Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 18

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My one week off turned into nearly to spent at home. I didn't complain, as I knew that it was the right thing to do. Jenny and Mom agreed that I would not rush my return to school. Maybe if I had taken more time off after the initial assault, I wouldn't have had my collapse in the first place. Hindsight is a perfect science. I can tolerate physical injury, but the mental aspect of this latest setback really frightened me. I also felt guilty, as I thought that I was weak and that I let everyone, including myself, down.

Jenny was quick to attack those ideas. One afternoon she sat down with me and told me about many people, including historical figures, who'd had similar problems and that they overcame them. Still, it would be a long time until I fully accepted and understood what had happened, but at least now I was aware that I had limits and that I wasn't the first to suffer.

As we talked about what had happened, she was able to point out the warning signals that my body had been telling me. My fatigue and sleep problems were my body trying to warn me to take it slower. I'd also ignored the fact that I was having more frequent nightmares. I learned that I was human.

"How was I able to do so well on the stand those two days? I felt so strong, so confidant; it doesn't make sense. If was going to 'lose it,' why didn't it happen then?" I vented.

"I think that you forced yourself through the testimony. And as for you feeling so strong then, have you ever noticed that a light bulb burns brightest just before it burns out? I think that's a good analogy to describe what happened to you," replied Jenny.

I was also worried that this incident would have a negative effect on my transition. Jenny reassured me that it wouldn't. She told me that I just needed to be aware of stress in my life, regardless of the cause.

Now, I don't want you to think that I was cloistered at home alone. I had my homework assignments, so I wouldn't lose too much ground in my classes. Cat and Laura stopped by every day and kept me up-to-date on school and life in general. They also served to ease my fears about how I was viewed at school. I also stayed in touch with others by e- mail.

I also went for gentle runs by myself and sometimes with Jenny. There were also long walks with Mom. Although my "track career" was put on hold, I still wanted to stay in shape.

I also took a lot of photos of the birds at our feeder. I figured I could use them in my portfolio for photography class. I was amazed at the number of different species that dropped by for a meal. Some were great shots of the squirrels that raided our feeder. True, they're pests, but they're also entertaining to watch.

It seemed pointless to try to keep the reason for my absence secret after talking with Mom and me. Jenny went in and spoke to Mrs. Lee and the staff and told them the details of my condition. Mrs. Lee suggested that they take it one step further, and she had Jenny speak to the senior class. Jenny stood forth and explained what had happened and answered questions. Cat said it was very compelling.

Mrs. Lincoln stopped by and told me that my job was waiting for me the moment I was ready to return. She also told me the whole story of what had happened the night I had my problems.

Mel had gone to the backroom to check on my work and to see if I wanted some tea. When she couldn't find me, she looked into the hallway and saw me on the ground. She called to Cindy while she ran to me, stopping only to beat on the door to the leather shop. I was on the ground with my arms wrapped around my knees, just slowly rocking back and forth, and was totally unresponsive. Cliff helped her to get me to lie down. I apparently didn't respond to anything they did or said. Luckily, the EMTs arrived quickly and transported me to the hospital. They didn't see any physical injuries, so they ruled out an attack.

"I guess that I scared them pretty badly," I stated.

"Well, the important thing is for you to get well completely this time. You are not to come back until I hear that Dr. McCall approves it," she said frankly. "Dear, I am far more concerned for your well-being than I am about whether or not you ever work for me again. But when you are ready, I want you back."

"Thank you so much. I promise to listen to them this time."

Ms. B came by a few times. I cannot put down in words how much she has helped me this past year. I was worried that all the publicity about my case would affect the scholarship program.

"You don't have to worry about that. Yes, we have had some negative comments, but those have been outnumbered by those who support both you and the competition. It will take something far worse to end this program."

Another visitor was Sam Warren. He came by late in the afternoon near the end of my first week of recovery, and he brought me flowers. I guess that he felt partially responsible for what had happened to me. We sat down together at the kitchen table. I was drinking tea while Sam had a mug of coffee.

