Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 29

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After breakfast, I excused myself and went upstairs to shower and change. I stripped down and did a quick check of my chest. There was still no change, but considering that I'd only been on hormones for two weeks, that was expected. Still, a girl can hope! I also examined my scar and my crooked nose. I wondered if Dr. Ayres was serious about his offer.

The scar was like a battle honor. It had been my daily reminder of what Jason had done to me and how I'd survived. It had also served as physical proof to the rest of the world. Maybe I'd seen it as proof that I was really female because of what he had done to me. But now, I felt confident that I no longer needed it. I decided to talk to Mom about Dr. Ayres' offer in a few weeks. He had also suggested a cream I could get that would help the scar heal.

I wanted to see Laura and Cat share the great news. I got dressed in casual clothes. After my panties, bra, and inserts, I put on my new gray NYC t-shirt and then my overalls. It was getting warmer, but it was still too cool for sandals, and besides, it looked like rain. I went back into the bathroom and applied my makeup, and checked my hair. I smiled, thinking how it had taken me so long to just put on lipstick when I first got started.

I wanted to wait until after 11:00 before I called Laura and Cat. I went downstairs and finished the last chapters of "Cannery Row." When I reached the last page, I closed my eyes along with the book. I wanted to savor the story and the characters a bit longer. I snapped out of my thoughts of Monterey when I heard Sam calling me.

I got up and joined them in the kitchen. "We need to cover one more thing," explained Mom. "Do you have any objections to Sam moving in here?"

"No. None at all, and you really don't need to ask my permission."

Mom smiled. "I appreciate that dear. We just wanted to be sure that you're okay with all the changes going on."

It was my turn to smile. "Mom, you and Sam accept me undergoing a gender change. So what's the big deal about you two living together?"

Sam just chuckled and shook his head.

It was decided that Sam would keep his old place and use it as storage until his lease expired. Our house was big enough for the three of us, and it was an easy drive to work for both of them.

They left to go over to his place to pack up enough stuff for him to get by for a couple of days. Mom also wanted to clean out his fridge so that it didn't turn into a science experiment.

I called up Cat and Laura and told them that I had to see them. They arrived a little while later, and I could barely hold in my enthusiasm. I had to make Cat promise not to tell her mom.

"So what's the news?" asked Cat.

"Sam asked Mom to marry him! And he also wants to adopt me!" I exclaimed. My best friends were immediately hugging me.

"Erika Warren. It has a nice ring to it," commented Laura with a smile.

"I like the sound of it myself," nodded Cat.

"I don't even have to change my initials!" I quipped.

We decided to celebrate by going out to lunch. As we pulled into the parking lot of Guido's, we saw Alex's car. We walked in and saw Alex and Kristen sitting next to Mike and Tracey. They waved us over.

It was great being with them, as we all had a lot to catch up on. I told them about the return of the Red Hill girls and their parents.

Mike told us that he and Alex had gone to State U during break and had met with the coaches. He was pretty excited; it looked like he might get to play immediately as they had a real shortage of kick returners and defensive backs. Alex said that it looked like he might get red-shirted his first year as they had a lot of depth at quarterback. That meant he wouldn't play his first year. But he didn't seem too upset, as it would give him a year to get used to college ball. He said that quarterbacks needed more time to adjust to college than kick returners. Mike retorted that he was just jealous.

They all wanted to hear about my trip to New York. I passed my pictures around, and there were looks of disbelief from the guys when they saw the pictures of me with the models.

"No way! You really met her? Do you know this girl is in the latest SI swimsuit edition?" Mike was pointing to one woman in my photos.

Tracey glared at him. "I doubt that Erika has looked at that issue and, by the way, what were you doing looking at it?"

"Hey, babe, I just borrowed it from Alex. I was just reading the articles."

"Hey! Keep me out of this. I don't know what you're talking about!" Alex backpedaled, laughing.

Tracey and Kristen were staring silently at their boyfriends.

"I think they owe us an apology," growled Kristen. "I think they should take us out somewhere really nice for dinner on prom night. What do you think, Tracey?"

"Nice and expensive," added Tracey with a smile.

"So McDonald's is out?" offered Alex. "I promise that I'll supersize your meal!"

"Okay, we'll make reservations for here," replied Mike. He leaned over and kissed Tracey. We all started laughing.

"You know what would be really fun? If we all went to dinner together," suggested Kristen.

