I'm sorry

Hey guys, just another update here. Well, as you guys can probably guess from the severe lack of activity, things haven't been going so well for me, in the art department especially. I've been too depressed to do any art for weeks now (besides that Nurse Art Trade I forced myself to finish) I barely partially sketched 2 headshots last week but then gave up, and today, partially sketched but fell asleep due to no motivation. Nothing is coming out good and it's been frustrating. 

But despite my horrible art progress and depression, I have actually been making some progress.... with my driving skills. Just a few weeks ago, I managed to get my Learners Drivers Licence. Something I thought I'd never get due to my low confidence and self esteem. I didn't even get a question wrong (after only studying a week & a half) so I've been working hard on learning to drive. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would be, I still have a long way to go, for sure, but I am actually getting there. Not to mention I'm learning on Manual cars (not automatic) so it requires a lot more thinking. I tend to fuck up whenever I get nervous of other people in vehicles (especially if they're behind me or there's so much traffic) but I'll hopefully get over that in due time. SO yeah, I've been feeling pretty broken and uninspired in the art department. Also, I've decided to step away from fandoms, especially Ratchet & Clank. I think I've had enough of it in all honestly... after nearly 6 years. Don't get me wrong, I still love the games, characters and lore (and I still love Ace for sure) but the fandom/community has really put me off. There's barely any activity in the fandom, hardly anybody putting heart and effort into their fanworks, barely anything unique, too much obsession with homosexual, fake gender bullshit, Tumblr, and closemindedness from the ones trying to supress me. Huh, perhaps the ones who hate me have finally won - they got rid of me from a fandom. Also the fact that the movie bombed hasnt helped neither.To be honest, I don't even care about that anymore. 

 I've began to care less and less about the online world and more about real-life. I've barely been checking my DeviantART now (only for art of my friends and fav artists), the only thing I do online now is chat with a few close friends and watch Youtube videos whenever I'm bored out of my mind. I don't even care to look for Ratchet fanart anymore, like I used to. I'm even looking at selling some of my collection so I can save up funds for a car and other more important things in life... Something happened to me in the past few months that made me realize how "stuck" I was in the 'fantasy' of art. For years drawing has been my only comfort; to escape from the shitty reality of life... but the more I've been getting out with friends in real-life, the more I hate being cooped up in my room. I hate it. I really don't want to go back to the loneliness. And I think this is what has been effecting my art production and causing the negative thoughts of myself to come out more. I've always had these thoughts; thinking I'm a waste of life, too hideous to ever find love, not worth being a best friend, being a shitty artist for my age... but the more I've been getting out... the more these thoughts start to get to me.  

I want to do things to make myself think more positive. And taking the step towards driving is something that's helping me go that way. I'm trying so bloody hard to think more positive of myself but it's so hard when negative thoughts outweigh it :-(  It's kinda silly. I know I'm not 'ugly' or completely useless, but I do often feel like I am. I've always been pretty negative about myself... I think it got worse with the aftermath of my ex. I still have dreams about getting revenge on him (not violent though, just me yelling or shunning him, so no worries I guess)

Oh and I have been playing some Pokemon Go (only just started a week ago) but I can only play it a few hours a week, due to my job and not getting out often (since I cant drive alone anytime soon).  but it has been awfully fun and has helped me a bit with getting out with friends. 

 So yeah, that's how I've really been feeling as of late. I'm visiting my NZ artist buddy Ash next week though so hopefully when I stay with her, it'll help me kickstart back into art again. Usually everytime I see her, it helps me relax and draw again... (and for those waiting for art from me, I'm going to give free shipping on art once I'm done with enough to send, even if you havent got 6 drawings) And before I forget, thank you all for stucking by my side for so long and putting up with my nonsense. I hope to make it up to you all sometime soon...