Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 13

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Sunday, I was back at work. I wasn't ready to wait on customers yet; that wouldn't happen for a few more weeks. I was still being trained on all the little things. I learned how to properly wrap up the customers' purchases. This was especially important when we were dealing with such expensive items. I was also taught to be very polite and nice to the customers. I also learned what it was like to be the junior salesgirl with such fun duties like emptying the trash, restacking and refolding clothes, and most importantly, making the coffee run!

Actually, I'm not being fair to Mel and Cindy. They really treated me nicely, and they did their share of drudgework at the store. I figured that there was a bit of them feeling me out and seeing how well I'd fit in. Yes, it is true that they did send me for coffee, but they also bought mine.

I went to the gourmet coffee stand to pick up our order. Cindy ordered a latte, and Mel wanted just normal black coffee. Cindy joked that she wasn't sure that they even sold that anymore. Personally, I couldn't get into the coffee; it was too bitter for me, except when I put in sugar and milk. On the other hand, Cat was really into coffee, and she had tried several times to get me to like it. I stuck with tea. Cat kidded me that it had been easier to get me into dresses than to get me to like coffee.

As I picked up our order, I saw Paul walking by. I waved to him, and he looked at me kind of strangely. Then it hit him who I was.

"Wow! I didn't recognize you, Erika; how is it going?" he asked. "You look great!"

"Better, thanks. I work over there," I answered, pointing to the shop.

"Swanky! That's right, I forgot you'd got a job. My Mom shops there sometimes," he said.

"Well, I have to head back to work," I explained as I checked my watch.

Paul took the cups from me. "Here, let me help you. It would be a shame for you to spill something on that dress." I could see that he was wondering how I could afford it.

"It isn't mine; my boss insists that we dress nicely, and she supplies the clothes," I answered. "And thanks for helping."

We walked back to the store. Paul was a bit hesitant to enter the store.

"Don't worry, they won't make you dress like me. Come on, I want you to meet my co-workers," I quipped.

I introduced him to Cindy and Mel as I gave them their coffee.

"Paul, what did you say your last name was?" asked Cindy.

"It's Brady."

"Is your mother's first name Jackie?" asked Cindy.

"Yes, it is," answered Paul, slightly surprised.

"I've known your mother for years. It is a pleasure to finally meet the son she is always talking about. She thinks the world of you."

Paul seemed slightly surprised and pleased to hear that his Mom thought so highly of him.

"Here, Paul, please give this sales pamphlet to your mother. It's our holiday mailer," added Mel.

Paul thanked them and said goodbye. He looked at me and smiled, and walked out.

"Nice boy," commented Cindy, "His mother has been a regular customer for years."

"Yes, he is nice," I said softly as I watched him walk away.

"Oh," acknowledged Mel, "So, when did you two break up?"

"Is it that obvious?" I replied, watching them both nod yes and then take a sip from their coffee, "We didn't break up; I broke it up. I'm OK with it, but I don't like to see him sad."

"I understand, Erika, you don't need to say anything else," said Cindy, as she put her arm around me.

Mel gave me a look as if she really didn't believe me.

"I don't mind. We're still friends," I answered as I went back to work. Mel was right. I was far from being over it.

"Even though you're 'OK' with it, feel free to talk to me anytime," smiled Mel.

"Thanks," I replied.

As I worked, I thought about Paul. I accepted that my feelings for him had changed. I knew that we would never be more than friends. There was a feeling of concern for him. I felt terrible for hurting him, but I knew that I had done the right thing.

Cindy drove me home again. She asked how I liked working at the store.

"It's much harder than I thought. Mrs. Lincoln has such high standards," I explained.

"That's true, but you will learn a lot from her," added Cindy. "So, anything else on your mind?"

We were stopped at a light. I looked over at her and could see her smiling.

"How long does it take for the fear to go away?" I asked

"To be honest, I don't think it ever does. You just learn to control it," she answered. The light changed, and we continued down the road.

I nodded. "Oh. I've talked to Jenny and the DA about how difficult testifying will be; they make it sound pretty bad."

"It won't be fun. But when I look back, it was one of the days that I'm most proud about!" Cindy exclaimed

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry," I apologized.

"Don't worry, Erika, you're not prying," she replied. "I just want to help you when I can."

