Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 23

OTHER CHAPTERS | ALL STORY LIST

That night was a repeat of the previous night. As I lay there awake, I thought about how hard this would be for a single parent. I was even more impressed with Mom. I thought about the monumental responsibility that went with having a child. While it was true that I couldn't become pregnant, there was the possibility that I could become a mother someday, through adoption or something like that. It was a dose of reality that made me think. Part of me wondered what it would be like and whether I could do as good a job as Mom had done. I gained a whole new appreciation for this little assignment.

I got my second - or was that third or fourth, wind by the time I got to work. I actually felt a little guilty leaving it alone with Mom. Cindy got a lot of laughs out of my descriptions of Robo. She said that being married didn't necessarily mean that the load was eased. She said that she'd gotten up every night for their first baby, but she'd insisted that her husband help more with the next two. Mel said that she was in no hurry to get pregnant. She did tell us that she and Cliff were getting more serious. Cindy asked when they were getting married. Mel smiled and said, not that serious.

I got home, and Mom told me that Robo had only gone off twice. She also said that Terri had invited us for dinner.

We had a nice dinner. I always felt at ease when I was with Terri and Cat. Robo only interrupted us once. Cat made me bring the photos taken when I was pregnant. Terri became hysterical, laughing at the pictures of me pregnant.

"I'm so happy that I can provide entertainment for my friends."

"Is this the last big hurdle with child development?" asked Terri, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Yes, from here on, it's just easy stuff like tests and papers."

My last night with Robo was similar to the others. I needed a weekend to recover from my weekend!

I eagerly returned Robo to Ms. Roberts. Everyone else had a similar look of exhaustion and relief on their faces. She commented on how haggard we all looked. She was amused by the nickname Robo-baby. The only thing left was to write a report on our experiences.

With Robo behind me, I looked at the upcoming week. Mr. Kline confirmed that it would be this Friday that I'd be talking to his classes on my trial. I sat down with him, and we discussed my lecture. He made a few suggestions, but otherwise, he felt it was very good.

Wednesday, I helped Coach Chambers for the first time. I must admit that I missed not being able to compete. Still, it was fun helping. Rachael said now that I was back, she knew that they would have a great season. Basically, I was a glorified secretary. I recorded and collected data for Coach. I had a clipboard, whistle, and stopwatch, but my main job was to record data. I didn't mind, as it was another step towards recovery.

Our Thursday group meeting was good. The flap caused by Debbie had passed. Since we were no longer the seven, it was up to Caroline to come up with the next nickname. Everyone seemed to like "The Super Six."

There were only two weeks left until the fashion show. A woman from the show came in and took our photos and measurements. She was a little put off by Denise and her tattoos. While the specifics were still held back, we did learn that there would be three wardrobe changes. One outfit was described as casual, and the other two were supposed to be more formal. We were promised that there would be no bathing suits!

I noticed that Lisa was still more quiet than normal. I sat next to her while the others were getting measured.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Is it that obvious?"

"Well, you have seemed a bit down the last few weeks. If you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener."

"Thanks. I may call you later."

I didn't press her anymore. I wondered what was up.

During lunch, I told everyone about the fashion show. Laura and Kristen were a bit jealous.

"I can't believe that you get to wear nicer clothes than me," moaned Laura with a laugh.

"Well, maybe you should talk to Ms. B. They might need a few more models for the show."

Kristen and Laura looked at each other. "I just might do that," stated Laura.

Cat then brought up the topic of my lecture. Mr. Kline had told me that he was getting a lot of requests for other students to attend. He asked if I would mind if more students were let in. I didn't mind. To be honest, it was a bit of an ego boost to hear that so many people wanted to hear me speak.

"So, do you know how many people will be there tomorrow?" asked Cat.

"Well, not exactly. I know that Mr. Kline said that it could be close to 200."

"Are you nervous?" asked Laura.

"A little, but it can't be worse than being cross-examined."

"Well, they say that one way to feel more at ease is to picture the audience in their underwear," said Kristen.

"Yes, but the trick is not to picture yourself the same way," added Cat.

