100 Catfighters 01

Seven Archons. In one room stood seven Archons. It was a meeting of legends, one that would decide the fate of the world.

Barbatos, Venti, the god of freedom. Typically he would not intervene in the affairs of others, truly trying to live up to his name. However, this incident was so gigantic that he was simply left with no choice.

Rex Lapis, Zhongli, the god of contracts. He too had no desire to be here, especially since he was supposed to be dead and retire. Nonetheless, this event had forced him to act, lest the world be taken by chaos.

Raiden Shogun, Ei. The god… goddesses of Eternity. They were here for very personal reasons, and both had no intention of backing out. In the coming meeting, there was no doubt they would be aggressive and give no quarter.

Lesser Lord Kusanali, Nahida. The god of wisdom. Much like Raiden Shogun, she too was here purely for personal reasons. Differently from her however, she was much more passive. That didn't mean she had the intention of being any less stubborn of course.

Furina… the normal human woman. The only reason why she was here was Neuvillette, the dragon having more or less dragged her here. She was scared! She wanted to go home!

Kiongozi, Mavuika. The god of war. She was here to kick ass and take back what was hers. So, essentially she was on the same wavelength as Raiden.

And then there was her. The Tsaritsa. Her eyes promised nothing but cold murder.

Zhongli cleared his throat. "So, without further ado, let us start this peace conference. Here, we shall decide whether… whether the Seven Nations of Teyvat shall enter on war against each or not." The world was about to go on a war against itself.

It was this matter that had forced Zhongli to reveal himself. It was this matter that had forced Venti to act. It couldn't be just ignored.

The god of freedom hit the table. "Okay, so let's point out the obvious. Y'all are acting crazy! There's no need to start such a massive war!"

Raiden Shogun nodded. "I am in agreement of course." It was a surprising declaration, one that silenced everyone in the room. "Simply give back what is mine, and Inazuma shall lay down its arms." And there it was.

Nahida glared at her. "I'm going to murder you." Wasn't she supposed to be passive!?

Raiden glared back. "Do try it."

Zhongli interjected. "Before we started this meeting, it was agreed upon that nobody would raise arms until everyone had come to an official decision on this matter. Are you two breaking a contract, right in front of me?" It went without saying that such a thing was simply not acceptable.

"..." Both the god of wisdom, and the god of eternity went silent. Not because they thought victory against the god of contracts was impossible, but simply out of respect.

Mavuika snorted. "You're right, but just know that saying things like… See reason! You're acting crazy! Or whatever, isn't gonna make us back out. So keep that in mind." It was only natural that the Pyro Archon would keep moving forward no matter what.

Furina raised a hand. "I'm willing to see reason! I'm willing to not act crazy! And I'm totally willing to back out!"

Neuvillette, who had been standing at her side, lowered her hand. "Fontaine shall fight for justice. And it is justice that our lady gains this happiness." The dragon was basically growling at the others. "And so, Fontaine shall never back out from this matter!" He was completely ignoring her wishes.

The Tsaritsa's voice cut across the room. "Indeed, if peace is to be established, then good arguments must be made. Especially since despite setting up this meeting, Morax, your own nation is willing to go to war as well."

The Geo Archon closed his eyes. "Yes, that is true. I cannot deny that my substitutes wish to wage this foolish war." He took a deep breath. "First we must establish the casus belli of this war. What brought our nations to the brink of war? The desire for territory? Mora? Perhaps simple glory? No, it's all the fault of one man."

Raiden frowned. "Indeed, it was my husband's… charms that have brought this on. That I do not deny."

Nahida looked away. "I mean, I wouldn't really blame sweetie for this, but I guess yeah… technically…"

Neuvillette slapped the table. "Lady Furina's boyfriend belongs at her side! I shall roam as many battlefields as I need to to make that happen!" The Furina in question just let out a whimper. Well, she really did want her boyfriend back. It's just that a world war sounded insanely scary.

Mavuika crossed her arms. "Yeah. I mean, you can't expect me to just let my man get stolen from under my nose! That's crazy talk! It's totally reasonable to fight a world war to get my little guy back!" Was it though!?

