Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 19

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On Sunday morning, I was sitting upstairs at my computer, working on my statement. I hated the term "Victim Impact Statement," but I appreciated the opportunity for closure. I knew it was all legalese, but I was through with the term victim. Jason had been a dark cloud all year. It would be good to see this over.

I was so intent on the wording that I never heard Mom come up behind me. I almost jumped out of my chair when she asked me how it was going.

"Sorry, honey."

I looked back and was holding my hand on my chest. It was kind of funny, and we both broke out laughing.

"So, how is it shaping up?" asked Mom, after we'd composed ourselves. She pulled up a chair and sat down next to me.

I moved over so she could see my computer screen a little better. "Here, read it and tell me what you think, and please be honest."

She read through it several times and then sat back. "I like it. I look forward to hearing you give it this week." She also made some comments on grammar errors. Everyone's a critic!

The sentencing hearing was starting on Tuesday. Sam had said that it would last a few days at most since there was a deal in place. I'd had asked him how sure he was that the judge would uphold the agreed deal. He felt it would be pretty close to what they had suggested. He told me that both sides would give the judge their recommendations, along with any appropriate expert testimony. Then there would be time for my statement.

Tuesday, we re-entered the courtroom to start the sentencing hearing. There was a lot of rehashing of the case by the prosecution concerning the violence involved. Sam was also allowed to bring up the previous incidents between Jason and me, which included the threats and the attempted attack at the football game. He recommended that Jason receive a long prison term and be placed on the list of violent sex offenders for life.

On Wednesday, the defense brought in several experts that stated who and what Jason needed was long-term therapy and not jail time. I felt betrayed when they suggested that he was a victim too, and that he was suffering from depression and other ills, and that he really wasn't responsible for his actions. They implied that the only reason he'd pleaded guilty was to ease my pain. They also brought in a preacher who claimed that Jason had become a changed person and that he deserved a chance to make the most of his life.

I needed to channel my anger, so that night, I edited my statement somewhat. I also wrote a really cutting and angry version that I had no intention of ever reading in court. It did feel good to write it! I e-mailed it to Cat and Laura and told them to feel free to include additional commentary. The resulting statement was extremely angry and also very funny. It was more along the lines of a Dennis Miller rant by the time we'd finished. We got a lot of laughs out of it, and I felt much better.

Thursday morning was cold and blustery. Still, there was a hint of spring in the air. I picked out a black skirt and charcoal gray sweater to wear. I took extra pride in doing my makeup and hair. I wanted a look that would be taken seriously by the judge.

We had breakfast downtown with Jenny. We met in a diner located two blocks from the courtroom. Sam had recommended the place as a favorite of both his office staff and the police. He said that the regulars would keep away the riff-raff - like defense attorneys. I gave Jenny a copy of my real statement to read as we ate. She thought that it was appropriate, and she agreed to let me speak. She promised that she would be available afterward.

We entered the courtroom and took our seats. I knew that I had many supporters in the audience, but I didn't look at them. I wanted to be as focused as possible. I would be the last person to speak before the judge began his deliberations on the sentence. Any fear or doubts I'd had disappeared when I looked over at Jason. He cracked a small smile and winked at me as I took my seat. He was still an arrogant jerk. He must have gotten great pleasure out of my mental crash and burn.

The judge gave me permission to speak.

I took a deep breath and started. "Your Honor, I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to express how this crime has changed my life. Physically, I suffered many injuries from Jason's brutal assault. First, I was abducted under the threat of death. Then, I was sexually violated twice under extremely violent and degrading circumstances, accompanied by hate-filled verbal abuse. My face still shows the effects of his attack; my nose and this scar are daily reminders of what occurred."

I then held up a photo of what I'd looked like right after the attack. "Yes, the bruises and swelling have healed, but the damage goes deeper than that."

I took a drink of water and continued. "The worst part of this crime was the attack on my mental well-being. This part of the attack started with the initial assault and still continues to this day. It started with the fear caused by the actual abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Then there was the fear of being infected with a disease. Then there was the sense of freedom and security that was taken away from me. There was the effect on my family and friends. There was the effect on my relationship with my boyfriend. There was the effect on my schoolwork and job. There was the effect of trying to ridicule me for being transgender. There was the effect of being held up to ridicule in the press. There was a completely unjustified attack on my reputation and morals here in court. There was an attempt to make me into the real criminal. All these combined to form a weight that almost crushed me."

I stopped and glared at Jason. I looked directly at him. He dropped his head down and wouldn't look at me. Then I transferred my glare to Martin Turner, who just stated back without showing any emotion.

