Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 11

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I had a major dose of conflicting emotions on Friday. I was excited about the game and the pep rally that was taking place during the fifth and sixth periods. However, there was the dose of the reality of having to see the doctor and then to see Jenny, my therapist, and counselor.

I swung by the competition display cases and saw that we were down to eighteen contestants. I scanned the faces. I soon realized that I only knew a few of them. There were a few that I didn't even know their names. I then got a brainstorm and walked over to Ms. B's office. She totally agreed with me that the remaining members of the group were not very close. She liked my idea of us having a weekly group meeting and that she would schedule one next week.

"We tried it a few years ago, and it didn't work, but this year looks different. Usually, we're in single digits by now, but since we have such a big group, I think it will work. Thank you, Erika."

In Civics, we got the great news that we had to submit our topic for our research paper on Monday. I really liked our teacher. His name was Mr. Kline, and he was sort of an aging hippie. I think he was in his late fifties, and he still wore his hair in a long gray ponytail and usually wore jeans and t-shirts. He really tried to get us to expand our minds and to make us form actual opinions.

I walked up to him after class. "Excuse me, Mr. Kline, I was wondering if I could do my paper on the judicial system? Specifically, I want to focus on the process that the state uses from the crime to the actual trial."

He looked at me and smiled. "Hmmm, I wonder why you want to do that?" he stated in a slightly sarcastic tone. "Yes, Erica, that would be an excellent topic for you. Now tell me, what's your opinion on the way your case has been handled?"

Another thing I liked about Mr. Kline was that he treated us like adults. "I'm impressed with the DA, Mr. Warren. He seems very concerned with my rights and feelings."

"Has he told you about the way defense lawyers treat rape victims?" he asked in a concerted manner.

"Yes, he told me that they would prepare me when we get closer to trial. He's hoping that the other side offers a deal, but he isn't too optimistic."

"Well, I have some contacts with a few victims' rights groups, and I'll let them know about your situation. They might be able to provide some help. They have some excellent experts that your DA might be interested in using. I know this will be very difficult for you. Feel free to drop in anytime you need to talk."

"Thank you. I truly appreciate your concern."

I thought that it hadn't been a bad day so far. It was also nice that it didn't hurt as much to smile.

The pep rally was awesome. We all piled into the gym. The band was playing so loud that you could actually feel it. I waved to Kristen and Tracey. I saw that Rachael was back. She'd been at the State Championships and had been out of town since Saturday. She had placed second overall, and they were going to honor her during the pep rally. I saw she was waving at me, and I got out of my seat and walked down to her.

"Erika, I was so shocked when I heard what happened," she greeted me as she carefully hugged me.

"Your taking second place gave me a lift."

"That reminds me, I want to show you this." She opened up her bag and showed me her shoes. She had written my initials on her shoes. "I did this to honor you at the meet. I think it gave me luck."

"Thank you." I started to wipe my eyes. Rachael was also crying. We then both started laughing. We hugged, and I went back to my seat. It was still a pretty good day.

After the pep rally, I rode with Mom to the hospital. The doctor was pleased to see me. He examined my face and seemed happy with my progress. He took out the sutures and put a new bandage on it. He also asked me about some other issues. I told him that I hadn't had any bleeding since Monday morning. He then told me that the test results on Jason had also come back negative. He went into his desk and pulled out some information on plastic surgery, and he handed it to Mom. Personally, I didn't think my nose looked that bad.

We then stopped at Jenny's office. It was located in a small medical complex near the hospital. The receptionist had me take a seat and fill out a form. I only had to wait a few minutes before I was taken back to see Jenny.

She was more dressed up than the last time I'd seen her. She was wearing a gray skirt, a white blouse, and a black blazer.

"So, tell me how you feel and remember, you don't have to hold back and give an answer you think that I want to hear," she asked with a smile.

"Thanks, actually I'm doing okay, as long as I'm with other people, or when I'm really busy. Being alone or just having free time to think is pretty tough. As tired as I was all week, I'm glad I went to school."

