Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 16

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I won't go into Christmas other than to say that we all had a wonderful time. I'd rather focus on New Year's Eve and the party at Kristen's. I probably should have devoted more time earlier describing Kristen Carr. She was the head cheerleader and probably the most popular girl in school. Additionally, she was dating the star quarterback. She's blonde, beautiful, friendly, and intelligent. This combination could be very dangerous in most other people; the potential to be a totally stuck-up, conceited bitch was very high. However, Kristen is a genuinely nice person. She was friendly and social with most students on campus, and I am proud to consider her one of my closest friends.

While we didn't socialize a lot, we'd become great friends due to our conflicting schedules. She sat next to me in Ecology, and we'd ended up as lab partners. We did a big project together on endangered species. We put together a PowerPoint presentation. We focused on captive breeding programs in the US. It was a big success. The class especially liked the list of websites that had live webcams showing mothers and their young. We'd got lucky as the San Diego Zoo had a webcam on their new baby chimpanzee and her mom. We ended up with the top grade in the class.

When I was elected to the Homecoming court, I'd been a bit worried that Kristen might be upset with me being on the court. I couldn't have been more wrong. I later found out that she had campaigned for me to be on her court and had told a few irate parents that she would boycott Homecoming if I were excluded.

She didn't even mind the fact that her boyfriend was protective of me. In fact, she encouraged him to do so. Then, of course, she was one of the group leaders that created the banner for me. I know that today some people question if she is really that nice. I can testify that it isn't just hyped from a PR man.

Kristen was also really cool about the incident with her brother Cliff. He'd felt even worse once he found out that I was a friend of his sister's. She told me that she thought it was really funny that I had given him a bloody nose.

Anyway, the big New Year's Eve party would be at her family's house. Alex suggested that they could hold it in the barn, but the lack of heat-killed that idea. Kristen also wanted it to be a dress-up party. She wanted a classy event that we would remember the rest of our lives, not a drunken party.

Cat, Laura, and I decided to go all out for the party. We made an appointment at the salon to get our hair and nails done on Dec. 30th. Laura was a bit wary at going to a different place, but Cat convinced her it would be okay. As we had our nails done, she commented on how nice this place was.

"They are much better than the place I've been going to. Why didn't you tell me about this place earlier?" she asked.

"We did!" replied Cat and I in unison.

On our way out, Laura noticed my photo in their gallery, "Well! I didn't know I was in the presence of a celebrity!" she said with a laugh.

On the evening of the party, we all met at Laura's house. She insisted on doing our makeup. Cat was a little apprehensive about it. She didn't care for the overdone look she had seen in the pictures from the night we went to the club. But Laura promised to tone it down a notch. She did a great job on both of us, and while she finished her own makeup, Cat and I changed.

When Mrs. Lincoln had heard me talking about the party, she'd insisted that she provide me with a dress. She loaned me a very beautiful and very expensive black, sleeveless dress. I was initially afraid to even try it on, but she insisted. Cindy had told me that Mrs. Lincoln saw her employees as the daughters she'd never had, so it was pointless to argue with her. I had to admit that I really loved the way I looked in the dress.

I hadn't shown it to Cat and Laura, as I wanted to surprise them. They both looked stunned and slightly envious when they first saw me in it. Mom had helped me pick out my jewelry and shoes. I was wearing four-inch heels and had a simple gold chain around my neck and small gold hoop earrings.

Cat smiled at my appearance. "Erika, I can't believe how great you look."

I looked over at Laura, and she was just staring at me.

"Well?" I replied as I posed for Laura.

"You look good enough to eat," quipped Laura.

"Save it for later, you two. Don't make me have to hose you both down!" joked Cat.

Both Cat and Laura looked great. Cat was also in black, while Laura was dressed in red. We had a lot of fun posing for photos taken by Laura's mom.

We arrived at Kristen's house a little after 9:30. The party was just getting started. Kristen was very pleased to see us, and she gave us a quick tour. Her family had a beautiful home.

