Director's Notes – 149 – The General

(NOTE: As always, Director's Notes contain spoilers)

We've all thought about the phrase "if I knew then what I know now," and it's a pretty great springboard for daydreaming. Think of all the mistakes in your life you could have corrected, or all of the tests you could have aced, or sporting events you could have made millions on.

There's monkey's paw/careful-what-you-wish-for element to this fantasy, though. If you go back and make better some parts of your life, how does that affect other parts of your life? (I know it's just a hypothetical exercise, and I don't need to warn you on the dangers of time travel, but bear with me as I lay out the Rube Goldberg machine that is my brain creating story ideas for Night Vale.)

For instance, I was a late-bloomer. I didn't really hit puberty until 16 years old. Combined with some general social anxiety, I was pretty frightened of dating for a long time after high school. I lacked confidence in an extreme way, and of course, it would be cool, in retrospect, for my life to have not been that way.

So: if had then the confidence in my body and my personality that I have now, I could have made those teenage and early 20-something years much more fun. Think of all the amazing memories, loves, and friendships I could have had instead of staying home most nights by myself playing video games and chatting on IRC.

We'll never know, but would I have ever met my wife, Jillian? Would we have ever dated? It's terrifying to think about her not even knowing who I am, because she went about her life doing whatever else. But I would know THEN what I know NOW, which is to say I would know all of the love I feel for her (and her for me), and I would have to re-create all of that again in order for her to fall for me. And could I (a 44-year-old man) still feel the same way for 24-year-old Jillian? How different does nearly 20 years make in a person's soul?

How could I convince someone to love me, when I know our decades of life together, yet they have no idea who I am? All of this is terrifying to me.

"You're very bad at daydreams, Cranor," you say.

"Yes," I agree.

So let's just say if I knew then what I know now, I absolutely would have put my whole house on Leicester City in 2015.

- Jeffrey Cranor
June 1, 2019

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