"Thank you."

When I got in, I found that Cat and Terri were in the kitchen with Mom.

"So, here's the newest salesgirl at the most stylish boutique in town," announced Terri.

I sat down and joined them. I kicked off my shoes and began to rub my feet. "I spent the last five hours in heels, and my feet are killing me."

All three of them just stared at me.

"I guess I'm not going to get any sympathy here." I smiled

"None at all," replied Terri. "During college, I had to wear a very skimpy outfit at the restaurant I worked at. The money was good, but I felt like I was almost naked."

"I know what you mean. I had a similar job back in San Diego," added Mom.

I was shocked by Mom's confession. "Really? You never told me about that one!"

Mom gave me "The Look." "The Look" was used whenever Mom didn't want to discuss something. I knew that there were some things in her past that she didn't want to share.

"I'll tell you about it when you are older," joked Mom.

"How much older?" I asked with a smile

Mom laughed. "When you're fifty!"

During dinner, we discussed Thanksgiving. Terri agreed to have it at her house, as she loved cooking. She also told us that she'd invited her sister's family to join us. That was fine with Cat and me because that meant Alex would becoming. Cat was close to Alex and had always seen him as her big brother. I liked him a lot too. He'd really made my adjustment to school a lot easier.

I told Cat about meeting Paul when I was at work. I also told her about my present feelings toward him.

"You know, I think I know a solution to this problem," announced Cat.

"Well? What is it, oh wise one?" I asked.

Cat just smiled at me, "I'll tell you tomorrow."

It was 6:00AM on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I was up early, having a cup of tea in my PJs at the kitchen table and reading the morning paper. Actually, I was doing more thinking than reading. I had been stuck on the same article for the past twenty minutes. It had been a restless night, and I had a lot of things on my mind.

First, there was Thanksgiving. Actually, that was a good memory. It was my first big holiday since we'd moved to Golden Hill and my first since I had become Erika. We'd had dinner with Cat and Terri. They had become our family since we moved here, and in some ways, they were closer than some of my real relatives.

Terri put together a great dinner. We assisted, but she did most of the work, which was fine with Mom and me. It was also nice to socialize with Alex and his family. Alex had been swamped since we'd won the championship. Over twenty colleges and universities were recruiting him. He told us that all the attention was getting kind of old and that he had narrowed his choice down to a couple of schools.

Alex's parents were really cool. They told him that they would support his selection. However, they wanted him to consider academics as well as athletics in his final decision. Personally, I had no doubt that Alex would succeed in both areas. I also got to meet Alex's younger brother, Nick, who was a junior.

Alex's father also recommended a lawyer to Mom, just in case we decided to file a civil suit against Jason and his family. I appreciated his thoughts, but I didn't want any money out of this. The only thing I wanted was justice.

The second thing on my mind was Paul. I still felt guilty about breaking up with him. Cat claimed to be working on something that might make me feel better about it, but so far, she had kept it to herself.

But really, the thing that had me up so early was that I was going to my first group therapy meeting today. I checked my watch and saw that I needed to get into the shower soon. The session started at 8:00, and I'd have to make a stop along the way to pick up some muffins.

I walked towards the stairs and hesitated by the front door for a second, but I didn't check the lock. I hoped that I was getting over that obsession. I went upstairs and showered and afterward did my daily examination of my face. It had been a few weeks since the assault, and I was almost looking normal. The bruises had faded and weren't too noticeable anymore. My scar above my right eye still looked terrible, but I was told it would take time to heal. Then there was my nose. It was now a little crooked, but it didn't seem to bother my breathing. Mom had told me that I could get it fixed if I wanted to.

My ribs didn't hurt anymore. Alex told me I was lucky that they hadn't been broken. He told me that he'd broken two ribs in junior high and that it had hurt to breathe for months. I think that the only reason that they weren't broken was that they were injured during the initial tackle. It wasn't an intentional injury like everything else Jason did to me. If he had thought of it, I'm sure that they would have been broken.

After putting on my panties and bra, I debated on what to wear. It was early, so I went with the casual look. It was also cold and cloudy outside, so warmth was a major consideration. It wasn't even winter yet, and I hated it already. I selected a sweater and slipped it on. I then put on a little bit of makeup. Thankfully, I had very little facial or body hair, so I rarely had to shave. I knew that, even after I started hormones, I'd have to get some electrolysis. I wasn't looking forward to that.

