Down For The COWnt!

Author's Note: This was recently posted to DA, it's a comm I did for a friend. Thought it was fair I post here as well so my Patrons can have ease of access! Tournament of Change P7 gets released tomorrow night, sorry it took a bit!

Things had gone from bad to worse for a pair of police officers known as Judy and Nick. After a series of silly and goofy head-swaps, the pair had found themselves as a multi-headed bovine! Now a two-headed cow like the kind you'd see in old PC games, the pair had just been milked by the farmer donkey Horseradish. After all the head-swapping shenanigans, it fell to Jam (who now had Judy's body) to undo all the bizarre shenanigans his science has wrought. Unfortunately for the group, things were about to get a whole lot more silly...

The monkey-headed bunny was getting impatient waiting for Horseradish to finish milking the two-headed bovine. He wanted his body back now! Unfortunately, his head was a bit too heavy to keep holding the device, much to his dismay. He looked over at his cow-headed monkey body, which gave him an idea. "That could work!" He said with a smirk.

Jam handed the gun to the mindless cow, hoping that he can teach the bovine how to use it. "Okay, so all you have to do is press the red button, zap yourself with it and then me. Got it?"

The cow-headed monkey looked at Jam mindlessly, "Moo?"

Jam took a deep breath before speaking slower, "Press red button, fire at yourself! Then press it again, fire at me,"

"Moo?"

Jam sighed as he continued to hold his head up with his tiny bunny paws, "This could take a while..."

As Jam continued to instruct the cow-headed monkey, the other cow (wearing Nick's body) stumbled into the room. The cow-monkey spotted it and attempted to wave, only to press the trigger by mistake and blast both her, Jam, and the cow-fox. The situation results in Jam's monkey body having both cow-heads, with Jam's head now attached to both Judy's and Nick's bodies at the same time!

The strange monkey-headed chimera now had Judy's body facing forwards while attached to his neck, and Nick's body facing backwards. Now having more limbs than he was used to, Jam struggled to control them. Any attempt to move his front left foot moved his bottom right foot and vice-versa. "This is not good!" Shouted Jam as he desperately attempted to orient himself.

Having one body that could barely support his head was bad enough, but having two bodies he could barely control was even worse. Jam took a step forward, only to hear a sickening "CRUNCH!" He gulped and looked down, realizing he had he just stomped the gun by mistake with his many clumsy feet, "Crap! I better get this fixed before Nick, Judy, and Horseradish get back!"

Meanwhile, Horseradish continued to milk the two-headed cow that Judy and Nick had become. Nick sighed, "I'm sorry for getting you into this carrots. I never meant for us to end up as this thing!"

Judy gave Nick a reassuring smile, "It's alright, Nick, we've been through weirder!"

"We have!"

Judy giggled playfully, "Well, not really! I'm just trying to make you feel better!"

Nick laughed as well and bent his head closer to Judy's, giving her a kiss on the cheek, "And it worked!"

The bunny head blushed, "Oh, Nick!"

The two were so caught up in their playing that they had completely forgotten they were getting milked! Horseradish continued to milk the two as he scratched at his head in confusion, "Can't say I ever seen a cow carry on a conversation with itself before! My friendship with Jam keeps getting weirder and weirder..."

After milking the two, Horseradish sat down on a nearby stool. He wiped the sweat from his furry face, "Wowie, what heat we got today! Alright, since ya been milked today, you should go check on Jam! He should be finishin' with yer device just about now,"

The fox and bunny heads nodded in unison. "Sounds good!" Shouted Nick.

Just breathed a sigh of relief, "Good, I hope we can get our bodies back right away! No offense, Nick, I just prefer to not be within kissing distance of you at all times!"

Nick wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "No kissing before marriage, Carrots?"

Judy blushed, "M-Marriage?! Look, let's just focus on not being a cow first and then we'll tackle whatever comes after!"

The two then began walking back to the barn, finding it easier to move as a cow than they did before. They were like a well-oiled machine, with Judy controlling one half and the Nick the other. One of them would put one leg forward, than the other. Despite their strange predicament, they had quickly gotten used to it! They both hoped that it wouldn't be for much longer.

The duo then entered inside the barn and found Jam there, his head now attached to both Judy's and Nick's bodies. The two-headed cow's mouths stood agape, perplexed by how Jam could mess things up so horribly. "Jam, what the hell?!" Shouted Nick.