"Thanks to my friends, family, and a lot of therapy, I am recovering. Did you hear that, Jason? Jason, look at me!" I demanded, very loudly, but he just kept his head down. "You're such a coward that you won't even look me in the eye. I will not allow your selfish and hateful acts to ruin my life. If that was the reason you attacked me, then you failed. You tried to take my dignity, and you failed. You tried to damage my body and mind, and you failed. If anything, you've only made me stronger. I know that I will carry the physical and mental scars from what you did to me my whole life. Yes, I hate what you did to me. I despise your actions and the fact that you still see yourself as the victim and that you won't truly accept responsibility for your actions. You deserve to be punished, and you need to accept responsibility for the pain, fears, and physical and emotional damage you have caused."

I had to stop for a second to regain my composure. I saw that Jason's head was still down.

"I hope that someday you understand what you have done to me, and I hope that you are kept locked away from society until you truly comprehend your actions." I then turned to the judge and said. "Thank you, your Honor."

I was then allowed to step down. The weight I had described was gone, and I felt as if I was walking three feet off the ground.

I sat next to Mom, and she put her arm around me. "I'm so proud of you!" she whispered in my ear. The court adjourned while the judge contemplated Jason's sentence.

We met with Sam afterward, and he told us that he'd call us as soon as the judge made his decision. He told us that he didn't expect a decision until the next morning at the earliest.

We caught up with Jenny, Terri, and Cat outside the courtroom. It was only around noon, but I was too keyed up to go back to school. We went back to the diner to eat and come down from the statement.

As we waited for our food, Jenny asked me how I was feeling. I explained the sensation of the weight being lifted off.

"I thought you did a great job," stated Cat. "I watched how Jason's cockiness disappeared and how you broke him down. It was impressive."

"Thanks. Coming from you, that's a big compliment. I could feel your strength supporting me while I was up there."

Jenny said that she would be in court when the sentence was read. We were halfway home when Mom's cell phone rang. It was Sam telling us to be back in court the next morning.

Looking back at the sentencing, I remember how calm I was. I had complete confidence in the legal system to do the right thing. Yes, the possibility of Jason getting a light sentence had entered my mind, but I dismissed it.

The judge entered, and the court was in session. He reviewed his papers and then addressed the court. He told us what went into his decision. He said he looked at the severity of the crime, its effect on the victim, how the defendant reacted, and his sense of responsibility. He said that he also considered several factors regarding the defendant, including his ability to eventually be turned into a useful member of society. This was combined with the laws and recommendations of the defense and the prosecution.

He then had Jason stand up while he read his decision. I don't remember all the specifics. I just know that Jason was sentenced to thirty years in prison for abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Sam told us that he would have to serve at least 15 years before he was eligible for parole. It was finally over. I didn't feel happy; it was more a sense of relief, which can be even more satisfying. I could now get on with the rest of my life.

Thankfully, I had a whole weekend to recover from the sentencing. I mainly hung out with Laura and Cat. We didn't do anything special or exciting, and that was just fine. We did meet Paul and Caroline at Guido's Saturday evening. It felt good to be surrounded by friends. We talked about our plans, both long-term and for the immediate future. Cat told us that she'd be out of town the following weekend. She was going to the main crime lab with one of the lab technicians. Laura made her promise not to tell us any dead body stories.

"So, Erika, have you made any decisions yet on what you want to do after graduation?" asked Cat.

"I've applied to Dewey College."

"Cool, so what are you going to study?" asked Caroline.

"I'm thinking about history, but I will also take teaching classes."

"Teaching? That suits you a lot Erika," added Laura, "So, when did you make this decision?"

"I had a lot of time to think during my recovery. But I think it hit me as I prepared the lesson that I'll be teaching for Mr. Kline's class."

"Have you thought about how you're transgender might affect your ability to get hired?" asked Cat.

I smiled. "I can always count on you to be my voice of reason! Actually, I have. I plan on having surgery before I graduate. If I win the scholarship, I won't have to worry about school, and I can take time off to recover. I will try to get hired around here. I figure that, unless there is a major shift in attitude, I'd have a good chance of being hired. That will allow me to get a work history as a woman besides my job with Mrs. Lincoln."

"I'm impressed at how you've really planned this out," replied Cat.

"So, what level do you want to teach?" asked Paul.

"High school - I don't think that I could deal with the real little kids."

Paul told us that he had also applied to Dewey for their journalism program. Caroline had been accepted in a small art college over in Pine Valley, but she was still waiting to hear back from Dewey.

We joked that in twenty years, we would be ruling Golden Hill. I would be the principal at Central, Cat would be Chief of Police, Laura would be Mayor, Paul would be the editor of the town newspaper, and Caroline would be a famous artist. I also realized that by then, Jason might be paroled.

I was kind of looking forward to Monday. I had to get to school early because I had to be fitted with the empathy belly. Yes, I'd be walking around school looking like I was eight months pregnant all day. I was very curious about the sensations that I would be experiencing. I also didn't think it would be as bad as everyone said it was.

