Fool's Gold

Most stories you see where someone gets isekai’d, it’s usually by way of a truck or a train, maybe a knife. Not this guy. It was a peanut that got me. A fucking peanut!

There I was watching an old movie I hadn’t seen in years, and, feeling in the mood for a snack, I grabbed a bag of peanuts.

Now, I won’t go into details, it was not my proudest moment, but the next thing I knew I was climbing out of a hole full of what looked like technicolor slime. Felt like it too.

If for some reason you ever get the urge to try out a slime bath, don’t.

Anyway, in between going through the mother of all existential crises, I noticed some guy ranting and raving as he knelt at my feet. A suspiciously familiar guy, mind you. The stuff he was saying too, about striking down the false gods…

“Fucking relax,” I told the guy who was obviously the murderhappy high priest guy from the movie. Pretzel-Kan or something like that. “Start from the beginning.”

And, like clockwork, he recounted the events of the movie to a T. That two liars had come to El Dorado, and so he took it upon himself to call upon a ‘real god’ to smite them down.

I was feeling a terrible sneeze coming on toward the end, and with it came some more of that technicolor slime. Blegh.

Besides that, I felt fucking good. I was fucking shredded, and taller, maybe? Maybe this wasn’t so bad.

Also, I didn’t need to breathe. I still could, but if I stopped, nothing really happened?

I stared down at him. “Take me to them.”

So, I had been thinking about a few things as he monologued at me. The movie might have been real cutesy about it, but the New World was about to meet the Old World, and anyone who’s ever opened a history book knows how that went.

Maybe a peanut never really did me in and this was all a dream, but it all felt pretty fucking real to me, and so self-preservation dictated I did something about it. Otherwise, it was being burned at the stake as a witch for me.

The two con men were lounging on their thrones as we approached, and Pretzel-Kan didn’t wait for me to start shit.

Not that I was paying all that much attention to their bickering. Nah, my eyes were on someone else.

Chel somehow looked even better in the flesh. The wide hips, the thick fucking thighs, the long black hair. There’s a reason that most of the time the movie was mentioned these days it was because of her.

Though the way she was sending nervous glances at me, maybe I shouldn’t be staring. Or maybe it was because I was kinda towering over everyone else.

I should try being more personable…

I laid a hand on the high priest’s shoulder. “The gods are also merciful, are they not?”

He looked back at me, confused. “They have made a mockery of the gods. Of you!”

“The gods can appreciate a clever trick. It is not why I have come.”

The only way to beat a con is an even bigger con. They probably teach that in con school, or they should.

The dynamic duo chuckled nervously as my eyes found them again. “The two of you sailed here from Spain with a man you know will put these lands to the sword, and yet you did not warn these people.”

“How does he know that?”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

“Have you seen him?”

“You have a better idea?”

“That—”

I wrapped my muscled arms around their shoulders. “You know I can hear you, right?”

They both made a funny sound, though in this case it was probably because I was walking around half-naked.

“Godly business,” Miguel informed me. “We’ll be with you in a minute.”

Tulio facepalmed, but I left them to their group therapy session anyway, only to run into an absolute unit of a man. Right. The chief.

Maybe I should introduce El Dorado to sumo?

“You mentioned evil men,” he said worriedly.

“Yes. There are lands far and away across the water,” I started dramatically. “The men there will bring war and disease to these lands in search of treasure, and in the future they will build, you will be but a footnote.”

I was honestly just winging it, but Pretzel-Kan got it.

“Then we must prepare!” he shouted.

“The city was hidden by the gods, Tzekel-Kan,” the chief rebuked. “We should not answer war with war.”

The high priest gave him an annoyed look. “A thousand years we were given, and a thousand years we have had! A new age is upon us!”

Tzekel-Kan suddenly pulled out a knife from somewhere, offering it to me with his head bowed.

“I beg you, show them true divinity.”

And what if I did still bleed? Woopsies?

Whatever. I took the knife and sliced it across my palm, or tried to anyway. Nothing happened. I tried harder until the obsidian shattered into a dozen pieces.

Neat.

I did however remember him animating a massive statue like he was in some kind of mecha anime, so I still wasn’t convinced myself. But the mumbojumbo was promising.

Also, they were all on their knees now. It was kind of a rush, but I probably shouldn’t let it go to my head. You never wanted to drink your own Kool-Aid.

