I Turned My Life Into A Chuunige VN 13

“I literally don’t know who you are though!?” 

It was a strange feeling, to have someone unknown come and basically declare he wanted to torture Shinsuke to death. Naturally, Shinsuke wasn’t really happy about such a decision.

Not that the golden man seemed to care. “It doesn’t matter whether you know me or not. What matters is that you have stolen from me, and you will pay for that.”

Surprisingly, the one who answered was not Shinsuke. “My, oh my, You are quite the brave hero. That is to say, a idiotic fool.” Caster sounded pissed. “For someone complaining about thievery, you certainly did not mind breaking into my house.”

The golden man scoffed. “You break into my home simply by existing, witch. That aside, do not bark at me while you prepare to run.” He could read her as easily as a book. Caster was completely and utterly terrified.

And why wouldn’t she be? Assassin had been alive and fine one moment, and suddenly she couldn’t sense him, which led to the natural conclusion that this man had overwhelmed a Servant before she had been even able to notice him. And the man himself had an aura of danger that she had not experienced since the Age of Gods.

Caster was too prideful to admit that however, so she snarled at the man. “Idiotic indeed.”

Were these two Servants going to fight? That was probably a good thing for Shinsuke and Shirou. It could give them an opportunity to run away after all, so maybe they should just stay silent and wait for their golden chance to come.

Shinsuke couldn’t really keep his mouth shut in such a situation though. “Wait a moment, I’m still confused about something here.” Besides the identity of his enemy, that is. “What prize did I steal from you? I don’t remember stealing anything.”

The man snarled. “I do not need to answer a single one of your questions, demonic mongrel!” Ah, so he really wasn’t going to explain shit. “But the prize you stole was a Saber.” He explained it after all!

Shinsuke’s eyes widened. “Saber!?” For a moment the man’s words had done nothing to alleviate Shinsuke’s confusion.

But then he began thinking a bit more about the situation and realized what was going on. This man must have known about the coin! And if he considered Saber his prize, then his identity could only be…!

“You’re Guinevere! That’s your true name!” King Arthur’s queen who cucked him! If Saber was a girl, Guinevere must have been a guy.

“No. My true name is Gilgamesh.” He had not been planning on giving the filthy mixed blood his name, but he had been so shocked at the sudden deduction that he had to correct it.

“G-Gilgamesh…?” Caster let out a terrified whimper.

Once Heracles had been taken out, she had considered that the greatest hero of the war had fallen and no one would be able to match them. And while she had discovered Saber’s identity by watching the boy, she did not consider King Arthur a match for Greece’s greatest hero. Gilgamesh was another story however.

The first hero of humanity. The strongest hero of humanity. Amongst all Holy Grail Wars, he must have been the scariest one.

What could be his class however? Saber was King Arthur. Archer was Oda Nobunaga. She didn’t know Lancer’s true identity, but she had seen him running around. Assassin had been taken by Caster before being taken out. Caster was herself. Berserker was dead.

One could say Gilgamesh then had to be Rider, but Medea had seen the weird Servant the Matou had summoned, and until now had assumed that woman to be Rider. Even if she was wrong though, clearly more than seven Servants had been summoned.

Gilgamesh grinned and spread his arms, as if basking on their shock. “Yes, I am the King of Heroes, Gilgamesh of Uruk!”

“I think you’re also confused…” Shirou let out a sigh. “I… um… I don’t know what your deal with Saber is, but she is my Servant. Not Shinsuke’s.”

The Fake Janitor couldn’t have just kept quiet and let Shinsuke take all the heat, it was against his nature after all. Though he also had no intention of receiving whatever punishment Gilgamesh was thinking about.

The King of Heroes scoffed. “I do not care about who is her Master, you Faker. Do not presume you know my motivations… I speak of who owes her heart!” And her body. Surprisingly though, Gilgamesh cared more about the heart part.

Mostly because he wanted to break it in thousands of little pieces, but he still cared about it.

Shirou’s jaw hit the floor. “I’m pretty sure Shinsuke hasn’t stolen Saber’s heart…” He didn’t have much of a chance to even try, seeing as Saber had been summoned not too long ago.

Even if Shinsuke had more time though, Shirou doubted he could pull it off. Saber seemed pretty serious about this Holy Grail War thing.

Medea nodded, siding with Shirou, even if she wasn’t really thinking about that. “Yes. Saber was summoned a couple of hours ago, no hero could have pulled off such a feat, nevermind a normal boy.” A very forward boy, admittedly.

