Bonus Episode - Cecil and Steve Listener Questions

Hi, Patreon! It's time once again for Cecil and his brother-in-law Steve Carlsberg to answer your questions. (transcript below)

Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com

Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com

Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com

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Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com

TRANSCRIPT:

CECIL: Hello friends. Cecil Palmer here, with my wonderful brother-in-law Steve Carlsberg

STEVE: Hi everyone!

CECIL: Not now Steve, I have to set up the introduction. Ok, I’m here with Steve and we’re going to answer your questions.

[long pause]

Steve, come on, that’s when you’re supposed to say hi. You’re making dead air!

STEVE: Oh! My bad. Hi everyone.

CECIL: Good. Great. Let’s get to the first question!

“Hey there Cecil, I've been watching a lot of cartoons this year for comfort, do you have some favourite cartoons from your past that you remember? Tell us a bit about them”

Ooh, there’s this one I used to watch all the time. I don’t know what it's called, because it never had a title card, and it showed up at random times on the local community access station. But it was about this cute little dog, and he would go on all sorts of adventures. For instance, one time, he climbed into a hole and stayed there all afternoon, even when it started to rain, and the hole filled with water. “Glub glub,” he said, in the hole. “Glub glub.” That was a great one. Then there was another one where he was at home, and he was supposed to go to his grandfather’s room, down the hall. But he didn’t want to go to his grandfather’s room, down the hall. The hall stretched so long and so dark, and the door at the end was shut tight. “I’m scared,” the little dog cried. But no one heard him. And he shook. Because he could wait and he could yell, but someday, he would have to go to his grandfather’s room, down the hall.

Ah, thanks for bringing back those memories. I really miss that show, whatever it was called.

Ok, next question. This one’s for Steve. Bake-off! You and Cecil. Who wins?

STEVE:  Cecil has some wonderful qualities. His resonant voice. His sense of fashion. Oh, if you could see the spats he’s wearing right now! Hoo boy. And he’s a lovely father and uncle. But Cecil is no baker. Why, one time he tried to make scones, and, sorry this always makes me laugh, he used butter! And sugar! Can you imagine? In scones! Needless to say, they turned out a crumbly, sweet mess. No, there’s one baker in this family and it’s me. Although I have to say that Janice is really coming along in that area. Why yesterday she made muffins that set my eyes watering. I could not be prouder of that girl.

CECIL: Embarrassing but probably true. Ok, next question! Growing up in Night Vale, what were some of your favorite activities?

STEVE: Oh, when I was a kid. Those were the days! My friends and I used to play video games all day indoors. I had the classic Nintendo console, and we were obsessed with the game Duck Hunt, which was where your character wakes up in a locked room next to another man and a dead body, and there’s a tape recorder that gives you instructions. They don’t make games like that any more.

Sometimes me and my friends would just sit around and watch TV, mostly reruns of old black-and-white sitcoms like What a Wife!, Mabel And The Devil, and Look At My Dog. Growing up in Night Vale, there was always so much to do! It’s a rich and vibrant community with breathtaking nature.

Kids these days don’t appreciate that about this town. They’re always in some park playing basketball or skateboarding. My daughter Janice - and I’m always telling her she should stay inside and check out the amazing content creators on YouTube - but Janice and her friends love birdwatching and volunteering at the elder-care center. Young people. They don’t know what they’re missing.

CECIL: Ugh. Young people. They’ve hardly lived any years at all. Next this listener asks: So...mirrors?

[long beat]

Mirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssssssssssssssssssssss.

[another long beat]

Great,  Now here’s a question for both of us: if you could concisely describe yourself (visually, spiritually, metaphysically, or otherwise) how would you do it?

STEVE: A detailed map of the sky.

Cecil: A highway curled off into a strange horizon. Thanks for asking. Ok next question: Cecil,  how do you keep your romance alive?

Carlos and I always remember to make time for each other. Sometimes we hire a babysitter and go on a romantic date. Tourniquet, of course, is our favorite restaurant in town. But we recently found a new place called Lockbox, which is a Dining-In-The-Dark experience. There are no lights in the restaurant. A waiter guides you to your seat, and without the ability to see anything, you must rely on all your other senses. You start to hear strange whispers in an unknown language; sometimes you feel something cold and damp wrap around your leg; you smell something like artificial rubber (like a pencil eraser); or you taste your own tongue as your mouth dries out from hours of sitting alone in a room with no windows or doors. It feels like you can never leave, that you have been forsaken by your waiter. And just when madness has wrapped around you like a fishing net, a delicious plate of seared duck breast with autumn vegetables and a black cherry compote is placed before you.

It’s sublime.

So yeah, the key to keeping love going is finding time to relax together.

Ok, this one is for Steve. What's a question you always wish people would ask you?

STEVE: Oh, that’s easy. I wish they’d ask “On that day, when you were 12, and the wind was starting to get a little chilly blowing in from the sand wastes, and that one sycamore tree in Grove Park was started to get its fall plumage, and smoke from wildfires three states away stung your eyes, and as you walked to school that day, when you passed by the old house on the corner of Somerset and Oxford, and for reasons you cannot explain, reasons you did not understand at the time, but could not deny, you were compelled to turn, and to look, up into the attic window of that house, staring into that void like an empty eye socket, in that moment, as you stared, through the cool wind and the hot smoke, what did you see? Steve, what did you see?”