"I agree," added Tracey.

I looked at Laura and saw her nodding at me. "That sounds great. Cat, do you think Matt would like that?"

"Sure, that sounds cool," Cat concurred.

Kristen and Tracey both looked at Cat and smiled. "So tell us... who is this, Matt?"

Cat went on to tell everyone about Matt. I could tell that she was really in love with him. I was very happy for her.

Then Laura spoke up. "Erika also has some great news. Go on, tell them," she said, nudging me in the ribs.

I went on to tell them about Mom and Sam's engagement. They all congratulated me. Laura pointed out that I'd left something out.

"What is she talking about?" asked Alex.

"Sam is going to legally adopt me as his daughter!" Each time I said those words, I felt a warm glow throughout my body.

"That's so wonderful. We're so happy for you!" exclaimed Kristen.

We spent the next hour talking about all the changes in our lives. As with every time we were together lately, there was a feeling that we wanted time to slow down just so we could enjoy the moment a little longer. We made promises that we'd always get together, knowing deep down that it might never happen. You want to keep friends like these your whole life.

After lunch, we went back to my house. Mom and Sam had arrived just ahead of us. We helped them carry in Sam's stuff.

"A coffee pot? Do you mean you're going to try to convert the heathens?" asked Cat as she looked in the box she was carrying.

"Well, I feel it's my duty to help educate the closed-minded," smiled Sam.

"Never! You can have my teabags when you drag them from my cold dead hands!" I growled.

"Okay, Erika Heston, we see where you are coming from," quipped Cat.

We brought the stuff inside. Cat and Laura congratulated Mom and Sam.

"You haven't told your mom yet, have you, Cat?" asked Mom, as she set a box on the counter.

"No, I haven't. Erika made me promise to wait. But I know she's home right now."

Mom picked up the phone and called up Terri, and invited her over. I helped Sam carry some stuff upstairs.

"When are you buying your car?" asked Sam as he hung up his suits in the closet.

"Mom told you about our little bet? I really haven't thought about it much. I've been too excited to see you two together." I put the bags on the floor.

"I have to tell you that I fell for her the first time I saw her. It was very hard to keep a professional distance during the trial. It also gave me added incentive to win your case. I take all my cases seriously, but this was the first one that was really personal. I really wanted to win and put him away because he had hurt you," he confessed.

"I'm really happy that you accept me for who and what I am."

"I saw the real you during the trial process," he replied.

By the time we got downstairs, Terri had just come in, and Mom was telling her about the engagement. Terri immediately hugged Mom. She then went over and hugged Sam.

"This is wonderful. You two are a great couple," stated Terri. She looked over and saw Cat and Laura standing there. "I suppose you found out before me?"

"Not only that, but I heard some other good news before you!" added Cat.

"Sam is adopting Erika," said Mom.

"I figured I might as well go for broke!" added Sam. "I might as well go from bachelor to husband and father!"

Terri gave me a big hug. She then pulled Mom away to get the details on the wedding.

Cat, Laura, and I helped Sam get the rest of his stuff out of his car. There was a small side room off the living room. Mom and I had used it for storage, but now it would become Sam's office. He told me that he'd have a desk delivered later this week. It didn't take us that long to clean it out. We carried the boxes down to the basement and then joined Mom and Terri in the kitchen.

Sam found a space for his coffee machine on the counter. He seemed very pleased with himself as he started a pot. I actually like the smell of coffee. It's the taste that I've never really gotten used to, with cappuccino being an exception.

Laura had to take off to have dinner with her family, and I broke away from everyone else so I could kiss her goodbye.

"I'll pick you up in the morning, love." We then kissed goodbye.

It was my first day back from break, and I needed to see if we'd all made it back. I knew that there would be at least four of us. I'd seen Denise out in the parking lot as we pulled in. She had bleached her hair white and cut it shorter. Surprisingly she looked good that way. So there'd be at least four left. There was no doubt about Caroline and Ann had bought a prom dress. I looked around and saw Claire walking down the hall with her flute. I said hi, and she waved back. So we had five at least.

I hadn't seen Lisa yet, and I feared that she'd dropped out. I then saw Ann walking out of our restroom. I stopped and said hi. I asked if she'd seen Lisa, and she shook her head no. I ran out of time, and I had to go to homeroom.

"So?" asked Cat, as I sat down next to her.