The crude tactics he had attempted on her had not worked on Medea however, and she doubted it would work on any woman on this planet.

Shinsuke desperately agreed. “Y-yeah, man! I barely know Saber!” He was pretty sure Gilgamesh was talking about the coins, but he would rather die than admit about having used those.

GIlgamesh scowled. “I am aware that Saber has no feelings for the boy now, but that will change in the future!” 

Medea’s eyes widened. “You have some form of clairvoyance, don’t you?” An amazing skill to have. Especially when it could reveal such amazing gossip material like Saber having horrible taste in men!

Ah, inside of her soul Medea truly was a gossip loving housewife.

“That’s not exactly it, but yes, I do possess an ability that allows me to see different paths the world may take.” He was essentially omniscient. “Normally it is an ability I rather avoid using…” Due to the boredom it caused. “But I have been waiting for Saber, and using this ability to keep track of her.”

Somehow, even more anger became present on his face. “And today, instead of seeing many different possibilities… All I see is Saber and that boy getting together!”

“Wow, that’s crazy.” Shinsuke had a feeling it was all over for him.

“And ridiculous.” This situation was so strange that at this point Medea had forgotten she was supposed to be scared. “So the boy gets together with Saber. Who cares? I’m sure there is even the possibility of us all marrying each other tomorrow, no matter how small.” That was just how reality worked.

One didn’t need to be a master of the Second True Magic to understand the concept of infinite possibilities.

“You fool, did you not understand me!?” But Gilgamesh was not talking about infinite possibility. He was talking about the end of such a thing. “This is not one future, this is every single future imaginable!”

He clenched his fists. “Even if I kill the boy, and then kill Saber, they will eventually end up together. Even if humanity crumbles and ends, the two will love each other. It doesn’t matter if I look onto one possibility, or a million, those two always end up together!”

“...” And now Caster had been driven to silence.

Shinsuke let out an awkward chuckle. “I guess we are really compatible… hahaha… Sorry, Shirou.”

“I… maybe I should be the one apologizing here.” Actually, Shirou Emiya felt a bit miffed. He was the one who summoned Saber, and he did think she was beautiful, so… Ugh, it didn’t matter right now. “But are you sure you’re just not seeing what you want to see, Gilgamesh?”

If one person was looking for something, they might accidentally confirm it even if it was untrue. 

Shinsuke jumped on the idea. “That must be it. Gilgamesh, you must be really into seeing me and Saber together.” He would do anything to not reveal the existence of the coins! Anything!

Although… maybe Gilgamesh already knew about it. If he could see the future or whatever, surely he had seen Shinsuke using the coins?

“What are you insinuating, you cur!?” From behind Gilgamesh, a gate opened. A sword slowly began coming out of it, pointing at Shinsuke. Gilgamesh’s intent was made clear, either shut or die.

As it had been shown in his confrontation with Shinji Matou however, Shinsuke Yamaguchi was very bad about keeping his mouth shut. “Killing me won’t unlove Saber. Apparently.” 

Surprisingly though, the gate did close. “You’re right.” Gilgamesh took a deep breath. “I almost forgot that I must not just end your life, I must make you pay for your sins. However, before I do so, let me clarify that my visions have not been guided by mere confirmation bias.”

Gilgamesh narrowed his eyes. “You have certainly done something. I know because Saber is not the only woman you always end up with.”

And just like that, Gilgamesh revealed that somehow… he did not know about the coins. 

Nonetheless, he most certainly knew of their effects. “Tokiomi’s spawn, Rin Tohsaka, will always fall in love with you. That filthy thing, Sakura Matou, will always fall in love with you. The homunculus, Illyasviel Von Einzbern, will always fall in love with you. Medusa, Rider, will always fall in love with you. Archer, Oda Nobunga, will always fall in love with you. Medea, Caster will always fall in love with you.”

That is what he had seen. No matter what happened, no matter how long it took, no matter if humanity reached the stars or began living in a land of barren steel, those people would find their happy ending at the side of this boy, Shinsuke Yamaguchi.

Of course Gilgamesh found that infuriating. Not only had Shinsuke Yamaguchi stolen Saber, he had also stolen the future of other people. Something which only Gilgamesh had the right to do!

“W-what are you babbling about!? You insane buffoon!” Caster couldn’t believe it, Gilgamesh had revealed her true name!

And some other worrying information… Caster did not even know how to process it.

