The Women's Job - Part 32

OTHER PARTS | ALL STORY LIST

"Isn't it too dressy for work?" I asked. Connie had been trying to convince me to wear the dark green three-piece suit. It was one of the beautiful outfits Virginia had bought me. It had a collarless jacket with three-quarter sleeves. The skirt was a short, slim skirt, and the sheer white ruffled silk blouse had soft, oh so feminine, ruffles on the three-quarter sleeves too. I even had shoes to match.

She convinced me, not by assuring me it was fine for work, but when she was sure Jack would love me in it.

It took me forever to get ready. Everything had to be perfect, not just my clothes. I spent forever on my makeup and hair. Connie helped me get my white hair bow to sit just right in the back.

"Will you stop admiring yourself in the mirror and finish getting ready?" She finally yelled at me.

I picked through my collection of perfume, finding just the right one, light and feminine.

The finishing touch was my beautiful pearls. My bracelet was too much for work, though. I put it and my ring in my purse for later.

I did get some compliments on the way I looked that day. I knew some of them were because of my situation, how well I passed as a woman, but some came from the people, outsiders, who didn't know my secret. Those were the ones that meant so much to me.

I hadn't noticed that morning, getting dressed, that my pretty lace bra showed through the sheer material of my blouse. I didn't let it bother me. I'd seen the same thing in the way lots of women I knew dressed, and I was anxious to see the effect on Jack. Just a few weeks ago, I would have just died at the thought of dressing this way.

The day dragged even though I was busy. There were layouts to approve, and I had two meetings with clients that morning. I was glad I scheduled them at our office and not the clients. I had lunch with the girls. The news that I was dating a guy had spread throughout the office, and the girls were curious how I was handling it. Even Trish and Pam dropped in to see me. I hadn't seen them all week, and I brought them up to date.

I couldn't stop them. Carol, Gwen, Linda, and a few of the others girls all wanted to check this guy Jack out. They waited in the lobby with me after five instead of going home.

Jack was right on time. I would have liked to hear their comments about him, but I didn't want to keep him waiting. I left them staring out the smoked windows as I went out to meet him.

Jack looked so good. He had on a fitted gray double-breasted suit, and he looks like he just stepped off the pages of GQ. He looked at me and smiled only the way he could. I hoped the girls could see the way he looks at me.

"You look fantastic, Jen." He took my hand, looking me over from head to toe. All my effort had been worth it.

"Thanks, so do you." I meant it. I didn't wait for him to kiss me. I didn't do it just for the girls; I wanted to. He was wearing the same great smelling cologne he always wore, and he smelled so good. "Mmmm, you smell good," I told him.

Jack liked it when I complimented him. He acted modest and shy, but he liked it, I could tell.

He graciously opened my door and put me into his sparkling clean Porche. I felt special when I was with him, and it didn't hurt that he drove such a great car.

"Where are we going?" I asked as we turned and pulled out the drive onto the street.

"They're having a party at my office, a celebration, then dinner."

I was going to meet the people he worked with? That shouldn't be too bad, I decided. His was a pretty big law firm, but how many people could there be? "What's the occasion?"

"We just signed a new client, an international conglomerate. Their business should bring in over twenty million dollars a year."

It was a staggering figure. "That much?"

"Maybe more."

"Is it your account?" I asked.

"I wish it was, but it will still mean a substantial influx of revenue, and some of that will find its way into all our pockets."

I never asked Jack how much he made. I didn't think it was something a girl asked. I still didn't. He drove an expensive car. He dressed well, better than well. It got me curious about where and how he lived.

Jack had told me where his office was, but I didn't know Atlanta that well, so I had no clue. The office building we arrived at had at least sixty floors. I noticed that much as we pulled into the underground garage. His parking spot had his name on it. I was impressed. I didn't even have a car anymore. I couldn't afford one, for that matter.

I knew he wanted me on his arm when we walked into his office. I would have taken it even if he didn't offer. I heard the music as we stepped off the elevator. There definitely was a party going on.

It wasn't the modest office I had expected. It was enormous, taking up at least half that floor of the building. There were at least fifty desks in the large central common area, and that was surrounded by the glass-walled offices. That was all I had time to take in before we were greeted by his coworkers.

Jack introduced me to so many people, I didn't have a hope of remembering all their names. They were broken up into small groups all over the office, and we went to one group after another.