"..." The Cryo Archon did not say anything. Her reason was the same as the other Archons.

And so, Zhongli continued. "And so, the casus belli of this war has one objective, to monopolize one man. The so-called prophesied hero. Is that correct?" Nods from all around. "And the reason why this man is so important is the soulmate phenomenon. Once again I ask, is that correct?" Once again, everyone nodded.

This man was the soulmate of simply too many important people. That is to say, way too many people fell completely in love with him once their eyes met. One hundred to be more exact. Which was… troublesome. Especially when apparently nobody was willing to share.

But was that really the case? "Then first of all, allow me to ask one question. Is sharing him a possibility?"

Raiden Shogun's eyes crackled with lightning. "Do not even suggest such a thing. I shall not allow infidelity from my destined one." Well, plenty of infidelity had already happened anyway.

Nahida put a finger on her lips and thought for a while. "I don't know… I do like watching him at all times, but I always get super mad when he's with another woman, so I guess not. Yeah, I can't accept such a deal." At least she had considered it…? That was something.

Furina was ready to agree with the suggestion. "I don't want to see my boyfriend with other women… I'd rather die over that…" But her heart moved faster than her brain,

And then Neuvillette moved afterwards. "And so it is decided, monogamy or death!" He really was way too hyped up about this. Something very unusual for the normally calm man. Shipping truly was a dangerous disease.

Mavuika pouted. "I guess… um… I'm willing to share him with a few good buddies of mine, it's only fair." The power of friendship was amazing! "But not with you all! I barely know the people here! I can't trust that!" Alas, the Pyro Archon wasn't friends with everyone.

"I'm willing to share." The Tsaritsa surprised everyone. "But I get to be the head wife. And I get to decide the time schedule. And I get—" Okay, maybe she hadn't surprised anyone after all.

Venti cut her off. "You just wanna monopolize the guy too!" He shook his head. "Ugh, whatever! War it is, let's go and kill each other already! I mean, some people from my nation are acting pretty crazy about this guy too anyways…" Soulmates were scary.

Zhongli put his foot down before madness could overtake them. "No. There shall be no war. At least not without exhausting our options first. But before we enter into a serious discussion, all members here should be completely aware of how we got to this point. And so, I propose a trade of knowledge."

Mavuika raised an eyebrow. "What? You wanna hear me talk about how I met my hubby?" She blushed. "That's kind of embarrassing, but sure—"

A storm started outside as Raiden shouted. "I shall not hear tales of my husband's infidelity! Especially from the mouths of other, untrustworthy, women!" This was not going well.

But Zhongli had predicted this. "Of course, any tale coming from the women of this room is undoubtedly biased. And so, I brought the main actor." He put a device on top of the table, and it opened up, revealing the image of a tied up man.

That man, if someone as young as him could even be called that, was the source of all this.

"Hubby!" Mavuika immediately shouted. "Are you okay!?" Worry filled her voice. If Morax had hurt him…

The prophesied hero's voice came out strange, as if he was struggling against himself. "I'm better than I have been in a while. This place is nice. Being alone is nice for a change." There was no hint of a lie in his voice.

"Okay…?" Mavuika let out a sigh of confused relief. "As long as you're okay… Yeah." She looked at the Geo Archon. "So, what are you trying to do?"

Zhongli smiled. "Nothing much. I simply had some contacts of mine concoct a… truth serum. The hero cannot lie right now, and so I shall ask that he tells us his side of the story. After that is over, we shall come to our decision concerning this war."

Furina gasped. "So he can't lie right now!?" She looked at her boyfriend. "Quick, who's the most amazing woman in the whole world!?" Her question was incredibly powerful. Especially coming from someone who had not been a threat until now.

In a second, everyone had tensed up.

And then, the hero completely disarmed that tension. "My grandma, I guess."

"Ah, yeah. That's fair." Furina hit her head on the table.

Raiden huffed. "So, you expect us to simply hear his tale, Rex Lapis? Why should we waste our time with that?"