Still, these would be my people now. I should say some words.

“Warn as many of your neighbors as would listen,” I told the chief. Then I turned to the spiritual leader of El Dorado. “You will teach others what you have learned, Tzekel-Kan. You will not win this fight with strength of arms alone.”

The guy looked like he was about to nut, so I should probably add a caveat…

“Willing sacrifices only.”

That bummed him out some, but he seemed very gung-ho still about the whole waging war thing. Anyway, now that I was less at risk of being surprised by the Spanish Inquisition and had also stuck it to the peanut that brought me here…

“Chel.” She gave me a deer-in-headlights look as I looked down at her. “Bring those two. We should talk.”

I climbed the steps to their godly quarters and made myself at home, waiting for them on a throne of colorful pillows. Chel ended up having to practically drag the two inside.

“It was a good trick,” I told them, looking at my nails. A god had to be at least a little vain, yeah?

“It was his idea!”

“My idea?”

“Yes, your idea!”

“Only until we could get our hands on—”

“When you figure out who is to blame” I interrupted, “you can find me and tell me what you plan to do now.”

They shared a glance. “We can stay?”

I shrugged. “Why not. Now shoo. I need to speak with the actual mastermind behind your plan.”

I still had no idea what I wanted to do with those two. Meh. I’m sure I’ll figure something out later.

Chel kept her head bowed, but she soon shooed them out herself after they lingered too long.

I beckoned her closer, and she sat beside me, the cloth that hung from her hips doing an awful job of shielding her from my eyes. “You have a keen mind, Chel. If not for you, they wouldn’t have even got this far.”

Her big brown eyes found mine. “Thank you?”

“Now, I could punish you, but I think I’d like to reward you instead. El Dorado has a high priest, but not a high priestess. Though maybe learn from Tzekel-Kan what you can first.”

She made a face at the mention of him, but didn’t argue with me. I think I even saw some greed shining in her eyes. “What should I call you? What should we call you?”

I blinked. Fuck, she’s right. I never even gave them a name.

“I have had many names,” I said mysteriously. “Feel free to give me one. That will be one of your tasks.”

She quirked her head, but didn’t question it. The gods were the gods was what I imagined she was thinking.

“Another will be recruitment. My domain is one of love as much as it is one of war.”

“...I understand,” she said slowly. I could see she didn’t.

It was time to push the bar.

“A cup of my divine essence should serve as a fine rite of initiation.”

Her tongue snaked out to lick her plump lips. “Divine essence?”

“Do I need to spell it out?”

She gave me a wicked wink after a moment. “I’m sure I can find a few who would want to drink from a god.”

I leaned back, satisfied. “I was also thinking about what kind of rite of initiation the high priestess should pass herself. I wanted to ask for your opinion.”

I gave her a shit-eating smile. This whole thing had brought out a side of me that was utterly without shame.

Chel looked away a moment, but then her eyes returned. Suddenly, she straddled me, her sleek midnight black hair tickling my bare chest.

“You are a lecherous god. How do I know you aren’t just tricking me?”

“You don’t.”

Her nails pulled on my skin, but just like the knife, they didn’t even leave a mark.

“Do you want to put your divine essence somewhere else?”

“Three places. I am a greedy god also.” My hands found themselves on her hips. Fuck, she was fine.

I groaned when one of her own hands was suddenly tugging at my divine rod. It had also seen some improvement.

It seemed to get her pretty hot and bothered as she soon pushed aside her loincloth and brought the angry purple head to her pussy. “I have never ridden a god before,” she admitted to me.

“First time for everything.”

Chel made a low mewling sound as she brought herself down, and, fuck, even that much made me happy. It was a tighter fit than I was used to, however, and she was struggling to take more.

She mananged anyway, staring into my eyes as she bounced her hips and complained about how much of me there was. Not that I could realistically maintain eye contact when her hips were doing something like that. Shit was fucking mesmerizing.

I should build a small shrine to Peanut-kun. Maybe he was the hero I deserved all along, saving me from the 9-5 grind so I could find my true calling here.

Fuck, I knew this body could do more. Flipping her around, I enjoyed her surprise, though that surprise quickly turned to something stupid as I wrapped my arms around her and fucked her into the pillows like a man possessed.

