in control, the anger inside of me wouldn’t abate itself. That, logically, I knew being left alone was not odd. I had been in a room with a single entrance on hallowed ground. There was no mortal threat. Still. Another part of me was screaming.

“Would you like us to show you around Juvel, my Lady?” Sir Limrick quietly asked as we made our way quickly out of the church house after expedited goodbyes to the priestess who had greeted us.

Control yourself, Nora. I hissed in my head.

“Really rather not,” I said, my voice measured with just a touch of irritation leaking.

Sir Limrick gave me one of his tight-lipped-not-smiles-but-close, “What about visiting a park?”

I nearly snorted, “Are you trying to socialize me or something?”

At his stunned look, I stalled and turned to look at him fully, “You are. Like I’m –like I’m some kind of rabid–”

My voice cut off as I became overwhelmed with frustration.

“Rabid dog.” Klein amusedly finished for me. I pointed at him and nodded.

“Sir Limrick.” I tried very hard not to hiss, or growl, or yell.

He simply grabbed my arm and gently pulled me with him as he continued walking down the steps. I did not stumble behind him, instead speeding up my movements, so I was fighting to be in front.

“My Lady, you are very polite and kind,” Sir Limrick spoke smoothly despite my attempts to drag him along instead of the other way around, “But you have been alone long before this excursion.”

We were at the last step, and as Sir Limrick spoke, I froze. Turning towards the knight, I said coldly, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I have been brief–”

I yanked my arm away from him, and he released his hold easily, “You know nothing, Sir Limrick.”

If you knew the truth, would you shove me out into the world more or less?

“Lady Eunora,” Arlen chipped in, “I don’t think he meant it in a bad–”

“I don’t care what he meant,” I turned on the squire, “You’ve overstepped.”

Is this anger reasonable? Is this my anger? Are these the people responsible? I tried to take a deep breath – to get through to myself. It wasn’t working. I wanted to assuage my anger. I wanted to spit vitriol. Is this what a child would say?

“None of you know me,” I could feel it, the exact moment the edges of my vision turned dark. I brought my hands to my head, pressing into my skull, before looking up at the sky above us,  “None of you even like me.”

At that, three voices erupted.

“My Lady–”

“Lady Eunora–”

“Damn–”

But I wasn’t listening. I was turning on my heel, and whispering.

“[Silent as a Shadow]”

The world turned to shades of grey, the sounds of footsteps, strangers, birds –they all fell away. Everything around me became fuzzy as if I was in a dream. The Skill was so much more intense now. Like I was in a whole new world. It was disorienting –but not enough to make me stumble. So I put one foot in front of the other and began to run.

One step. I felt my heel slam into the cobbled street. It jarred me.

Three steps. My hair whipped behind me. I focused on the empty space in front of me, dodging the blurred shapes of passer-bys smoothly.

Ten steps. The greyness began to crack. I could see it at the edges of my vision –color was returning to the world. I didn’t know why. No. I did know why. I just wasn’t ready. I sped up.

Fourteen steps. The world shattered, and vibrancy returned. I had been expecting it, so I closed my eyes as I took another step. The world fell away –literally. I kicked my feet, but I wasn’t moving. Instead, when I opened my eyes, I was looking directly into the face of a frowning bald man with bulging muscles.

Captain Rellar was holding me up by my armpits.

“Let me down,” I fumed, indignant.

“Absolutely not,” he grunted.

I tried to kick him, but I was too far away –dangling too thoroughly.

Become the God of Nora.

Use your Skills.

“[Steal Nerves]”

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to use it like this. If this was ever a domain of the Skill. But, still, I felt the world shift.

“Let me go, Captain Rellar.”

“No,” his hard gaze faltered momentarily, and I felt my anger solidify within me.

This anger is right. And it is mine. Somewhere inside of me, I had the same sense of wrongness I had felt the first time I used the Skill. But it couldn’t combat the strength of my confident anger.

“Why not?” I said, “Worried about me? Or just doing your job?”

I could see it, the moment his eyes changed. The moment he was overwhelmed by my Divinity. The moment–

“Turn of the Skill, my Lady,” he ground out.

I blinked, and the Skill broke –just like with [Silent as a Shadow], this monster was too much. The fight drained out of me, my anger disappearing. In its place came thick, streaming tears. I maneuvered my arms so I could cover my face and have some semblance of privacy as I broke down. Hot tears hit the soft body of Noir. He was just big enough to hide my view of the world.

Wrong. That Skill is so, so, so w r o n g. How could Morloch tell me to use this? I yelled in my own head, Why did I trust a damn God!

“My Lady?” I heard a feminine voice say to my side. The sound of footsteps running toward us echoed behind me.

I felt more and more people surrounding me, but I couldn’t stop the tears –and I refused to let anyone see my face, so I pressed Noir closer to me. I heard some muffled words and felt the wind gently brushing past me. Captain Rellar was holding me out like a bag of flour that was on the verge of bursting.

“What’s the matter with her?” Came Klein’s confused whisper.

“She’s just a kid. She must be–” Arlen’s voice wasn’t as cheery as usual, and somehow, that made it unbearable to listen anymore.

“Lady Eunora,” the same feminine voice I could now place as Dame Arella called to me, “Please look at me.”

