Joe Bob's America: Dec. 16th, 1988

(This is a vintage  article from his “Joe Bob’s America“ column, published Dec. 16, 1988.) 

Dear Close Personal Friends of the Briggs Family,

    Since our last Christmas letter, Grandpa got his harness straightened, his prostate scraped, and a whole new set of teeth! Congratulations, Grandpa, we'll keep you up and running as long as we can afford it!

    Some of you know that last summer Cyndi Lynn Briggs, fourth child of Asa Briggs, and her 18-year-old daughter, Traci Swope, disappeared from Ridgmar Mall in Fort Worth while shopping for foundation garments. We hear so many stories about kidnapping and crime and the sad world we live in, that we were all real worried. But then Cyndi Lynn and Traci turned up in Wichita, Kan., with lucrative divorce settlements. Congratulations, girls, and best holiday wishes in sunny Las Vegas!

    Here in Grapevine the family is planning a traditional Christmas, even though Chief Nogales says he doesn't want anybody getting as drunk as we did last year. Bobo is stealing us a tree from the ranch where he works. Wanda is making a pie in the shape of Texas, except for the curvy parts down by Laredo where it's too hard. Little Beth Ellen is bringing two of her friends from the orphanage to show them how "real people" live. We'll be sure to give both of them a nickel. You know, sometimes we need to pause and reflect on the people that God decided to make less fortunate than us because they refuse to work.

    There's not much to say about the lawsuit. Buster Crowell still claims our clothesline was slapping up against his satellite dish and destroying the reception, but Uncle Cletis says he never should of installed it by the sandbox anyhow, because that's a "public abuse area" covered by the Lake Grapevine Trailer Park Residents Association agreement that we all signed back in 84 so Floyce Stinson couldn't put another hot tub in the trailer she was using for 10-dollar massages. Two weeks ago somebody put a dent in our tool shed. We're not blaming Buster for doing it cause there weren't any witnesses.

    Houston Weeks got all the way to state this year in high school rodeo, but the judges cheated him out of first when his first bull had a hurt hind leg and they wouldn't disqualify him and give Houston a normal fair animal. Houston should be gettin out of Baylor Hospital next June. That boy always did know how to get off school!

    Aunt Jessie bought $788 worth of magazines form a man in a Delta 88. They sent her all the magazines on the same day. Amy might use em for a collage they have to make at school.

    They finally fired Otis Clendenon from the vet when they found out he was operating on crippled cows and he didn't ever get him a license. He said he went to A&M but nobody ever checked his papers. Bill Denny wants to know if Otis has to pay for the cows, but our lawyer, Bubba Barclay, says once a cow is dead and sold, you can't make a man pay the difference between a dead or a live cow unless you can prove the dead cow wouldn't of been dead unless Otis stuck a surgical clamp up its nose or something equally stupid, since they were crippled cows to begin with and before Otis come along and said he could operate on em, we used to just shoot em anyhow. Bubba's representing Otis on a commission basis.

    Margaret Stephenson lost 240 pounds on one of those new Oprah Winfrey diets. Keep up the good work, Margaret!

    Margaret Stephenson's mother, Emily Stephenson, will be accepting Coconut Malt-a-Meal Fruitcake Orders until February first this year, because of last year when she couldn't sell em all by Christmas.

    Ruth Briggs, on the Lubbock side of the family, won a trip to Amarillo to try out for "Wheel of Fortune." She plans to leave Jess at home and make a week of it! Remember, Ruth, always buy an E!

    We have so much to be thankful for during this time of year when the baby Jesus was born and we all get sick on Tequila. Most families aren't as fortunate as us Briggses, so let's remember all the other ones and make sure we keep em down where they can't hurt us. God bless every one of you -- that's in the family, that is!

(Family portrait. 😉❤️)