I slipped on a pair of socks and some loafers. I inspected myself in the mirror. Not bad, I thought, although my hair would need a touchup soon. I made a note in my planner to call the salon.

I could hear Mom stirring as I left my room. I knocked on her door and asked her if she wanted me to fix her a mug of tea. I heard a groan that sounded like a yes, and walked downstairs and put the kettle on again.

Mom came down a few minutes later. "Good morning, honey. Did you sleep well last night?"

"Great, I just got up a little while ago; thanks for asking," I replied. It was a lie, I had been awake since 3:00, and I had got out of bed around 5:00. "How about you?"

"Good, thanks," she answered. "Funny thing, I thought I heard someone up a little after 5:00; it must have been the wind."

I looked over and smiled. I never get one by her.

We drove together to the college. I picked up a dozen muffins at a little donut shop near campus.

"If they get hostile, I'll just throw the box one way and run the other," I quipped.

We parked right outside campus. I could see that the building where the meeting was held was right across the street. Mom saw a coffeehouse up the block and told me to meet her there.

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was time. I crossed the street with the box of muffins and entered the building. I checked Karen's instructions and found the room. I stood outside for a second, took a deep breath, and entered.

The room itself was unremarkable. There was a large table in the middle of the room with chairs arranged around it. There were several women standing around talking. Some stared at me as I walked in. I didn't get an instant feeling that I was welcome!

A tall woman with dark brown hair walked towards me smiling, "You must be Erika. I knew you immediately by the pink box you're carrying. Here, let me take that from you," she greeted me, as she took the box of muffins from me and set them on the table.

"Yes, I'm Erika, are you Karen?" I asked.

"That's me," she stated. "I'm really glad you showed up. Many first-timers get cold feet. We're about to get started. Don't worry, Erika, you'll be OK."

I nodded and sat down next to her. From the looks I was getting, I wasn't sure how well I was going to be received. As I looked around the room, I saw eight women sitting around the table. I got looks ranging from indifference to anger and a few that wouldn't even look my way.

"Good morning, everyone," announced Karen, acting as if nothing was wrong. "As I told you all last week, we have a new member of our group. I expect all of you to give Erika a warm welcome."

The room was filled with silence. Not exactly a warm welcome.

Karen was suddenly interrupted by a woman at the end of the table. "Excuse me, Karen, but I think I speak for the group when I say that we really don't think that this person should be allowed here. As you told us, this person isn't a real female and therefore can have no idea of what we have gone through. I know that you mean well, but there has to be a more appropriate group for him," she grumbled as she pointed at me.

The look she gave me was full of anger, and I started to get up to walk out when I felt Karen's hand on my shoulder gently pushing me back down into my seat. I glanced up at Karen and saw that she was smiling back at me. I knew that at least one person was on my side.

"Does Dana speak for all of you?" asked Karen.

I watched as each woman nodded in agreement. Many wouldn't make eye contact with Karen.

Another woman glared at me and then turned to Karen. "You promised that no men would be allowed in these meetings!"

"I'm not a man," I stated.

Dana looked at me and rolled her eyes. "I don't wish to be insulting, but it is a risk that someone like that takes when they go out in the world. I admit that HE does pass well as a girl, and because of that, he does share some of the blame for what happened."

For the first time since I'd survived the attack, I felt really scared. If this group of women saw me as causing the assault, then what chance would I have with a jury?

"I did nothing wrong," I interrupted. My voice was soft at first but was becoming stronger and more filled with confidence. "The person who abducted beat, and violated me knew my status and took great joy in injuring me. I think you'd like him, as you seem to have a lot in common with him. He liked humiliating me too."

Screw them, I thought! If I was going to get kicked out, then I was at least going to have my say.

Dana turned and glared at me. "How dare you speak to us that way! You have no idea of what we have been through! You're a male in drag! It's totally different for you," she yelled. "You may have been assaulted, but it wasn't rape!"

"The DA is calling it rape!" I angrily yelled back.

Karen interrupted and stood up. "Fine. If you feel that way about Erika, then I will ask her to leave. However, I want you all to at least listen to what she has to say first. Go ahead, Erika, tell them your story."