“Ughh… ooooghhhh…” Faster. “NGH… NGGH… NGGGGHH—”

Suddenly, she felt even tighter. Heh. Made her cum.

Thinking about it, what was stopping me from just breeding her? Knocking her up with some divine brat?

I held her even tighter as I chased my own climax, and I found it.

I groaned into her ear and she mewled into mine as I painted her womb fucking white. She was so enthusiastic, and soon I’ll have even more priestesses. This was the life.

Pulling out of her with a sigh, I fell on my back. It was strange. Normally, I would feel exhausted, with a heavy dose of post-nut clarity right around the corner, but now there was none of that.

I watched as she slowly came back down to earth, playing with her hair. A hand went between her thighs to touch her pussy gingerly as if she couldn’t feel it. There was so much white, and I thought it looked even better against her brown skin.

“This has to be enough divine essence,” she mumbled.

“You want to call it quits?” With a tug of her top, I bared her tits to my eyes. Chel was the definition of bottom heavy, but they were still nice and soft.

Her eyes soon found mine, a fire in them.

“The high priestess of such a lecherous god can’t admit defeat so easily,” she joked. Or maybe it wasn’t a joke as she soon dragged herself back up, using my thighs to keep herself steady.

Her eyes found what had just been inside her, still slick with her juices, but that didn’t seem to bother her as she got to work, her plump lips dragging up and down the length of it. Eventually, she moved one of my hands to her hair, around the time she started gagging on it.

I got the hint, holding her dark hair tight as I ruthlessly pushed her down, her nails digging into my thighs. “UUUGHHK—” It was when she started humming that I knew I wasn’t going to last long.

“UGHK. UGHK. UGHK. UGGHHHKKK—”

I only let her go after I filled her stomach, and she drew back coughing, her eyes red and teary as she spit some of it out into her hands.

I did a double take. When did my cum go from white to a taste the rainbow skit?

Hmm. Thinking about it, it kinda looked like the slime I pulled myself out of to get here? Chel was also staring at it curiously, rubbing it between her fingers.

Then she turned her teary eyes on me. “Three?” she asked.

I was satisfied, but not satisfied. Besides, if this was all a dream, there was no way I was missing out on fucking her perfectly plump ass. You would need an army to stop me at this point.

“Three,” I repeated.

Chel stood almost drunkenly, swaying to a beat that wasn’t there. Then she dropped her already soiled loincloth completely, standing in just her birthday suit. I stared as she turned around for good measure, plenty of white still trickling down her legs from before.

Actually, scratch that, you would need an army, a navy, and the whole fucking air force.

Now, I could have waited for her to return to me, but I wanted to try something that was maybe silly.

Chel made a squeak almost like a chipmunk as she suddenly found her feet dangling off the floor, her hands clawing at thin air. There was no shot I could have done something like this before. Seriously, she was practically a plus-sized anal onahole now, or about to be.

“This is new,” she breathed out, her arms just hanging now.

“Just close your eyes and pretend you’re a bird,” I joked, and she giggled. At least until I started poking between her cheeks, searching for a certain something.

It was a bit tricky with my hands preoccupied, but…

“Ugh…” She made a face as I pushed into tiny thing a few times. “Slowly,” she pleaded.

I tried, but once I pushed past that too tight ring of muscle and entered a world of suffocating heat, my mind was kind of fried.

I needed to see what it was like to sheathe my new monster cock into something or someone, and she had volunteered. The faces she was making also turned uglier with every inch, and I think her eyes straight rolled into the back of her head when I finally bottomed out.

I paused a moment to let her get used to it, but after that… onahole.

“UGH. UGH. UGHHH. UGH. UGH. UGHHH. UGH. UGH.”

Chel had locked in as much as I had, just repeating that same grunt over and over again as I laid claim to every part of her, even parts she was never aware of. And the sounds were… sticky.

She might have even come at some point, just from this. Fucking wild, this girl.

Nearing the end of the line, I took the plunge one last time, pulling her back against me to bite at her neck. Fuck, I might have seen stars as I suddenly flooded her guts with my divine essence, and all she did was babble and try and choke the life from me.

I felt a sense of deep satisfaction as my breathing leveled out, seeing as she’d passed out. Her brown belly had even swelled slightly with everything I had put in her.

I had my high priestess now. Heh. I think I’m going to have some fun with this new world.