So yeah, it would be great if someone asked me that.

CECIL Never will. Let’s move on: Here’s a good question: Dear Cecil and Steve, what was your favorite ice cream flavor as kids? What is your favorite ice cream flavor now?

STEVE: As a kid I liked Drumsticks. You all remember those? Mom would buy those in a box at the store. They’re prepackaged ice cream cones with chocolate and peanut toppings. They had all your standard flavors: vanilla, chocolate, dulce de leche, dulce de pollo, dulce de noche, and my favorite of all: “Spicy Cauliflower.” These days I prefer sorbet over ice cream. Easier on my tummy. I love a good mango or blood orange. But the other day, I think I found my new go-to sorbet flavor: Vienna Sausage.

CECIL: That sounds delicious. I’ve always liked ice cream with texture. As a kid, Abby and I went through tons of cookies and cream, and rocky road, and butter pecan. Anything with nuts or chips in it. Of course Ben & Jerry’s has some great flavors like Chunky Monkey (banana ice cream with fudge chunks and walnuts) or Chubby Hubby with all the cherries in it. But the best Ben & Jerry’s of all is Existential Bread. It’s a squid ink ice cream that’s totally black like the endless empty of space, with little bits of Challah speckled throughout like the billions of distant stars that remind us of how insignificant our lives really are.

Speaking of challah, this listener asks: what’s your favorite jewish holiday and how do you like to celebrate it?

You know, for me, it’s always been about sukkot. I love eating with my family outside. I love building and decorating the sukkah with my husband and hopefully soon with my son. I love, after dinner, rolling in the fresh tilled soil of my garden until I am completely covered in dirt except my eyes. That last bit is not part of Jewish tradition, but I do love doing it.

So yeah, eating outside with loved ones is a special time for me, and separately but equally, I love rolling around in the garden until I am covered in dirt. Thanks for asking!

Next question: What do you do when you can't sleep?

STEVE: I cry.

CECIL: I also cry.

STEVE: Crying is great.

CECIL: Love crying. Hi Cecil! Longtime listener, first time blood communicator! I was wondering if there was any other career that you thought of pursuing besides community radio.

Oh sure! Absolutely. I originally thought I was going to go into FM Top-40 radio, but my instructors said it wasn’t proper to talk over the music. Apparently I used to just drone on and on about my personal life while we were playing Tommy James and the Shondells or OutKast or Mozart or whatever was hot at the time.

I was disappointed that I wasn’t very good at that, sure.  I had to completely change my major and my entire career trajectory. But, hey, sometimes there are hidden blessings in life. You look back and think: wow, my life would have been so very different. I’m so happy it went this way.

Next question: Can you order fruit off of Laura at the Moonlite All-Nite?

STEVE: What? No! No that would be so gross. Like imagine you met someone who liked to eat toenails. And no judgement, right? Like that’s fine. Eat up, buddy. But if they ask to have my toenails. To eat? I don’t know about that. I don’t know about that at all, if I’m honest. Feels icky. Like you want to consume a part of me, even a part I won’t miss. No. No. Absolutely not.

Except, when plums are in season, they look so good. They really do. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask…

CECIL:  Disgusting. Edward asks “Dear Cecil, has the city ever clarified where we are to take our physical waste? Since the new dump opened, I have been able to trash my guilt of existence but not the evidence of it.”

Now Edward, haven’t you ever heard of a thing called “personal responsibility”? You think that it’s somehow the Department of Sanitation’s job to take care of your trash? To haul away things that you don’t want anymore? No, no one in this world is going to coddle you, Edward. It’s time that you stepped up, pulled yourself by the bootstraps, and got rid of your own trash. For instance, have you considered starting a rocketry company so that you can eventually launch your trash into space? Space is huge, and we can probably put a lot of trash there before it gets full. Or maybe there are aliens that eat trash. How convenient would that be?

In any case, think how much more proud you’ll be, having hauled your own trash rather than expecting some waste management company to do it for you.

Final question: “How do you feel about other people being named Cecil? I'm trans, and Cecil is the name I chose as my new name, but wanted to know how you feel about that.”

Well Cecil, I think that’s an honor. If I have contributed in any way to the goodwill you feel toward your new name, then what a wonderful blessing that is. The more Cecils the merrier.

Unless you pronounce your name Seh-sil. In which case a curse upon your head. Let your family be blighted for a thousand years, vile Seh-sil.

Ok that’s all our time.

STEVE: Thanks for all of your questions. We really appreciate your support.

CECIL: Steve! I said that’s all our time. Can’t you see the light on the clock blinking?

STEVE: Oh, my goof. Not too up on these radio things.

CECIL: Steve, I love you and thank you for coming on my show. But also radio is life or death and so you can’t screw around with it.

Ok, thanks everyone. Time for my famous send-off: Night dweebs! Byyyyye!

[beat]

Just kidding. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.