Prisoners of Sol - Derandi Chef (7/7)

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I expected resistance from the television network to the idea of featuring Kayla on a show, but instead, they were all too eager to rush the dimension hopper onto the set; in retrospect, I supposed a human would draw a colossal amount of viewers, and they weren’t so foolish as to turn away a willing participant. My friend sort of looked like she was being kidnapped, and I shot her an apologetic glance that I hope conveyed that I hadn’t brought her here for a tour intending to do a bait-and-switch.

The premise of the short special, after conferring with us both and ensuring that the grape flavoring chemical (methyl anthranilate) was safe for Derandi consumption, was that we’d speak about our interest in cooking while eating our respective spicy foods. Kayla seemed very keen, insisting that she got to try progressively hotter peppers; she requested several glasses of water and milk nearby for us both, to neutralize the burning. I was a lot more frightened of the tongue pain than the masochist human, who appeared eager to see me chemically irritate my mouth.

Kayla thinks it’ll be comedic to try to talk like this. I suppose humans do look funny when their faces turn red and they grab at water glasses, but we could always shoot this episode with just her. Ah, I’m a coward—I don’t want to know what it feels like! Every species but the superpowered ones react like they touched a hot stove.

“In this special episode, here’s a human friend I made during my time at the Space Gate; her name is Kayla, and she’s their chef.” I kept my eyes focused on the camera, and watched the nervous human fidget in her seat adjacent to me at the table. “You can see the feast we have set up here. I finally get to see an alien try out Derandi cuisine without being offput by our true specialty, peppers, but you’ll be amazed what her species puts themselves through to consume them. It’s quite the sight. Thanks for being here, Kayla!”

“It’s my pleasure! You h-have the warmest regards from humanity.” The dimension hopper managed a smile, clearing her throat roughly and trying to read the teleprompter. Her focus waned, and she veered off script to use her own words. “I, um, I found a cool way for us to show what spiciness feels like to the Derandi. It’s…a flavoring we use to resemble one of our fruits! Seems like it’ll be prickly to you. We can see your favorite celebrity chef trying to douse his beak.”

“This special was Kayla’s idea here, a bit of mischief at my expense. I have to say, I’m more than a little nervous; I don’t see why humans are so excited by the prospect of tongue irritation. I believe what we’re going to do is ask the other person a question, and they have to take a bite of progressively ‘hotter’ foods before answering. We do have medical personnel nearby who’ve assured us there’s no real danger.”

Kayla nodded, staring at me as a way to ignore the camera trained on us. “I think we’ll start off with one question before we try any of the hot merchandise on the table here. Let me try an easy one. Favorite Sol dish you’ve had?”

“The sauerkraut was great. We love fermented foods; it’s something I hear we both have quite the affinity for. I fear how your alcohol molecules might be filtered out of our blood though. Would that be something that had a dimensional effect? We probably don’t want to overdo it there.”

“I think it wise to avoid any unknowns with chemical interactions between Caelum and Sol molecules? The same rules, um, don’t seem to apply. It’s definitely got our scientists worked up—uh, but it can be exciting for us all to learn! We want the Derandi joining our projects and making stuff. Right…do you have a question for me, Vanare?”

I parted my beak in thought. “Yeah. What Sol appliance do you think would be most dangerous to cook with in Caelum?”

“I would hate to focus on us being dangerous, but I guess we shouldn’t handle a lot of them. We needed tons of tweaks for any machines to work. I definitely think a pressure cooker could be…bad. It could apply tons of, uh, pressure, or go off like a bomb. Shouldn’t do that over here. I’m not a scientist, heavy disclaimer!”

“I wonder if your dishwashers would destroy Caelum cutlery? Blasting dishes with soapy water at Sol force…I don’t think I should put any precious heirlooms with you to tidy up! You have to think about everything here, don’t you?”

“Everything. Toasters create too much heat, grills are an out-of-control fire hazard, ice cream machines make giant ice crystals that look like something out of a cave. We almost should just hop through The Gap for mealtime and come back, for proper fixings. Alright, my question for you! What Derandi dish from the feast would you pick, if it was the only one you could ever show humans?”

Second question: it was time to face the consequences of this setup. I eyed the small paper cup of grape juice in front of me, and knowing that I’d already agreed to this stunt for the ratings, I lifted it in my wings. Kayla seemed eager to watch my downfall on the airwaves, while I was terrified for the onslaught of pain; it didn’t sound that dissimilar to anaphylactic shock, though a much milder version. It was the body rejecting a substance that was toxic and triggering. The humans struggling just to breathe when they ate spicy food, to the point we worried about their health.

At least there’s water handy. Just do it, the pain will pass, and it’s not the first insane thing you’ve done for TV. Though if you do this, others will copy, and is that a responsible example? Is that what you want Leffle doing at school, to be like his dad? Shit, I can all but hear Etra saying that.

