Hard Digest July 22: Clarence Thomas, Early Access Dave Matthews Band, Dancing, Nature Valley, and More

Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris Nomination

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race, confirmed sources worried about long-distance phone rates.

“Oh my god, Donny is so flippin’ funny sometimes. When Ginni (Thomas) handed me the phone and told me who it was I turned bright freakin’ red, aaaaaaaah,” said Thomas while practicing writing “Clarence Trump” in his notebook. “We talked for hours about obscure legal precedents that could force delegates to pledge their votes to Biden, and we also talked about different ways to interpret the 25th Amendment and before I knew it five hours had already gone by. I kept being like you need to hang up first, and he told me I needed to hang up first. Then I asked him if he liked anyone on the Supreme Court like, more than a friend. I told Donnie I’m going to be on Harlon Crow’s yacht for the next few weeks and he needs to come by to party.”

Other members of the Supreme Court are starting to show signs of jealousy because of Justice Thomas’ flirty rapport with the Republican nominee.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feel like I’m invisible when it comes to Trump,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh trying to hold back tears. “After I helped end Roe v. Wade I was expecting maybe a call or a text saying he was proud of me, but I got totally ghosted. Everyone looooves Clarence, but I’m the one that perjured myself during my confirmation hearings. I guess that means nothing to some people. If I don’t start getting some respect around here I’ll drift more towards the center. I’m serious, they won’t be able to count on ol’ Brett to end Obamacare, nope. Sorry, not sorry. Shoulda thought of that when you bailed on my birthday party.”

Janice Escovitch of the Supreme Court watchdog group For the People is alarmed by the relationships Trump has with so many justices.

“It’s kind of sad at the end of the day, these are full-grown adults being strung along by a power-hungry madman and they don’t even realize they are being used,” said Escovitch. “There was a recent series of photos with Trump and Justice Neil Gorsuch on what seemed to be a date at a mini golf course at Mar-a-Lago. The former president was standing behind Justice Gorsuch to help him with his swing, and there was even a photo where they were sharing an ice cream cone. Trump is a player, and these justices don’t understand the game.”

At press time, Justice Thomas was working up the courage to ask Trump to be his date to the annual Supreme Court Winter Formal.

Chicago Braces for Worst After Dave Matthews Band Private Jet Scheduled to Fly Over City

BY MATT HUSSER 

CHICAGO — Local residents are reportedly hunkering down and preparing for the worst after Dave Matthews Band’s private jet was scheduled to fly over the city threatening another fecal catastrophe, city officials confirmed.

“No, no, no, this can’t be happening again—I finally made a breakthrough at therapy for the trauma caused by the first time Dave dumped liquid shit onto me during that architecture tour,” said Martin Hall, survivor of the Dave Matthews Band Chicago River incident. “I can’t leave my apartment now, his airplane could be right above the city just waiting to unload any minute now! Dave Matthews is probably waiting until I leave the front door so he can watch gallons of his shit water crash into me! Oh god, I need to call my therapist.”

One shop owner witnessed the chaos in the streets as Chicago residents frantically bought out supplies so they could wait out the aerial excrement assault.

“This big mob rushed into my shop and cleaned me out of paper towels and Lysol, and I had to call the cops after two guys got into a fistfight over the last toilet plunger,” said Clark Gilbert, owner of the Grey Street Mini Mart. “I tried to tell them that there’s not a plunger on God’s green earth that’s going to save them if Dave Matthews rains a biblical flood of shit down on you from the sky, but when people start panicking there’s no reasoning with them. Personally, my insurance plan if I get caught in this shit storm is a 9mm bullet with my name on it. If it comes to that, well—I’ll see you in hell, Dave Matthews.”

City officials were already scrambling to have the flight diverted before disaster strikes the city again.

“Can’t Dave just fly over Milwaukee or something? Hell, you could dump 8,000 gallons of shit on Indianapolis and no one would even notice,” said Chicago city official Paul Amir, pacing during a phone call with the Department of Aviation. “The Mayor’s breathing down my neck because his niece is having a birthday party today and I need to assure him that some jamband isn’t going to rain a poonami of shitwater down on the bouncy castle.”

At press time, Evangelical Christians were gathering in the streets to witness the “11th Plague” that would soon arrive, claiming it would signal the beginning of the end times.

I Tried To Dance Like No One Was Watching, But People Were Watching And Now They’re Saying Mean Things To Me

BY CHARLES BILL 

People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because I tried to take their advice and people fucking hated me. I’ve never been so humiliated and now I fear for my safety.

