A Dragon's Curse Upon This Illogical World! Chapter 9

Edited by: Priapus, Marethyu

It’s been a few weeks since Verdia’s defeat, and for the most part, things have gotten relatively quiet. You’d expect this Demon King to send someone to investigate whatever happened to one of his generals, but nothing has come up yet, thankfully. In a world like this, where long-distance communication and sharing information haven’t yet been invented, it’s likely that word hasn‘t even reached him.

It should, though, seeing that one of his generals lives inside the city, but Wiz didn’t seem very concerned at the death of her comrade. If anything, when I visited her, she appeared almost glad that he was gone. It’s comical how unhelpful she is to him as his high-ranking subordinate, but honestly, it should be expected. He doesn’t even pay her.

Not that I’d ever do such a thing, but I’d make sure to look back twice if I were in his position. Angry employees are one thing, but angry and powerful employees? I’m surprised he hasn’t been murdered by them yet. Though each time Wiz talked about him, it seemed like she found him pitiful, and I’m not sure if that’s better. But I digress.

The rest of the adventurers, with some being revived by Aqua, had a three-day-long party that was supposedly in my name. I haven’t attended because I don’t like parties, and because I have important things to do, even though it would be within my rights to take a day or two off.

…Well, technically, I did do that. I haven’t taken any quests for a while afterward, but that’s because I was too busy with my mansion.

So after receiving my reward, of which I decided to share a little with Kazuma after his crucial assist near the end, I spent most of it on resources. Lumber, metal, and as many magic crystals of the highest quality as I can afford. They’re not much, certainly not even Agreasite grade, but they’ll be enough to get some Etherflux generation going for now.

And with that, I can build a couple of excavator machines and robots, so I won’t have to worry about buying resources anymore. Afterwards? Well, I’m not entirely sure. I suppose I can focus on defeating the Demon King or something. And it’s not like I have to fight him directly. It wouldn’t be hard to build a superweapon that vaporizes his entire palace with him still in it.

But then what? Will that be the end of my time here? Will my mother bring me back home and take the system? Or will I have a choice to stay? And even if I do choose to stay in this world, what else is there to do? I’m not really interested in conquest or anything. I already have a few worlds under my rule, and adding one more doesn’t sound appealing enough for me to bother.

…I guess I’ll think about it later. It’s not like I’m killing the Demon King tomorrow. It would take me at least a month, assuming nothing interrupts me.

“Woah…” The spirit of Anna breathes, impressed by what I had just built. “So that’s the what's-it-called thingamajig you’ve been working on.”

“Etherflux Generator, yes.” I nod. “Even one should be enough for what I plan to do for a while.”

After repurposing one of the empty bedrooms, I spent about half a day building this. Over a metal base and protected by a glass dome lies a floating magic crystal, shining with prismatic colors and emitting immense power. Even something this tiny is more effective than an entire nuclear power plant.

“It’s so pretty…” Anna says, floating next to it.

“You should see the ones back in my home,” I tell her. “They’re huge. As big as the moon. Supplying several civilizations with unlimited energy.”

All of the planets under the clan’s rule work purely off Etherflux. It’s incredibly versatile and synergizes with everything, from chemical to electrical, and even magical energy. It is the ultimate power source for a reason.

“Wow, really?” The ghost looks intrigued. “How does it work, anyway?”

“It’s… very complicated,” I admit. “If you’re interested in a three-day-long lecture…”

“Never mind.”

“I thought as much.” I smile in amusement.

It can essentially be boiled down to reprogramming magic to do more, somewhat literally, as actual knowledge and experience in programming are required. It’s done through a custom-made programming language called N.E.M.E.S.I.S that my mother created.

I wonder how she felt when she first invented Etherflux. I remember her saying she was just a teenager at the time.

“So what are you going to do with it?” Anna asks.

“A lot, frankly,” I respond, exiting the room and heading toward the front door. “For now, I’ll keep it running until it settles. Perhaps for a day or two.”

It’s a strong power source, yes, but I’m planning to do a lot with it. Running out of energy in the middle of projects is annoying.