I downed the juice in a rapid gulp, and instantly felt prickles rocket down my tongue. I forced myself to swallow, but the taste lingered with a scalding intensity to it; there was the physical sensation of heat on my skin, and my eyes watered. I reached for a drink to wash it away, with snot being excreted like I had a head cold. Breathing came in gasps as my throat constricted, and I gave a discordant squawk of pain. I grabbed at my throat and kept chugging, increasingly desperate. It was impossible to think or focus on anything else, like someone doused my airways in gasoline!.

Kayla had the audacity to laugh. “Answer the question. You have to try to talk, Vanare.”

“Can’t. Queen-Goddess…cruelty…” I hacked, wheezing and wiping at my eyes. “You people like this? You’re psychotic!”

The human cackled harder, her eyes crinkling with true amusement. “Millions of years of pepper evolution, all to be foiled by some upright apes who don’t know what’s good for them. Now pick a dish, buddy. C’mon.”

“Only pepperchurn. You w-want pain? We’ll make you suffer…” I closed my eyes with relief, as the anguish began to ebb slightly beneath the third glass of water. “We’re not doing another round of this. Go straight to the hottest pepper, and then we can just talk, like normal people!”

Kayla shrugged and went along with it. She stared at the tiny sliver of a pepper wrapped inside a dumpling, which was meant to help her out a little; to mammalian sensibilities, this one would be scalding. I was eager to have my revenge on the dimension hopper, to see her pay for wanting to relish such sensory punishment. The human smiled and held it up, gesturing for me to go on with my question. I mulled it over, and deciding to keep it food-focused.

“How did you become interested in food?” I asked, my voice still hoarse.

The human chowed down on the dumpling, and her eyes immediately widened—with all of the regret of someone who realized they’d made a mistake. Sweat beaded on her face with the change of coloration, and tears flowed on command. Kayla rushed for a water glass without thinking about her Sol strength, desperate to bring it to her. The cup exploded in her hand, sending glass shards and water raining on her limbs. 

“Ha! Looks like someone got more than they bargained for.” I shrieked with laughter, as she sucked the droplets off of her palm, then went more carefully for a glass of milk to nurse the pain. “How are you feeling?”

The human coughed and sputtered, trying to eke out words. “Fine.”

“Oh, are you now? So you’d take another one?”

“You…tapped out at the first level. I went all the way, Vanare.” Kayla grunted and snorted back snot, struggling to speak as her mouth continued to burn intensely. Her eyes continued to leak tears. “As for how I became…interested in food, it’s by eating, or course! Anyone who has a mouth can appreciate a good meal.”

“Well, obviously, but something must’ve given you the spark to pursue it! I learned recipes from my father and worked alongside him at a young age. It was very…formative, to see the passion he put into his restaurant. He was so very talented, and I grew up with culinary pampering as far as I’m concerned!”

Kayla nodded, sniffling. “My story is pretty similar, though I don’t have anyone that did it professionally…I think Mom should’ve. Nothing like a homecooked dinner that you can smell when you get home from school; I can still picture lasagna in the oven. My mom was my favorite chef growing up. As good as anything you’d get in a restaurant.”

“Some things transcend cultures. Humans are just people with families. People who love home cooking and good company, the same as the Derandi. Wouldn’t you agree, Kayla?” I prompted, seizing the chance to feed the viewer the message that humans could be accepted, as normal friends.

“I couldn’t agree about anything more. Even as fantastical as Sol might be, we have so much in common. Nothing about how we live really is that different, if there’s anything I’ve learned since I’ve been here on Temura. I find that both charming and encouraging. I can see a world where we belong here, and can just enjoy our time around each other.”

I trilled with amicability, and continued to take hearty sips of water to eradicate the grape juice’s traces. The show’s taping had gone about as well as it possibly could, demonstrating that humans were benign, average, whimsical people rather than the Queen-Goddess’ monsters. If there was one thing I’d learned in my short time with Kayla, it was that her kind deserved to be accepted. We’d connected over our shared passion, but there was so much depth lurking in her heart. 

What I’d thought about humans, when they first came to visit, couldn’t have been more erroneous. I was optimistic that other Derandi could learn that there was nothing to fear from the dimension hoppers, and that humans could be welcomed to Temura as our newest friends. On a personal level, there was a comfortable security that I felt, sitting here with Kayla and trusting her good intentions. This was only the beginning of what I thought would be a long, fruitful friendship for me and my entire family.

A/N - 7! Kayla appears on Vanare’s show, as the television networks are overeager for the viewership brought on by an actual human; we get to witness the Derandi breaking under the withering spice of grape flavoring, while Kayla is subjected to ghost pepper levels of spice. Vanare can’t imagine why we enjoy this sensation, but feels like he’s been able to show through his platform that humans are people. Do you believe that this episode will soften the Derandi people up to humanity? How do you think Kayla did on camera, and what do you think of how Vanare has grown over the course of this friendship?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting! I was thinking this would be a natural end for this series, though I’ll defer the judgment to you guys if you want anything else or a separate epilogue of some kind. I have a series planned for next about the Girret Storm Riders, and with the week breaks I take between miniseries now, I could time the prologue out to drop right before we actually see the Girret in the main story!