I’m usually a wallflower. But after a couple of stiff drinks at the local piano bar, I tried to come out of my shell and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve never seen so many horrified faces. Their disgust turned to anger, their anger turned to hatred, and that’s when the name calling started.

At first it was just a few of them laughing and asking if I was ok. I told them “I’m just trying to groove” and that made things worse. They called me things like “Pig Fucker,” “Chode Chugger,” and “the biggest mistake my parents ever made.” It really seemed like a personal vendetta all because of my moves.

I just kept trying to move my arms rhythmically while pumping up my knees. That’s all I remember, the rest of my dancing was a blur of sweat, nervousness, and head bobs. Then things started to get physical. Someone threw a rotten tomato at me. Then a person threw a folding chair that really messed my knee up.

I kept trying to dance. One child who was there pointed at me and started crying before burying his face in his mother’s breast. I think someone threw up. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life up to that point.

Eventually a large man assembled what I can only describe as a posse of do-gooders who all dragged me off the dance floor. One sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that if I got back up there he would break my fucking legs if I tried to do that again.

Somehow my dance moves offended everyone in both personal and cultural ways. I united the entire bar in hatred against me like Ozymandias from “Watchmen.” In my sad state I looked for the friend who I had come with, who had encouraged me to dance in the first place. When I found them, they denied me, as Peter denied Christ.

One thing I learned from this harrowing experience is that I’ll never even attempt to make my own kind of music.

Nature Valley Introduces “Just Crumbs and Dust” Breakfast Bar

BY REECE NAPIERSKI 

MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North American audiences next month, confirmed sources who stopped buying those 15 years ago.

“We’ve spent $2.4 billion in research and development powered by the latest AI. It’s groundbreaking and brave,” said Nature Valley CEO Jeff Harmening. “Consumers can now carve their own path when enjoying our award-winning granola debris. They are no longer confined by traditional paradigms of rolled oat bars that are solid and stay together organically. Our focus groups ensured us the experience was ‘liberating’ albeit ‘confusing’ and ‘unwarranted.’ Still, it tested way higher than Apple Jacks ever had.”

Bailey “Big Dog” Harmening, the 17-year-old intern credited with coming up with the concept who just so happens to be the CEO’s son, described the creative process behind the product’s development:

“I thought, what if these bars were like, even more smashed up, yo. It’d be hella funny,” said the high school student. “It has all the health benefits of granola, but it’s in powder form. You know when you’re eating an oat and honey-flavored Nature Valley granola in your car and about 30 tiny pieces of it unexpectedly break off and they end up all over your seat, floor, dashboard, center console, cup holder, gas tank, and engine? That’s what sets us apart. Our products defy the laws of physics.”

Hervé Carver, a leading food scientist of 40 years, noted that the “Just Chunks and Dust” product is the latest step in major food processors trying the first idea they come up with.

“In the last year we’ve seen the McDonald’s Grimace Meal, Kraft’s Chubby Checker Chunky Cheddar Mac and Cheese, and, of course, Arby’s Slop Restaurant,” said Carver. “It’s increasingly clear that the industry thinks consumers will eat anything that you put in front of them, and they’re not exactly wrong. For instance, Hamburger Helper was invented as a joke in the ‘70s and people still eat it up today. No one even knows exactly what it is for sure.”

At press time, Nature Valley also announced that their granola bars will come with their own little vacuum cleaner to pick up the inevitable crumbs.

Phantom Thieves Successfully Clear Biden’s Palace

BY KYLE DUGGAN 

WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm.

“This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t understand the calling card, but I guess Jill helped him with that. I just hope his replacement is romance-able.”

President Biden was both relieved by the defeat of his Shadow Self and horrified by his previous actions.

“Holy cow, Jack. Why was I still in this race?” said President Biden. “I mean, I know it was my own corrupt thoughts manifesting themselves within the Metaverse and clouding my decisions, but c’mon, man. I didn’t realize how much malarkey was building up in my head. I almost let that alley cat win the election—and I’m not talking about Morgana. I’m glad the Phantom Thieves helped me out and made it clear that it was time for me to pass the baton.”

At press time, Joker was reportedly on a departing train when he thought he caught a glimpse of Hunter Biden standing on the platform.

Hulk Hogan Is A Terrible Person, But I Will Never Forget How He Saved My Screening Of Gremlins 2

BY DAN BOOKBINDER 

Nowadays, Hulk Hogan is considered a mediocre, overhyped, delusional, racist hasbeen, but due to his selfless behavior in my showing of “Gremlins 2: The New Batch,” he will always be a hero to me. 