Zhongli chuckled. "The reason is simple. As we hear him talk, he will be completely honest. And so, we shall know exactly what he thinks of each and every single one of you. Surely that is enticing bait, god of eternity? Unless you fear whatever opinion he has on you?"

"..." She clicked her tongue. "Tch. Very well, I suppose I shall go along with this farce. Only so that my ears may be graced by the greatest story of love in history." That was… pretty arrogant. "I agree with your proposal, Morax."

The Tsaritsa nodded next. "This interests me. I accept this as well." As usual, she was curt and to the point.

And then it was Mavuika. "Hearing me get praised by Hubby for a few minutes… or hours? Sure, I'm in. Especially since I'll get to hear him shit talking you all as well. That's bound to be entertaining."

Neuvillette grinned. "This is acceptable. May Lady Furina's superiority be made clear."

Nahida shrugged. "I already know what he thinks, but sure." Now the question was thus, did she care what he thought in the first place?

Hearing approval from everyone — Everyone that mattered at least — Zhongli began. "Then let us start. Prophesied Hero, give us a detailed account of how we all reached this situation. Hold nothing back."

"..." The hero tried to stay silent, but it was hopeless.

Before long, he started the story of his long journey.



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"H-hello." I bowed to the woman in front of me. "Is this the Adventurers' Guild?"

The woman behind the counter nodded. "Ad astra abyssosque!" She shouted her strange greeting with a smile. "Yes, this is the right place. Have you come here to join, sir?"

I cleared my throat, trying to control my nerves. "Yes, if it isn't much of an issue." I took a pouch from my hip. "Is there an entrance fee? Because I did bring some Mora. Um… Sorry for bothering with basic questions like these, but I'm new here…" Before I knew it, I was mumbling like an idiot.

It couldn't be helped though. This was the first time I had set foot upon any place that wasn't my village. And it didn't help that Liyue Harbor was huge… It could have fit like, one thousand of my little villages! To be honest, I would rather start this adventure somewhere else, somewhere smaller. It couldn't be helped though, I had to follow grandma's instructions at the end of the day.

"It's fine." Thankfully the woman didn't mind my awkwardness. I imagine there would be plenty of other young men who had come with the same nervousness as me wanting to join, so that was probably why. "And no, there isn't a Mora fee."

I immediately smiled. "Seriously!? That's great!" Any money saved was a blessing.

I didn't have much after all. Just what my village managed to scrounge up before sending me off. And considering it was a place that barely saw any trade, let's say my village didn't manage to scrounge up much in the first place. I had to be frugal if I wanted to survive.

At least for now of course, I'm sure I'll become richer as I adventure across Teyvat. Eventually, I'll even send out financial aid to grandma and the others.

"Yes, but there is an entrance exam." So getting in easily was a pipe dream. Well, that was no issue. "It will test many things, from your survival skills, to your combat skills. Don't expect this to be as easy as it would be in a place like Mondstadt."

I put a hand on my chest. "Don't worry, I'm strong, in fact…" I blushed a little. Was it really okay to reveal my identity? It had to be right? How else was I supposed to make everyone befriend each other? "I am the legendary masked hero of prophecy destined to erase the shadow of nihility! So don't worry—!"

She cut me off. "Masked hero? You aren't even wearing a mask…"

I winced. "Well, I have yet to receive one. Grandma told me I can get her old one when I come back with all of my one hundred legendary comrades." I pointed at the sky. "So it shouldn't take long!" Confidence was key!

"Right…" Confidence had not done much. "I have to say though, I haven't heard of this prophecy before…" Seriously!?

And I thought I was the one lacking information here! "How though!? Everybody in my village knows about it!" She was the type of person who didn't listen to news or what? "I'll give you a quick rundown though. Basically, one day THEY will come to Teyvat, to consume everything in shadow, but a legendary hero — Me — Will stop them with the power of one hundred mighty comrades! I'll also unite all the seven nations and—"

Once again she cut me off. "Uhum, uhum, that is very cool. Good luck doing that." Why did I have a feeling she didn't believe my words? "Honestly, why do parents let their chuuni kids wander around like this? It's like there's a new one everyday…" And now she was mumbling to herself.