She had me tell her all about the past few days and what was going through my mind. It was nice to have someone I could talk to who I could be totally open with. We even talked about my initial contact with the DA. She also told me to set aside time to relax.

"Will it be as bad as he said it will when I'm cross-examined?" I asked.

"No, it could be much worse. I know the lawyer defending Jason. He can be very brutal. He will bring up any detail that might make the jury think that you brought this on yourself. He has already shown his hand a bit, and your being a transsexual will be a major issue," stated Jenny. She saw my surprise at her calling me a transsexual. "Jean Bell is a very old and dear friend. She called me, and we discussed your situation at great length. She obviously thinks a lot of you. I hope you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind; in fact, it makes me feel a bit better."

"Anyway, you can expect to be dragged through the mud. His actions will be like a second assault. I understand the legal concept of fighting for your client; I don't understand the cruel way in which it is often done. That's why many rape victims won't even report the crime or take the stand, even when it means the attacker will get off."

"I will be ready. I want to see him locked up for as long as legally possible."

"Good. You will have a chance to make a victim's statement at the end of the trial. It can be your chance to tell him what you think. Let's continue this next week at the same time; is that good for you?"

I nodded. "Yes, that sounds good. Thank you, again!"

I met Mom outside in the waiting area, and we made the next appointment. As we drove home, I talked to her about my session.

"You don't have to talk about this unless you want to, honey."

"I don't mind, and it helps me to express my thoughts. You can even pretend to listen if you want."

"Sounds good. I'll nod occasionally and say something like yes or hmm or okay. I'll just pretend I'm you when I'm lecturing you on something."

I broke out in laughter. It felt good.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. There was a phone message from Mrs. Lincoln for you this afternoon. She wants you to call her back. She was wondering if you'd be interested in working for her as a salesgirl in one of her shops. So, who is she?"

I smiled, thinking about the best way to describe Mrs. Lincoln. "She was the woman who provided the gowns for Homecoming. She is unique. She dresses and speaks very formally, and everything is perfect. She comes off as being a bit of a snob, but she's really very sweet."

"Do you think that you might want to work for her? It could be a great opportunity."

"Well, I do have free time, now that cross-country is over. Coach has asked me to go out for track, but that won't be until spring. I'd rather be doing something other than just sitting around. I just wonder if she'd want me as a salesgirl now, being I look rather gruesome."

"You do not look gruesome, and the bruises are fading. I think you should call her."

When we got home, I found the message and called her. "Good evening, Mrs. Lincoln, this is Erika Walters, and I'm returning your call."

"Erika, oh yes, thank you for being so prompt. I would like to hire you as a salesgirl for my store at the Golden Hill Mall. I believe that is only a mile away from your home. I would need you three days a week, 6:00-9:00PM, and Sunday afternoon 12:00-5:00PM. You will be required to be well dressed and well-groomed. I will see to the clothing. I provide all my employees with outfits to the model during their shifts. I would like you to start Monday. I need to get you trained before the holiday rush starts."

I was caught off-guard by her offer. From the sound of it, she had already made up her mind.

"It sounds great, but I don't think that I am presently qualified." Before I could finish, she interrupted me.

"Nonsense. I saw the way you handled yourself at that school event of yours. You can more than handle the position I am offering you."

"It's not that. I don't know if you heard, but I was attacked this past weekend, and I got beat up really badly. I'm afraid I'd frighten your customers."

"Nonsense, child. I will be at the Golden Hill store for another hour. You come down here, and we'll talk. I expect to see you soon. Good-bye."

I hung up the phone and shook my head. I told Mom what she'd said, and I asked her for the keys to the car.

"You up to going by yourself? Why don't I join you? We can grab dinner down there afterward."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay." But I was relieved to have her come along.

I changed before going over. I put on a nicer skirt and sweater. I also put on my favorite black boots. I figured she'd take one look at my face and come up with some polite excuse. I tried to estimate how long it would take for them to all fade away. Anyway, it would be a few weeks at least.