"I don't know. I didn't see her or," I paused when I realized that I didn't know Lisa's male name.

"It's Glenn," said Cat, obviously reading my mind.

"Glenn?" I asked.

"Yes, Glenn. Well, you'll find out for sure when you get to American Lit."

The rest of the morning was tough. I didn't want Lisa to be gone. I didn't know Glenn. Lisa, on the other hand, was a good friend. This was hard, as this was the first time that the possibility of a contestant dropping out actually bothered me. I dreaded going into American Lit and seeing some boy who looked like my friend Lisa. I know that I should have wanted the numbers to shrink, but Lisa was my friend.

I looked for Lisa during lunch, but she was nowhere to be seen. No one else had seen her. The good news was that no one had seen Glenn either. I tried to enjoy lunch with my friends. I passed my photos around, and we talked about the prom.

I sat down in American Lit and saw the seat next to me was empty. It was Lisa's. Class started, and she was marked absent. I knew that I had to see Ms. B as soon as possible.

After school, I went immediately to Ms. B's office. She smiled and asked me in.

"It's good to see you, Erika. I heard that you had a wonderful time in New York with Aunt Silvia," remarked Ms. B with a sly smile. "We do have some things to talk about."

"I do have a lot of questions, but I'm worried about Lisa right now," I interrupted.

"Don't be. We had a call from her parents this morning. Their flight was delayed, and they didn't get back to Golden Hill until early morning. She'll be back in school tomorrow. You look very relieved."

"Yes, I was worried that she might have dropped out," I replied, feeling suddenly relieved.

"Wouldn't it serve your purposes better if she'd dropped out? She's your rival for the scholarship, you know."

"I don't care about that. Lisa is a friend."

"Very unselfish attitude," answered Ms. B with a smile, "not totally unexpected, however."

We talked a bit about my trip with Mrs. Lincoln, my health, and Mom's engagement. Ms. B brought up my conversation with Mrs. Lincoln on the ride to New York.

"I promise to keep what Mrs. Lincoln told me secretly."

"I know you will, and I appreciate that. The note was destroyed, so there is no proof. I've shared the truth with my family, including Tom Jr.," confessed Ms. B.

"How did he take it?"

"Like I did. He was sad that his father was unable to either get help or accept himself. He was also angry that society's pressures made his father feel like an outcast. He also decided that he'd do his part to change people's attitudes so others wouldn't suffer like his dad."

"Is that why he led the raid against Red Hill?" I asked.

"Yes, I think it had something to do with it. Thankfully, he works with the law now."

It was getting late, and I had to get to work. Ms. B gave me a ride home.

"I know that I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me this year," I stated as we pulled into my driveway.

"Your happiness is my reward," she replied.

I felt a lot better about everything as I walked into my house.

Mom dropped me off at work on her way to class. We were each on our own that night, as Sam had called and said that he'd be working late to prepare for a trial starting that week.

There were still girls coming in for dresses, but the frenzy was over. Mrs. Lincoln said it was the most successful sale ever, and I was happy to have been part of it. The night was spent helping Mel rearrange some displays. We worked well together since I was immune to her sarcasm, and I could give it back pretty well when I needed to.

My problems started when I took the trash outback. I felt a slight bit of fear as I walked back from dumping the trash. As I walked back to the store, I had a sudden sensation that I was in danger, and I had to fight the urge to run back to the store. I didn't freak out or anything, but it did bother me. I did feel my heart pounding as I walked very quickly back into the store.

Once inside, the feeling of fear went away as fast as it had arrived. I went back to the front of the store as if nothing had happened, but there must have been something in the way I looked or acted that gave me away. Cindy asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, but I knew that she didn't believe me. The rest of the evening passed without any problems.

On the drive home, Cindy brought it up again. "Okay, Erika, what happened?"

I explained the feeling of sudden panic in the hallway.

"I want you to tell Jenny about this. You still have a long road ahead of you," she ordered in a very serious tone.

"Did you have a similar experience?" I asked.

"Yes, I had some things to deal with. My recovery was very cyclic, and I went through massive ups and downs. It was a bit frustrating at times. Basically, what I want to tell you is that you need to stay in therapy. It will really help you."

I wanted to ask her more questions, but I didn't want to pry. Maybe she could sense my questions as I sat there in silence.

"Look, why don't we get together and talk about this some time? I know you have a group on Saturdays, so why don't I pick you up afterward, and we can go somewhere private and talk about it?" she offered as she pulled into our driveway.