In the meantime, I want to check out Wiz’s shop and see if she has anything I can use. And maybe stop by the adventurer guild, because I’ve recently stumbled across a very interesting passage in the bestiary.

“You’re going out?” Anna asks once I reach the door.

“Yes.” I nod, opening it and stepping out. “I won’t take too long, though. I should be back by nightfall.”

“Looking like this? Ain’t it cold for you?” Anna points out. “You should maybe take a coat or something.”

I pause for a moment and take a deep breath, enjoying the cold and crisp air as falling snowflakes blanket the ground. I arrived late in the fall, so it’s already winter. Not that I mind, of course. I’m pretty much immune to the cold due to my physiology. I can still feel it, but only to a certain extent.

“I like the cold,” I reply.

“Well, if you say so.” She doesn’t bother arguing. “Good luck out there~”

I wave goodbye and close the door behind me, walking toward Wiz’s shop while taking out a small handbook from my pocket. Flipping through the bestiary’s pages, I stop at the entry I was looking for: Snow Sprites. Small and adorable creatures— fluffy floating balls with two dots for eyes, drifting to wherever the wind takes them.

Only active in wintertime and show up in snowy areas, they’re one of, if not the weakest monsters in this world, due to having no way to defend themselves and dying from someone simply breathing on them too hard. I think it’s a stretch to call them ‘monsters’ in the first place. They’re too cute to be monsters.

At the same time, they’re still considered dangerous because hunting them down risks angering their protector. A very, very dangerous monster called the Winter Shogun. And while that’s all very interesting, what’s truly fascinating about these things is how they’re potentially the most powerful creatures in this world.

Yes. Really. Because somehow, killing a Snow Sprite brings spring twelve hours earlier. I have no idea how that works. Either these things have the power to move the planet and possibly the entire solar system with zero consequences, or, even more absurdly, they can interact with the concept of time itself. Very intriguing to think about. I need a sample to study.

This is the first time I’ve seen anything like that before, and I’m very old. Yes, I’ve interacted with individuals and entities that can bend time and space to their will. Some of whom can mold reality as they see fit. Heck, before coming here, I could do so as well. But for a tiny, weak creature to be able to pull off such a feat by dying? Calling me ‘intrigued’ would be an understatement.

See? I knew something great in this world was bound to show up eventually. I don’t know what I was stressing about before.

This also sort of implies that the gods who created this world are capable of rewriting reality, assuming that’s how the Snow Sprite works. Meaning Aqua, before losing her divine powers, was quite formidable despite how whiny and ungodlike she typically acts.

Regardless, I think catching one or two for study or experimentation would do nicely. If they really do hold as much power as I believe, then they’ll do wonders for my machines. Even a fraction is still worth it.

But first…

The bell rings as I push the door open, prompting the lich that had been dozing off to jump awake, turning to look at me and pretending she wasn’t falling asleep.

“Welcome to store’s Wiz! I-I mean—” She fails to say her line, blinking a few times before recognizing me, visibly relaxing. “Ah, Ms. Carmine. It’s a pleasure to see you again. How can I help you?”

“Nothing specific. I came here to browse.” I shake my head. “Anything new in stock?”

“Yes, actually! I’ve bought a few things I’m sure would be a hit with the locals.” Wiz confirms, looking excited. “Hang on, let me bring them out.”

Wiz walks into her storage room, and after waiting for a couple of minutes, she returns with three different items, all in separate boxes. She puts them on the counter next to each other and opens the first one, revealing an orange colored potion.

“A potion, huh?”

“Indeed.” She nods. “It’s called the Breast Biggerner.”

I pause, blink, then look at the smiling Wiz with a raised eyebrow.

“The what?”

“The Breast Biggerner.” She repeats, sounding excited. “It makes the drinker’s breasts bigger.”

“I-I see…”

…Is she insinuating something?

I look down at my own and quickly perish the thought—no way in hell.

“Are you interested?”