She definitely didn't believe me, and I have to admit, I found that a little frustrating. "Hey, the prophecy is real! I may not know what a chuuni is, but I do know you're dismissing this whole thing way too easily!" The fate of Teyvat was at stake here!

Okay, not really. It's not like convincing this woman would change the prophecy in any special way of course. Still, it may have been childish of me, but I really wanted her to believe in it.

Was it bad for a hero to want to be seen as a hero? Probably. My grandma would definitely get mad at me if she saw me acting this way.

The woman's face was filled with annoyance. "Sure. I believe you." She didn't. "I have to ask though, amongst everyone in Teyvat, why are you the chosen one?"

I put my hands on my hips and puffed up my chest. "Because when I was a young child, THEY gazed at me—"

"You need to stop saying they all weird like that."

"And you need to stop interrupting me!" There was nothing wrong with the way I pronounced THEY… right? "And anyways, if nothing else, my strength can prove I am the chosen one! On the way here, I defeated two fiendish beasts, you know? And that's without one of those fancy blessings from the gods!"

I had yet to receive a Vision, but I'm sure that would change eventually. And who knows, maybe I would actually be able to use all the elements— And like, even one extra super element! That seemed worthy of a hero like me!

She raised an eyebrow. "Two fiendish beasts? Can you describe them to me?"

I smirked. "Sure. They were small… but ferocious. And as if attempting to mock the idea of a hero, they wore masks and—"

"You beat up two Hilichurls? That's it?" What is a Hilichurl?

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The prophecy was a lie. It had to be, considering apparently nobody in Liyue Harbor knew of it.

And if it was real, then I for sure had no part to play in it. Throughout the past three months, I had come to accept that my grandma had trained me wrong as a joke, and sent me on a fake journey to get rid of me. That was the only possible explanation for my fate.

But life moved on. Even if I was no legendary hero, I still had to make money. The pouch of Mora I once had dried up incredibly fast, so I couldn't afford to laze around.

Everything here was so expensive… I should probably just bite the bullet and go towards the countryside where things were supposedly much cheaper. Oh, and it went without saying, but going back to my village was not in the cards. Mostly because it would be really embarrassing.

"Hey Katheryne." I waved at the receptionist.

As usual, she greeted me with a smile and the motto of the Adventurers' Guild. "Ad astra abyssosque! Are you here for a quest, prophesied hero?" The words hero were filled with mockery… but she quickly changed her tune, becoming worried. "Wait, why are you so… wet?"

I wasn't just wet, right now I looked like a complete mess. It couldn't be helped though. "My box didn't manage to survive the storm from yesterday, so I ended up like this. It's no issue though, I'm pretty resistant to getting sick."

She slowly nodded. "Right, okay… Wait, are you living in a box!?"

I looked down. "I mean, not anymore…" I would have to find a new one before night fell. One big enough for me. Hopefully it wouldn't be too hard.

Hm? Apartments? Houses? Are you crazy? This is Liyue Harbor, so those cost a fortune. Way more than what I can afford.

I have to admit though, at the beginning I was shocked. Back in my village, if you wanted a house to live in, you could just build one wherever you wanted. As long as you didn't bother anyone with the construction, it was more than fine. Here though, if you wanted to build something you need to buy land first.

In Liyue Harbor, there was also the option of renting a place of course. Something that didn't really exist in my village, since we had basically zero visitors. Still, such an option was out of my price range, so it didn't matter.

"Um…" Katheryne took a moment to recompose herself. "Well, maybe this little hero should go back to his home village…" This time she said less like she was mocking me, and more like she was trying to plead.

I refuse to give up though. I may not have been the hero of some prophecy, but I could still try to act somewhat like one. "No, I'm not going home until I become a great adventurer!" And hey, I had already taken the first step!

It was hard, but I passed the exam! And as a recompense, I became an adventurer and even got some sweet clothes! Though apparently I couldn't take quests that involved hunting monsters just yet, because my abilities were not up to par. In the end it was my survival skills that had let me pass.