The monkey panicked as he flailed his many legs around awkwardly, trying desperately to steady his two bodies in the process. "I can fix this!" Jam said in a panic, his many limbs flopping around like spaghetti noodles.

Judy scowled at Jam, "I don't see how! You've really messed things up,"

Jam nodded and started moving his double-bodied head towards the barn door, "I'll just go to my lab and fix this! It'll be easy!"

Judy raised an eyebrow, "You sure you'll be able to operate your devices while controlling two bodies? Seems like it'd be a bit cumbersome,"

Jam gave the pair the thumbs up, "Don't worry, I can handle it! Though it'll take a bit," Jam then hobbled out of the barn and started making his way home.

"Make it back in one piece, Jam!" Nick shouted at the monkey-headed chimera.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine! If I'm not back 2 hours, send someone to look for me,"

"Can doooooooooooooo!" Nick blushed embarrassingly, surprised by his sudden moo-ing in the middle of a sentence.

Judy winked, "Don't be nervous, Nick, you make a fine cow!"

"You too, Judy! But hopefully Jam can fix this before it becomes a permanent thing,"

The two-headed cow then returned to the fields, and began grazing on the grass. With Judy's and Nick's heads working in tandem, they were able to munch grass twice as effectively as the average cow. Hours passed as Judy and Nick finished grazing and were milked once more. However, it quickly became clear Jam wasn't coming back.

Judy looked at Nick with concern as the pair were being milked, "Jam's still not back yet!"

Nick sighed, "You're right, Carrots! Maybe we should che-OOF!" The pair recoiled as Horseradish accidentally pinched one of the teats on their udder too hard.

"My apologies, pardners! Sometimes my hand slips!"

The fox head growled, "You did that on purpose!"

Horseradish shook his head, "Not at all! Though I take it you two want to check on that silly monkey, I take it?"

The pair shook their heads in union, prompting Horseradish to let go of their ahead, "Alright, go ahead!"

"You mean it?" Asked Judy with a smile.

The donkey nodded, "Yep! But ya better bring back this cow's body, I ain't letting you two come back here without it. I don't care who's head is on the cow's body when it's brought back!"

"Alright, can do, Horseradish!" Nick said as the two-headed cow began to walk away.

Horseradish sighed as he grabbed the big bucket of milk and hauled it towards the barn, "Ah say, things have gotten a lot weirder around here since I became friends with Jam..."

The pair turned to leave, only for Horseradish to stop them. The donkey sight, "Wait, pardners! Do ya even know where he lives?"

"Uh... Nope!" Said Nick with an awkward smile.

"Alright, I'll give ya two a ride in my truck. Just remember, a cow is coming back with me one way or another,"

"Thanks, Horseradish!" Shouted Judy.

"You're welcome! I'm too nice for my own good..."

Horseradish then loaded the two-headed cow into the back of his beat-up old truck and sped into town, the various furry bystanders watching in awe as the vehicle sped past them with the chimera aboard. The donkey then pulled up to Jam's tree mounted lab, and spotted a familiar face near the tree. This was none other than Jam's chunky meerkat girlfriend Meerina, who was currently lowering the rope-operated pulley so she could climb the three.

Horseradish waved as he pulled up in his truck, prompting Meerina to wave up back! He laughed as he rolled down his window, "Heya, Meerina!" She almost dropped the pulley mid-wave, but managed to catch it before it could smack against her long, sensitive feet.

"H-Hey, Horseradish!" Squeaked the meerkat as Horseradish left his truck and opened the back of the vehicle, releasing the two-headed cow.

Judy, Nick, and Horseradish approached the meerkat. Meerina's mouth stood agape at the strange chimera standing before her, "W-What happened to you two?!"

The trio explained the bizarre series of head-swaps that had unfolded to Meerina, who listened to their strange story with bated breath. Once they were done, she giggled to herself, "S-Sounds like an average Jam adventure to me!"

"It's not funny, we have to fix this!" Shouted Judy.

Meerina nodded, "C-Can do! I came here to see what Jam has been up to myself, I haven't seen him in a while and have been concerned,"

"Well, I'll leave ya to that, pardners! Remember, y'all better come back with a cow!"

Horseradish said, before hopping back into his truck and taking off. Meerina turned to the two-headed critter, "A-Alright, I'll operate the pulley and get you both up there! Then we'll see what happened to Jam!"