I smiled pleasantly and said hello to everyone. There were a lot of women that worked there, and I had an uncomfortable feeling as they all gave me the once over.

"Come on, Jen, I want to introduce you to Jill." He took me over to a small group of people gathered around one of the desks. I learned that Jill was his secretary. She was young, maybe twenty-five, and very attractive. She was one of those bubbly people that you couldn't stop from talking to once she got started.

Jack asked me if I'd like a glass of wine, and, thinking I'd go with him to get it, I said yes.

"I'll be right back. Why don't you wait here with Jill and the others?"

I suddenly felt very alone and vulnerable. I didn't like being alone with all these people I didn't know.

"So you're, Jen. Jack talks about you all the time. We had to hear all about you two going horseback riding last Sunday. It sounded like you really had a nice time. What did you think of Karen?"

I guess I took offense that this girl called me Jen instead of Jennifer. It bothered me a little that she should be so familiar, having just met. And she knew Jack's sister? I was a little surprised that Jack told her all about our date. It was nothing, I told myself.

I was polite and made small talk with the girl and the others. They asked a lot of questions. I think they were surprised at what I did. I was surprised that Jack hadn't told them. He seemed to have told them everything else about me.

I chided myself later for being annoyed at him. He was just being a man, and didn't I tell all my girlfriends all about him? I decided I was being silly for getting annoyed.

Jack was back in about ten minutes with my wine and a drink for himself. "Would you like to see my office?"

"Sure" I wanted to see where he worked, and I wanted to get away from Jill.

Jack's wasn't the largest office in the place, but it wasn't the smallest either, from what I saw. A glass wall separated it from Jill's desk. The far wall of smoked glass overlooked downtown. I looked out and saw the little river down below and the little park that Virginia and I strolled through that Sunday.

Jack's big desk was mahogany and matched the bookshelves that lined the whole wall behind him. The whole place looked rich, with its plush carpeting and expensive furniture.

"I had no idea you were so important," I told him with a bit of a smile. He picked up on my meaning and laughed. I was simply telling him I was impressed. Girls did that sort of thing to build up men's egos. He thought I was kidding. "No, I mean it." I insisted, playing the game I'd been taught to play.

He got a little more serious. "I'm eligible for a partnership in a few months, and if all goes well, I'll be up there with the big boys."

I went around the desk and, touching his face with my fingertips, I kissed him briefly and said, "I'm sure you'll get the promotion. You're very important to me." I had seen Jill walking up out of the corner of my eye, and I did it partly for her sake, partly because I wanted to. I guess I resented her, being so close to him all day, knowing more about us than I thought she should. I wanted her to know that Jack was mine, not hers. I suppose it was silly of me.

He blushed when I kissed him. It was so cute.

"I want to introduce you to my boss and some of the others."

"Where can I put this?" I asked for my glass of wine.

"Bring it with you." He said.

"I don't want your boss to meet me with a drink in my hand," I told him. Another lesson I learned. That one from Virginia. She was very wise in her knowledge of etiquette.

He took my glass and set it on Jill's desk. I liked that. Let her clean up after me. I really resented the girl. I didn't really know why; I hardly knew her. It was just that she was so attractive and so close to Jack all day.

We found his boss in a large crowded conference room with most of the partners, a few other staff attorneys, and the new client, as I found out later. They were having their own party. There was a bar in the corner of the large room and a table set with hot hors d'oeuvres.

I clung dutifully to Jack's arm as he took me around and introduced me to everyone. Virginia taught me well, and I smiled and laughed at their jokes, not too loud, but with just enough conviction to impress them, I hoped.

I was making small talk with one of Jack's friends when I heard my name called. "Jennifer?" I turned at the sound of my name.

"Mrs. Peterson?" I was shocked to see someone I knew.

"It is you, Jennifer. I wasn't sure." The older woman said with a smile.

We knew each other from church. I talked to her and her husband every Sunday when Virginia and I socialized after the services. They were dear old friends of Virginia's and good new friends of mine.

I didn't feel at all uncomfortable about exchanging hugs with her. We did it all the time.

"What brings you here, dear?" She asked.

I looked over at Jack. He finally found his voice. "I asked her to join me for dinner this evening," Jack explained. Meeting someone, I knew surprised him too.

Mrs. Peterson was happy to see me there with Jack. "I didn't know that you two knew each other."

