On hold

You've decided to cancel your internet service. You can't really remember why you chose them in the first place.

* * *

You sighed in exasperation as the automated message came over the receiver. You just wanted to cancel your service. “Thank you for your call, unfortunately all of our operators are busy right now. Please stay on the line, and we’ll get you connected as soon as possible.”

You rolled your eyes, silently wishing for an online form to do this, as the cheerful automated voice on the phone informed you that “You are in queue position twenty. Please hold.” And then the hold music started playing. It was almost ethereal. It was certainly soothing.

You had a moment to collect your thoughts, looking down the notes you had collected – competitors’ prices, bad service, slow callout times. Plenty of reasons to be cancelling your service with them. That was right. Wasn’t it? A soft beep came down the phone line.

“Hello?” You called out.

Nothing answered. The soft, soothing music just kept going. You blinked, your eyes suddenly heavy. And then the voice came back. “Thank you for holding. You’re such an important customer to us. You are in queue position nineteen. Please hold for us.”

You closed your eyes, listening to the music. There was a rhythm to it. It was almost a chant, but you couldn’t pick out the words. But you were feeling relaxed. So relaxed, in fact that you were having trouble thinking. Why had you wanted to cancel your service again?

“Thank you for holding. It’s important to us that we make our loyal, valued customers feel good. Keep listening to the music, let it take hold. You want to be our loyal customer. Loyal customers feel good. You are in queue position eighteen. Please hold.”

And the numbers began to slip by. By fifteen, you were struggling to think of anything at all. You just wanted to be a loyal customer. By ten, you had forgotten about wanting to cancel your service. By five, you were drowning in the voice, in the music. So open.

And then a new voice spoke, the music faded. “Hello, you’ve reached our upgrades department. Do you want to upgrade with us today, as a loyal customer?” You did. Very badly. A loyal customer would always upgrade. It just made sense to obey.