My Pokémon Life as an Eldritch Abomination 2

There I was, paddling my ass through the waters of Pokémon Hawaii, when it kinda just hit me. I could go anywhere. Kanto. Sinnoh. Even Unova on the other side of the world..

But there was a downside. I was an Ultra Beast now, a fucking Pokémon. I was still coming to terms with that. If I left now, I wouldn’t be able to find out more about what the fuck happened. The Aether Foundation were the only ones that studied them.

Also, Lusamine would probably expect me to try and get as far away from Alola as it was possible to go. And so, I was going to stay right here. I was going to hide in plain sight!

And after that? Well, they probably vet their employees thoroughly, so trying to infiltrate them that way wasn’t likely to work. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t a way. After all, Lusamine was fond of using Team Skull to do her dirty work, and infiltrating a bunch of delinquents? I was born to do that… for a certain definition of born.

It didn’t hurt that I was a big fan of their whole aesthetic between Plumeria and the Team Skull grunts.

Yeah, I just had to kick Guzma’s ass and then play the part of a perfect minion for Lusamine. And then bam, surprise motherfucker… minus the fucker.

The first step? Training montage, complete with Rocky theme song. Alola had a few main islands but a thousand smaller ones, and it was on one of those smaller islands that I swam for. At least water wouldn’t be an issue seeing as I had no trouble just drinking from the ocean. There were some perks to being an Ultra Beast.

Once on the island, it was time for an introduction. The Ditto inside the Poké Ball I yoinked was understandably confused, but I already had a speech in mind.

“Ditto! You and I are kindred spirits!”

The adorable purple blob gave me something resembling a confused look. “Ditto?”

Shucks. I hoped I’d be able to understand Pokémon, seeing as I was one now, but no dice.

“Kindred spirits!” I flexed that new part of me and turned myself the same shade of purple.

“Ditto! Ditto!” The Ditto gave a look of concentration and suddenly there was a second me.

“Now you’re getting it!” Maybe it wasn't perfect, but that’s why we were here. “By the time I’m done with you, you’re going to be the most amazing Ditto to ever Ditto!”

“Ditto!” Hearing that cute noise out of my mouth was fucking hilarious.

Honestly, I was kind of relieved at how quickly the Ditto agreed. Maybe it was just as tired of the Aether Foundation.

I held out my fist. “Once you perform the sacred fist bump, there’s no going back.”

“Ditto…” It looked at its/my hand and then made a fist. “Ditto!” And just like that the fist bump was complete and the Rocky theme song started playing in my head.

The days and weeks that followed all kind of blended together. Neither I nor Ditto needed to sleep much either, and we weren’t picky eaters.

One of those days found us staring one another down. “Come at me!”

Ditto had been nervous about fighting me at first, but that only lasted until I proved I only looked like a fragile humie. Now he came at me like a black ball of shapeshifting insanity, having copied me perfectly.

I met him with a crash, dirt going every which way. We both uprooted one of the coconut trees to use as weapons. It was good fun.

I wasn’t sure how strong Team Skull’s Pokémon would be here, so I made sure we went the distance. It was probably a few months after my escape that I decided boot camp was finished.

We sat on a beach as we watched the sunset, bumping coconuts this time. “Ready to stake our claim on the world?”

“Ditto,” was the serious reply.

I set out to Po Town the next morning, the town that Team Skull was supposed to have taken over. I’d been tinkering with my new face for some time, and sue me, I made myself the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. I’ll just have to try not to be too vain.

At the entrance, I gave a little wave, leading to a few of them coming out to interrogate me.

I recognized all three of them as soon as they got close, the three Team Skull morons from the anime. Them (very dramatically) introducing themselves as Tupp, Rapp and Zipp confirmed it, though I obviously only had eyes for Rapp.

In my defense, it was a rather lonely few months on a deserted island, and she was really rocking the pink hair.

Then Tupp got in my face, ruining it. “Hey, hey, you trying to pick a fight, tough guy?”

That was exactly what I was doing, so… “Yup.”

He was probably confused at my candor as his eyes went to the one Poké Ball looped on my belt.

“One Pokémon? Take a look at this numskull, yo!”

His two compatriots were similarly amused, though Rapp scrunched up her pink brows when I winked at her. My fancy Hawaiian shirt (that was actually just a part of me) showed off my chiseled abs nicely.

Tupp though only seemed to grow angrier, throwing gang signs at me. “You not taking us seriously, man? I hate that!”

They all soon stared at the Ditto that came out, at least until they started snickering. My brother in spirit and sometimes in body took it with poise and dignity. “Ditto.”

“Salandit, come on out!”

The Salandit like its name might suggest looked like a salamander with a bandana. “Salandit?” It was probably confused because there was now a perfect copy of it staring back.

The sheer speed with which Ditto transformed had also unnerved its owner, not that he was going to admit it. “Salandit, use Poison Fang!”

Ditto didn’t need me to tell him what to do, jumping over the charging Salandit and returning the same move with deadly precision, leaving a nasty injury.

Tupp just blinked stupidly for a few moments, but that just gave Ditto enough time to light the Salandit on fire.