"I appreciate it; that sounds like a great idea," I said. I gave her a big hug and then walked into the house. Thankfully there was no return of the panic I had felt earlier.

To be honest, I was getting fed up with the group. There was too much anger and living in the past in many of them. It had helped me through the worst after the attack. I wanted to move on with my life and not dwell on the past. I wanted to talk to someone like Cindy one on one.

When I got inside, I found Mom and Sam set out dinner. They'd both just gotten home, and neither had eaten. They'd had just cooked a pot of spaghetti, and it smelled great. I was also hungry, as I'd only had a cup of tea at work.

We talked about our day as we got dinner ready. I prepared the salad and told them that Cindy and I would be meeting after the group on Saturday. I didn't tell them about my little panic attack, as I saw no reason to make them worry.

Mom was really enjoying her classes. She said that she was thinking about going for her MBA, especially if her company would pick up most of the tuition. Sam headed that he thought it was a great idea as he poured her a glass of red wine.

"Terri is thinking about doing the same thing, so we could study together," said Mom, as she took a sip of her wine. "Mmm... that's really good!"

"That would be great. When I start classes, we could form our own sorority!" I quipped.

Sam just shook his head, "That'd be great for my image. I can see the headlines now, 'DA Moves into Sorority House!'" he joked as he sliced the bread.

Dinner was great. I didn't mind that it was so late. Just sitting there with Mom and Sam felt so good. It was worth the wait to have a complete family.

I woke up with a start around 3:00 AM. At first, I was completely disoriented and panicky. It took me a second to calm down and reassure myself that everything was okay. I'd just come out of a horrific nightmare. In it, I was back in Jason's van. I was taped up, and he was about to attack me again. It seemed so real. I turned on my light and had to see that it was just a bad dream. I then noticed that I was soaked in sweat. I got up and got a drink of water, and changed my PJs.

I'd had many nightmares about the attack before, but they'd never felt so real. The last one had been during the trial. Combined with the earlier panic attack at work, I was really worried. Was I about to have a second collapse? Three in the morning is a great time for personal fears to sink in. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I went to an old ally to force my fears away. But bringing up my hatred for Jason only made me feel worse. Was I becoming as bitter and angry as Dana and some of the others?

I didn't want to try to sleep, afraid of another nightmare, and I was debating on what to do next when I heard Mom at my door.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked. She walked in and sat down on my bed.

I went on to tell her about my nightmare and the earlier incident. I expected her to give me grief over not telling her about the incident at work, but she said nothing. She just sat there and put her arm around me, and listened to me. I felt better talking about it with her and soon felt very sleepy.

I woke up at my regular time. I was tired, but I felt calm. I showered and dressed and went downstairs for breakfast.

Mom and Sam were already downstairs. I could smell the aroma of Sam's coffee. It instantly made me feel safe and secure. To this day, the smell of coffee in the morning is very comforting, even if I still drink tea.

I greeted them and sat down at the table. From the concerned looks on their faces, I knew they'd been talking about me.

"I'm calling Jenny this morning," stated Mom. I knew from the serious tone of her voice that this was not subject to discussion.

"I understand," I replied. I had a regular meeting with her after school, but I knew that it was important that she knew what had happened. "I know I should have told you about work last night. I just didn't want you to worry, and I thought it was a one-time incident."

"You can always talk to us about everything, Erika," reminded Mom, "It's our job to worry about you."

"Erika, you are very important to us. Seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness," added Sam.

I got up and hugged both of them. Thankfully I held back my tears.

"I'm so grateful that I have such understanding parents. I want to make one thing very clear, that this relapse or whatever it was had nothing to do with you, Dad."

"I know that hon," he replied

That was the first time I called Sam "Dad." It felt very good. I could tell that it got to him too: his grin was a mile wide.

Cat sensed that something was wrong, but she waited for me to bring it up. Laura looked upset as I told them what had happened.

"You may want to lose your hatred of Jason, but I wish he was dead," uttered Laura. I'd never heard such bitterness in her voice.

"Look... no need for you guys to be upset. I'll get through this. I won't try to carry this whole weight on my shoulders like last time."

"You've got that right," added Cat. "I know that I don't really need to say this, but if you need to talk, regardless of the time, call me."

"That goes double for me," smiled Laura.