I took a sip of my tea. "I would have been in far worse shape if you hadn't convicted him. The person responsible for my problems is sitting in jail right now. I've learned that this past week."

"You don't have to speak during the sentencing if you're not up to it."

"It isn't for a few weeks, so I should be okay by then. Besides, that is something that I have to do."

"I see. Well, if Jenny and your mom say it's okay, then I'll let you do it. For now, just focus on your recovery."

"I suppose that Jason and his lawyer know what happened." I felt rage that my collapse would bring joy to Jason.

"Yes, they know. Martin said that it was 'too bad' and asked me if you were going to make a full recovery." He took a sip of his coffee.

"Well, it's even more important that I show up now just so they don't get any satisfaction out of my pain."

"I'll be in contact with you and your mom. Take care."

I watched as Mom walked him out to the front door. They talked for several minutes before I heard him leave.

"So, have I won the bet yet?" I asked with a big grin on my face.

"No, not yet," she said with a smile.

"I'm sure he'll ask you within a week after the sentencing!" I exclaimed.

Mom just smiled.

By Wednesday of the second week, I had been given permission to go back to school. I'd asked Cat and Laura to tell the class that my return was to be low-key. They promised that they would do their best.

Late February wasn't a pretty time in Golden Hill. It was cold, gray, and dreary outside. The temperature was hovering around freezing, with threatening skies. Even Cat and Laura were tired of the snow and the cold. But to me, it was a perfect day. I was happy to return to school. There was also some fear too, but I knew I was ready. I felt refreshed in both body and mind for the first time in months.

I was wearing a light gray skirt and red sweater and my favorite pair of black leather boots. As I applied my makeup, I could see how the scar above my right eye was slowly fading. My nose still had its slight curve. I decided that for now, I didn't want any plastic surgery. They reminded me of what had happened and my need to take it easy.

Cat and Laura were driving me to school, so I invited them over for breakfast. It wasn't fancy, just bagels with cream cheese, juice, and coffee or tea.

I also decided to wear my new jacket to school. Granted, it didn't really match my outfit, but sometimes coordinating an outfit isn't all that important. Cat had told me that it was a gift from the senior class. By wearing it, I'd be showing them all how much they have meant to me.

As we got ready to leave the house, Laura gave me a nice long kiss. She said it was for luck. I still was getting tingles each time she kissed me.

We arrived at school, and I took a deep breath and walked in. It really felt good to be back in school. Part of me had initially thought that I might not make it back here. Friends and faculty members greeted me as I walked down the hall. Everything was subdued and low-key, which suited me fine.

However, that quickly changed when Kristen saw me. She ran down the hall and hugged me. That sort of broke the ice, and I was soon mobbed. I barely made it to homeroom on time. The last thing I needed was to be tardy on my first day back.

Mr. Grant didn't even bother to try to run a normal homeroom. He let my arrival take over. Paul came over and wrapped his arms around me. He said that we all needed to get together soon. I missed him a lot but was very happy that he was still seeing Caroline. It was a very emotional return.

The rest of the day was equally emotional. In each class, my friends greeted me. I gradually got back into the swing of things. There were a few interesting discoveries. In my child development class, I found that the "pregnant for a day" part of the class was in full swing. I had to admit the sight of Denise eight months pregnant wouldn't be one that I'd soon forget. My turn was scheduled in two weeks. Cat said that it would be funny if I had to wear it the day of the sentencing.

I also discovered that during my absence, the competition had narrowed down to seven contestants. Caroline called us the "Magnificent Seven." The other remaining contestants were Ann, Debbie, Lisa, Claire, and of course Denise. I wondered what the plan was if we all made it to the end of the year.

"I know, we could have mud wrestling," quipped Denise. "We could sell tickets, and the losers would get a share of the profits!"

"Don't forget about pay-per-view on cable. That should bring in some bucks," added Caroline.