I looked up at her and could see that she was smiling at me and nodding gently. She had her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I looked around the room, took a sip of water, and then started to tell them about my assault. I started with the background and events leading up to the attack. Then I went into the attack. I closed my eyes and pictured what had happened as I told it. I found that I just wasn't telling the story; I was reliving it. I included every detail: the abduction, the rape, the beatings, the humiliation, and the fear. I spared nothing and did not soften the details. I wanted them to hear everything that Jason had done to me, and I wanted them to feel my pain.

When I finished, I bowed my head. I didn't want to make eye contact with them as I was also fighting back tears. I didn't want to appear weak to them. I hoped that they would just let me get up and walk out of there without any further insults.

I sat there for a moment. The room was totally silent. I guessed that I had put them all to sleep. Karen's voice broke the silence.

"Are you finished, dear?" she asked me in a low soothing voice.

I nodded yes. "Karen, thank you for letting me talk. I won't bother you all anymore." I started to get up to walk out.

"Wait. Excuse me, Erika, but I'd really like you to stay. I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I was totally out of line. I directed the anger I feel towards my attacker to you. That was stupid. I'm sorry, please stay," apologized Dana. She got out of her chair and walked over, and wrapped her arms around me. Most of the group followed suit, although a few sat in their seats and looked away from me. Naturally, I broke down and started crying.

Karen asked me to stay for a few minutes after the meeting. I was totally drained, but I felt pretty good. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red from crying, and my makeup looked awful.

"I'm sorry for their initial reaction to you, but you handled yourself very well," she explained. "The way you described the assault is the way you should do it when you testify."

I wiped my eyes with a tissue. "I guess that I've been too sheltered the past few months. I forgot how most people view transgender. I wonder if the jury will be understanding or see me as some sort of perverted freak who 'got what they deserved."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Erika; it won't be easy. There are a lot of closed-minded people out there. But many of them are just uneducated, which is a lot different from being totally ignorant. Keep in mind that you swayed a whole room of hostile women over to your side this morning by just being yourself," she explained.

"Not everyone was swayed," I stated, referring to the two women who refused to acknowledge me.

"True, but the rest are on your side," answered Karen.

"So, will I be welcome back next week?" I asked meekly.

"Absolutely, Erika. Now, do you need a ride home?" she asked.

"No, thank you. My Mom is waiting for me at the coffeehouse down the block. I just need to go clean up first," I replied as I wiped my eyes.

"I'll wait for you. I'd like to meet your mother if you don't mind," she added.

I washed my face and reapplied my makeup. My eyes were still a bit red, but there was nothing I could do about that.

We walked over to the coffeehouse, and I introduced Karen to Mom. They hit it off right away. I desperately needed something really sweet and left them to talk. I picked out a raspberry Danish and ordered a medium hot chocolate. As I waited for my order, I looked around the room. There were individuals studying or reading, and there were groups involved in heated discussions. I glanced over at the bulletin board and saw the variety of notices and ads. It was so exotic compared to high school. I suddenly got a new shot of adrenalin that refreshed my desire to win the scholarship and go to college.

On the drive home, I told Mom about the meeting.

"Karen told me how well you handled yourself. I'm very proud of you," Mom announced.

"I'm very proud of you too, Mom. I can't even begin to thank you for all you've done for me the past few weeks," I replied

Mom smiled at me. "You just did, honey."

When we got home, I called Cat. I knew she would want to hear a complete report. She invited me over to her house. We grabbed a couple of sodas and headed up to her room.

I told her everything that had happened. She shared my concern about the attitudes of the people towards my being transgender.

"It's something that you are going to have to deal with the rest of your life. There are a lot of people out there who disapprove of what you are doing. Gender is just something that most people take for granted. When someone like you comes around and challenges their beliefs, it can hard to accept. Most will be indifferent, but there will be those who will take great joy in hurting you. I also agree with what you said about being sheltered. Our school and this community are the exceptions, and it took us many years to get that way," explained Cat.

"I don't expect everyone to accept me; I just want to live my life in peace. Maybe I jumped into this too quickly, but once things started, I just sort of rode it. I know that I've made mistakes and reacted instead of thinking things through. Am I rambling yet, or am I still making sense?" I asked. I then took a long drink from my soda.