I didn't know that her husband worked for the same firm as Jack. "Where's Mr. Peterson?" I asked. Mr. Peterson was an imp, at least that what Virginia called him. He was a sweet man who loved to tease, and he seemed to take great delight in teasing young women, and I was frequently the recipient of his attention. It was always innocent, and I look forward to seeing him each week. The fact that he saw me as a pretty young woman, worth his attention, always made me feel good about myself, about Jennifer. He and his wife made an adorable couple.

Mrs. Peterson looked around and spotted her husband. "There he is." She said, pointing across the room. "Wait until I tell him who I've found. I'll be right back, dear, don't go away." She left to fetch him.

"You know the Petersons?"

"We go to the same church," I explained. "They're such a sweet couple."

"He's the senior partner." Jack looked delighted.

"Your Boss?" I asked. I was surprised.

"No, but he will be if I get that promotion."

This could be good for Jack, I thought to myself.

I watched Mrs. Peterson as she approached her husband. I moved closer to Jack and took his arm again. I wanted Mr. Peterson to see us together when his wife told him I was there. My timing was perfect. The biggest grin filled his face. He reminded me of a little old Irishman, the way he smiled, and his face lit up.

He immediately excused himself from the people he'd been talking with and came over. "Jennifer, how nice to see you. What a surprise."

"Hello, Mr. Peterson. I hope you're going to behave yourself tonight." I said with my best smile.

"I always behave myself." He replied with his roguish grin. He turned to Jack. "I didn't know that you and our Jennifer here were seeing each other."

"Jack and I have only been seeing each other for a short time," I explained to Jack.

"We only met a few weeks ago." He added.

I realized my error. I had to be less aggressive in these new surroundings. It wasn't good for Jack to have me appear too assertive. Young women had their place in these circumstances. I was forgetting my coaching, and that wasn't good.

We talked for a short while, and I let Jack take over for me. Inevitably, the conversation turned to business, and I simply listened, as I should, not interrupting.

The Petersons had to return to the others, and we continued to mingle, with Jack introducing me to the others. I didn't forget again and acted the role of the interested but demure girlfriend.

Jack certainly seemed pleased by the way his peers reacted to me. 'It's important for a man to have a wife who knows how to act in front of his superiors. It can do a lot for his career.' That was some more of the wisdom Virginia had imparted to me. I was definitely not Jack's wife but didn't the same thing apply to a man's girlfriend?

We mingled with them for over an hour, and I played my part to perfection. I knew Virginia would have been proud of me. Before we left them to join the others outside, Jack was pulled aside by Mr. Peterson and was told we were invited to sit with them later at dinner. Jack came back very pleased.

"He must really like you," Jack said proudly when we left the room.

"I didn't do anything. He's just a friend." I said. I was rather proud of myself. At times it had been a little unnerving to behave the way I did.

"You did more than you know. He wants us to join them at his table for dinner."

"I'm glad," I said, smiling.

I was introduced to the people we missed earlier. I think Jack made sure he didn't miss anyone. He wanted them all to meet me. It was getting a little tiring, putting on an act for so long, with so many people, but I stayed right by his side, smiling the whole time.

I did feel a little funny when I had to go to the ladies' room. Surrounded by strangers who all knew Jack. I made pleasant conversation with the women I'd met that evening. It wasn't too tricky. I know what to do, how to behave. I'd had enough practice.

We managed to avoid Jill most of the time. That was fine with me. Whenever I spotted her across the room, looking our way, I simply moved in closer to Jack. She pretty much left us alone.

Finally, around eight, the party started to break up, and people began leaving. "Is everyone going to the dinner?" I asked. There were so many of them.

"Just the partners, the clients, and the staff lawyers. The party was for the office personnel." He explained.

"Oh, that makes sense." I had another question, "Where is the dinner?"

"It's upstairs, in the penthouse. They've brought in a chef from New York hired a seven-piece orchestra."

It sounded very formal. I wished then that I had dressed differently, but it was too late to worry about it. Given the invitation we'd received from his boss, maybe I was wrong.

I thought Jack's office was posh. The penthouse was even more extravagantly furnished. I sank into the deep pile carpet in my heels. The furniture was all antique, and none of the pieces were reproductions. Tasteful oil paintings adorned the walls, and there were no less than five huge chandeliers, each over one of the five long mahogany dining tables. The orchestra played soft music while waiters circulated through the room, serving more hors d'oeuvres and bringing drinks.