I looked around the party and saw many of the crowd from the football parties. I was happy to see that Mike and Tracey were there as well as Paul and Caroline. Caroline and I were the only two contestants at the party. That really wasn't a surprise as the others ran in different social circles. I was happy to run into Rachael. She joked that I looked better in a dress than she did. I was pleased to see that she was dating Chris Taylor. They had started as training partners during their respective seasons, and it had just kind of developed into romance.

The party was spread out over the house. The downstairs family room had been cleared for dancing. In the dining room, a vast buffet was set up. The living room was the place for talking. We made the rounds to see who was there. When we reached the family room, Laura insisted on the two of us dancing. I was getting better but was still far from graceful. Laura told me what was important was that I was at least trying to dance.

We ended up dancing with other people, including Cat. I even danced once with Paul. After dancing a while, I needed a break, and I headed upstairs. I was getting something cold to drink when Kristen's mom came up to me. We had met once at one of the football parties.

"You're Erika, aren't you?" she asked.

"Yes, I am, Mrs. Carr."

"That's a lovely dress. May I ask where you bought it?" she asked.

I explained to her that it was from the shop where I worked and that it had been loaned to me.

"So, how's everything else going?" she asked. "We were so shocked to hear what that beast did to you."

"I'm doing better; the trial will start in early February. I'll be glad when it's over," I replied. I really didn't mind her questions.

"I just want you to know that the community is behind you 100%. If you need anything, let us know. We have a lot of pull in this town," she bragged.

"Thank you, I appreciate your concern," I replied honestly.

"Also, let me know if Cliff does anything stupid. Sometimes I'm not sure he has any common sense whatsoever," she quipped with a smile.

"Actually, he has been really nice to me, and he even stayed with me while I was waiting for my ride home," I replied in Cliff's defense.

She smiled, pleased that he had redeemed himself. "It was nice talking to you, Erika. I'll let you get back to your friends."

"Thank you, Mrs. Carr." I turned around and saw Cat and Laura coming upstairs.

"Come on, Erika, it's almost time for the ball to come down!" announced Cat.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:45. Kristen was getting everyone into the living room. Mrs. Carr came in with a tray of champagne glasses. There was some oohing and aahing from the guys.

"Don't get too excited; it's just sparkling grape juice," explained Kristen.

So, everyone had a glass while waiting for the ball to fall and signal the new year. I thought about everything that had happened to me that year, and it barely seemed real. I almost got lost in my thoughts but was snapped back to reality by Laura, who had wrapped her arm around my waist.

"Ready to bring in the New Year?" she asked.

I smiled back, "Absolutely! Oh. I just remembered, here take these coins, it's supposed to be good luck to be holding money at midnight on New Year's," I said as I handed her and Cat some coins from my purse.

"Do you really believe that?" asked Laura as she looked at the coin.

"I see no reason to take any chances!" I replied.

We watched as the clock ticked down. Everyone counted down the last few seconds, " Five... Four... Three... Two... One!" Then everyone yelled, "Happy New Year!"

We toasted with the grape juice, and everyone began hugging and kissing. Laura pulled me close, and we embraced. She looked at me, and then we kissed. It was long and very sensual. I was feeling tingles all over my body. Fortunately, we stopped before we went too far.

"Happy New Year, sweetie," she whispered in my ear.

We hung out at the party for a few more hours. Yes, I know that it may have sounded a bit tame, but at least everyone made it home in one piece. I know there were other parties in town that had lots of drinking and other things. But I figured that my life was complicated enough. I also wanted to stay out of trouble. The last thing I wanted to do was to give Jason any ammunition for the trial.

Cat asked me if I wanted her to see about getting a ride home so Laura and I could be alone. I thanked her for the option, but I really wasn't ready to go any farther with Laura. I found it ironic that I was dating one of the prettiest girls on campus, and I was the one taking it slowly. I wasn't sure of the reason for my apprehension. Maybe there was some residual effect from the attack, or perhaps I wasn't totally comfortable with my new gender/sex role. Fortunately, Laura was very understanding.