"How about the action figures and t-shirts?" I suggested.

The rest of the contestants didn't get it and thought we were nuts.

I also talked to Mr. Kline and told him that I really wanted to give the lecture on my experiences. He thought it was a great idea. We talked about it after class.

"I've talked to Mrs. Lee about rescheduling classes for your lecture. I think it would be better if you only did this once and we could get all my classes in the auditorium at once. That way, you won't have to answer the same questions over and over. What do you think?"

"I like it. I worked a little on my notes during my leave of absence."

He smiled and nodded, "Whenever you want to talk about it, just come on by."

I also stopped by after school to see Coach Chambers. I told her that I would be forced to bypass the track season.

"I understand that you won't be able to compete, but I still want you on the team," Coach Chambers explained.

"Doing what?'

"I need assistants. Unlike cross-country, the track has a lot of things going on, and I can't be everywhere at the same time. I have two assistant coaches, but we all need extra help. You would be recording times and other data, helping us coordinate events, etc. Trust me, Erika, this isn't a pity position. I really need help, especially in recording the data!"

"I'll think about it and talk to my mom."

"Good, I hope that you can do it, even part-time would be great. Anyway, good to have you back. By the way, that jacket looks good on you!"

I looked down at my letter and embroidered name on the coat and smiled. "Thanks, it means a lot to me too!"

Anyway, the week went pretty well. I got back into the swing of school, and I also felt more and more normal. I wasn't fatigued or exhausted anymore. I also looked better. I knew that I'd be dealing with the effects of the attack for a long time, and this long-term recovery was in direct conflict with my "jump in and get the problem solved immediately" mentality. I think that the possibility of a relapse scared me enough to listen to those around me.

There is something I've wanted to talk about. I guess I've given the impression that everything was wonderful at Central High. That's really wasn't true. We had our problems like most schools. There were jerks, stoners, cliques, and all the other elements of a typical high school class. There were the occasional fights and the drug and alcohol problems. And we had got our fair share of teachers who were jerks too.

However, one thing that Central had that was lacking at many other schools was acceptance. Yes, it started with the contestants, but this attitude spread out to other groups. Golden Hill had been predominantly white. This was as much due to its location as its job market. But the addition of computer technology and a few other businesses there had brought an increase in minorities and immigrants. We were far from being a really diverse society, but it was becoming more mixed. These new students were accepted into the school with few problems. Most conflicts were individual in nature and not over race. No, it wasn't a utopia, and there were still those who judged the group and not the individual, but it was better than most schools.

I looked at my upcoming schedule. The biggest thing that I was facing was the sentencing hearing. Jenny agreed that I could speak and give my victim impact statement, but she also said that she'd be monitoring me. Sam had given me an outline of what I could and couldn't say. I had a week to prepare. I had put some ideas down on paper and ran them by a few people in the group. Dana thought I was being too conservative and too nice. Afterward, Karen told me that I could either use it as an opportunity for closure, or it could become a rant that would build up more hate and rage. I wanted Jason to know the pain he had caused, not just for me but for my family and my friends. But I also liked the idea of using it as a statement of closure.

Mom refused to let me go back to work until after Jason was sentenced. She reluctantly approved my assisting Coach Chambers. I could now see more of the effects of the assault on Mom. She had been wonderful to me, and I know that she had been sharing the pain and stress that I had. I was even more determined to win the scholarship now just so she wouldn't have to worry about my future.

I was anxious to start my transition. Jenny had also begun to counsel me on this issue. Looking back, I was able to see how successfully I had repressed my true feelings before we came to Golden Hill. I had forced any feelings of questioning my gender away. Even now, I can't believe that I didn't pick up on them. I mean, I wasn't exactly head over hot coals before I agreed to enter the competition back when school started!

There were a few incidents in my past that made a lot more sense now. I dated back in San Diego, but I'd never seemed to make it last more than one or two dates. I usually ended up being good friends with the girls, but nothing romantic, much like my friendship with Cat.