Jack kept me close on his arm. He glanced at me from time to time, and he looked very pleased. If not for the company we were in, I know he would have kissed me each time. His ardor excited me. It made me wish we could leave, but that wasn't possible.

Dinner was excellent, and the company we shared made it even more enjoyable. Jack sat to my left, and Mr. Peterson was on my right. He did tease me a little, but not too much. He was fun to be with. Mrs. Peterson gave him the dickens and told him to leave me alone, but he didn't listen; he never did. I didn't mind.

Jack didn't seem to mind either. By knowing his potential new boss could only be good for him, and the way we got along was great. I was well aware that I could be an asset to him, and that pleased me no end.

When the conversation turned serious, I adopted the proper posture. I listened intently; when appropriate, I would ask questions, but I never, never gave my opinion. Not that I didn't have one to offer.

It was almost eleven when we excused ourselves and left the party. Tactfully, we weren't the first to leave but weren't the last either. That would have been boorish. Jack had to promise to Mr. Peterson and his wife that he would bring me to all the company functions. He did, eagerly.

Maybe it was because I had such a good time, but it didn't seem late as we rode the elevator down to the garage. Jack asked, "Should I take you home?"

I thought I knew what he was thinking, he'd gone too far the other night, and he didn't know quite what to do now. He was being cautious.

I had an edge, a power over him, that I never imagined I could. I never realized, in the past, before the days of Jennifer, that women could control men the way they could. I never thought as I became this new person that I would ever have that kind of control, or would even want to. It was very satisfying, very exciting.

I debated with myself for a second. How do I answer him and give him the right message? "I'm not tired. It's been a wonderful evening so far." Not too bold.

"What would you like to do?" He asked.

I didn't want to assume control of the evening. I did want to find a way to be alone with him and, within limits, enjoy some of the passion, the excitement I experienced with him last Sunday.

"I don't know, Jack. Is there somewhere quiet we could go to be alone?" I only wanted to suggest, not direct.

He was thoughtful for a moment. "We could go to my house? I have some great old records, and I think I have a bottle of wine chilled."

With anyone else, after what happened last time we were alone, I would have been terrified at the thought. Jack had shown his regret at what he tried with me. I was sure he wouldn't try anything like that again. I was sure it was safe enough.

"That sounds nice. I'd like to see where you live." I was curious.

We talked about how well everything went that evening, and I told him I hoped my being friends with Mr. Peterson didn't cause him any problems.

He assured me it was not a problem and that our being friends was definitely an asset.

I knew how important office politics were to anyone's career, and while I didn't really have to play the game myself, as the boss's 'daughter,' Jack certainly did.

The overwhelming undertones of the political games played in Jack's office were obvious. I had never seen the game played so intently until that evening. If you didn't play the game and play it well, you didn't stand a chance of getting ahead. Having someone at your side with who your superiors took such delight with was definitely an advantage that any of Jack's peers would have given anything for.

Virginia's always said that the right wife made all the difference in a man's career. That could certainly apply to a man's girlfriend too.

Jack lived in a quaint rural neighborhood on the outskirts of Atlanta, about a three-quarter hour drive from his office. I pictured him living in a penthouse. It was undoubtedly an affluent neighborhood, judging by the well-maintained large homes with their beautifully landscaped yards. Jack's was one of the nicer-looking homes, from what I could see in the light from the streetlamps.

I had been brave, back at the office. Now I was far from familiar surroundings with a man that both excited and scared me. I wondered if it had been such a good idea as he opened the front door to his home and ushered me inside.

It was furnished nicely, to a man's taste. The furniture was heavy with lots of wood trim. The pictures that hung on the walls exhibited a man's taste. Over the fireplace was an enormous painting of a sailing ship. There was not a live flower or plant in sight, no color.

I might have found the surroundings appealing once. My tastes had changed considerably. "It's very nice," I told him, trying to appear impressed.

"I do my own decorating." He said proudly.

I wanted to tell him he should have hired a decorator.

"Why don't you make yourself comfortable? I'll put on some music and get us a glass of wine."

That was difficult. I sat on the sofa where I could partially see him in his kitchen. I debated sitting in one of the chairs, but that would have sent a definite signal, and I didn't want to do that. I was in a precarious position.

It took Jack only a few moments to join me with the wine. Through speakers hidden in the ceiling, I assumed, came the music. Oldies from the sixties. Nice, easy listening, tunes.