"Look, we agreed to take this slow, and I'm willing to wait," explained Laura, "But I must admit that it is very difficult to hold back looking at you in that dress."

I smiled and leaned over and kissed her, "Thank you, I really love you."

There was a sudden exodus, and soon we were the last group there. So we decided to help Kristen clean up. The only other people still there beside us were Alex, Mike, and Tracey.

Mrs. Carr felt we got to the worst of it and told us that they would get the rest later. We ended up sitting in the living room talking. It was just starting to sink in that we would be going our separate ways in less than six months. Even though I had only known these people for less than a year, I felt very close to all of them. I think everyone picked up on the significance of the moment and that everything would soon be different. There was a desire to hold on to this feeling forever.

Mrs. Carr, sensing what was going on, had us all get together for a group shot. She told us that she would get us all copies.

"This is the kind of photo that you will hold onto for the rest of your lives," she explained.

She was right. I had my copy framed, and I still get a smile whenever I look at it.

As fun as the party was, it also marked the end of our break. It was time to get back into the routine of going to school again. I looked over my planner and saw how my week shaped up. First, I was still working four days a week. Then there was group therapy on Saturdays and my separate sessions with Jenny every other Tuesday. The latest thing added to my schedule was my running.

Coach Chambers wanted me to be on the track team in the spring, and I had been slacking off in my running. I'd stopped after the attack, and I kept finding excuses not to start again. I had no desire to run outside. I was getting more used to the cold but still didn't want to run outside. So I decided to join the local fitness center. It was located in the mall, so I got an employee discount. They had machines, but I preferred to use their track, even if it meant running lots and lots of laps. The good thing about the running was that it gave me time to work off my growing anxiety about the trial.

Actually, I wasn't sure how much help I would be to the track team. I was a long-distance runner, and the longest event for girls was only the 3K. Coach asked me if I was interested in trying the pole vault, as they only had one girl presently on the team who competed in that event. She said that she had a friend who could coach me. I said that I would give it a try, but I doubted that I would be a big help. Coach told me that she mainly wanted me around on the team because I was a good teammate.

So, between school, work and training, I didn't have a lot of free time. This suited me fine. I still had a social life, and there was also my budding romance with Laura. I thought that staying busy was the best way to cope with everything that had happened and with the trial. After all, I had been making significant advances in the past few weeks, so I thought that the worst was behind me.

To be honest, the competition had become secondary. It was still very important to me, but it all was looking so easy as I was moving towards transition. The meetings and the upcoming tasks were merely small hurdles. I also stopped looking at the display case. Looking back, I was pretty arrogant about it all.

The first day back, we had a meeting with Ms. B. The first thing that everyone noticed was that we were down to ten contestants. Of course, Caroline was back, as were Denise, Ann, Debbie, Claire, and Lisa. I'll go into the other three later. Caroline figured that Denise would stick it out to the end too. She just liked her female persona, and she treated it as if it was just another phase of life. That was fine with me. I liked her a lot, and I found her attitude very refreshing.

Ms. B was pleased to see as many of us back. She told us that we're now guaranteed a minimum $1000.00 scholarship regardless of how much longer we lasted. It was our reward for making it through the holidays. This naturally caught us all off guard. This was a drop in the bucket for a major school, but it would cover many of the costs for community college.

"Now, if you are all done celebrating, I have a date for you to write down. The first weekend in April, you will all be models for a fashion show to be held at the Chamber of Commerce Luncheon. There will be a practice session on Saturday, and the actual show will be on Sunday," she announced.

There was stunned silence in the room. I thought this sounded like fun, but as I looked around the room at the faces of some of the other contestants, I figured we'd be down to single digits by tomorrow.

"There will be additional information on the show as we get closer. First, however, I want to let you all know that this group always gives a scholarship to at least one model every year," continued Ms. B.

After the meeting, she asked me to stay behind. She looked concerned.

"Is there something wrong, Ms. B?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. How are you holding up?" she asked.

