CRP Patreon Exclusive: “Seeking Forgiveness is Selfish (and Wrong)”
Added 2020-02-12 12:00:02 +0000 UTC
Comments
The comment about the ex husband was spot on, you would never go back and pour salt in a wound, but the child bully.......if in passing, your paths happened to cross, a simple apology may indeed help the individual. This person could be harboring hate for you even all these years later, and some simple words would alleviate that. Again, I wouldn’t seek this out, but if fate happened upon you, apologize to little Johnny lol
2020-10-28 17:42:12 +0000 UTC
I'm trying to look back on the times I've sought forgiveness from someone. Sometimes it was worth it -- there was a guy whose wife (now his ex) I'd fooled around with, and he knew about it, and years later I was able to apologize to him over the phone and even meet him and his new wife for dinner. So if you're wanting to apologize for something the other person knows you did, and you want to reconcile with that person, it can be worth it to apologize, but only if you're actually down for a friendship with that person, otherwise you may as well leave the person alone. Another driving factor in that case was knowing that the guy had been angry with me at the time and not wanting to leave it like that, but then again, it was years later so maybe that wasn't even a factor for him anymore. All I know is that was one instance that seeking forgiveness went well.
Other times, though, I look back on times I apologized and think, "Yeah, I really didn't need to bring that up. I should've just kept that to myself." Especially when it has to do with things I was *thinking*. Nobody can see into your head, so if you're feeling guilty over thoughts and feelings you had, just keep your mouth shut and deal with it yourself. Say you're actually a crappy person in private -- nobody needs to know that, and you'd just be opening yourself up to damage in telling them.
What I struggle with, though, is when you've wronged the other person in an intimate relationship in a way that the person doesn't know about. If holding back what you've done causes the intimacy to break down -- or maybe if the other person's finding out what you've done from some source other than you would be worse than your coming clean -- then maybe it's worth it to come clean and get things out in the open so that your partner can deal with you as who you are rather than with the illusion of yourself that you've been keeping up.
2020-10-02 06:25:47 +0000 UTC
Flip their subconscious mission to fell superior to you once more by telling them that you are not going to forgive me them and that this will be your legacy in their life for them to never fuck someone over as bad as they did to you hehehe
2020-08-01 18:14:56 +0000 UTC
Interesting view. My take is that you can let the pain of another's wrong doing leave you but forgiveness isn't possible without trust. In this, if you can't imagine a redo then you probably only easing their pain.
Asking for forgiveness can easily be seen as a self-soothing copout. If the victim does trust you, its meaningless at best and harmful at worst.
2020-06-06 23:04:21 +0000 UTC
Truth. Great video!
2020-05-22 02:11:46 +0000 UTC
Wow you've brought some old memories back, coach. Your story is similar to mine, only I was the 'bullied' one. I was hanging out with this kid for 7 years since I was 8 years old, he is my neighbor, we went to school together, always playing outside and chatting, but he was always degrading me in many ways in front of our mutual friends for all these years, just so he can increase his reputation with them. But was always nice when we were alone. I was actually his best friend, yet he did me wrong. I started to resent him, but I've come to realize that he was doing his best to 'fit in'. Even his parents loved me and still think highly of me. He started to hang with another neighbor of ours for a short time, I guess he tried to replace me. When that didn't work, he reached out to me trying to hang out. I rejected him. So no more contact for many years. So as of today, ironically, I'm on better terms with these old mutual friends who I only see and talk with at the gym while he is out of the picture. From my life and the lives of our old mutual friends.
2020-05-10 13:19:41 +0000 UTC
Another thing is that you could argue that the guilt you felt when you wronged Kevin (instead of asking for his forgiveness) taught you a lesson because of the immense amount of guilt it made you feel. Not seeking forgiveness in a way can actually help in the long run. We learn through mistakes—that’s why they’re called growing pains!
2020-04-13 08:19:19 +0000 UTC
It’s selfish because you’re essentially asking for validation from the person you already wronged. You take from them and then you continue to do so once they agree to forgive you. Double whammy
2020-04-13 08:08:58 +0000 UTC
Oh my, I love this video
2020-03-06 21:55:04 +0000 UTC
Biblically (which I think is what your referring to) " cheap grace" doesn't exist either you have grace or not. But grace definition wise is translated into selfless love or "agape love" if we're going into Greek deferences of love. But grace is the penance of said act, no act can be undone by other deed(s), this is logically and spiritually unsound.
2020-02-27 10:30:22 +0000 UTC
Well no one said you had to get back together with you, Id say if your truely confident, hear her out, and forgive her but don't get back together with her, even if that was her intention, don't feed into that frame but don't sit in anger over that either itll eat you up. You won't be any less of a man for such. The best revenge is living well. But you must confront your emotions to resolve them.