On the way over, Mom asked me if I was nervous about seeing Mrs. Lincoln.

"No, I was just thinking about the attack. I am so angry that he took away my freedom and left me with fear."

"You'll get your confidence back; it will take time, and it is all part of the healing process."

We walked into the mall and over to Mrs. Lincoln's store. We agreed to meet in an hour by the Chinese restaurant. I went in and asked to see Mrs. Lincoln. The saleswoman walked me to the back. We stopped outside a door, and she told me to wait outside.

She knocked and entered. "Excuse me, Mrs. Lincoln. The young lady you were expecting has arrived." She turned to me and smiled. "Go right in."

I entered and found Mrs. Lincoln getting up from her desk. Her office was just like her; it was beautiful and extremely orderly with everything in place.

"Good evening, Erika, please have a seat. Now, let me take a look at you."

She stood up and walked around, and looked at my face. She appeared to be taking mental notes as she inspected the damage.

"He definitely seems to have done a thorough job. Still, I see that the bruises are showing signs of fading. Your nose is a bit crooked, but it isn't bad. That scar above your right eye should heal in time. No, I see no reason why this unfortunate incident should stop you from working for me. By midweek, we should be able to cover much of the damage with makeup."

I let out a slight sigh of relief.

Sensing my release of relief, she smiled softly at me. "Dear, I am not trivializing what happened to you. You were attacked and violated in a most heinous way. That will take time to recover from. In the meantime, you have to go on with your life. I still want to hire you. But I want you to get one thing, I am not hiring you out of pity. I also will not cut you any slack. You showed me something back in October, and I believe that you have great potential."

I waited for a second to see if she was really done or just grabbing a breath. "I accept your offer. I'm really looking forward to working for you."

"Excellent. I knew that you would see it my way," she stated. Mrs. Lincoln proceeded to talk to me for the next thirty minutes about what she expected from her sales force. She sounded demanding but fair. I had to admit that the idea of wearing expensive outfits every day at work sounded like fun. I was told that I would start Monday, and she expected to see me here at 5:45 PM.

I met Mom just outside the restaurant. I told her that I now had a job and that I was starting on Monday. As we ate our dinner, Mom noticed a couple sitting at a nearby table staring at me. I had seen them too but was trying to ignore them. The woman had pointed at me and then leaned over to the man and whispered something to him. He would then look over at us and then whisper back to her.

It was really annoying and distracting. I could feel them both looking at me, and I turned towards them. They quickly turned away and pretended to be talking about something. As soon as I looked away, they started staring at me again.

I finally had enough and turned around suddenly. "Is there something I can help you with?" I asked sweetly.

At first, they were at a loss for words. My question had obviously caught them off guard.

Finally, the woman spoke. "I'm sorry to be so rude, but are you the girl who was attacked this past weekend?" she asked in a low, soft voice.

I fought my instinct to give her a sarcastic answer. "Yes, I am."

"I thought it was you. I'm glad to see you are doing better than the last time I saw you," she explained.

"I'm sorry, should I know you?" I asked. I was taken aback by her response. How did she know me?

She smiled. "I told Bill that you didn't remember me; very few do. I'm Officer Nina Robbins; I was in the ER with you last week."

Then it hit me; she was the policewoman who was assigned to collect evidence of the assault. I instantly broke out in a huge smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you. I do remember your kindness and how you treated me. Thank you for being so understanding. By the way, I'm Erika, and this is my mom."

"It's a real pleasure to meet you. I'm Jill Walters," Mom greeted them, extending her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Jill; this is my husband, Bill. You should be very proud of Erika, as she gave us a very detailed description of the perpetrator and his vehicle. That is why we were able to catch him so quickly."

"I'm very proud of her," beamed Mom.

Bill had the staff move our tables together so we could continue our conversation a little more comfortably. We found out that Bill was also a policeman and had just been promoted to detective. I was thinking that thanks to the Martins, I now knew half the police force - well, maybe not half. It was the only good thing about meeting them, I felt.