"I feel great. Why do you think something is wrong?"

"Well, some of your friends are a bit worried. They think you may be trying to do too much," she explained.

"I'm okay. It was true. I felt great. I appreciate their concern but, to be honest, I haven't felt this good in a long time," I replied.

By the look on her face, I don't think I convinced Ms. B. "If you need help, please come see me."

"I promise," I replied. I felt pleased knowing my friends cared about me.

The following weekend I had my first practice cross-examination. Mom drove me over to the college and dropped me off. Karen and Jenny brought in a retired lawyer to act as the defense attorney. He was an older man, medium build, very distinguished-looking, with gray hair and piercing blue eyes. He was wearing a tailored three-piece suit. They set up the classroom to simulate the courtroom and told me to pretend that this was the real thing.

I thought that it wouldn't be that bad, but I was wrong; it was brutal. His questioning was fast-paced, and I barely had time to think. He became impatient and raised his voice when he addressed me. He also used sarcasm when referring to my name and gender. I was suckered into losing my temper in less than ten minutes. My anger grew, and I began to lose control as he hit me with question after question, and soon I was confused and rambling. Still, he didn't stop it. After twenty minutes, I could barely remember my name. By the 30-minute point, I was a total wreck. I was almost ready to start crying. That is when they stopped.

Jenny took me outside and got me calmed down and relaxed. Then, after twenty minutes, she brought me back in. Sitting at the table where Karen and the lawyer.

"Erika, let me introduce you to your tormenter, Mr. Robert Hancock," stated Karen.

"It is good to meet you, Erika," he greeted. He was now smiling, and it caught me a bit off guard.

I sat down at the table. "Nice to meet you too," I answered rather flatly.

"I can understand your feelings. But if it makes you feel better, you lasted longer than I expected," he added with a smile.

He went on to tell me that he had been a prosecuting attorney and then a judge for nearly twenty-five years. Since retirement, he had become a volunteer expert, and he specialized in helping victims prepare for cross-examination, and he specialized in "high profile" cases.

"So you consider my case to be 'high profile?'" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid so. Knowing Martin Turner, he will try to make this into a circus to distract from his weak case. Jenny told me that you are an athlete. Good! I want you to consider what we are doing here as training to get you ready for a big event."

For the next hour, he told me how to conduct myself while on the stand. I was told to dress conservatively and to be well-groomed. He told me to make eye contact with the jury. I should answer questions with sincere, positive, definite answers. He said that Turner would try to give me yes or no questions, but it was okay to explain to the Judge that the answer couldn't be given in a one-word response.

Next, he told me to watch my temper and avoid getting into an argument with him. If the Judge interrupted, he would stop speaking. He said that Sam would protect me as much as possible and that I should have faith in him.

He gave me a wealth of information. But knowing what to do and actually doing it was different.

"Look, as long as you stay cool and tell the truth, you will be fine. Don't ever lie - any lie, no matter how small. Martin will pick up on it, and he will use it against you. By the time you testify, you will be ready," explained Robert. "So, same time next week?"

I nodded yes.

With that, he walked out. I knew he was there to help me, but I couldn't help feel agitated at what he'd put me through.

"Are you still angry at him?" asked Jenny with a smile.

"Be honest, Erika," added Karen.

"Okay, I am still a little angry at him," I answered. However, I did manage to crack a smile.

"Good! Then he is doing his job. Remember that Martin may act friendly too, but he isn't your friend either," explained Jenny. "Robert is one of the best at his job. He does this strictly as a volunteer, and he has helped us many times. Think about what he said to you and read this booklet."

She handed me a small booklet titled "Sexual Assault Victims Judicial Guide."

"Forget the formal-sounding title; that book is full of information that will help you get through this," added Karen.

"I'll read it. I know that he means well, and I will do what he says," I answered. I thought about his comments about treating this like an athletic competition. The main difference was that there was no prize for second place.