He quickly returned it to its Poké Ball. “What’s the big idea, yo?”

I gave him a shit-eating grin. “What?”

He just gave me the stink eye in return, because what was he going to do? Complain about me handicapping myself by not giving Ditto commands?

After fighting me a thousand times in the school of hard knocks, Ditto was well used to fighting his own battles.

Tupp sent out another Salandit for all the good it did him. As the poor fucker proceeded to get its ass handed to it by Ditto as well, I got closer to his two compatriots.

“You know, I do get it. Being pushed into the island trials as a kid and then being shit on if you don’t measure up immediately? It’s all kinds of stupid.” If I was going to be the boss, I had to at least try and give a damn about their plight.

“Who are you anyway?” Rapp asked as she tried not to stare. I could tell my being smoking hot was messing with her head.

“Took a boat from Unova. Wanted to go somewhere warm and far away.” Unova was the closest analogue to where I was actually from. “And I get it cause I was also something of a problem child back home.” I was kind of a fugitive right now. That had to count for something.

Rapp gave me a look more funny than hostile. Progress?

“Yo, you’re in a battle right now.” Zipp kind of looked like a Snorlax as he looked behind me. “I guess you’re winning though? That’s one crazy Ditto, man!”

“Damn straight he is.” And yeah, I knew Dittos technically lacked a gender, but we had a bromance going and everything.

Their leader was throwing a hissy fit as his second Salandit got knocked out as well.

“Dammit, man, you asked for this!” Another Salandit came out, this one looking more badass, maybe. It’s hard to tell when his third and final Salandit also proceeded to get completely demolished. “Uoooooohhh!”

He proceeded to fall to his knees and punch the ground dramatically. It was seriously funny. I already love these guys.

I went to help him up like a good sport. “Good stuff, man. But the truth is I’m here to pick a fight with Guzma.”

That got me funny looks from all three of them. “The boss?”

“The boss.”

“Hahahahaha!” Tupp got back up and punched his palm. “Now that’s something I’d pay good money to see! Even with that Ditto, you’ve got no shot, man! No shot!”

Tupp kept talking all kinds of shit about how screwed I was as we headed for the run-down mansion at the end of town. I just tuned him out as I sidled up to Rapp. “You got a boyfriend?”

“B-Boy?” Her pink brows scrunched again as she pointed a finger at me with some sass. “You playing a joke on me, yo?”

“Nah, just think you’re cute.”

“Ditto.” She half snickered and half giggled at Ditto agreeing with me. I didn’t know he knew how to play wingman, but I wasn’t complaining.

I kept up the flirting, but she was kinda trying to put on a tough face in front of her friends. That’s fine. I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’ve hatched anyway.

Guzma was lounging on his fancy purple armchair of a throne when we entered. Perfect. Though with the dark rings under his eyes and the white hair, he looked more like someone going through a mid-life crisis than a delinquent.

“Nice throne, dude.” I pushed to the front and stared him down, Ditto right behind me. “I challenge you for it.”

That got some murmurs out of the Team Skull members there, but he just laughed. “You morons just let anyone in these days?”

“B-Boss, he—”

“Ah, shut up!” He looked back at me. “Challenge me for the throne? Been a bit since anyone found the balls, new guy!”

“Let me take care of it,” a new voice said. Plumeria.

Mmm, the dusky skin, two-tone hair, bright yellow eyes. Girl was fine. Though maybe the pink Team Skull tattoo on her belly was a bit on the nose. I get that she was kind of the big sister of the gang, but come on. That placement could give a guy ideas.

Guzma brought his fist down on an already beat-up armrest. “I know you’re not saying I can’t fight my own battles?”

“Hmph.” She stood aside as Guzma rose and pointed a finger at me.

“You’re on, funny guy! I’ll make you my court jester after you lose!” He guffawed at the idea, the others joining in like the gaggle of sycophants they were.

I didn’t take it any harder than Ditto did earlier. I just found them all too funny.

He sent out his first Pokémon then. A Pinsir, its massive mandibles snapping.

“Ditto,” I said simply, the purple blob of a Pokémon now facing his opponent down with all the certainty of a monk. There were more laughs at that, though not from a certain three.

“Bug Bite and follow it up with an X-Scissor!”

I had an idea of why Ditto hadn’t transformed yet, and as the Pinsir went in, the little guy took advantage of how quickly he transformed to catch the oversized beetle by surprise with an X-Scissor of his own.

The Pinsir was still standing, but the X-Scissor really did some damage. The laughter died out quickly.

“You got this, buddy!” I cheered. I kinda missed fighting myself, but yeah, that would basically be painting a giant neon sign on myself for Lusamine.

“Harden up!” Guzma grumped.

The Pinsir quickly turned shiny and metallic, but Ditto did the same. It turned it into something of a slog, except Ditto wasn’t suffering any trainer lag like the Pinsir was. The end result was inevitable, and the sounds from the Team Skull grunts were like a swarm of bees now.

