Into the void ep 4: The reason i never want to try

Oh no! Love Gibbontake! Love the sweetheart behind the handle. The world is better for your being in it! I want that person here! You sweet, funny dear. I love you!

Antony Cannon

For me, my like of action is what pushes me towards self-hatred more than anything else. I wish I'd try more things, usually I feel rewarded for doing so, but certain things are so scary that I just let them take over my mind, and then I hate myself for it.

I think you have different parts of your brain in conflict right now. One side saying: “I just need to build confidence in my appearance by trying to wearing new clothes and makeup”. And you have another side of your brain that’s saying: “it’s too scary to even show the people in my house”. One side is logical. One side is fearful. It sounds like even though logically you have a strategy to build confidence, you also have this anxiety that stops you from even trying. I think addressing and understanding that anxiety is where you can maybe make some progress. I’ve heard the saying: Good diagnosis precedes good treatment. You have to understand the problem before you can have a good solution. You have an idea of what you’re afraid of — other people judging your looks, a confirmation of your insecurity that you don’t look the way you want to look. But I think there’s value in asking questions and understanding why. Why do you feel judged? Has something happened in the past where you showed yourself a certain way and got hurt? How long have you felt insecure in the way you look? etc. Usually it would be helpful to have someone ask those types of questions to you, be it a therapist, friend, etc. Also It sucks to hear that your therapist told you JuSt HaVe To ChAnGe YoUr PeRsPeCtIvE. I’m in a group therapy/coaching thingy and we learned that it rarely helps to “just” tell people they should do something. I think it’s most effective when the individual comes to their own solution, and other people are there to listen, provide input, and ask questions to help bring them to a solution. I hope this is helpful. I enjoy talking about mental health, so if you have any other thoughts I'm definitely willing to listen

Micoolman

Send selfies only to people you trust and stick with their feedback until you get good at it

your stuff is cool

do you mean just changing " looking bad" to "not looking how i want to"? i don't know how that shifts anything, when i say bad that's what i mean. i don't like the way i look. and im scared that i might not be able to change that

Gibbontake

Shift your definitions a bit. Using words like “bad” and “good” to describe your experience without how you feel about your appearance is ambiguating the problem. Maybe “looking good” comes from an idea that you should look closer to a cis woman when you try to dress up and take care of yourself, but it’s important to accept that ambiguity and “the void” is good, not being “there yet” is good. Being an artist without a magnum opus is good. Looking good is putting in effort and being genuine with how you want to present. You could say that good art follows that definition as well. Same with a good Halloween costume. The confidence will come from a shift in your definition. Please take care of yourself, and for your own protection, never entertain the thought of suicide. Love rsh