It really does feel like she’s trying to insinuate something, and I’m not sure if I should feel insulted. If anything, I’m just confused. I mean, I’m sure this potion would interest someone out there, but me? No thanks. I don’t need them bigger than they already are.

“Er, no, not really.” I decline, pointing at the other box. “What about this?”

Wiz opens the second box; this time, it was a matching set of a bra and panties. Plain pink. Nothing special about it on the surface, but I can feel magic coming from it.

“These are an enchanted pair of women’s underwear,” Wiz says. “It cost me quite a bit to get, so I’m hoping I can sell it at a decent price.”

A little weird, but not the first time I’ve seen something like this. And while it’s not really my favorite color, I am slightly interested. I can’t enchant items yet, so this might come in handy depending on the enchantment.

“What do they do?”

“It makes the wearer fall in love with the man who gifted it to her.”

It’s like she’s trying to piss me off.

“Why is this a thing?!” I yell in askance, making her flinch. “Better yet, why are you selling it to ME?! I’m not even a man!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I thought you’d be interested!” Wiz quickly apologizes, cowering in fear. “Please don’t hurt me!”

I hold myself back, sigh, and lower my voice.

“I’m not going to,” I tell her, rubbing my temples. “I’m sorry for yelling. I’m just not sure why you thought that was a good idea.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine.” I insist, glancing at the last box. I’m no longer looking forward to this. “What about this, then?”

“Ah, yes.” She opens the third box, showing a second, smaller box inside it. “This here, when opened, releases a holy air that repels all nearby undead.”

That… Actually sounds useful. I can’t cast holy magic, so a quick holy spell is something I most definitely need as backup, seeing that regular magic can’t affect spectral undead like ghosts in this world. Moreover, I can perhaps repurpose it into a weapon that can be used more than once.

“How much is it?”

“Well, I bought it for about 850,000 Eris, so I’m hoping I can sell it for a million at least.” She tells me.

I think she got scammed, because 850,000 is way too much for a one-use holy spell that just ‘repels’ undead, much less one million. It doesn’t even kill them.

“I see.” I sigh again. Yeah, no. I’m not gonna let her inadvertently scam me. “Sorry, I’m not willing to afford this.”

I might reconsider at some point, but right now? I don’t need it.

And I’m sure it’ll be right here whenever I decide I do need it. Nobody in this town should be able to afford something like this anyway.

“I understand.” Wiz nods and bows lightly. “Sorry that none of my new items are to your liking, Ms. Carmine.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” I tell her, giving her a polite smile. “It was nice to talk to you again, regardless.”

“Likewise.” The lich smiles back as I walk out the door. “See you later!”

I wave goodbye and exit the store, now heading toward the guild after stumbling into a wealthy-looking individual entering Wiz’s store.

“Good morning.” He greets politely.

“Morning.” I nod in acknowledgment.

Clearing a few quests before hunting a couple of Snow Sprites for myself should keep me busy for the rest of the day. Afterwards, dinner, then a nice warm bath now that I have power running in the mansion.

Sounds nice. I can’t wait~

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– Anna –

She had to admit, ever since the self-proclaimed dragon had moved in, things had started to be fun again. For a ghost stuck haunting this mansion until the day she relieved her regrets, but with her regret being ‘dying way too soon’, Anna was staying in the living world forever, as far as she was concerned.

Not to say it was terrible or anything. She wasn’t in a perpetual state of suffering and agony like some other spirits, and while being imprisoned in the mansion and unable to go too far away sucked, she had a wonderful time scaring away nearby civilians and potential buyers alike. Pretending to be a dead body on the floor, creating illusions of fire consuming the mansion, or something as simple as pushing a glass of water off the counter.

She took pleasure in seeing the expressions of genuine fear and hearing the screams of terror. Perhaps it was a little mean, and yeah, it kinda was, but it was still funny. And it wasn’t like she was directly hurting them. She wouldn’t do that. Anna wasn’t a vengeful spirit. Just a kid who’d died too soon.

After scaring many, rumors of the haunted mansion had spread, and no one had been brave enough to explore anymore. Not that she derived pleasure from it anymore. Admittedly, after a couple of years, this sort of thing had become very stale, and it wasn’t until then that Anna had understood how dire her situation had become.