It was awkward for both of us, sitting there, not saying a word, pretending to be just enjoying the music. Someone had to break the ice.

"Jack," I started, very unsure of myself. The little boy listened. "we got off to a very confusing start last Sunday."

"I know; I'm sorry, Jen."

He was taking the blame again. "No, Jack, just listen." I had thought about what I'd say to him all week. "It wasn't your fault. It was mine."

He started to interrupt me. I put my fingers over his lips to quiet him. I had to get out the words I'd rehearsed, uninterrupted.

"I'm a virgin, Jack." It was the only plausible explanation I could come up with. "I've made a promise to myself and my mother that I would remain one until I find the right man and we get married." It sounded corny, I knew that, and it also might turn off most men. I was gambling that Jack was different.

He looked surprised, and I couldn't blame him. Whoever heard of a twenty-two-year-old virgin these days. "I know it sounds very old-fashioned, but I can't help it, Jack." Then came the really hard part. I put on as though I was ashamed of myself. "The other night, I came very close to breaking that promise. I wanted you so badly." Give him a little hope, just a little.

"I didn't know Jen. I'm sorry. I won't. . ."

"No, Jack, you don't understand." I paused for effect. "Your gentle touch. The way you make me feel. It drove me crazy, and no man ever made me feel that way before." Wasn't that the truth? "I don't trust myself with you."

I saw compassion. "I didn't know you felt that way about me."

"That's what scares me, Jack." Did he know I was trying to put the responsibility on him to stop short of going too far?

"Jen, I promise that nothing will happen if you don't want it to."

That's what I wanted to hear. "You are so sweet. How did I ever find someone like you?" I leaned over and kissed him tenderly on the lips. "I'm so lucky."

"I'm the lucky one." He took my cue and made the next advance.

It was wonderful, and Jack didn't break his promise. Our passionate love-making stopped short of my removing any of my clothes below my waist. He did everything I asked of him, and it was so arousing.

As he did all that I asked of him, and none of what I'd asked him not to, I felt obligated to fulfill his one request. He was kneeling on the floor, between my legs, sucking on my breasts, and asked me to rub him. He did have his pants on, I remember thinking. He climbed back on the couch, and while he continued to caress my chest, we kissed, and I rubbed his crotch. I was amazed at how big he was under the fabric and how he responded to my touch. The harder I rubbed him, the more passionately he caressed my breasts. It was heaven for me, and we responded in tune to each other's touch, getting ever more aroused. He unzipped his fly and guided my hand to his erection. I thought he just wanted me to rub it. He pulled it out of his underwear and guided my hand until I was stroking it alone. It was almost too much. He leaned over to put his mouth over my breast again, and I felt the warmth rise in me again. I all but forgot about the mechanical motion of my hand as it stroked him harder and harder until the inevitable happened.

I shouldn't have been surprised when Jack started to make the little moaning sounds, and his erection started pulsing in my hand. I looked down only when I felt the warm fluid on my hand. He had actually come in my hand. Later, when I had dressed again and cleaned up when I was calmer, I was embarrassed about what I'd done.

I still wondered if only I was a whole woman. If only I could have experienced what women take for granted. What would it have been like to have him inside me? I drove the thought from my mind. There was just no way I could ever find out.

He asked again if there was any way we could see each other on Saturday, and I had to remind him I had plans with my friends. He was disappointed, and so was I. He had, again, made me feel so good. "Why don't you call me tomorrow around noon, and if I can get out of my commitment, I will." I would try.

I didn't tell Connie what happened at his house when she and I awoke Saturday morning. I did tell her we kissed, and she asked me again how it made me feel. I was honest and told her I enjoyed it. That excited me, but that's all I told her.

I was certainly not going to tell Christy. She and I met at her place. We had to go shopping for new shoes, and she had a fitting for the bridesmaid dress she bought for the wedding she was going to in a few weeks.

I felt guilty, as though I'd been cheating on her. It was so confusing. I wanted to tell her how great it was with Jack, but I knew she'd be hurt. If we could just finish our shopping early enough and get her through her fitting by noon, I could make some kind of excuse and get home to get Jack's call.

It didn't work that way, unfortunately for me. We didn't even get into the fitters till after one, and it took an hour. I knew I'd missed his call.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, and she wanted us to go out with Debbie and Brook that night. She hadn't even told me she'd made plans for us.