And neither did Shinsuke. “Rider is Medusa!?” Well, that explained the blindfold. “And Caster is Medea!?” Well, that explained the dick cutting. “Do I have the worst luck with women or what!?” Could he really call it luck when he had made such choices?

“Tell me about it…” Shirou Emiya did not know how to feel about discovering his classmate was some kind of harem protagonist. And why Illyasviel!? She was a kid damn it!

Gilgamesh pointed at Shinsuke. “That is what I like to know! Confess what you have done at once, demonic mongrel! And then return Saber to me!” If the brat did that, Gilgamesh would lighten his punishment.

He would still inflict horrible torture capable of breaking any onto him, but it would last one millenia instead of two.

“T-there is nothing to confess. I-I haven’t done anything.” He had absolutely done something.

Anyone with a brain could see that he was lying. Sadly for the world, Shirou Emiya was currently having a flashback about the Fuyuki Fire, as he tended to do. And as for Caster…

She was just in denial of the whole thing. “I can’t believe what I’m saying, but I must defend the boy!” Medea put a hand on her chest. “There is not a single world where I fall in love with such a base creature!” Caster didn’t actually despise that much or anything like that.

Bringing up the idea of destined love that would happen no matter what pushed her wrong buttons, however.

Gilgamesh was beginning to run out of patience. Actually, he might have run out of patience the moment he found out about this circus. “Deny it all you want, witch. It won’t stop your fate.” Which was extremely frustrating.

Medea pointed at Shinsuke’s crotch. “I was about to castrate him! In fact, I might do that right now!” That would certainly prove her point!

“That’s back on the table!?” Shinsuke wanted to cover his privates. To protect them. Alas, he could not. 

Gilgamesh shrugged. “Do so if you wish, witch, all it will cause is regret later.” He closed his eyes. “I can see it… you two in bed… and all you can do is apologize and beg forgiveness for your previous actions… and then you bring up how men can also feel pleasure from their a—”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Clairvoyance wasn’t even real. “I-I… my Master and I…” She was about to reveal that she loved him…

It was something that she had been denying to herself. Caster so far had convinced her own heart that she wished to return to her homeland with her wish from the Grail, but deep inside she knew she actually wished to stay by her Master’s side. And right here and now, she would accept that wish just to prove Gilgamesh wrong.

“Yes, yes, your putrid heart has grown feelings for that hollow doll.” Gilgamesh cut her off, completely ignoring her fluster. “It doesn’t matter. That man will either bow out gracefully, die, or become that which the mongrel had accused me of being.” A chair lover.

“Gah! Watch your mouth!” Medea pointed a hand at the Servant, preparing a beam. A magical beam. A magical beam that would eliminate this bastard.

“Destroying me will not free you from your fate, Caster.” Not that she could do such a thing anyways.

“Silence!” She fired her beam. One with enough strength to even kill a Servant.

It never reached Gilgamesh. Just as the attack began approaching him, a bolt of lightning suddenly collided with it.

It was an automatic defense he had set up around himself. Just in case something strange happened during his confrontation with Shinsuke Yamaguchi. The boy had already proven himself a thief after all, so who knows what other tricks he could have up his sleeve.

Gilgamesh glared at the woman. “So you wish to defend him…?”

“I am not defending anyone but my honor!” Which she still had! She was a princess after all!

“Go, go, go Medea!” Shinsuke cheered her on. If she won he lost his penis, but if Gilgamesh won the boy was pretty sure he would suffer a way worse fate. Which was as impressive as it was scary.

Caster gritted her teeth. “I do not need your moral support.” Someone who cheered her on the sidelines while she did all the work? A nightmare. “And do not call me by my true name!” 

Nonetheless, she did not stop focusing on Gilgamesh even as she chided the boy. The King of Heroes was the true threat here after all, and it wasn’t just because he was babbling nonsense. He had literally invaded her territory and presumably killed her slave— Assassin.

Golden portals began appearing behind Gilgamesh. “Your mongrels have sullied my vision for long enough, so very well, let’s start the fight—”

“Wait.” Shirou interrupted him, having finished his flashback. “I’m confused about something.”

It was a miracle that Gilgamesh did not kill him right there and then for the interruption, but since his rage was all focused on Shinsuke Yamaguchi currently, he actually bothered responding. “What is it? How idiotic are the mongrels of this era?” Had he not explained enough already?

“It’s just that you want to torture Yamaguchi for the Saber thing, right? And you want him to undo whatever he did, right?”

“Yes, that is correct, Faker.”