It was a fun evening. I thought that overall it had been a very good day. Jenny had told me to take things slowly, so a good day was something to be cherished.

I woke up Saturday morning and eagerly got ready for the game. I showered and did my new daily ritual of checking the progress of my recovery. I still looked bad, but at least the bruises were fading. I looked at the bottle of pain pills and was glad that I didn't need them anymore. It had been three days since I had last taken one. My ribs were still a little sore, but I had gotten used to that. Also, my nose still hurt a little, but not enough for drugs. The scar above my right eye was still gross-looking. Still, I looked a lot better than I had a week ago. My body had an involuntary shiver at the thought of my assault. I started to slip into feelings of self-pity and "why me?" but I quickly ran those ideas out of my brain. Overall, I was having an above-average school year and, without this incident, it would be a great year. Still, it was hard not to get a crime as personal as this one was out of my mind.

I slipped on my jeans and put on my bra and boobs. I must admit the idea of having my own real boobs was pretty exciting. I had done some online research about hormones and how long they would take to cause change. Caroline and I were planning to ask Ms. B if we could start sooner than April. I wouldn't risk the scholarship, but I wanted to get started as soon as possible. I slipped on a red turtleneck top and then my new Wolfhound sweatshirt. My old one was sitting in a police evidence room along with my favorite pair of jeans.

I went downstairs and joined Mom at the breakfast table. I asked her if she was sure about not coming to the game. She told me that she'd never really liked football and that she liked being out in the cold watching even less. She said that she was going to get some quiet time in. I knew there was a better reason, but I decided not to press her. I suspected it had something to do with my father.

Cat called and said that everyone was meeting at her place around 10:00. I told her about the job and meeting Nina in the Chinese restaurant. Cat told me that she was seriously thinking of going into law enforcement. I was stunned, as I had thought she was capable of so much more. But then she said that she wanted to focus on the science and forensic investigation side of police work. I asked her why the sudden career decision, and she told me that she had been thinking about it for a while, but she'd made up her mind after my attack. She liked the idea of helping nail people like Jason.

I had no trouble going over to Cat's house. The fact that I took the long route and did not cut across the yard was very logical. It was to avoid getting mud on my shoes. No, even I didn't believe that one. I was happy that I did walk over without an escort, so we'll call that a victory.

Laura and Paul arrived a few minutes later. We were so excited. The Wolfhounds just had to win this game. I really needed us to win. That may sound selfish, but I really didn't need any more disappointment in my life.

We arrived at the stadium and parked the car. The crowd was unbelievable. The game had attracted a lot of football fans from all over the area. Many figured that both starting quarterbacks were going to be at major universities and that they might end up in the pros, so this game could one day achieve legendary status.

We found our seats and did what we had done all season; that was to stand for the whole game. Thankfully, they didn't put the adults near us. I'm sure that they would have complained about our standing and our noise level.

We watched the familiar sight of Willi leading out the Wolfhounds. The team seemed really focused. Then came the returning champions onto the field. The Mudlarks also looked very focused.

Both teams played the first quarter very carefully and conservatively. We were slowly winning the battle of field position due to our great punting. Paul kept pointing this out to me. I let him go. I didn't want to tell him that I had played football in Junior High. Why burst his bubble?

The game was 0-0 at the end of the first quarter. During the delay, I looked around the Pit. I saw Caroline and waved to her. Then I felt someone tapping my shoulder. It was Rachael. She had a big smile on her face.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked.

"Here, use these. Look at their feet," said Rachael, handing me a pair of binoculars.

I looked through them and focused on the feet of the team. I could just make out a small EW on many of their shoes.

"I showed Alex what I had done to my shoes for the meet, and he thought it was a great idea and that he would do it too. I guess it kind of caught on," she said.

"Thank you, Rachael. You just made my day!" I replied, barely holding back my tears.