I'd also tried to do masculine, manly things to show everyone that I was a real guy. I ended up doing a lot of things that I really hated. No one openly questioned that I wasn't a real guy; at least, that is what I'd thought. The one sport I'd loved participating in was running, which was gender-neutral.

During my recovery, I got a letter from an old friend from my school back in San Diego. Her name is Gwen, and she was one of the girls that I tried to date and ended up as just being a good friend. By chance, she had read an article online about the trial. Even though my name wasn't mentioned, there were enough clues in the article for her to put two and two together.

Gwen thought it was great that I had finally come out and said that she'd always suspected that I might be gay, but the fact that I was transsexual made even more sense. We began to correspond online. I found out from her that many of my friends had thought that I was gay or something different. She told me that she hadn't told anyone else and that she wouldn't unless I said it was okay.

It was slightly shocking to suddenly be told the truth. It was also a bit disturbing to know that others knew I was different before I even thought about it. I sent some pictures and told her she could tell anyone she trusted. I explained that I wasn't out to shock the world or anything. She promised to be careful.

Jenny felt confident that I was making the right decision, but she wanted me to see a specialist before I could start hormones and begin the legal proceedings. She told me that she had written a report on me and two other contestants and had sent it to Dr. Lawrence Wright. He was an expert on transgender issues and transsexuals, and I would need his approval before starting hormones. Jenny explained that he would be coming to town for a short time to evaluate us.

I knew that Caroline was going to transition, but I wondered who the third person was. I also knew that Jenny wouldn't tell me, so I didn't even bother asking. I ran the remaining candidates through me and tried to figure out who it was.

The following week we had our meeting of the remaining contestants. We were still the Magnificent Seven. I watched in amused silence as Ann struggled into the room. It was her day to be pregnant! I wouldn't have thought that she'd still be in the contest. She'd told us that she had paid off her debt. Maybe it was just her sense of competition that kept her in.

She plopped down next to me and let out a big sigh of relief. "This really sucks!" she said to no one in particular. Her astute comment was followed by laughs.

I was the only remaining contestant who still had to wear it. I caught a lot of grief about that and how bad it would be. The only one who'd seemed to enjoy wearing it was Denise. In fact, she told us that the whole band was going to make their own "tummies" as part of their performance. She got a lot of blank stares and shaking heads from most of the group. I thought it was funny. Denise was just having fun, and part of her fun was fooling people. Most students and staff had no idea when she was joking or serious. She liked to keep people confused, and I think that I was one of the few in school who got the joke. To Denise, this contest was just a chance to tweak a few noses. She'd even told me that her story about military school was a lie. I think she would have worn a gorilla suit all year if it meant a chance to confuse the class. The world needs more people like Denise.

Ms. B came in and told us a bit more about the fashion show. She told us that we would like each model three outfits. We were all given forms to fill out. The forms were a combination release form and information sheet. We needed to include our sizes and measurements and to get our parents' signatures.

"What kind of outfits will we be wearing?" asked Lisa.

Ms. B smiled. "I can't tell you that, but remember that you will be in front of a respectable crowd. The outfits will be very nice, and I promise you that you will not be humiliated."

I liked Lisa a lot. We were in American Lit together, and we finally had a chance to talk and to get to know each other. She had entered the contest on a dare with her girlfriend. She hadn't expected to last this long, and now that we were in late February, she figured that she might have a shot at winning the competition. She laughed when she told me that she had broken up with her girlfriend. It seems that she was upset that Lisa wouldn't quit the contest. But it wasn't a big problem as she was already dating another girl who understood that she was only doing this to get college money.

She told me that the reason she was able to get through the contest so easily was that she was used to being different and standing out. She'd been born in Korea, and an American couple had adopted her when she was a few weeks old. She told me that her real parents had been a mixed couple, an American serviceman and a Korean mother, and that would have doomed her back in Korea. She had become very adaptable in her life, and she applied these skills to the competition.