There was no one to talk to. No one to interact with beyond the occasional unbounded spirit passing by. The priests here were too low-level to purify her and send her to the afterlife. She was all alone in here, unable to move on or even leave the mansion. 

This was potentially worse than hell. Any longer and she’d go insane.

Thankfully, it didn’t take too long for a peculiar adventurer to check out the place. Someone who could see and hear her, not just her illusions. Someone who wasn’t afraid of ghosts and was friendly to Anna as well. Finally, someone to talk to!

Even better when she’d decided to stay in the mansion despite it being haunted by a spirit. If anything, Carmine seemed to appreciate Anna’s presence, and the ghost had to admit, being wanted felt nice.

Hell? No, this was the closest thing to heaven someone like Anna could have.

True, she was a huge nerd and kind of odd, but Carmine was very kind and had many interesting stories. She was part dragon? She came from another, more advanced world? That was just awesome. Even if it was all a lie from an overimaginative weirdo, Anna liked the creativity. She was so detailed in her stories that the ghost couldn’t help but enjoy them immensely.

Though staring at the colorful crystal floating above the doohickey Carmine had built, Anna had to admit, this was pretty decent evidence for her otherwise outlandish story. The undead could feel the continuously growing power of the crystal. She’d never seen something like this before.

…Not that she saw a lot of things, considering how young she had been when she’d died, but semantics.

“Pretty…” She mumbled, poking the crystal and feeling its energy tickling her. “Hehe…"

Now that Carmine was on another one of her quests, all Anna could do was float around the mansion and wait for her. But unlike before, now she had something to look forward to to keep her sane, and that was her newest friend’s return. Hopefully, with more stories to tell of her adventures.

Mesmerized by the prismatic colors of the crystal, Anna’s smile dropped, and she blinked as she felt an unfamiliar presence in the mansion. A presence that didn’t feel… alive. Was another spirit passing by?

Deciding to investigate, Anna floated upward, phasing through the ceiling and arriving at the second floor. She looked around for this strange presence, going from room to room until she spotted it. Or, at least, she thought she did.

“…You’re not supposed to be here.” She told the doll sitting on the bed, frowning in confusion. “Also, that’s my doll you’re possessing.”

The doll then started to float with malicious intent, making Anna scoff.

“Pfft, you think I’m scared? Please, I’m a ghost, too, you know. I know how this works.” She rolled her eyes. “And unlike you, little Poltergeist, I can do more than possess inanimate objects.”

This wasn’t the first time she’d stumbled on evil spirits, and certainly not the first time she’d dealt with one. As it turned out, Anna’s regret was so intense that it had turned her into a pretty powerful ghost.

“So you better get out of my mansion real soon.” She added threateningly. “I don’t want you inconveniencing my new pal.”

What should’ve been enough to intimidate a much lesser spirit instead seemed to have bolstered its anger, as, all of a sudden, several other objects began to float. From other dolls to pots to even chairs and vases.

“Um…”

She flinched as the door behind her violently swung open, with more and more objects, primarily dolls, approaching. Slowly, the confidence on her face drained, replaced by mild concern, then honest dread after realizing just how many of them were there.

One, two, five, or even ten? Anna could handle that well enough. But hundreds of poltergeists?

“U-uh, I-I was… Aha, I was just kidding. A silly little gag, that’s all.” She gulped. “You can hang around if you’d like. I don’t think Carmine would mind, either. I mean, she was fine with me, I’m sure she’d be fine with you, fine gentlegeists.”

Seemingly unconvinced, the floating objects all charged at her with the intent to harm

There was certainly something to say about a ghost running away from other ghosts in utter terror, but honestly?

Anna was too busy trying to get away to see the irony.

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– Carmine –

Baiting the last Snow Sprite into a jar and trapping it, a pleased smile stretches across my face. Catching these things was tougher than I expected— with them being so fragile, even the weakest spells can kill them. And if I kill too much, I risk angering their protector, who is equal to a demon king general in strength. Perhaps even greater.