Shirou did not know why he was even being called that, but whatever. “What if… what if Yamaguchi can’t undo what he did?” If he had even done anything. “I don’t think he knows what is even going on.”

Shinsuke nodded at the speed of light. “Yep, no need to torture me—”

“If this fool cannot undo the chains he holds over Saber, then at least the torture will make me feel a bit more content with it about it.” Yes, even if a crime could not be undone, it was only natural to still mete out punishment.

Shinsuke grinned. “That’s fair. And once the torture is over, I’ll ask Saber to comfort me—”

An axe flew towards his head, for once actually succeeding in shutting him up. 

And it would have shut him up permanently if Caster had not batted away the axe with another beam of pure magic. The boy was still her key to controlling Archer, she wouldn’t let this maniac hero destroy that key.

She growled. “I’m your enemy here, king of delusions.”

Shinsuke chuckled. “Delusions of cuckery at that.”

Shirou couldn’t really move his neck to glare at his ally, but he would have done so if it was possible. “You really are trying your best to die.” Maybe he wanted to avoid the fate of castration?

Shirou’s observation did not receive a reply, probably because everyone clearly agreed with it anyways. And so, the battle between the Princess of Colchis and the King of Heroes started…

It was a bit of a boring one.

Maybe to a genius magus who actually understood some of what Caster was doing this would appear as impressive, but to Shinsuke and Shirou’s eyes, all that was happening was Gilgamesh firing a bunch of weapons, and those weapons colliding against a bunch of beams.

Well, it was certainly flashy.

Something interesting ended up happening however, one of Gilgamesh’s weapons actually met its mark, hitting Medea right on the chest.

Or at least that’s what their eyes perceived. Out of nowhere however, she appeared in the air, flying. “You may have all the Noble Phantasms in the world, but in this place I am invincible!”

“Is that so…” Gilgamesh was more or less toying with her of course.

But maybe he should finish this already. And so, the gate that had been previously firing weapons suddenly became two. And then three. And then four… Before long, Gilgamesh had opened ten of his gates.

He chuckled. “I imagine you are using the mana of this place to imitate True Magic, but even so I have more weapons than this place has mana… So this will become a battle of attrition.” He laughed. “Very well, I look forward to the boy’s despair as his protector slowly loses the battle!”

“I am not his protector!” Medea rained a lightning bolt upon Gilgamesh.

One of his weapons, a lance, cut right through it. Somehow moving faster than even lightning.

If nothing else however, Medea had many methods of attack. As the King of Heroes had said, mana would not be an issue, and so Caster did not stop at simply raining down lightning and beams upon humanity’s oldest hero.

In a moment he had been surrounded by monsters made out of bones, on the other time itself had been frozen around him.

Gilgamesh did not even move to handle all of these threats, his gate simply kept firing its weapons and tearing through the battlefield. Even through Caster’s conjured monsters, and tricks to manipulate time.

It was simply unbelievable. “How!?”

Gilgamesh snorted. “One of my weapons granted me enough Magic Resistance to resist your time manipulation. As for how I knew you were going to do such a thing… Well, you already know about my omniscience.” Normally he dreaded using such a shameful ability.

But occasionally using it to put a mongrel in its place was just fine.

He continued. “The rest of your attacks are not even worth mentioning. Pathetic magical tricks who could only impress mages of the modern era.” 

Medea clicked her tongue. “Tsk. I’ll break through your defenses eventually.” She probably wouldn’t, but if she tried to run right now he would probably take advantage of her hesitation and kill her.

So the princess could only keep fighting while hoping an opportunity presented itself.

The battle between Caster and Gilgamesh was having its consequences however, as stray weapons flew across the battlefield, one happened to hit one of the wires that had been holding Shinsuke. And as one wire fell, so did all others. Possibly because all of Caster’s focus was elsewhere.

“Ugh…” Being freed felt amazing, but Shinsuke made sure to not scream, lest he alert the two Servants fighting.

He prepared himself to run towards Shirou so he could free him and—!

Was immediately stopped as a sword hit almost right onto his feet. 

Gilgamesh did not even bother looking at him, but Shinsuke knew who he was talking to. “Stay where you are. Your punishment is coming soon.” And just like that, he continued battling Caster as if nothing had happened.

Shinsuke knew an opportunity when he saw it though. “Okay then, cuck. Instead of going for Shirou, I’ll go to you…!” He muttered to himself, and like a fool, tried to imitate his future lover.

That is to say, he tried to draw the sword from the stone.