2020-02-27 10:17:05 +0000 UTC
Coach, gotta say I disagree with this one. First, point is the assumption that ALL selfishness is bad. It in fact can be a motivator, in this regard to yes, lift the burden, but also to make amends with people who you've wronged. Thats not a bad thing, in fact if you focus on self deprecation too much yourself will emulate it. 2nd, your example, for such a situation, id say yea, Id ask for forgiveness from that guy to absolve me and to inform him of of the state of his marriage, but also to unveil the lies and show the light. For such an example, I probably wouldn't have been the first or the last, so he's living a lie, and will eventually find out. He might even beat the crap out of me for it, but he'll look back and be thankful that someone came up eventually. And if not you tried. Human beings are selfish creatures but good deeds can be made from darkness. JJ posted 2 great bible passages, but im going to post 2 as well.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5: 23-24
2020-02-27 10:10:33 +0000 UTC
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”Matthew 18:21-22
2020-02-17 04:41:28 +0000 UTC
"Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13
2020-02-17 04:39:34 +0000 UTC
This is a very relevant video for me, because I recently had my last ex contact me via Instagram not too long ago after a few months without contact. She was asking if she could 'talk and explain her side of the story', basically asking for forgiveness after she fucked me over. I never replied to that message, but she did follow up again in a week and tried to guilt trip me with a "Why won't you answer me, you're so mean" message... After that one I blocked her. I'm not going to forgive her or give her the time of day, because she fucked me over, not only once, but twice. She doesn't get to try that shit again, I'm much wiser now
2020-02-15 13:20:14 +0000 UTC
Hmm... looks like the ending was a kind of a message to someone
2020-02-14 23:01:05 +0000 UTC
That was a Oscar winning performance of you at about minute 7:04.
2020-02-14 19:05:41 +0000 UTC
Thanks! But how exactly did I save your marriage?
2020-02-14 10:58:00 +0000 UTC
Be her first, and be her only for a year (or more). Simple as that.
2020-02-14 10:56:58 +0000 UTC
Bob Marley's "Guiltiness" makes so much sense now...
2020-02-14 00:57:04 +0000 UTC
Good video but the example is narrow and the point becomes limited. In order for sorrow or regret for acting badly to be effective, restitution for the bad behavior must also be part of the apology. For example, if someone steals money from a person and later apologizes to that person for the theft, the money must also be paid back in order for the apology to have any real meaning. In law the concept is called "making the person whole" or undoing the harm, not just saying you're sorry. In theology, Dietrich Bonhoffer called sorrow w/o restitution "cheap grace" because it's grace we bestow on ourselves, not from God. I don't know how a person can "undo" having sex with another man's wife so the point Lira makes is valid but extremely narrow.
2020-02-13 14:00:41 +0000 UTC
Was actually going through this in my head with my sister. But shed never apologize in the first place. Like both sides of it presented here.
2020-02-12 20:37:27 +0000 UTC
length=quality?
2020-02-12 19:50:56 +0000 UTC
This is the video that I needed today. Thank You.
2020-02-12 17:59:40 +0000 UTC
his videos getting shorter and shorter, and i don't like it.
2020-02-12 17:56:48 +0000 UTC
Why is that a pity? If people value the message they will pay for it, for anything that is truly valuable in life does not come for free nor does it have to. Besides, he is a family man and should be rewarded for his work. I don't see why he should not make money with his skills. The price charged for this advice is worth way more in any case.
2020-02-12 13:38:07 +0000 UTC
In general though, if someone really betrayed you or went out of his way to hurt you, forgiveness or not, I would never trust a person like that anymore and would seize to spend anymore time with him.
2020-02-12 13:34:39 +0000 UTC
I somewhat agree with the gist of your message. This pertains more to people that would want to reopen a healed would. In that regard I agree that it is a senseless act to carry out.
Then again, people change and can definitely be genuinely sorry and desire to make their concern known to the other person. We all make mistakes in life, some bigger than the other. Depending on the context I do believe in forgiveness and in being forgiven. I notice that people appreciate when forgiveness is asked. Obviously not to be asked if you reveal information that will leave the person even more sour than before.
2020-02-12 13:33:16 +0000 UTC
Gonzalo most probably saved my marriage 1 year ago. Though i will never forgive my wife, my life with her is okay now thanks to Coach RPs teachings. And the best of it, I see my 3 year old son every day. Thank you Gonzalo!
2020-02-12 13:28:11 +0000 UTC
It is pity that you must put your best stuff behind the paywall.
As a child my mom did lot of hurtful shit and then she constantly asked forgiveness. I learned quickly that it was a show and it meant nothing she never learned and kept hurting me. So i stopped forgiving.
2020-02-12 12:07:14 +0000 UTC
Hi Coach, I've following your channel for a while, and I have this concern where I just moved into another city, got a new job and I am in a totally new social enviroment were I feel like I am not standing out. What recommendations would you give me to stand out in a new social enviroment, and maybe atract new people into my circle?
2020-02-12 12:07:06 +0000 UTC
Coach, how does one imprint a woman? Mentally, emotionally and sexually?