"Borderline rambling, but I understand what you are trying to say," replied Cat with a smile. "Would one of those regrets be Paul?"

I smiled back. "You'd better become a cop; it would be a shame to waste your talent for reading minds."

"It wasn't that hard, Erika," she replied.

"Oh, that makes me feel even better! Yes, I know now that I got way too involved with Paul, and it all happened too fast. I was so caught up with everything that was going on with Homecoming and with my emerging feelings that I was in a relationship with him before I knew it. I feel really guilty about hurting him."

"What were your feelings about him?" asked Cat.

"I'm not really sure. I never really felt attracted to guys before the competition. Then I met someone who saw me as a girl and wanted me to be his girlfriend. At first, being with him felt good, but even before the assault, I was having doubts. Mom had a talk with me about sex, and I began to wonder," I answered, taking another sip of my soda.

"Well, I saw you two together, and there was attraction; you can't deny that. I think what you are going through is very normal. You were raised as a boy, and now, thanks to the contest, you have discovered your true self. As you adapt and adjust to becoming female, you're going to have conflicts and self-doubts. I wouldn't worry about your sexuality right now. You may be bisexual, or you may like guys, or - who knows? - you might turn out to be a lesbian," explained Cat, with a smile.

"I guess you do have a personal insight into this after all," I said.

Cat punched me in the arm.

"While we are on the topic of dating and Paul, I need your help," asked Cat, "I think I found the right person for Paul. I talked to her about my idea, and she is all for it!"

"OK, so who are you talking about?" I asked. I knew that I was truly over him, but I really didn't like to see him sad.

"Caroline," she smiled. "It makes perfect sense. They obviously like each other a lot. I just don't think Paul knows it yet."

Cat was right. Caroline and Paul would make a great couple. Their chemistry was evident to everyone, except Paul!

"Now, this is what I have planned. Paul and Laura are meeting us this evening for pizza. Caroline will arrive with us. Laura is going to let Paul drive; she told him her car is acting up. When it comes time to leave, we'll suggest that Caroline ride with Paul and that we give Laura a ride home. Then it's up to Mother Nature. What do you think?" asked Cat.

"And you got this plan from which sitcom?" I joked.

"OK, it's a bit lame, but I think it will work," Cat stated confidently.

"I hope it does; it would be one less issue in my life."

I went home to grab a nap and agreed to meet Cat and Caroline at 5:00PM.

My best friend Cat has many virtues: she is intelligent, insightful, funny, and very thoughtful. She is, however, a lousy matchmaker. If I had to grade Cat on her plan to fix Paul and Caroline up, I would have to give her a C for planning and an F for execution. But since everything worked out, she does get a passing grade, but hopefully, she'll never attempt it again.

I would like to be able to put everything down in detail as a chapter in my saga, but to this day, I can't quite find the correct words to describe what happened. I tried to get everyone else's input, but that wasn't a big help. After talking to everyone involved, I am not even sure we were in the same restaurant. So, to avoid reopening old wounds and arguments, I give you the condensed version of Cat's matchmaking.

Basically, the plan began to fall apart as soon as we arrived. I'm not sure, but I think that Paul thought I was going with Caroline. It was all downhill from there. Then there were words spoken, even angrier words, insults, and a lot of crying. We also came close to being kicked out of Guido's.

Fortunately, everything worked out in the end. Everyone made up, and the insults and accusations were withdrawn and forgotten about. I wasn't much help as I was crying my eyes out. Laura was the voice of reason and helped smooth many of the hurt feelings. Caroline and Paul left together and seemed to be hitting it off. We weren't even banished from the restaurant. We told them that we were rehearsing for a play! Laura and I were able to make Cat promise to never try this sort of thing again. Neither of us really believes she won't, though.

Snow is highly overrated. Yes, it is beautiful, and I suppose it can be fun to play in, but when you have to wear a skirt and are just trying to get to school or work, it is awful. On the plus side, my personal discomfort was providing all sorts of entertainment for my friends. Even with the relaxed dress code, I still had to wear skirts or dresses twice a week, and it was miserable.

I was kept busy between work and school, and it suited me fine. I did see Caroline and Paul walking down the hall holding hands. That made me very happy. I made a point of telling them how good they looked together. I didn't want to lose them as friends.