The fox and bunny nodded as Meerina lowered the pulley. After loading them onto wooden platform, Meerina pulled the three of them up into the air and towards Jam's tree-lab. Once up there, Meerina tied the rope to the deck and walked up to the door. She knocked on the door, "Jam, you here?"

The door creaked open from the knock. Judy narrowed her eyes, "Yeah, that's setting a creepy MOOOOOOOOD!"

Nick chuckled, "Now who's mooing?"

"Sh-Shush, Nick!" Said Judy while blushing.

Meerina entered the door and motioned for them to follow, "N-No time to bicker, guys! We gotta find Jam and get everyone fixed!"

The three stumbled through the dark, as they heard the sounds of shuffling and inhuman sounds. Just then, something pounced out from the darkness at Meerina! She screamed and leapt away, only to look at the creature and quickly realize it had Jam's body! It was his body at least, for the creature had the head of a butterfly.

Meerina stared at the creature as her eyes opened wide, "Wait, if the butterfly has Jam's body, then that means..."

Suddenly, a tiny butterfly landed on Meerina's nose. With the insect close up, she could see it had Jam's head! He gave her a nervous smile as he waved one of his insect legs at her, "H-Hey, Meerina!"

Meerina panicked, "J-J-Jam, what did you do?! How did you end up as a butterfly?!"

"Well, my head was attached to both Judy's and Nick's bodies at the same time. I tried to use a teleporter to separate myself from them, only for a butterfly to enter the device just as I powered it on. The butterfly and I were swapped as a result! Though I did manage to bring the cow-heads and my body back to the lab using the teleporter before the swap, they're somewhere around here!"

Nick sighed, "Well, what are we going to do now? With you as a butterfly and Judy and I as a two-headed cow, we won't be able to operate the device!"

Jam smiled and kissed Meerina's nose with his tiny lips, "We can't, but Meerina can!"

She pointed at herself, "M-M-Me?!"

Jam nodded his tiny head, "Of course! I mean, you're the only one of us with fingers. It has to be you!"

She gulped, "A-A-Alright!"

Meerina walked over to a nearby console, where Nick's headless body lied. She looked at the console, "Which button do I press, Jam?"

Jam flew away from Meerina's nose and towards a red button, pointing his insect leg at it. "That one!" Shouted the monkey-headed butterfly. Meerina nodded and pressed it, causing her and Nick's body to be zapped. When the blast of light faded, Meerina's body was now headless and her head now on Nick's foxy form!

She gasped, "Eep, I'm a fox!"

Nick narrowed his eyes at her, "What's wrong with being a fox?"

Meerina gasped as she grabbed hold of his new fluffy tail, "S-S-Sorry, I meant no harm when I said that! Just I've never been a fox before!"

Nick smirked proudly and closed his eyes, "Ha, it's fine! I know my body is quite the enticing specimen to those of the opposing gender!"

Judy rolled her eyes, "Oh, brother!"

Meerina then started to pull down her pants, revealing her red-furred lower body. Nick opened his eyes and stared at the meerkat, now bare around the legs. "Meerina, what the heck?!" Shouted Nick.

"S-Sorry again, Nick! I'm just used to be pants-less in my body, and you have fur so I thought it wouldn't be so bad..."

Nick sighed and gave her a reassuring smile, "It's fine! It's only us here anyways. You can go pants-less, just fix this!"

Meerina saluted the fox-headed cow, "Can do!"

"Alright, just try another red button, Meerina! I'm sure you'll get it eventually!"

"Okay..." Meerina then pressed another button, zapping both her, the two headed cow, and Jam! Jam found his head back on Nick's body, Meerina's on the left side of the cow, and Nick's head on the butterfly's body.

Judy pouted, "Darn, I'm still a cow!"

"I-I-I'm half of a cow?!" Meerina said in pure panic.

"Yooooou sure are, just like me!"

"Did you just mooooooo again, Judy?"

"Yep, so did you!"

Meerina blushed, "O-Oh my!"

Jam smirked as he looked down at his pants-less fox body, "Ah yeah, half-naked fox bod! Why didn't I think of stripping your body while I was in it before?"

Nick growled as he aggressively flew around Jam's head in his new butterfly body, "Dammit, Jam! You better fix this right now!"

"Fine, don't crease your wings there, 'Buttermilk'!"

Nick raised an eyebrow, "'Buttermilk'?"

"Yeah, because you were a cow previously and now you're a butterfly, hence me calling you 'Buttermilk'!"