Shinsuke wrapped his hands around Gilgamesh’s fired weapon and tried pulling from the ground. He knew he couldn’t fight a Servant, but maybe he could throw this at the King of Heroes and buy Caster some breathing room—

“Ugh…” But as soon as he did so, his hands felt like they were burning. Something about the sword just felt wrong. Still, he pushed through. 

Illya had said he could ignore more pain than your average human. That was his only advantage other than the coin, so he had to use it!

“Here it goes!” He pulled the sword from the ground.

And the battle momentarily stopped. The bloodlust being emanated from Gilgamesh was enough to make even Caster flinch, trying to see if the King of Heroes was about to pull out some new trick from his sleeves.

He did not, instead, he just turned around to face Shinsuke. “You dare to steal from me again, mongrel? Right in front of me?” For the King of Heroes, this was unbelievable.

So unbelievable that his omniscience had not seen it coming until now. Before, the idea of confirmation bias had been brought up by Shirou Emiya, and it had been on play right now. The idea of this mongrel taking one of his blades was simply not something Gilgamesh thought possible.

That isn’t to say he hadn’t prepared for it. The blade he had shot from his gates was one with anti-demonic properties. It would have killed a demon just by touch… and for a non-demon with some mixed blood like the mongrel, it would have hurt like having his bones melted.

And yet, the thief still dared to touch his treasure.

“Well… Finders keepers?” It’s not like Shinsuke actually wanted this sword! It was really hurting his palms for some reason!

All of Gilgamesh’s weapons became aimed at Shinsuke. If nothing else, the boy would escape from his fate of being tortured until his origin was snuffed out.

Lightning danced around the battlefield, and put a stop to Gilgamesh. 

Not because Medea had recomposed herself and began fighting again, in fact she was deeply thinking about taking this chance and running away. But because the King of Heroes’ automatic defense had once again activated, this time protecting him from a gunshot.

Archer had arrived, and she was pointing a gun to the king of heroes. “Hey, you gotta get through the big sister if you want to bully the little bro.” She had always let her brothers get mercilessly bullied before, so this was exciting!

And with Archer, so had come Saber. “Master! Are you alright!?” Of course all her attention went to Shirou, who was still tied up.

It was an honest miracle he had yet to become collateral. Maybe he was luckier than he believed. “Yeah! But that blonde guy there wants to torture Yamaguchi because he saw you two get together in the future!” One might say that was not something that they had time to talk about right now.

But the Fake Janitor needed to share some of the craziness he had just experienced, or he would have gone insane.

“Ah…” Saber’s jaw hit the floor, but she quickly recomposed herself, and prepared to fight Gilgamesh. “Hasn’t changed at all..” She grumbled to herself.

Artoria did not know how the King of Heroes had shown up for another war, while apparently being aware of her presence, but she just knew he was about to be a big headache like usual. This time she wasn’t alone though, this time she had an ally.

An ally that was holding back laughter. “Wait, wait, wait! So my Master cucks this guy!? That’s awesome!” Archer had a weak will, she could no longer hide her laughter. “And it’s with Saber too— Wait, do I get betrayed so you can get laid with Saber?”

Saber wished she could glare at the woman, but she did not wish to take her eyes off her opponent. “Do not listen to the madness spouted by our enemy.” If the fourth war had taught Artoria anything, it was that the King of Heroes was best ignored.

Meanwhile, this war was teaching her that the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven was best ignored.

Archer hummed. “I don’t know, my Master is pretty amazing, so maybe he really could make golden man here into a golden cuck.” Before the Grail, Archer did not know the word cuck. Truly it was all the World’s Evils.

“...” Gilgamesh was staring at her. Silently.

When was the last time someone had laughed at him as if he was a lowly jester? Ah, right. It was never. That had never happened before.

Shinsuke paled and quickly clarified. “I-I’m pretty sure he’s just crazy, Archer, so kick his ass!”

“Right. I’ll get right on that.”

And so, three Servants began hounding Gilgamesh. The two Servants had not yet been told Caster was an enemy so if she attacked the King of Heroes she would be treated as a temporary ally. And Caster herself saw no reason to run if she had two other Servants to act as meat shields.

The King of Heroes was now surrounded by one of finest mages to be ever produced, by the holder of the planet’s most glorious weapon, and by a woman who had put an end to the era of myths in her country. It would most likely be wise to run.

The King of Heroes never ran.



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AN: The no penis timeline is the darkest timeline.