“Shut up, you idiots! I’m not losing! Pinsir, get back here!” I was a little surprised when he went straight for his Golisopod next, the monster of a Pokémon coming out charging. “Show them your best First Impression!”

I saw why now. The sheer speed Golisopod moved with even caught me by surprise, and Ditto got run over as a Pinsir still. Seeing as his Golisopod was much stronger, that wasn’t good.

“Follow it up with Liquidation!”

He really was upset. Still, my boot camp was definitely paying off as Ditto was only bruised, and he transformed just in time to throw his own wave of water, splashing water every which way as the two waves crashed into one another in an awesome way.

I didn’t mind getting a little wet, but some of them complained.

“Again! Then Razor Shell!

I laughed when Ditto cut in with a Sucker Punch, rocking the Golisopod back. It did mean tanking a wave, but transformed as he was now, he already kinda was a tank.

“Swords Dance! Razor Shell! Again! Again! Again!”

It quickly turned into another slog. Fucking Bug-types.

Honestly, even Ditto was beginning to tire after fight after fight. It would suck if we lost, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could still pull off my plan as an up-and-coming…

Wait. What was this pansy doubt all of a sudden? Ditto sure as shit wasn’t feeling it, as he just pulled off something I didn’t even know he could do, becoming half-Pinser and half-Golisopod. Both Guzma and his Golisopod were so bamboozled that Ditto had plenty of opportunity to throw his opponent through a wall, a few of the grunts complaining at it narrowly missing them.

“What the shit was that!” Guzma complained as he eyed the hole in the wall.

Ditto had transformed back to a blob in the meantime. “Ditto!”

“Shut up before I stomp you!”

“Ditto.” I think I could translate that as ‘Try it, fuckface.’

He made a tsk and went over to check on his Golisopod, pulling the monstrous bug back into its Poké Ball after a moment.

He then looked back at me, and to my surprise, the fight had gone out of him. He still had Pokémon to spare, after all, Golisopod having been his ace in the hole or not. Ditto was putting on a brave face, but there might be a Poké Center in his future if he kept going.

“I don’t know what hole you and this damn Ditto crawled out of, but it’s yours. Enjoy leading this bunch of morons.”

There were cries and protests of ‘Boss’ but he ignored them.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t be back, you numskulls! Cause I will be!”

Wait. Did that mean I had a rival now?

Plumeria tried to stop him from leaving, sending me the stink eye, but he had already stomped off.

“Good shit with whatever that was at the end there.”

The purple blop took the praise with grace. “Ditto.”

I went to the throne and planted my ass down. It was comfortable, if a bit beat-up.

There were a few grumbles at my doing so. Maybe I should give a speech.

I stood back up. “Listen up! First things first, I’m going to make the trains run on time.”

I looked around. They didn’t get the joke.

“It means you won’t be living on a diet of leftovers and sleeping in beds that are more bed bug than bed.”

That did get some enthusiasm. Even these guys weren’t going to pretend it was cool to live in squalor.

“And how are you going to do that?” Plumeria asked, still giving me the stink eye.

By getting in good with Lusamine. But I couldn’t say that.

“You’ll see. A magician never reveals their secrets.” She didn’t get that one either. Maybe I should cut back on those. “I’ll put my money where my mouth is. If it doesn’t work, I’ll step down.” I just couldn’t help myself. At least that one wasn’t hard to get.

Her Sith eyes stared into mine. Talk about sexual tension. “You’re not from Alola.”

“Nah,” I easily admitted. “But I’m a kindred spirit. I know what it’s like to be looked down on. You don’t see many people with just a Ditto, do you?”

She snorted. “I guess not.”

“Ditto.”

“What he said.”

Plumeria sighed at our antics, looking back at the grunts. “Party’s over!”

There was a collective “Awwww” as she stomped out.

I’ll win her over yet, but right now my eyes were elsewhere. Rapp had been staring at me for some time, though she quickly avoided my eyes when she saw me looking, going back to giggling and snickering with another of the girls.

“Hold down the fort,” I told my partner in crime. Winning had given me a nice ego boost.

The new girl had black hair and surprisingly pale skin for an Alolan, a whole goth punk vibe going on. I digged it.

“Who’s your friend, Rapp.”

She seemed surprised at me remembering her name, maybe. Her friend then introduced herself as Margie, which fit. Honestly, I was starved for some actual conversation and attention. The last time had been with Lusamine and that was… yeah.

“Why don’t I take you girls out.” I still had some money I stole from the Aether Foundation on the way out. Not like I had much to use for it on a deserted island. “Any cool spots nearby?”

“There’s an arcade in Malie City that me and the guys go to when we’ve got some money to burn,” Rapp admitted. “Has the best milkshakes.”

I put my arms around them. “Sounds like a plan.” If I could pull it off, I was totally going for a threesome. I deserved it after the past few months.

I tried not to think about Lusamine and the Aether Foundation as we left. I had a plan, and it was going well. I just had to hope she wouldn’t catch on until it was too late…

AN: With the tie, I decided to just have Cynthia go on a beach vacay to Alola later. Which means Lusamine + Cynthia is on the menu. That should be fun.