I shook my head, but I felt the movement as Captain Rellar lowered me to the ground. Through no intentional effort and, instead, pure instinct, when my weight returned to me, I caught myself. I leaned my head down and refused to look up.

“My Lady–” Dame Arella’s voice was soft as she spoke, and I croaked an unintelligible response. To which she said, “What?”

“Nora,” I garbled through Noir’s fabric, “I just want to be called Nora.”

A gentle hand pressed down on top of my head, and then I was wrapped in a firm pair of arms.

Dame Arella spoke so softly I almost didn’t hear her say, “Nora, it’ll be all right.”

-

How embarrassing. I sighed as I stared at my puffy eyes in the mirror at the inn. I was sequestering myself in the bathroom out of a mix of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. Crying took the fight out of me.

Not to mention that, a full two hours later, Dame Arella still refused to leave my room.

“I’m fine!” I shouted through the door for the dozenth time.

“Then come out and face me!” She shouted back.

“No!” I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face.

I’d really given the knights a shock, apparently.

I poked the pink skin around my eyes. Another knock resounded. I gave a sigh and took a deep breath.

“[Sophism]”

The world was awash in red, not a white line in sight.

“Come on, Lady Nora,” Dame Arella’s voice sounded tired, and I only had myself to blame. That was where the guilt came into play.

So, dismissing the rotten Skill, I ripped the door open, immediately focusing my eyes over Dame Arella’s shoulder and distinctly not on her face, “Fine! I’m here, I’m fine, no more weird tears –if that’s even what they were.”

My voice was more solid than I’d expected, but I could only hold myself off for so long before my gaze flickered to the frown on Dame Arella’s face.

“Lady Nora, I really think we should talk.”

“I want to go to sleep.”

“It’s 5 o’clock.”

“I’m really extremely tired.”

“Fifteen minutes, my Lady–” as I flinched at the title, she quickly corrected herself, “Lady Nora–no, Nora. Come, sit down.”

Dame Arella gestured to the bed. That’s all there really was in this room, after all. An oversized bed with a half dozen knit animals, an oversized black blanket —that I had definitely not put there— and the bedding it had come with. There was space aplenty to walk around, but no other furniture besides the wall-mounted shelves that held the same style of bag my clothes always came in.

I dragged myself over to the soft mattress, kicked off my shoes, and crawled to the center of the bed –pillows closing me in on either side and knit animals by my crossed legs.

“I’m here,” I whispered as if it was being waterboarded out of me.

Dame Arella’s blonde hair was pulled back, and her brown eyes were focused on me. As she approached, she moved slowly as if scared to spook me. As if I was a feral cat. I snorted mentally at the thought, and a wry smile crossed my face.

I called myself a rabid dog earlier, didn’t I? Can’t be mad if that’s how they see me.

As I was chastising myself once again for being embarrassing, Dame Arella seemed to be composing a speech. I could see the contemplation and resistance on her face.

“You really don’t have to worry about me,” I tried, only my voice wobbled, and Dame Arella furrowed her brow.

“I really think I do,” she sighed, “We thought you were scared of us, that it was normal. Kids are always either scared or in awe. It’s never– It isn’t – Not that you–”

She ran her hand across her jaw, at a loss, “We never thought we came across like that.”

I reached out and gripped the nearest knit animal –Haze, the panda– and pulled him close to me.

“It’s really not anyone’s fault. I’m just–” my voice was raw, tears pricking at the back of my eyes, and when I continued, I was whispering, “– I’m broken, I guess.”

Dame Arella closed her eyes, “You’re too young to be that broken. You have too much to give. It’s not that we don’t like you, Nora. It’s the opposite. If we let how much we’ve become invested in you cloud us, we’ll compromise your safety.”

She opened her eyes and nodded slowly, “I was already willing to let you ride with us –if the Captain hadn’t reminded me we’re here to keep you safe, I would have let you. What if a blight had gotten through the formation? Siobhan is constantly fighting brambles off from the scout line. If you got hurt? You’re just a child. We’d never forgive ourselves.”

I stared at Haze intently, heat creeping up my cheeks. But Dame Arella made a frustrated sound.

“George is constantly scolding Neil and Undein for begging off their chores when we break so they can check on you. Not to mention, the Captain is meticulously planning the rotation to keep you safe. He absorbs the mana you release–” She stuttered but continued as my eyes snapped to hers, “ – and keeps the wards topped up. We can all feel your aura, my la–Nora. The strings of fate melt before it, and it’s a burden we want to share.”

She paused, “Will you let us share it?”

They knew –they knew the whole time. I took a shaky breath. No matter what I do, I’m left open like a fresh wound. My nerves on display and frayed for any stray passing thought to destroy me.

“Nora,” Dame Arella said, eyes scanning me, “Focus.”

I shook my head and looked up at her, “I…”

“You are not alone. You have the knights of the Dusk.”

I swallowed.

“Will you trust us? Will you give us some of your burden to bear?”

“I…” I squeezed Haze tightly, letting a thought form I had pushed down again and again.

I had let myself fester because the pain felt right. The grief was mine to bear in a world that was anything but home. Above it all, though, from the moment I awoke, I had a single thought.

I’m lonely. So, so, achingly lonely.

“I’ll try.”