The weeks leading up to the trial were surprisingly normal - actually, above normal! I was excelling in school and work. Laura and I were moving along slowly. I was worried a little that she would get fed up with the way I was inching into our relationship. I talked to Cat about it, and she told me not to worry about that.

My practice sessions with Mr. Hancock were proceeding along nicely. He was still very hard on me, but he felt that I would be ready by the time the trial started. I was still hoping that Jason would just plead guilty and end it there. But part of me really wanted to testify; it was as if I needed to tell what happened publicly. I was expecting to be more stressed out, but the closer we got to the trial, the better I felt. I was feeling very much at peace with myself as I counted down the days until the trial started. Looking back, I view this time as the calm before the storm.

Well, the big day finally arrived, and the trial began. As expected, there was some media interest in the trial. Thankfully, the Judge had decided not to allow cameras in the courtroom and had turned down a request to have the case televised. The press was warned to respect the privacy of all involved and reminded that I was a minor. I think the fear of a public backlash for exploiting a victim of a violent crime kept many away from the story.

I had intended to avoid reading the paper or watching TV coverage of the trial, but my curiosity got the better of me. I think what bothered me most was the way I was described and the use of gender. The local paper was very cool and always used the correct pronouns, but they were the exception. Mom said that it was due more to ignorance than any intended prejudice. I wasn't so sure.

There were several requests for interviews. Mom turned them all down. That was the last thing I needed right now. I also later found out that she'd had Terri screen our mail during the trial. Me being transgender brought out a fair share of hateful people. Fortunately, I never saw the letters. I only found out about them later on. Cat told me that they were pretty vile. She said that they ranged from homophobes to religious nuts. Thankfully, they soon tired of this activity.

Mrs. Lee had worked out a program that would allow me to keep up with my classes. Fortunately, thanks to my transfer credits from San Diego, I had a very easy schedule for the second semester. My schedule was Child Development, Law & Enforcement (an elective taught by Mr. Kline), Photography, PE, American Literature, and I was a Teaching Assistant in US History for Mr. Kline. Still, I would be missing a lot of classes, so I had a lot of homework.

Mrs. Lincoln had taken me off the schedule until the trial was over; she did, however, continue to pay me. Mom's company was also very understanding and told her she could take off the time as necessary. Therefore, I cannot find any fault with the way the town treated us during the trial.

I was nervous as we waited for the Judge to enter the courtroom. Jason was sitting with Martin Turner. He was dressed in a nice suit and looked like he was going to church. He had short hair and was clean-shaven. They made him look so nice and normal as if he was incapable of committing any crime. I wrote down much of what I saw in a small notebook for my future lecture.

Martin Turner had won one small battle. The facts of Jason's previous attack on me wouldn't be allowed to be discussed in the trial. He argued that it was prejudicial to Jason. The Judge would allow it in the penalty phase.

I took a deep breath and tried to act calm. Then, I felt Mom's hand on my shoulder. I looked over and felt a little better.

The Judge entered the court, and the trial started. By listening to the opening statements, you might have thought you were listening to two completely different cases.

The DA told the court about a violent crime of abduction, assault, and sexual assault. He stated that the evidence would prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. He took several hours to lay out the case.

After lunch, Martin Turner gave the defense's opening statement. He told the jury that this wasn't a case of sexual assault but a case of deception and the overreaction of a shocked young man. He stated that the sex was consensual and that due to my deception, Jason was the actual victim in the case. I was prepared for this, and I wasn't that bothered. It was how he kept referring to me as "he" and as "Eric" that was annoying. It was as if Erika didn't exist, so, therefore, there was no crime.

After he finished, the Judge let us go for the day. Sam Warren had decided to give the physical evidence first and then use me as his last witness. He told me that I could expect to be taking the stand in four or five days.

That pretty much wrapped up the first day. I felt really tired as we drove home, almost to the point of exhaustion. I put it off due to being so keyed up about the trial. I slept very poorly that night. I woke up often during the night. I thought about the trial and everything that could go wrong. I cursed Jason for causing so much pain in my life.