While I’ve leveled up a lot after defeating Verdia, I’m not entirely confident in taking on something like that by myself. After all, I had a lot of support during the battle. If not for Aqua’s support buffs or Kazuma’s assist, I might’ve lost.

Mind you, defeating a Winter Shogun wouldn’t really be impossible for me at my current level of strength. I’d say it’s very doable, but I’d rather not get in a fight with something very powerful when I’ve barely made any preparations. I didn’t make it so far in life by half-assing things.

I didn’t catch many, only about six of them in total, but that’s because capturing them also risks angering the Winter Shogun. I’d heard from the other adventurers before I left the guild that some poor sod got his head cleanly cut off by one. I don’t know what sort of moron would put himself in this situation, but I don’t want to suffer the same fate. And honestly, even two are more than enough for me to study and examine their properties. I caught more because I felt like it.

I’ll consider it in a month or two, before the end of this winter.

Anyway, now that I’ve caught a few of these creatures, I must admit, they look a lot more adorable in person than in the pictures. They can’t feel pain, and they don’t seem to have the cognitive capability to comprehend fear, but still, I might start feeling bad for what I’m going to put them through if they keep looking at me that way. Perhaps I should keep one as a pet? They do become ‘inactive’ and promptly disintegrate after winter passes, but I can probably figure something out to keep them from disappearing.

Questions for later, I suppose. Now that I’m done here, it’s about time I returned home.

With the Snow Sprite-filled jar in my hand, I take off to the skies, strong gales carrying me toward Axel. I knew magic was the correct option— I had foreseen something like this becoming a hindrance had I chosen otherwise. Traveling would’ve been so annoying and so very time-consuming.

I wonder what Crimson’s doing to handle such a concern, given how he picked the physical perk? Though knowing him, I doubt he’d see it as a concern in the first place. He usually liked to take things slowly. He never minded long road trips and seemed to enjoy them more than simply teleporting to his destination.

I sometimes envy his ability to enjoy such simple things in life. I still don’t know how he does it. If only he were a little more earnest.

If he were, a lot would’ve been different.

Seriously. While he wasn’t aware, he was slated to be the next in line. Mother’s successor. He was supposed to be the new leader of the Ama Clan, not a team of management, and she’d discarded the idea only because she knew he didn’t want the position. She hadn’t told him because she didn’t want him to feel pressured and take the position out of obligation.

She was too good to him sometimes.

After arriving at Axel, I shake those thoughts out of my head and land near the front door of my mansion. As I take my keys out of my pocket, I hear a sudden frightful cry that makes me act, smashing through the door. I immediately notice the odd mist filling the mansion as the lights flicker on and off. Candles lit with blue flames while the cries of Anna echo in the hallways.

“Anna!” I call out. “What’s going on?! Where are you?!”

I rush into the mansion, looking for any signs of the spirit, quickly finding her running away from a swarm of dolls, going through several rooms as she’s seemingly cut off by more and more of the possessed objects. I’m both very confused and concerned at what I’m looking at, not entirely sure what’s happening.

As Anna spots me, she runs and hides behind me, looking for safety. Face full of tears and snot, an expression of pure and utter fear as she tries to explain what’s happening.

“P-Poltergeists! Hundreds of them— T-they came out of nowhere!” She sobs. “Save me, please!”

More ghosts?! Is this place haunted even more than I thought it was? No, because Anna would’ve told me about them, and she seems as surprised as I am. How did they get here, then? And why are they chasing Anna?

As the dolls rapidly approach us, I cast a strong gust of wind that pushes them all back to the other end of the hallway. Unfortunately, considering my lack of holy options, that’s as much as I can do. Slow them down.

This… is a problem.

“Why are they here? Do you know them?”

“No! T-they just showed up all of a sudden!” She explains, cowering behind me. “T-they’re evil spirits! Something made them angry!”

“Do you know why?”

“U-um, I-I heard them whispering about something about a magic barrier in the nearby cemetery?” She answers. “I don’t know! Please stop them! They wanna drag me to hell!”