We all broke out laughing. I asked them if they were coming. They promised to be in the front row and to be wearing clean underwear.

When I got home from work, Mom said that I had a message from someone named Lisa. I thanked her and took the number, and called her up.

There was some initial small talk until Lisa came to the real reason why she wanted to talk to me.

"Please, don't take this the wrong way, I fully support what you are going through, but this is more about me. I just have been wondering if this has all been worth it. I know that for you and Caroline, it's a bit different. But I have been thinking that my memories of my senior year of high school will revolve around dressing like a girl. I didn't expect this to go on the whole year."

"You thinking of dropping out?" I asked. I was slightly stunned by this revelation. Lisa usually seemed so steady and calm.

"I don't know. I really want a shot at the scholarship, and to drop out at this point would make what I've done this school year kind of pointless. I mean, if I'm going through this all year, I should at least reap the rewards."

"Have you talked to Ms. B about your feelings?" I asked.

"Not yet. Do you think I should?" she asked.

"Absolutely! She is very understanding. I'm sure she'll be very helpful."

"If you were in my shoes, what would you do?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. But if your main goal was to win the scholarship, then I would stay. I don't think anyone worth having as a friend wouldn't understand why you did this."

We talked for twenty more minutes. She told me that she would talk to Ms. B before she made any decision. We did talk about one last thing.

"What do you think will happen if we all make it to the end of the year? Do you think that we will all get a scholarship, or will we share it?" asked Lisa.

"I don't know; maybe we should bring that up at the next meeting."

"Good idea. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to hearing you speak!"

I talked to Mom about what Lisa had told me. I hadn't really thought of the problems and issues that the non-transgendered students were going through. I was too wrapped up in my own issues. I know how shocking a teenager being self-absorbed!

Mom agreed that it would be very difficult for someone like Lisa. There was also the perception that she might actually be transgender and in denial.

"There is also the issue of the family and loved ones. It could be very overwhelming. Look at that boy, Dan, you told me about!"

"Well, Ms. B said that our class was breaking a lot of new ground, and they would be making changes to the program."

"Don't get me wrong, I think the basic idea of this competition is commendable. I used to think that where we lived was pretty liberal and accepting. I work with many Central High grads, and they are much more open-minded than people I worked with in San Diego. Well, you have a big day tomorrow; I think you should get to bed."

We hugged each other, and I went to bed. I thought about what Mom had said. The scholarship contest sure seemed to have long-reaching effects.

I took special care getting dressed that morning. I wanted everything to look perfect. I went with a white long sleeve blouse and a green and blue plaid skirt. I also wore my favorite black boots. As I did my makeup, I noticed that my scar was looking better. It was still noticeable, but it was fading.

Mom thought I looked very distinguished! I just hoped that I didn't make a fool out of myself.

Before school, I met Mr. Kline in the auditorium, and he showed me how to work the projector. He had helped me prepare a few PowerPoint slides. I would be explaining the process of a criminal trial, and of course, I'd be including my own experiences. The second hour would be open for questions. There was also a camera set up to videotape the proceedings. He told me to relax and enjoy myself.

I was excused from homeroom, so I could review my notes and try not to faint. Well, maybe I wasn't that nervous. Thankfully, there was a podium that I could hide behind.

I was sitting off to the side when everyone began to arrive. I was pleased to see Mrs. Lee and Ms. B as they entered. Once everyone was seated, I tried to estimate the crowd. I think it was around three hundred, as a lot of other teachers had brought their classes.

Mr. Kline gave me an introduction and explained what would be happening. He asked that all questions be held until the second hour. He looked over at me and motioned me to come over. Somehow, my legs worked, and I approached the podium. I was very moved by the reception. I only hoped that I lived up to their expectations.

I described the criminal process from the gathering of evidence to the sentencing. I explained how the system was a balance between preserving the rights of the defendant and ensuring that justice was served. I did get a bit opinionated when I talked about the cross-examination of the victim, especially during a sexual assault case.

The second hour, I opened it to questions. Mr. Kline had a microphone, and he walked around to get the question. Afterward, I told Mr. Kline that he should host a show.