Everyone collectively groaned at Jam, even the butterfly wearing his body. Jam grumbled and crossed his arms, "I thought it was a good joke! Anyway, time to fix this..." The monkey pressed the button again, only for two cow heads to suddenly appear on his shoulders, "Ah, there you girls are! Now let's just..."

Jam quickly found that he couldn't control his foxy body! Jam's head was in the middle with the cow heads to the left and right of them, each one controlling half the body. With Jam in the middle, he was nothing more than a passenger!

The cows caused Jam's body to flail his arms and legs about, unable to control himself. Jam panicked, "Somebody help!" In an attempt to stop the cows from controlling his body, Jam smacked his head against the console causing another swap! A blast of energy hit everyone in the room, causing Jam to close his eyes.

When he opened them next, he looked down and found that his head was now on the cow's body! He sighed, "Can this get any worse?!"

Jam then heard a voice clearing its throat, prompting Jam to turn his head. When he did, he found Nick's head right next to him. Jam's eyes opened wide, "We're sharing the same body?!"

Nick glared at the monkey, "Yep! You messed up big time, Jam,"

Jam then felt someone else's neck brush against his, prompting him to look back and see meerkat ears dangling close to his face. "H-Hi Jam!" Meerina's voice said.

Judy's voice spoke as well, "Yeah, so have you all ever heard of a four headed cow? Because I think we might be the first of our breed,"

The four of them were surprised by their sudden sharing of a body. Jam's and Nick's head were at the front, while Judy's and Meerina's were facing backwards, with their necks pressed against their male counterparts. Jam narrowed his eyes, "Okay, I can press the button again with my tongue! However, the four of us will need to work in sync to control this body,"

Jam then took a step forward with his leg, while Nick did same with his. However, Meerina and Judy were having trouble with the back legs and threw off the cow's balance as a result. They stumbled about on therirhooves, like a drunken cow that had been tipped way too many times. "Keep it together, everyone!" Shouted Jam, while desperately trying to get the group to cooperate properly.

The four-headed cow eventually made their way over to the console and was about to press the button when Meerina interjected, "W-Wait, what would happen if we hit a button on the console with our tongue?"

Jam raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"W-Well, so far we've been hitting the buttons on the console with our fingers and it's done random stuff, right? Wouldn't things get even more random and nonsensical if we were to hit it with our heads?"

Jam paused to think about it, "You're right, Meerina! Maybe just hitting the button randomly is making things worse. We should strategize and think of a better sol-"

Before Jam could finish, the butterfly wearing his body ran up and smacked its against the console. Jam sighed, "Oh, nevermind!"

The machine powered on one more time blasting everyone in the vicinity. When the light cleared, the group found themselves even more mismatched. Jam's head was on Meerina's body, with her head on his! The butterfly's head was on Judy's body, with Nick being the only one to have his head back on the proper body! The fox smiled, "I'm me again!"

"Nick, help!" Judy's voice shouted, prompting him to turn around and see Judy's head still on the cow's body! Not only that, but she had to share it with the other two cow-heads.

Nick panicked, "Oh no, Judy!"

Just then, Nick felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Judy's body standing there with the butterfly's head attached. "What's the matter, old boy?" Asked the butterfly in a smart and rather enlightened tone.

"You can talk?!" Shouted Nick.

Jam snickered, "Ah, so that's what touching your head to the console does! It makes you a super genius!"

The butterfly nodded, "Quite right, my fellow genius! Now what did you need help with, Nick?"

"I need to get Judy out of that three headed abomination!"

The butterfly glanced down at the console and noticed it was beginning to spark and breakdown, "Well it looks like you'll only have one attempt! If you use the console, it'll cease working and you'll be stuck that way! Are you really willing to sacrifice the body you just got back to save the one you love?"

Nick looked back at Judy and gave her an earnest smile, "Of course!"

The butterfly then pointed at a button on the console, "Very well, this button will affect only you and Judy. Just note there's no coming back from this!"

Nick gulped and moved his finger towards it, "Of course..." The fox swallowed his pride and pressed the button, blasting both him and the three headed cow with an intense light. The bright light filled Nick's vision, causing him to close his eyes. When he opened them next, he found himself now as the middle head of the three-headed "cow-mera". He sighed, now being stuck to a body he had little control of!

He turned and saw Judy running towards him, now wearing his fox body, "Nick, I can't believe you sacrificed yourself for me!"

Nick gave her a reassuring smile, "You act like I died! Look, I just didn't want to see you stuck to this thing forever. I've been a cow longer, so it's only natural I stay this way!"