When Hulk appears in the news these days, it is to spout a constant stream of easily debunked lies. Whether it’s saying that Elvis was his biggest fan despite being dead before Hulk debuted, allegedly turning down offers to join both Metallica and the Rolling Stones, or saying that he worked 400 days a year because he did so much international travel.

In 1990, my parents decided to move to suburban Livingston right at the end of second grade and I didn’t have time to make friends. Summer came and the Jewish Community Center’s Day Camp was abuzz about “Gremlins 2: The New Batch.” I had taped the original off Channel 11, and after seeing how depressed I was, my father relented and agreed to take me to the movie on my birthday since I didn’t have any friends to celebrate with. 

We were enjoying the movie from the balcony of the Millburn Cinemas, when sound became warped and the film started flickering! The film burned and it was just a white screen. We had no idea what to do. Gremlins appeared on the screen and started doing shadow puppets. Even then I knew Gremlins weren’t real, (and for the record, I know wrestling’s fake too), but we figured it was either disgruntled workers or somehow prankster teens in the projection booth. My dad sent me to get an usher. I looked around, and no one was in the lobby. I went back up the stairs, I heard Hulk Hogan’s unmistakable voice, and by the time I got back to my row, the crowd was cheering and the movie was back! I asked Dad what happened and he said some bald blond guy got them to start the movie up again. Wow! Impressive move from a man who uses racial slurs as foreplay! That’s when I knew Hulk Hogan was a true hero! For the rest of the movie, I peeked over the railing to see if I could spot the man who took time away from ratting out unionizing wrestlers to come to Central Jersey to save our movie experience! 

I figured he would be swarmed outside the theater, but since we stayed to watch Daffy Duck’s hilarious commentary over the credits, we must have missed him leaving. 

Eventually I made friends and one day we ended up watching “Gremlins 2,” and there was a break in the VHS version too! But it was completely different, with TV static, news clips, a bible epic, and John Wayne fighting cowboy gremlins. I tried to explain the scenario I witnessed, but they didn’t believe me.

Over the years, whenever I see Hulk Hogan, whether on a reality show creeping on his own daughter or being Peter Thiel’s pawn to dismantle freedom of the press, he always holds a special place in my heart. I just wish he was there in 2007 when I saw Grindhouse to find out why my theater had a scene missing.

Rocksteady Announces Next Season Of Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League Will Be A Coyote vs. Acme Tie-In

BY PETER CUNIS 

LONDON — During a livestream from their headquarters in London, the five remaining members of the development team for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League announced that the next season of the live service game would be themed around fan-favorite Warner Bros. film Coyote vs. Acme.

“After the successful mid-July launch of our winter-themed season, we’re thrilled to bring Wile E. Coyote and…Acme? I guess?…to the ongoing adventures of the Squad,” said Bill Parker, the only remaining writer for the game. “I have to say, this tie-in means a lot to me personally. Coyote vs. Acme is a movie that really changed my outlook on writing and made me realize that I, too, could vanish into thin air if it gave somebody a tax break.”

The fact that Coyote vs. Acme was never released and has only ever been shown to a handful of people did not seem to deter the Rocksteady crew.

“Fans are going to be thrilled when they see what’s in this season’s battle pass. Harley Quinn will get a t-shirt that says ‘Acme’, King Shark will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote’, and…um…Captain Boomerang will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote AND Acme’,” said remaining 3D artist Joe Philadelphia. “And of course, you’ll get to meet the newest member of the Squad, Will Forte. He does all of the things the other squad members do — shoot a gun, jump around — but he says lots of quips while doing it. Well, I mean, the other characters do that too, but his quips will be more like…um…”

“Oh, and you’ll get to fight the Flash again. He’ll be orange this time. Like a desert. Because Wile E. Coyote lives in a desert,” added Philadelphia right before the stream abruptly ended.

Fans took to Reddit to voice their frustration with the announcement. 

“How dare Rocksteady add Will Forte as a character before they’ve even added Poison Ivy or Deathstroke,” posted user SuSquaBoi10319, “We want you to ruin more DC villains before you bring in guest characters. And why were all of the developers so nervous and sweaty for the whole livestream? And why was one of them holding up a little sign that said ‘Please help us’?”

Shortly after the livestream, David Zaslav ominously tweeted a single laughing emoji.