Okay, that’s just blowing this way out of proportion. Poltergeists can’t even do that.

But what the hell am I supposed to do about them, anyway? Unless I can use holy magic or have an artifact that can—

Wait a minute.

“I won’t let them do that,” I promise her. “Look, I know how to get rid of them, I just need you to hold out for a little while longer, okay?”

“What?! No!” She refuses. “You can’t do that!”

“I won’t take long. I promise!” I insist, heading toward the door. “Be brave for me, Anna. I swear I’ll come back.”

As I kick the door open and exit, I hear Anna’s screams of terror.

“Carmine! Don’t leave me here!” She begs. “Carmine! CARMINE! HELP ME—!”

Her cries are abruptly cut as the door slams behind me, likely the Poltergeist’s doing. Horrific as this might be, I can’t help but snort in amusement.

Something about a ghost being haunted by other ghosts is really funny.

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– Kazuma –

You know, you’d think after having to go through so many funny incidents, life would throw him a bone for once. Give him a chance to breathe. But no, that wasn’t how things worked for him. Never once had he been given a break since coming to this godforsaken world. And really, he had no one to blame but himself. Why? Because, in his infinite wisdom, he had decided to surround himself with walking, talking liabilities. 

After Verdia had been defeated and they’d been given their rewards, Kazuma had been on cloud nine. Finally, progress. Actual progress. For once, they’d finished a quest with more than chump change that barely afforded them half a meal. Fucking FINALLY, he could sleep in an actual bed for about four months straight.

Sure, some budgeting here and there would be needed, but getting something like this right before winter? Was his luck turning around or what? Because Kazuma knew he would not survive winter in that dingy stable—no way in hell. If the cold didn’t get him, he would’ve probably hung himself instead.

He could live with sleeping on uncomfortable, prickly piles of hay. He could live with the smell of horseshit in the morning. He could live with the blue-haired dipshit snoring like a motherfucker. But all of that and having to constantly shiver in the cold? Nah. Death was preferable.

So, being inadvertently saved by Verdia’s invasion, Kazuma was grateful. He thanked every god he knew – excluding the concentrated mass of uselessness next to him – for their mercy. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long, because said concentrated uselessness just HAD to ruin it by taking more than 80% of their reward and spending it on alcohol.

If not for Aqua’s significantly higher stats, he might’ve actually choked her to death. Why. Just why. How can this be? Was this hell? Was Kazuma condemned to this torture? Seriously, why? What the hell had he done to deserve this? And you’d think the bad things ended here, but no, not really.

Because now they were back to square one, they started to look around for quests again. Between hunting down giant snow wolves twice the size of rookie killers and One-Punch bears, their best bet would be hunting down Snow Sprites. More than just the reward, winter would end sooner the more they killed. He wasn’t sure how that worked, but he wasn’t questioning it.

Sadly, nobody had told him about the giant, pissed off samurai guardian that these Snow Sprites had.

Thus, for the second time ever, Kazuma died. A single, clean swing that decapitated him.

And honestly? It didn’t really hurt that much. A sharp pain for a split second, then spinning, then immediate darkness, followed by the Goddess Eris waiting for him, ready to reincarnate him on Earth. So you know what? Maybe this wasn’t bad, after all. Getting the opportunity to return home with extra benefits like wealthy parents was everything he could’ve hoped for. Who fucking cared about becoming rich and powerful in this bullshit world? Why would he want that as opposed to the grand and refined society of Japan?

Alas, Stockholm Syndrome was one hell of a drug, and now he was back in this hellhole, freezing his ass off.

…Hearing and seeing the concern the girls held for him did honestly make him a lot less bitter, but he wouldn’t admit that.

Seeing the new skill – Drain Touch – burning into his adventurer card, Kazuma couldn’t help but smile in satisfaction. He knew he had picked the right class— so what if it was the weakest? The sheer versatility in making him learn any skill was a cheat power on its own. Yeah, sure, he learned these skills at a higher cost than those who picked their specific class, but as far as he was aware, there was no hard cap on levels, so that meant he potentially had infinite skill points.