Judy sobbed slightly as she hugged the fox's head. The monkey-headed meerkat began to cry as well, "So tragic!"

Meerina gave Jam a firm hug, "T-There there, no need to cry! Even though this is kind of your fault..."

Jam looked down at the ground bashfully as he wiped the tears off his face, "Oh yeah, right.... Sorry about that!"

Meerina petted her boyfriend using her new monkey paw, "It's alright, Jam! I'm sure they'll adapt, plus we've been each other so much, that being each other has become second nature to us!"

The butterfly-headed bunny nodded and walked up, puffing on a pipe, "Quite right, my simian friend!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about you! What are you going to do now?"

"I shall write a novel based on the strange events that transpired today. My sudden evolution, the bizarre circumstances that lead to it, and our bizarre head-swap situation!"

Jam clapped his meerkat paws together, "Can I help you write it? I do know all the parts you weren't there for!"

The butterfly nodded and threw his bunny arm around the monkey-headed meerkat shoulders, "Of course! I believe this is the beginning of a fantastic partnership,"

Meerina tapped the monkey's shoulder, "Before you two write your book, aren't you going to try to reverse this?"

The monkey and butterfly collectively shook their heads. "Sorry, Meerina, it's impossible! We've swapped heads so much that our heads are now permanently bonded to our new bodies. Even if the device was fixed, there's no reversing it,"

"Quite right, unfortunately. This is just our lives now. Although I may be able to make ONE last alteration…" The butterfly said as he looked over at Nick and Judy from afar.

Judy sighed as she heard the news, "I don't care if this is permanent! I'll visit you at the farm every day, Nick!"

Nick nodded, "And I'd be happy to have you, Judy!" Judy continued to hug the fox's head, until the buttterfly-headed bunny interrupted them by clearing his throat.

“It would appear the machine didn’t explode after all, so…” He then proceeded to press the red button, blasting Nick and the cow heads once more. The cow heads were removed from the cow-body, only to be placed on the butterfly’s old body instead. Once done, the machine fizzled out and broken down completely.

Nick breathed a sigh of relief, now only being a one-headed cow, “That’s better, wait… Why didn’t you just swap me back into my own body?!”

The butterfly shrugged, “If I tried to do that, I’d end up mixing us up even worse! A last minute ‘cow head removal’ was the best I could do,”

Nick sighed, “Well, it’s better than being stuck as a cow-mera for the rest of my life!”

Judy gave the fox-head an earnest smile, "Yep, and being a cow is not so bad if you’re taken good care of! In fact, I may be able to help with that...”

And so, Judy walked the cow back to the farm, in order to live out its stranger and much more peaceful life. Several months passed and a lot of things changed: Jam and the butterfly put out their novel and it was a hit with head-swapping fans the world over! The pair would appear on talk-shows and even do modeling gigs with their new female bodies. Meerina served as Jam's "agent" of sorts, managing the monkey-headed meerkat's public appearances.

Nick continued to live his life as a fox-headed cow, enjoying his quiet and much more down-to-earth life-style. Of course, he did miss having his old body and life, but it was quite peaceful!  Judy had taken up a job as a farm-hand to look after Nick, something he enjoyed quite a bit.

Nick was grazing one day, when Judy walked towards him, “Judy, I missed you!

The bunny-headed fox giggled and leaped over the fence, "You ‘missed me’? You just saw me yesterday, you silly cow!" She ran towards Nick and gave his head a firm hug.

"True, but I can still miss you, can’t I? Just because I’m a cow from the neck down doesn’t mean I can’t long for someone!”

Judy smiled and hugged the fox-headed cow, “I’m just glad you’re the one longing for me! Even as a cow, you’re still a great friend!”

Nick winked at Judy, “And you’re a great bunny, even as a fox! You’ve always been too crafty to be an ordinary bunny anyways,”

“And you’ve always been goofy to be an ordinary fox! Regardless, I think it’s milking time!” Shouted Judy as she pulled out a bucket.

“Ah, my favorite time of the day! Moooooove that bucket over here and let’s get to work!”

“Sounds good, Nick,”

And so, Judy got to milking the fox-cow once more. Despite his strange circumstance, Nick felt at peace. Maybe he had gotten used to being a cow due to having spent the longest time as one, or maybe he just didn’t care as much as he let on initially. Regardless, he was fine was where he was at too as was Judy, and that’s all that mattered to either of them!

THE END!