And to think people back in the village used to praise me as a talented swordsman… Back then I was just a small fish in the world's smallest pond. Or alternatively, the people of my village just wanted to be nice to me. Whatever it was, those sweet delusions had long since been broken.

I wasn't a bad swordsman for my age, but I wasn't particularly special at it either.

Katheryne sighed. "But… Well, since you're a member of the guild, I suppose I can't really tell you to quit. So, I'm guessing you want to take on a quest?"

I put a hand on my chest and nodded. "Yep, give me whatever you have!" I was willing to do anything!

So far I had done all manner of crazy quests, like cleaning people's houses! Helping with construction work! Collecting flowers! Finding missing pets! Okay, none of those were particularly crazy, but I was helping people, and making some Mora on the side. So what was there to complain about?

"Ugh, Very well then… Do you need me to read the quests for you, as usual?"

"That would be very helpful, yes." And then there was another big problem I had been facing.

I can't read and write. The most I can do is write my name. Nobody in my village ever taught me anything else. And while I used to think that was fine, once I arrived at Liyue Harbor I quickly came to realize that this was an essential skill to living in the big city. Well, there was no use crying over it.

Once I gained some free time I would try learning it, but until then I would just have to live without it.

As I had requested, Katheryne began reading the pamphlet of one of the quests, after she was done, she asked me. "Does this one sound good? It's a nice and easy one to start the day!" I had a feeling she had given me that quest as a show of pity.

It was indeed easy, and it paid well too. A quest where I just had to carry some stuff to an important person "Sure. It sounds great, actually." Maybe past me would have complained about such a quest…

Past me had yet to eat from a trashbin. Past me could go die, lucky little bastard that he was! I was willing to take any job as long as they paid Mora!

One might then wonder why I was only taking one quest… The answer was simple: Taking more than one quest at a time was seen as bad manners. It was fine for me to take another quest after I had completed my current one, but not before. After all, I would be essentially stealing people's jobs.

I wasn't the only one struggling to make a living. It had been that way ever since the Geo Archon passed away. An event that I ended up missing, seeing as I arrived months after it… I also ended up missing an epic battle against a weird evil water god.

Maybe I'm the prophesied hero of missing important events.

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The delivery is going fine. It's an easy job. I'm going to finish it with no issues and then go and undertake another quest. And then after I finish that second quest, I'll take another. I'll repeat this process until night falls.

That's it.

"...Is this really the correct path?" I couldn't help but wonder to myself.

I am filled with frustration. And not because of the financial situation I am currently stuck in, but because I feel as if I have wasted plenty of time. In the end, all my training towards being that hero didn't pay off, and now I'm doing menial work for scraps. And worse of all, that training didn't make me particularly strong either. It truly was a complete waste of time.

I'm a rookie adventurer, and nothing else. Which should be fine. I mean, I'm still helping people… and isn't it great that the prophecy isn't real?

There is no shadow that will consume everyone. And the nations don't particularly need someone to unite them either, it's not like they are at war against each other. And from what I understand, everytime some big problem has popped up recently, people have been able to solve that problem without needing a prophesied hero.

It made me feel like I stepped on the stage when everyone had already gone home. Which was a good thing!

and yet…

Can't my life get a bit more interesting?

It was at that moment that everything changed.

I met my eyes with a woman that was passing through. There was nothing that made me do this, nothing special. Admittedly, she was beautiful, but it's not like I had not seen beautiful women before. She was going her own way, and I was going through mine. It all happened due to good/bad luck.

A small shock ran through me, but I ignored it. And ignored her too.

She did not.

Out of nowhere, she ran at me, and grabbed me by my cheeks. I don't think even she knew what she was doing. "H-hey! Do you need a lawyer!?"

Out of shock, I dropped the box on the ground, I could hear the sound of whatever was inside of it breaking. "I… I might need one now." Though I had no money for something like that!

And that was the start.

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AN: I've decided to start this new fic officially, since I was having a lot of fun writing it. Adventure Awaits and Chuunige are still my main fics though. This is just something on the side. I'm probably gonna focus on it until around monday so it can grow, and then I'll come back to my main ones.

Insert joke about side-chick here.