Mrs. Roberts met me early Monday morning to assist me in getting dressed. She also explained the purpose of each part of the outfit as she helped me into it.

She explained that this was the most advanced model of the pregnancy simulator. Unlike previous models that were worn over clothes, this one was worn right next to the skin. There was a piece of clothing that looked like a body briefer. There were some significant differences, however. First, there was a rib belt that tightened my chest. This was to make breathing more difficult. Next, she slipped into my breasts. Unlike my small breast pads, these were large and heavy.

Next, she adjusted the belly itself. It was filled with warm water. Additionally, there were weights, some pressed against me, specifically against my bladder. She told me that I'd be spending a lot of time going to the restroom today. Fortunately, there was quick access due to Velcro! The other weights simulated the movement of the baby.

I couldn't believe how heavy it all was. Mrs. Roberts told me that I now weighed 35 pounds heavier, and she had me step up on a scale to prove it. I was immediately aware of the discomfort that I'd be experiencing the rest of the day. My back already hurt, and I had to adjust the way I walked. It took more energy to move around and to do basically everything! Mrs. Roberts handed me my clothes and watched as I struggled to get dressed. I was wearing a black pair of tights and a red maternity top. Thankfully, I had followed her advice and had brought a pair of flats that I could slip my feet into. There was no way that I could tie laces. She watched me struggle in amused silence.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" I asked as I tried to sit down.

"Yes, I must admit that this is my favorite time of the year. At least you're used to wearing women's clothing and having breasts. We have some boys enrolled in the class, and they're at a real disadvantage."

She then went on to explain that I would feel more fatigued throughout the day. I would also feel warmer, and my blood pressure would be slightly higher. She said that if I felt lightheaded, I should immediately go to the health office. She also told me to drink plenty of fluids, even though it would mean more trips to the restroom. Then she handed me a small notebook and told me to record my observations in it all day.

"I'll see you in the class first period. Meet me here after school, and we'll get you freed."

"Thanks," I replied as I picked up my bag and coat and waddled off to homeroom.

I was dreading going to homeroom. I just knew that Paul had some stupid stunt planned. I also quickly discovered that I'd be spending the day in the slow lane. My normal fast pace was already down to a crawl and using the stairs really sucked, both going up and down. Halfway to homeroom, I had to make my first pit stop. I barely made it into the stall. It was quite an adventure getting back up off the toilet.

When I made it into homeroom, I was greeted by some laughs. However, there were also a lot of questions and comments from the girls. Many of them had taken the course, and they shared their experiences and gave me some hints.

Paul was getting all kind of laughs, but I couldn't see why. He finally came over, and I saw he had on a button that said, "It's not mine." I just glared at him in mock anger. I tried to think of a good comeback line but couldn't. Fortunately, Cat saved the day for me.

"Paul isn't it your turn to wear it next week?" she asked. "I wouldn't be so fast to mock her; you know what they say about payback?"

There were plenty of "Oooooh" in class as Paul sat down and took off the button. He looked over at me and said he was sorry. I winked and smiled back at him.

I made it back to Mrs. Robert's classroom and could feel the sweat on my face. Fortunately, there was a special chair for the pregnant student. There was no way that I could fit in a regular desk.

I found that the other girls in the class were very supportive and interested in my feelings and observations about wearing the belly. There was a sense of bonding over this shared experience. They took several photos of me, so I'd have some souvenirs.

I barely made it to Mr. Kline's class on time. I was getting very tired, and my back was starting to really hurt. I couldn't wait until the end of the school day! Yes, I was becoming very whiny about my discomfort.

The only good thing about the belly was that it got me out of PE. Coach Chambers gave me a pass to the library. I normally loved PE, but today I preferred to sit and rest on one of the soft couches in the library, as opposed to sitting on the hard wooden bleachers and watching the rest of my class play volleyball. My back was starting to hurt. I couldn't imagine doing this for nine months!

Missing PE allowed me to get a head start on getting into the cafeteria. Laura and Kristen both found my suffering humorous. Cat told me that it was too bad that they couldn't come up with a period simulator too. I glared at her for that one!

Kristen had her camera, and I posed for several photographs. We got a great group shot. They also took one of just Laura and me. She had her hand on my belly and was looking at me with moony eyes. I still get a laugh when I see it.

I struggled to get to my afternoon classes. Luckily, I met Lisa on the way to American Lit, and she carried my bookbag. I also had to make another pit stop. I lost count of my trips to the restroom. The weight was really doing its job. I asked Lisa how her day had gone when she wore it.

"I was so glad to when the sixth period arrived. But looking back, I'm glad I did it," she stated.

"Would you do it again?" I asked.

"No!" she laughed.