I called Jack around three. He wasn't home, but I left him a message explaining that I got hung up and couldn't get away. I asked him if he'd call me that evening, around eleven. I didn't tell his machine what I was thinking, that I was trying to find a way to spend Sunday with him. It didn't even occur to me that he might have other plans.

Christy was disappointed, even a little upset that I wanted to go home instead of staying with her that night. I promised I'd make it up to her when she dropped me off around ten that night.

Connie was surprised I was home so early. I explained about my wanting to be home for Jack's call.

"Is that really fair to Christy?" She asked. "You seem more interested in Jack these days than her. She's been a very good friend when you needed her."

Connie only made me feel more guilty than I already did. "I know it's just that things are different now." I tried to tell her.

"Different how?"

I wasn't sure myself. "I don't know. I don't feel the same way I used to feel about her."

"Since you met Jack?"

"I suppose so." It was true. She wasn't grilling me; she was just sitting there asking questions. She was making me think, and that's probably all she intended to do.

"Jennifer, I think it's wonderful that you've met someone, but you need to be cautious. Your relationship with Christy's been a relatively safe one for you, under the circumstances. Still, if you're going to go out with men, you need to be oh so careful. Maybe we should talk to Dr. Winter and see if there isn't something she can do to help you be a little more comfortable with yourself."

What was Connie getting at? "What?" I asked.

"Well, there is a corrective surgery that would make you more of a woman."

Had she read my deepest thoughts, the thoughts that were causing me so much anguish and confusion? I knew that there were women out there who used to be men, but how complete was the surgery? "They can do that? I mean, they could change me to be just like a woman?"

"Of course they can. I've heard that it's a relatively simple procedure."

Could it be that easy? "I have wondered about what it would be like," I admitted to her.

"Wouldn't it be wonderful, Honey, to be a complete, whole person again?"

I never thought of myself as 'incomplete' before, but now I could see she was right. "Sure it would." Still, it was a scary thought.

"When do you go see her next?"

"Tuesday" Connie knew I went every Tuesday.

"Would you like me to come with you, and we can both find out?"

I'd never had the nerve to ask myself. "Yes, please." I agreed anxiously.

I had some things to think about. I waited in my room for Jack's call. As the hour round eleven, I waited anxiously for the phone to ring. Eleven came and went. Eleven ten. Eleven twenty, still no call. Eleven thirty. I was worried he wouldn't call. He had to have gotten my message. Midnight came and went.

I saw the Petersons at church, and we talked about Jack. When we got back to Virginia's after church, and I had changed, I called his house. No answer. I didn't leave a message on his machine that time. I didn't want to seem too pushy. As anxious as I was to hear from him, I didn't want him to think I was chasing him. That lesson came from Trish and Kim.

We had a lovely day, but I could have been better.

There was no message on our machine when I got home Sunday night. He hadn't called.

By Monday morning, I was sure it was my fault. I'd gone too far, telling him I was a virgin and that sex was out of the question. I couldn't offer Jack enough; he was dumping me, I told myself.

When I answered the phone that afternoon, and it was Jack, I was so relieved. His explanation was so simple. He gone up to Karen's for the day and decided to stay overnight. Our visit with Karen and her family had made him think about how he'd been neglecting his sister and her kids, his niece and nephew. He didn't get home till late Sunday night and felt it was too late to call.

All my fears, my apprehensions, melted away. "I missed you," I told him sincerely.

"I missed you too." He replied.

Jack had 'commitments' that evening. I would have gone out with him in a heartbeat, had he asked. Instead, I went and worked out with Trish. Kim was out of town, working.

"He's got nice buns," I remarked to Trish as we walked toward the aerobics room.

She turned and looked. "Where?" Then it dawned on her, and she turned to me. "Jennifer!?"

"What?" I asked innocently.

Trish looked at me curiously. "What's gotten into you lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"This interest in guys all of a sudden? Dating this 'Jack'?"

I took offense. "What's wrong with me seeing Jack once in a while?" She didn't know I thought about him all the time lately.

Trish was a little surprised at my reaction. "Nothing, if that's what you want."

"He's a nice guy, and he treats me so good." I mellowed out.

"I think it's great that you've found someone. I just worry about you."

Who wasn't worried about me these days? I knew she was sincere in her concern. I wasn't angry with her. I decided to ask her opinion about what had been on my mind since Sunday night. "Can we go over in the corner? I want to ask you something, and I don't want anyone to overhear."

