Lorcan - POV Smoke (E6)

”Pack of Luckies,” Lorcan says at the counter.

The acne-scarred clerk takes the money Lorcan had slammed on the counter and uncrumples it.

“Sir, this is five dollars,” he says.

“Oh shit yeah, gimme a second,” Lorcan says and fishes in his pockets. He pulls out a fistful of spare change, lint, a nail and random scraps of paper.

He slowly counts with his finger while the person behind him coughs pointedly.

“… and ten,” Lorcan says and hands over the change with the lint.

The clerk doesn’t even react and opens the cash register. He retrieves the pack and hands it to the boy who’s already flicking his lighter.

The person behind Lorcan coughs again. “Alright, alright,” Lorcan says and moves out of the way. He rips open the packet and sticks a cigarette in his mouth.

He’s lighted it even before he steps outside.

He hangs under the awning of the convenience store and does what he does best, people-watching.

He can’t remember the first time he ever smoked. Maybe he was 12? He does remember he stole it from the his gran. When she found out she slapped him. She never did something like that again but he knew from that slap that he had done something bad.

And it became addicting. To do things that could get him into trouble. It made it so he would be thought of as the burnout criminal instead of the kid

whose

dad is in prison and mom is dead.

The only one who had it worse than him was crowny. At least he knew his gran loved him and although she was strict she accepted her grandson for who he is.

Crowny’s parents are assholes and Sally freaks Lorcan out. It used to be without much reason but ever since Sally appeared on his doorstep last year to talk to him about a “proposal” he had been creeped out by him.

Lorcan sighs and leans his head against the glass. He’s thinking about them again. They’re in his thoughts almost constantly now, whenever he’s alone with his memories they appear and trample all over what he wants to think about.

Orla hasn’t shown up in his thoughts for a few days and that scares him. He writes her name on his forearm in marker to try and remind himself to think about her.

But it doesn’t feel the same. She used to come to in as naturally as breathing. It always left a feeling of warmth and melancholy but those feelings reminded him that she had lived and had loved him.

Now she’s disappearing and it’s making his stomach hurt. What if he forgets her completely one day? What kind of shitty boyfriend would he be? It’s one thing to not remember your girlfriend as time goes on and it’s another to replace them with her sibling.

He doesn’t even know what he feels when he thinks of Crowny anymore. There’s annoyance but it’s more directed at the fact he’s thinking of them not at them. They don’t make him feel warm, sad or happy. They make his head hurt and his insides twist. A wholly unpleasant experience.

Does he hate them? He wishes it was a quick answer. He wishes it was yes. He tries to hold onto the fact that they killed his mom. He tries so hard but he’s mom is disappearing from his mind too.

A car pulls up in front of him and interrupts his thoughts. Rolling down the window, Sally leans over from the driver’s seat to peer up at him.

Speak of the damn devil.

“Hello Lorcan,” he says with a friendly smile.

Lorcan suddenly feels uncomfortable and takes a drag of his cigarette. “‘Sup?”

“I thought we could have a short talk?” He asks, his voice sweet.

Lorcan’s muscles contract and he feels as if he’s a mouse caught in the sights of a snake. Any movement and he would be eaten.

“Why?” He asks, trying to stall.

Sally blinks, the smile frozen on his face. “We haven’t talked in a while and that’s not every good for our plans.”

“It’s cause I have nothin’ to report,” Lorcan replies.

Sally’s eyelids lower and the plastered smile on his face makes for an expression that sets the blond boy’s teeth on edge.

“That’s not what I heard.” Sally pushes open the door. “Do you know what Dr. Mir just told me?”

Lorcan shakes his head.

“That his daughter was looking through his ex-wife’s things. She doesn’t know that he knows and if she suddenly finds out I would be very disappointed in you,” Sally says.

Lorcan gulps and takes another drag of his cigarette, “I won’t say anything.”

“That’s a good boy. But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here because I want to know if she’s read the diary,” he says.

Lorcan shakes his head.

“Has Imre read the diary?”

Lorcan shakes his head again.

“Has my sibling read it?”

Lorcan thinks about shaking his head again but instead answers, “no.”

“Have you read it?”

“No! We haven’t even opened really,” he explains.

Sally waves Lorcan over. “You can explain it more to me while I drive you home. Your grandma is worried about you being out all the time. She thinks you’re up to your old dealings.”

Lorcan’s heart skips a beat. He’s been at my house. He’s talked to gran.

Sally nods in understanding when he sees the panic in Lorcan’s eyes. “That’s why you should get home. I won’t do anything but the others are nervous. They say you aren’t committed. I told them you deserve a chance. You loved my sister, I know that. You still do. You would do anything—”

“OK!” Lorcan interrupts with a high-pitched voice and throws his cigarette on the ground. “I’ll come.” He slides inside the car and shuts the door.

With shaky fingers he buckles his seat belt and Sally turns up the heating. “Well that’s good. I knew you could still be trusted.”

Lorcan presses himself to the door, one of his hands on the handle just in case.

“Now I want you to tell me everything you talked about in your meeting.”