I slowly made my way down the hall to my sixth-period class. I had just made it to Mr. Kline's room when the fire alarm went off. While most of the students cheered, I groaned; the last thing I wanted to do was walk outside! We all picked up our stuff and walked to the exit. Alex's younger brother, Nick, helped me by carrying my bags.

We all thought that this was a stupid time to have a fire drill as we worked our way outside. I had to admit that the cold air felt good as I stepped outside. However, I wasn't looking forward to standing around for ten minutes while they made sure that everyone was outside.

That's when we heard the fire engines approaching. Everyone began talking and wondering if there was a real fire or as if it was a false alarm. I was more concerned with finding a place to sit down. There was no way I could sit down on the curb, at least not, and be able to stand up again. And the ground was still covered in snow, so that wasn't an option.

We watched the fire engines pull up. If this was a drill, they were taking it very seriously. They were putting on breathing equipment and entering the school.

Fortunately, one of our campus supervisors drove by in their golf cart and saw me, and stopped. She waved me over and let me sit down in their electric cart. It felt wonderful! I couldn't believe how good just sitting down could feel. She then told Mr. Kline that there was a gas leak in the kitchen. She said that we would be outside for a while. We could hear the reports on her 2-way radio.

After twenty minutes, we heard that the source of the leak had been found and stopped. Usually, this would be a cause for celebration, but I was stuck wearing the belly! However, as the school had to be ventilated for several hours, the decision was made to send us all home.

I was debating how I was going to get home and how I would get out of this thing when Mrs. Roberts found me.

"I'm so happy to see you!" I exclaimed with glee.

"I imagine you are. Wasn't wearing the belly difficult enough for you?' she joked with a smile.

"Well, you know me, I always want some extra challenges," I replied. "Do I get extra credit for this?"

She just laughed and shook her head no. "Since we can't get back into school, I think the best thing would be to take you home and have you get changed there. Come on, I'll drive you there."

Thankfully, the campus supervisor gave us a lift to the parking lot. I waved to Laura as we drove to the faculty parking lot. I found that getting in and out of the car was also very difficult. Thanks to the gas leak, I was able to have some experiences that the rest of the class missed. My journal for the day would be very full.

We got to my house, and I saw that Mom's car was in the driveway. I then remembered that she was starting her first class that afternoon. I needed help getting out of the car, and Mrs. Roberts helped pull me out. My center of gravity was way off.

"Hi, Mom, I'm home," I announced as we came in.

"I heard the news on the radio. Is everyone okay?" asked Mom from the kitchen.

"Yes, we all survived. Mom, could you come here? There's someone here I would like you to meet. This is my teacher, Mrs. Roberts."

Mom came out of the kitchen, and as soon as she saw me, she immediately broke out laughing hysterically. "I'm sorry, honey. I just didn't expect to see you like this," she apologized, holding back laughs. She walked up and put her hand on my extended belly.

"We weren't allowed back into school, so Mrs. Roberts gave me a lift home, and she is going to help me change," I explained. I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment.

"Hi, I'm Jill," greeted Mom, wiping away tears from her eyes.

"Pleased to meet you, Jill; I'm Elaine Roberts. You're lucky; not too many parents see their children in the belly."

"I must admit that it's priceless seeing Erika like this. Can I give you two a hand?"

"Sure. It isn't easy to get it off."

Getting up the stairs was my last challenge of the day. I had a whole new perspective on life after this day. I had full respect for any woman who was pregnant. I can't imagine how Mom made it through a year of college while she was pregnant with me. I had even more respect for her.

It felt wonderful to get out of the belly and the briefer. I went in to shower as Mrs. Roberts packed it up. She told us that she always had to take it home to wash after each student used it anyway.

I met them downstairs after I got dressed. They were sitting in the kitchen talking.

"Stop by tomorrow and pick up your clothes," stated Mrs. Roberts. "I need to get going; it was nice meeting you, Jill. See you tomorrow Erika."

I walked her to the door and waved goodbye.

"She thinks very highly of you," added Mom.

"I like her too." I always felt a little uneasy having my teachers meet my Mom outside of school. I know it is stupid, but it always feels slightly embarrassing.

"She told me something interesting," Mom said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"What was that?" I asked as I reached into the fridge for a diet cola.

"She said that you had talked to her about your interest in teaching. Are you serious about that? "

I then went on to tell her my idea and plans.

"When did you finalize these ideas?"

"I think this past weekend it kind of all came together. Dewey was one of the schools I applied to, and they have the best teaching program in the area. Besides, if I don't get the scholarship, I can still go part-time and work for Mrs. Lincoln."

"Well, you have my support. I think you'd make a wonderful teacher. Now, I have to run. I'll be home around 8:00."

"Cool, I'll have dinner ready."

"My, you are something! Why, just this afternoon, you were pregnant, and now you'll be cooking dinner for me!" quipped Mom.