Of the remaining contestants, I never got very close to either Claire or Debbie. It was understandable with Claire. She was very shy, and I was amazed that she was still in the competition. I tried to talk to her, but I never got her to say very much.

On the other hand, Debbie was just standoffish. I think that she felt embarrassed to be associated with us. She claimed that she was in the contest strictly for the scholarship. She had told Caroline that she "wasn't like us." Yet, she was very careful about her appearance and was the most fashionable of any of the contestants. I really couldn't figure her out.

I didn't lose any sleep over this. I didn't expect to be friends with everyone. I wasn't going to be hostile to her, but if she didn't want to be friends, so be it.

Ms. B announced that, in addition to the weekly group meeting, we'd each have a mandatory meeting with her. She gave us all the time to see her. I noticed that my meeting was that afternoon during 6th period.

Ms. B was waiting for me as I entered her office.

"How are you doing, Erika?" she asked.

I plopped down in one of her comfy chairs. "Much better, thanks. I guess I should have listened to you. I'm sorry."

She smiled back. "You're forgiven. On the plus side, we have learned a lot about how to treat something like this, if it should ever happen again."

"I hope that it never does," I replied hopefully.

We talked about my classes and how I was doing in my transition. She gave me a lot of info on the subject.

"Excuse me, Ms. B, but I have a question. You told me that no one had ever transitioned at school before, so how do you know so much about this subject?" I asked.

"That is true; this is the first year that we've had contestants come out during the year. However, we have helped nearly fourteen graduates in later transitions. One even contacted us three years after she graduated for help."

"Oh! That makes sense. Besides Caroline and I, is anyone else in this year's group a transsexual?"

"Yes, but they don't want it made public knowledge right now."

I nodded. "I see; well, I can understand that. If they want to talk to someone going through the same thing, I will be happy to talk with them."

"Thank you, Erika. Caroline already made the same offer."

I wanted to ask her more about the contest, but we ran out of time.

After I'd left, I thought about who the third one might be. It was so obvious with Caroline and, from what my friends had told me, it was pretty obvious in my case. I thought about the other five, and each had pluses and minuses. The only one I ruled out was Denise. I couldn't see her being shy and secretive about anything.

Even though Jenny and Mom hadn't given me permission to work, I decided that I needed to touch base with them. I also wanted to thank them for their help when I froze up.

I baked some cookies and wrapped up a small basket for Cindy, Mel, and Mrs. Lincoln. I also had a big plate for the guys at the leather store.

I felt a bit funny walking into the store at first. I was just in jeans, boots, a bra, and a sweater. I was also wearing my school jacket.

Mel saw me first and walked over, and gave me a big hug.

"You look much better than the last time I saw you!" She then put on a fake serious look on her face. "I almost gave you a punch instead of a hug. You scared me to death when I saw you in the hallway."

"Well, I'm glad for the hug. Here's a peace offering." I handed her the basket of goodies.

Mel smiled and gave me another hug. "Apology accepted. Cindy is in the back with Mrs. Lincoln."

"Great, I'll talk to you later."

I went into the back and knocked on Mrs. Lincoln's door, and entered.

They were both happy to see me. Mrs. Lincoln commented that I looked much better and healthier. I had heard that a lot lately. I'd seen a photo taken of me right after the trial, and I couldn't believe how bad I'd looked. I had lost nearly 12 pounds during the trial, and my face had looked very gaunt and pale. Mrs. Lincoln told me that whenever I was ready, she'd welcome me back.

My final stop was at the leather store. Cliff came up and lifted me into the air. He said that when he'd first heard Mel beating on the door that he'd thought it was a joke, but when he saw me on the floor, it "scared the shit out of me," his words not mine. He appreciated the cookies, and so did the other guys in the shop.

It felt good to be returning to a normal life. I hoped that I'd be allowed to return to work soon, even if it was reduced hours. However, I knew that Mom wouldn't allow me to do it until after the sentencing.