“Thanks a bunch, Wiz.” He said, grinning at the lich. “This is gonna be really helpful.”

“Of course! I’m happy to help.” She nodded with a smile.

Now, to test this out…

He glanced at Aqua, sitting on a chair, who had been throwing the undead ugly looks the entire time since coming here, and had only barely been pacified with the cup of tea in her hand. Eh, good enough.

Too preoccupied with giving Wiz the stinkeye, she didn’t notice Kazuma until he put a hand over her neck.

“Eh?” She blinked. “What are you—?!”

“Drain Touch.”

The dumbass goddess flinches, her expression contorts into one of surprise, discomfort, and mild pain. On the contrary, Kazuma felt pretty good. And not because he was draining her mana.

Oh, no. This was done out of pure vitriol.

“HIYEEEE?!” She cried out, pushing him away. “What is wrong with you?! Why did you do that?!”

“Oh, stop whining. I had to test the new skill somehow.” He scoffed. “Now get off your ass. We’re gonna be kicked out of our room by tomorrow if we don’t get the money today.”

“Fine.” She said before suddenly pointing at Wiz. “But not before this thing is gone!”

Wiz’s smile dropped, replaced by a look of overwhelming fear.

“Please, don’t!” She begged. “Don’t purify me, Lady Goddess! It really hurts!”

“You better not,” Kazuma warned, knowing she wasn’t going through with it. After all, she wanted someone to bully, and Wiz was, unfortunately, a gigantic wimp. “C’mon, let’s just go.”

But right before they exited, Carmine came in, barging through the door.

“Woah.” Kazuma backed off.

He saw her gaze flickering between him and Aqua, acknowledging their presence, before she stared at Wiz.

“Ms. Carmine?” Wiz blinked, also picking up on her urgency. “Is everything okay?”

“Not really. Say, remember the box of holy air you tried to sell me?” She said, approaching the counter. “I’m buying it off you.”

“Oh.” The lich visibly grimaced. “Ah… about that…”

Carmine’s posture straightened, and her eyes went wide.

“…What?”

“Um, yeah, someone already bought it.” She answered.

“What?! How?! Why?!” Carmine demanded, gripping the edges of the counter.

“I-I don’t know! It was some random noble!” The lich explained after flinching. “A-apparently, the salesman I bought the box from accidentally gave me the noble’s father’s ashes, not a box of holy air.”

Carmine’s right eye was twitching, grip over the counter tightening hard enough to crush it. Kazuma and Aqua watched this whole thing unfold right before their eyes, either too scared to move, or…

“Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!” She roared, losing her composure. “HOW does this keep happening to ME?!”

“I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me!”

He saw an opportunity.

Kazuma was a good listener, after all. He had no idea what exactly she needed, but she mentioned ‘holy air’, and it just so happened that his chosen cheat item was a goddess full of holy air. Certainly no brains in that noggin of hers.

“Um, hey—”

“What?!” She snapped at him.

“I-I was just wondering what happened?” Kazuma quickly asked. “If you need holy, then there’s no one better at it than this idiot next to me. Can you just explain what’s going on?”

Although Carmine paused, glanced at Aqua, then visibly relaxed, the blue dumbass was silently asking Kazuma if he wanted to kill her.

And yeah, kinda.

“…Right. Right, sorry.” She breathed. “Well, the thing is, my mansion is haunted. Hundreds and hundreds of Poltergeists. They showed up out of nowhere.”

“O-out of nowhere?” Wiz questioned after realizing Carmine had no intentions of killing her.

“The other, non-evil spirit said that they were there after being denied entry to the cemetery or something?” She clarified, and although having composed herself, was still visibly angry. “Someone moron apparently cast a magic barrier to keep them out for whatever reason.”

The cemetery? Kazuma frowned in thought. Isn’t that where Aqua goes to…

He glanced at his companion, sweating bullets as she looked down at her feet. She was shaking almost uncontrollably, and seeing this, Kazuma’s lips thinned. Of course, she was responsible for this…

…Worked in his favor, though.