"Hey, you really won the rest of the team and me over. I doubt if you know this, but the team wasn't very happy when Coach first brought you on the team. Some of the girls were ready to quit. But, when we saw that you just wanted to help the team, we changed our minds. I am really happy and very proud to call you a teammate."

I gave her a hug and thanked her again. Thankfully, the game started up again and prevented us from making an even bigger emotional display. We had the ball around our 40-yard line when Alex threw a long pass. We hadn't noticed that Mike had been brought into the game as a receiver. With his speed, he easily outran the defender and caught the ball at their 20. He sprinted into the end zone for a touchdown. The Pit went ballistic. We were all jumping up and down and screaming. I had to be careful not to get hit in the nose. The last place I wanted to end up today was the ER.

The Mudlarks took the kickoff and moved up the field. They crossed midfield and were starting to get their offense going. Then we caught a break. Their receiver slipped and fell down on a timing play, and the only player near the ball was Mike. He easily won the race to the end zone, and, just like that, we had a two-touchdown lead!

There was no more scoring in the first half. We felt good about having the lead, but Chris Taylor pointed out that Crawford was trailing last year and scored on all of their four possessions in the second half to win the championship. I knew that there was no way that our team would fold. I thought about their little tribute to me. I was glad that no one else had noticed it; they didn't do it for attention or to look good to the rest of the school. Rachael promised not to tell anyone else.

We kicked off to start the second half. It was up to the defense now. The Mudlark's QB was really good; fortunately, his receivers couldn't catch a cold. They dropped several easy balls. We began to sense that this could be our day.

We got the ball back and moved slowly up the field. Obviously, we were trying to take as much time off the clock as possible while keeping possession of the ball. We were on their 35, and the coach put Mike in again as a wide receiver. They immediately double-teamed him, and this left our running back wide open. He came out of the backfield and ran out on the opposite side of Mike. Alex faked a pass deep to Mike and then tossed a screen pass to the RB. There was no one near him, and he easily ran in for the score.

The Mudlarks tried to come back, and they did mount a late drive in the fourth quarter, but it stalled inside our 10-yard line. Even if they scored, there was less than two minutes left on the clock. The defense was not about to give up their shutout without a fight. Crawford's last chance to score was a fourth-down play from our 2-yard line. Alex was waving the remnants of my old t-shirt. I looked at it, and that incident seemed like years ago.

Their QB tried to throw a short pass to their tight end, but he was covered and, when he threw to their secondary receiver, Mike intercepted the pass. There was no one near him, and everyone thought he would run it back for a final score. He could have easily run it back for a TD, as the receiver was on the ground, and there wasn't another Mudlark near him, but instead, he took a knee in the end zone. There was no need to rub Crawford's nose in the dirt. The clock showed only thirty seconds left. That show of sportsmanship by Mike was the most impressive thing I had seen him do all year.

Alex led the offense out for one last play, and then the celebration started. It felt great to be jumping around like a total idiot. To this very day, thinking about that victory brings a smile to my face. I can close my eyes and picture us all celebrating that wonderful season.

We headed out to the barn for the party. I admit that being part of the inner circle was really cool. I know that I initially got in because of Cat, but now I was totally accepted.

Alex's parents had the place all decorated in the school's colors. There were red and silver streamers and balloons all over the place. I ran into Mike and Tracey almost immediately. She was still a little uncomfortable around me, but then again, she was pretty shy when she wasn't being a cheerleader. I congratulated Mike on a great season and a great game. I then thanked him for the little tribute.

"I only wish I had hit that bastard harder when I had the chance. Oh! By the way, we are going to place your old torn shirt in the display case with the game ball. It is now part of school history."

"Thanks for the honor. I doubt anyone will know why there is a rag in the display case ten years from now, but I will always remember it."

I thought about how important this season had been to me. Being in the Pit was my weekly therapy, and I would miss it.

I finally got close to Alex and thanked him for what he had done. He smiled and gave me a hug, I winced a little as he grabbed me around the waist, but I didn't say anything. I didn't want everyone to think I was fragile.