We were early, and there were only a few women in the room.

"What would you think if I told you I was considering getting a sex change?" It sounded so weird to just come out and say it.

Trish was thoughtful for a moment. "If it's right for you, Jen, you should do it. You certainly have become a woman in every other respect."

I wanted to hear yes or no. "You don't think it's crazy?"

She responded instantly, "No! You're not crazy. Under the circumstances, it would seem like the right thing to do. You do live as a woman, and you have definitely started thinking like one." She grinned. "'Nice buns' indeed."

I couldn't help but laugh along with her. It broke the tension.

After our workout, we talked some more. Trish didn't say do it, and she didn't say don't. She said that with the direction my life had taken, it seemed that it would be the thing to do. She also said, and she was right, that it had to be my decision alone. I had to do what would make me happy.

I knew what Connie thought, and I knew how Trish felt about the idea. I wasn't satisfied yet. I wanted another opinion.

I was relieved to find Virginia's home.

"What's bothering you, Sweetheart?" She asked when we sat down in the living room.

I started with the fundamental question. "What do you think of me?"

"That's a silly question. I love you like you were my own daughter."

That I knew. It was so awkward to ask my question. "If I told you I was thinking of having surgery, to make me a woman, what would you say?"

Her face lit up. "I'd say that was wonderful." She said with delight. "I'm so happy for you, dear." She moved over next to me and hugged me.

Why I wondered, was she so thrilled? I had to ask.

"I guess there's something I should tell you. Come with me." She took my hand and led me upstairs to her bedroom.

She guided me to her dresser and pointed to the photos in the gold frame on her dresser. Virginia had shown me pictures of Jimmy before, her son that had died. The photo on the right was Jimmy. The other was of a girl. I had no idea who she was.

I knew it hurt her to talk about Jimmy. "It's such a shame that Jimmy's gone, but what's he have to do with me."

"Look closely at the other picture." She told me.

The girl bore a striking resemblance to Jimmy when I took a closer look. I still didn't understand. "Is this his cousin?" I knew Virginia didn't have a daughter.

"No, Sweetheart. That's my Jimmy too."

Unbelievable! I stared at the two photos. "No!"

"Yes, it's true. That picture was taken a few months before Jimmy committed suicide."

"Oh God, no." I was heartsick for my friend. It was at that moment that I began to understand why the woman opened up her heart to me. Why she befriended, supported, and nurtured me through my transition from Jeffrey to Jennifer.

"Jimmy was always a gentle child, quiet, sensitive, almost introverted. We never knew why. His father called him a sissy because he wasn't interested in doing the things his friends did. He didn't like sports and preferred to play with the girls in the neighborhood. He tried to tell us he was different, in a hundred different ways, but we were too blind to see."

"His father wouldn't listen when he finally tried to tell us what he had known for years. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do or say. His father disowned him, threw him out of the house. I was mortified, unable to understand what was happening to him."

"That picture was taken by friends, on one of the few periods in his life that he was truly happy and at peace with himself, away from his father and I. Apart from me wanted to support him, but it was so difficult. He and his father constantly battled right up until he finally left."

I sat quietly and listen to her pour her heart out.

"We heard little from Jimmy after that. He moved from place to place, staying with one or the other of the friends he'd made. He had no money, no job. No one would hire him. He was harassed and badgered wherever he went. All Jimmy wanted was to make the transition from what he was born to the person inside. Without the support, either financial or emotional, he fell into such a deep depression."

"He would occasionally call, pleading. He wanted to come home. All he wanted was my love and comfort, and I couldn't give it to him. Paul, my ex-husband, wouldn't even allow his name to be mentioned in the house."

"It had been almost three months since I'd heard from Jimmy when a friend of his called, another transsexual. Jimmy had moved to Texas, hoping to find work near the clinic where they would do the gender reassignment if he raised the money. His depression had grown worse. He was, drinking, using drugs."

"One night, he was beaten by some gay-bashers. He survived their brutal assault only to crawl into an alley. With a broken bottle, he slashed his wrists and died in the gutter."

I took Virginia in my arms, and she softly sobbed and tried to console her. In all the time I'd known that woman, I'd never seen her cry. Guilt had led her to be my guardian angel. Guilt for what she felt she'd driven her only son to do.