“No worries.” He told Carmine, pointing at Aqua. “She can take care of it for you.”

“She can?” Carmine blinked.

“U-um, hey— a-actually—” Aqua tried to intervene, but was quickly drowned out by Kazuma.

“But for a price.” He said rather bravely.

“Name it.” Carmine nodded, being quite reasonable.

“Um, Kazuma? Kazuma?” Aqua once again tried to say something. “I-I really don’t want to—”

“Shut up.” He simply told her, but the message was clear, even to someone as dumb as her.

One more word, and I’m telling her it’s your fault.

So she stayed quiet.

“See, the thing is, we were pretty much set for the winter after getting our portion of the reward of defeating Verdia. Oh, and thanks for the bonus, by the way.” He explained, throwing her a thumbs-up. “Unfortunately, that didn’t last long.”

Carmine waited patiently for him to finish.

“Not to name any names, but there’s this one FUCKING IDIOT—” He screamed into Aqua’s ear before returning his calm tone and addressing Carmine. “—who spent most of our money on booze. So we’re kinda broke again.”

“You know, you could’ve just said ‘I want money’ and saved us all the unnecessary backstory.”

Ouch.

“I was actually thinking about something else.” He denied. “It’s a mansion, right? And you live alone?”

“Kind of.”

…that was a yes or no question, but he wasn’t going to dwell on what that answer meant.

“Then, think you can let us crash in for a bit? At least until spring.” He offered. “You’d be saving money, and I get a roof to sleep under. Win-win, yes?”

Carmine paused, thinking about the terms for a moment. Aqua was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable, but as long as they kept their mouths shut, she wouldn’t know a thing. It was a white lie, all things considered. What did she gain by knowing the truth, seeing that she needed Aqua to purify the spirits anyway?

“…I suppose that’s fair.” She sighed. “Alright. You have yourself a deal.”

“Great!” He smiled widely. “Alright, lead the way. We’ll be done with this in no time.”

“Okay.” She said, exiting the store. “Oh, also, one spirit is off limits. She’s a friend. If you purify her, I WILL kill you both. Am I clear?”

“Crystal.”

And just like that, Kazuma had practically secured them a nice, warm place for the winter.

He couldn’t wait until something or someONE fucked it up again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

– Carmine –

I can’t believe it has come down to this…

“Turn Undead! Turn Undead! Turn Undead!” Aqua keeps shouting, following the dolls around the hallways of the mansion as I, Kazuma, and Anna watch her dealing with the Poltergeists. “Turn Undead! Hahaha! Rejoice, spirits! Your beloved Goddess, Aqua, is sending you to your desired place! Turn Undead!”

Seriously, what the hell is my luck? It feels extra bad while I’m here, and I’m not sure why. Suddenly blindsiding me like that— who could prepare for something like this? How was I supposed to know that these ghosts would choose my mansion to haunt? And why was there some idiot blocking off entry to the cemetery? What the hell is their problem?

“She seems… very excited about this. Too excited.” Anna mumbles.

And now I’m stuck with her and Kazuma for a couple of months. I don’t need or want them here. I was fine living here alone with Anna, but fuck me, I guess.

“So, can we pick any room, or do you have something in mind?” Kazuma asks.

I glance back at him, and for a moment, I’m silent.

…You know what? This is fine. I mean, a couple of months is nothing for someone like me, right? Please, I’m old enough to have seen the birth and death of many stars. Yeah, time feels a lot faster now that I’m technically mortal again, but I can get used to this.

Yeah, nothing to worry about, and I’m not coping this time. The worst I have to deal with is two annoying roommates, but the mansion is too huge for that to be an actual issue.

“Pick whatever.” I shrug. “I’m going out for dinner.”

I was planning to cook for myself today, but I no longer feel like it. Suddenly, I’ve got a craving for the guild’s fried toad.

…Heh, I guess I was just being dramatic. Once Aqua’s done purifying the place, I can have my bath, then a nice, long nap.

I’m sure this isn’t gonna get out of hand.