There were several great questions. I was asked about the evidence collection phase while I was in the ER.

"Well, I was a little out of it, but I knew that it had to be done. The policewoman who did the collection was very sympathetic and was specially trained to deal with victims of sexual assault. I'm glad she was there as it contributed to my attacker being brought to justice."

I was aware that many in the crowd knew Jason, and some still considered him their friend. I tried not to get too personal with my statements.

Another questioner asked me to talk more about my testimony and cross-examination. They also asked about being coached for being on the stand.

"I think that the coaching and preparation were vital. It helped me tell my story in more detail and much more clearly and concisely. I wasn't told what to say, just how to say it. They told me to be very truthful, as any lie would be used to discredit my testimony."

"How did you feel about the way the defense attorney portrayed you and then cross-examined you?" asked a female student.

"Looking back, I understand that he was just trying to get his client off. However, in the case of a victim of sexual assault, it kind of felt like being attacked all over again. I took it very personally. He had no proof to support the things he said about me, yet because it was said in court and printed in the paper, some people believed it. It's not hard to understand why many victims of this sort of crime don't want to press charges."

"Did your being in the scholarship contest and the fact that you're really a guy have any part in the trial?" asked a male student.

There were a few heads turning to see who asked the question, and there were also a few people booing.

"Excuse me, everyone, but it's a legitimate question. Actually, gender plays no part in the legal sense. Sexual assault is sexual assault, regardless of the gender of the victim or the defendant. Yes, my being in the contest and being transgender did become an issue, especially in the defense's case. But as far as the DA and the judge were concerned, I was still entitled to have the crime against me prosecuted. This hasn't always been the case, and in many areas, crimes against transgender victims are handled poorly."

I saw Cat grinning in the front row, and I wondered what she found so amusing.

"Erika, would you explain what the defense was trying to prove in their case, especially the part about the attack being provoked?" asked Ms. B.

She had asked me ahead of time if she could ask me that question, so I wasn't caught off guard.

"Well, it's a popular defense when the person attacked or killed is gay or transgender. They call it the 'gay panic defense. The defense claims that the defendant was so shocked by the behavior of the victim that they snapped. In my case, they admitted that Jason was with me but claimed it wasn't rape and that it was only afterward that he discovered I was male, and then he freaked out. They claimed that his reaction was normal and that anyone would do the same thing."

"You mean that sort of crap works?" blurted out Mike. There was a round of laughs.

I held back a snicker. "It has been used a lot, and in some cases, it has resulted in lesser charges or acquittal. However, for it to work, you need a jury that shares those beliefs. Defense lawyers often try something similar with women and attempt to show that they brought it on by their behavior of dress. The attacker claims that the woman's appearance caused him to assume she wanted to have sex. The sad part is that it makes the victim the guilty party, the defendant the victim, and relieves the defendant of their responsibility in the attack."

"We have time for one more question," said Mr. Kline.

I was asked about the sentencing and the statement process.

"I think that the ability to give a statement to the defendant and the court is very important. It allows you to speak your mind and free yourself of a lot of pent-up emotions. However, I also think that great care needs to go into the statement. Mine was reviewed by several people as I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just a personal attack."

Mr. Kline came up on the stage, "I want to thank you all for coming here, and I want to thank Erika for being so forthcoming and honest with us."

There was a standing ovation. I felt rather embarrassed by it all, and I could feel myself blushing. I also felt relieved that I was able to get through this and that it was so well received.

As people were leaving, Mr. Kline told me what a good job I had done. I told him that I felt exhausted but at the same time exhilarated. He smiled knowingly. He told me that he'd give me a copy of the tape.

During lunch, everyone told me what a good job I had done.

"I was impressed with how professionally you handled the questions about Jason. I would have trashed him if I were in your place," exclaimed Tracey.

"The idea crossed my mind, but I decided to stay on the high road."

Cat leaned over and smiled. "I'm impressed with how you so calmly outed yourself in front of the whole school."

She was right; without really thinking about it, I had told everyone there that I was transgendered. Only a handful of friends had known the truth before today. I knew many others suspected that I might be transgendered, but I had just removed all doubt.