"All he wanted was my love." She said when she could finally stop her sobbing. "And I wasn't there for him." She dried her eyes and looked over at me. "That first day I met you, in my office, I saw Jimmy. I saw another struggling soul, and I swore that you wouldn't suffer the same fate as my Jimmy."

"I'm fine," I assured her. She was so giving. Not just toward me but in everything.

"I know you are, dear. You have people who love you and care about you."

She was reassuring me. "I have you and Connie."

"And your friends." She reminded me.

I did have a lot of friends.

I came back to my original question after she finished drying her eyes. "Virginia, should I have the surgery?"

"If that's what your heart tells you is right for you, yes. Trust us that your Mother, Connie, and I will find you the best help money can buy."

I stayed with Virginia that night. I didn't leave her side till well over an hour later when I was sure she was all right. That had been very hard for Virginia, and my heart went out to her.

As I lay in bed, in the dark, I tried to put myself in Jimmy's place, but it had been so easy for me. I didn't anguish over anything until I arrived in Atlanta. I never felt that I was the proverbial 'woman in a man's body until only recently. And I had Connie and Virginia and all the others. He'd had to live with his confusion, his secret desires, all his young life. How terrible it must have been for him, I thought as I waited for sleep.

When Connie came to pick me up for work the following day, I had was still undecided, but I wanted to hear what Dr. Winter had to say about the surgery. There was only one logical choice to be made. I had everything a girl could want and more. A great job, a career. A mother and Aunt who loved me.

I had Christy, at least for a while. Would she still want me if I went through with it?

I had Jack. I still struggled with my dilemma there. Was it curiosity or a deep emotional need that the man filled? Did I really long to be a woman? I was so confused.

Dr. Winter didn't appear surprised at our question. "It's not as simple as that." She explained. "Gender reassignment usually requires quite some time in therapy and then living as a woman for a period of time."

"Jennifer's been living as a woman for quite a while, and she's very well adjusted," Connie replied, looking at me and smiling.

"It's up to the therapist as to when an individual's ready."

She had already explained what the procedure entailed, and it sounded relatively simple. It didn't sound as scary as I thought it would. I was didn't realize that it would involve so much time in therapy. I wondered what sort of questions the therapist would ask?

On our way back to the office, Connie had a thought. "You know Jennifer, we don't have to go through all of what she described. There are some very fine clinics in Mexico that will perform the same surgery."

A part of me was impatient; another was scared to death. Added to that, the fear of going out of the country to a place like Mexico was more than a little frightening. I wondered how Connie knew about the clinics there?

"I'll do some checking, but in the meantime, I'll make you an appointment with the therapist as soon as possible." Connie obviously wanted to hurry things along.

That's what I wanted too, I told myself.

We got an appointment for Thursday. I had to skip my regular appointment with Dr. Winter to make it, but that was all right. She had run out of new drugs to try, she told us on Tuesday. She had tried everything and told me she was sorry she couldn't do anything to help me. Under the current circumstances, that didn't surprise me. I had given up hope of ever being myself again.

I didn't go alone. Connie and Virginia went with me for support. I was glad they came. The three of us talked to the woman for the first few minutes.

Connie and I had discussed what I should say to the therapist. She convinced me that I shouldn't worry about bending the truth a little to make me appear more than ready for surgery. It was no problem to get Virginia to agree to go along.

After the therapist got over her initial shock, meeting me, she explained, "I spoke to Dr. Winter, and she tried to tell me what to expect, but I must admit Jennifer, after meeting you, she didn't prepare me nearly enough."

The woman was impressed, not just by how I looked but also by how I came across. I was glad Connie had coached me.

At the end of our hour, she was happy to tell me, "With what I know of you from Dr. Winter and after talking with you, I don't think there's going to be any problem. We'll set you up with bimonthly visits and, in a year, if all goes well, we'll be able to go ahead and schedule your surgery.

I was floored, and so were Connie and Virginia when I told them what she said.

"That's absurd! There's no way you should have to wait that long." Connie was upset. "Don't worry, Jen. We'll find another way. I should hear back by tomorrow from the clinics I contacted."

"That soon?" I asked with mixed emotions. Things were happening very fast.

Connie was true to her word. "We have an appointment in Mexico City on Monday." She told me Friday afternoon. "We fly out early Monday morning." She was thrilled.

I was very nervous, but I didn't want her to know that. "That's wonderful."

It was our secret, the three of us. I didn't say anything to any of my friends about it. I told Christy and Jack that I had to be out of town on business Monday.