Everyone was still in shock, as the victory hadn't really sunk in yet. Yes, there was celebrating, and everyone was happy, but there was also a look of disbelief in many people's eyes. I don't think that the magnitude of our victory sank in until the next day.

There were other parties going on, but we decided to go back to my house instead. We picked up a few pizzas on the way for dinner. We talked about the upcoming Thanksgiving break and where everyone was going. This was the last full week of school. The following week we had only two days of class.

Paul and his family were driving to his grandparents in Harrisburg. Laura and her family were going to Pittsburgh for a big family get-together. Cat and I were staying put, and our families were doing a small dinner together with our moms.

Then Cat looked over at Laura and gave her a look. Laura nodded and then said, "Sure, I'd rather you tell them."

"Laura and I have a little announcement. We have decided to stop seeing each other. We would rather just be good friends right now," explained Cat.

"Neither of us was ready for a long relationship, and we felt it was better to end it now than to lose our friendship too," added Laura.

I got up and hugged both of them. Paul also expressed his support.

After Paul and Laura left, I talked with Cat in private.

"So, how do you feel? It actually feels good to be the one asking that question for a change," I quipped.

Cat smiled. "I'm okay with it. It was very stressful for Laura and her family. I know that our feelings were genuine and not some sort of experiment. I love her, but I'm content to have her as a friend."

"That's cool," I replied. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, I am always here for you. It's the least I can do; after all you've done for me."

"Thanks, Erika, I appreciate it. While we're on the topic, how are you and Paul doing? I've noticed you aren't as romantic. I saw that you didn't kiss him goodbye."

"You should become an investigator; I guess it may have something to do with the attack. I just feel uncomfortable when he gets romantic. I know he can tell that something is wrong. He's very sweet and caring, and I don't want to hurt him. It's not fair! He did nothing wrong, and I am punishing him. I'm wondering if we should split up," I vented.

"I'm not telling you what to do, but it might be wise. You need time to heal. But you can't push away those who love you. I think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe you can work through this, or maybe you'll just stay friends. But if you don't talk, then it will end badly. Both of you deserve better than that."

"How did you become so wise?"

Cat smiled, and we hugged again. After she left, I thought about what she had said. The more I thought about it, I knew she was right. I decided to call Paul in the morning and sit down and talk. I put this down as another casualty of Jason's attack.

The next day I called Paul. He seemed to know exactly why I was calling, even though he didn't say it.

He came over around 1:00, and we sat down in the kitchen. I decided to be straightforward and tell him exactly how I felt. He sat there and listened.

"I'm really sorry. You are very special to me, but I just don't think I can return your affection right now."

"I understand, Erika. I sensed it all this week. I want to do what is good for you. If you just want to be friends, for now, I understand. But this doesn't mean I'm happy about it. When you are ready, I'll be there. I've never seen you as anyone other than a beautiful girl. I am just so angry at that bastard; I could kill him!"

'You'll have to get in line behind me. So, we are still friends?"

"Please! I will always be your friend, even if we don't get back together."

"Thanks. I won't be offended if you want to date other people. There's no reason for both of us to suffer."

"Let's not worry about that for now. Let's just consider this a break of undetermined length. Do you mind if I give you a hug?"

"No, in fact, I really need one - just don't press too hard; my ribs are still sore," I asked, fighting back tears.

He gently took me in his arms and held me. We both knew that this was the right thing to do, but why then did it feel so bad?

He held me for a long time. When we pulled away, I reached for the box of tissues. He sat there in silence.

"I guess I'd better get going. You still want a lift to school tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure, I'm still a California wimp; I don't think I could survive the walk in the cold. Thank you for understanding."

He smiled. "I wouldn't call it understanding, rather accepting."

We walked to the front door, and I watched him drive away. I turned around and saw Mom walking down the stairs.

"So now what?" I asked as I brushed a tear away.

She smiled and came down the stairs and put her arm around me. "Well, honey, I've always found that ice cream works at times like this." She put her arm around my shoulders and led me into the kitchen.