"That wasn't planned," I said softly. I was kicking myself internally. I had been identified as transgender in the trial, but that was different.

"Planned or not, there is no backing away now. Still, I think it was wonderful. We are all proud of you and will stand by you no matter what happens," commented Cat.

"I agree with Cat," Laura concurred as she took my hand.

"Look, Erika, it isn't that shocking, and your friends will stick with you," added Kristen.

"Thanks," I said. I wondered if this would affect my standing in the scholarship. Should I talk to Ms. B or just hope that she didn't catch what I said? I decided to talk to her.

I stopped by Ms. B's office after school. I was a little nervous. I wasn't sure what her reaction was going to be. She had me sit down.

"First, let me say that you did a great job this morning. I was very proud of you."

"Thanks. This morning is part of the reason why I'm here."

She was smiling knowingly at me. "I was expecting this visit."

"I didn't plan on telling the school that I'm transgendered; it just came out," I apologized nervously.

"Yes, it did, but in case you are worried, I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. I expect to receive a few phone calls, but nothing more serious. You have seen experts, and you have documented proof of your status. I don't see why this should be a problem. Besides, if this was a secret, it was one of the worst kept secrets in Central High's history. I must say that I was very impressed with the matter-of-fact way you said it."

"Actually, it didn't hit me until Cat mentioned it to me at lunch," I replied meekly.

"What else is on your mind?" she asked.

"Does this change my status as far as the scholarship is concerned?" I asked. I anxiously bit my lower lip.

She smiled and shook her head. "There's nothing in the rules that would disqualify you. I imagine that it may cause future rule changes, but that won't affect you or any other student this year."

I sat there and breathed a sigh of relief. I then looked at Ms. B. "I've caused you a lot of extra work this year!"

"Yes, you have, but you've helped make this the best year ever for the competition. There will be changes in next year's contest. All to make it better for the contestants."

"You mean like what happened with Dan?"

"Yes. Your class is entering uncharted waters. We need to pay attention to the needs of all the contestants."

"What will happen this year if all of us make it to the end?" I asked.

"That is still being discussed. Don't worry about it. This is the end of March, and we still have over two months of school left. A lot can happen between now and the end of school."

"Has Lisa talked to you yet today?" I asked.

"Yes, she has. We had a long talk this morning. She told me that it was your suggestion that she see me. Thank you for doing that. She'll be fine. We expected this to happen as the competition goes on."

"That's great. Can I ask you a personal question?" I asked.

She smiled. "Within reason."

"How did you decide that you wanted to do this job?" I asked.

"I started off as a teacher and found that I'd rather spend time helping students than teach science."

"I see, so will you be staying here?" I asked. There was a rumor that she was leaving at the end of this year.

"Yes, I've heard the rumors myself. Don't worry; those rumors are false. But I may be in a new job. Mrs. Lee wants me to become an assistant principal here next fall."

"Do you want to do that?" I asked.

"Well, my ultimate goal is to be a principal, so it would be a great career move. I haven't decided yet."

"I think you'd be a great principal!"

"Thank you, Erika."

I walked out of there much more relaxed.

I went to the locker room and changed so I could help Coach. It actually felt nice outside. Most of the snow was gone. There were still patches in the shady areas and, of course, the mountains of dirty black snow at the end of the parking lots. The ground wasn't frozen solid anymore, and the grass was turning green again. While we were out on the track, Coach pointed out some robins to me.

"I guess growing up in San Diego that doesn't hold as much significance to you, but when the robins arrive, we know that spring is here."

I watched the brown birds with the redbreasts hop across the football field. There was something joyful about it. It was good that spring was finally here.

I had a few things on my mind as I watched and recorded practice times. We had spring break coming up. Next week we had school and the following week we were off. There was also the fashion show, which was the following weekend. The Monday during the break, I had an appointment with my endocrinologist, and I would be starting hormones. And then there was the prom sales kick-off that weekend. That would take us well into April. Then there was the Prom on the third weekend of May, followed by finals three weeks later, and then graduation. It didn't seem possible that school would be over so soon.