"Thanks. Now do me a favor and keep this between us, okay?" I asked.

We pulled into the student lot and made our way to homeroom. I was happy to see Lisa as we entered the school. We agreed to talk during American Lit.

Laura and I kissed goodbye. I told her that I needed her more than ever. She smiled and said she felt the same way. I felt better as I walked into homeroom. Paul was in full-class clown mode. He was finishing telling some story that had everyone laughing. Even though we had broken up months ago, we still cared a lot about each other. He obviously sensed that I was troubled, and he tried to cheer me up. I think that he still felt some guilt about the attack. He came up and modeled the t-shirt that I'd bought him in NYC. He did some silly poses, and I had to admit that it made me laugh.

The rest of my day went pretty well. Being around people was the best medicine, and I felt better as the day progressed.

Lisa and I had a good talk at lunch. She told me that her family had flown down to Washington, DC, during a break. Her father was being offered a job, and they'd turned his interview into a short vacation.

"So, if he gets the job, when will you move?" I asked.

"He'll go there by himself, then Mom and the rest of us will join him after I graduate. They want me to finish high school here," she replied.

"Are you staying in the contest?" I asked.

"Yes, for now anyway. I'm having some second thoughts," she confessed.

"Well, do what is right for you. I'll be your friend either way." I made no effort to talk her into staying in. It would have to be her choice.

"Thanks, Erika; I appreciate that you'll always be my friend regardless of my decision!"

I sat there for a moment then spoke. "You need to decide what feels good for yourself. You know, better than I, that the class will support your decision."

"So you wouldn't care if I came to school as Glenn tomorrow?" she asked.

"I'd miss Lisa, but I figure that Glenn would be a great friend too."

"Thanks," she said.

I had no idea of what decision she was going to make. But I knew that it was important that she makes the choice that would make her happiest.

After school, I met Mom, and she drove me over to see Jenny. We talked about my day at school and how I felt. I knew Mom was more concerned than she showed. After all, she'd skipped her class that night so she could be with me.

Jenny met us in the reception area and walked me back to her office. I was afraid that she was about to put huge restrictions on my life again, or even worse, blame this on Sam moving in.

She had me tell her what had happened, and she allowed me to express my fears. I was relieved that she said that she'd let me go on with my present schedule. She also said that Sam's being there was obviously good for me. I then asked her why I suddenly had these incidents after going for weeks with no problems. She went on to tell me again about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Rape Trauma Syndrome.

"Erika, anytime a person goes through a traumatic experience, the effects can be very long-lasting. Having fears and nightmares are very common. I can't promise that they will go away. I'll try and help you learn to live with them."

"So, I may have these sorts of things the rest of my life?" I asked, dreading her answer.

"I can't answer that. But I want you to know that this is part of the healing process and that it isn't your fault. We accept residual pain as part of recovery from an injury to our bodies. It's more difficult to accept it when it's to our mind and soul," she answered.

We talked more about what was going on and how I should try to cope with my fears and nightmares. I was happy that she didn't talk down to me or treat me like a kid. I also accepted that I'd need her for a long time. She thought that seeing Cindy would be a good idea and it would help us both.

We talked much longer than normal, but she felt it was necessary. We made an appointment for the following week, and she told me to call her if I needed to. I promised that I'd do as she asked.

I spent a quiet night at home, not planning on staying up too late. I needed a good night's sleep. I talked to Laura for a while and then traded a few e-mails with Cat. I hoped that their strength would carry me through this rough spot.

Once again, my sleep was shattered by nightmares that forced me to relive what Jason had done to me. This time it was more horrible as it diverted from what had actually happened. I was on the ground, and Jason was holding a knife to my throat. I fought back this time, and I saw the knife being raised and being slammed down towards my throat. I screamed and woke in my darkened room. I was breathing heavily, my heart was pounding, and my face was wet with sweat. I fumbled for the light and was relieved to see that I was in my room. The feeling of panic began to subside.

I sat there for a second and was startled by Mom opening my door. I managed to smile when she looked in.

"Sorry." I wiped the tears from my face.

She came in and sat next to me. "Tell me about it."

I told her about the nightmare. I hadn't realized at first that I had actually screamed. I was worried that my behavior would negatively affect their relationship.

"I guess Sam is having second thoughts about moving in with you and your crazy daughter."

"No, he isn't," answered Sam. He was standing in my doorway. "You're not crazy, Erika; please don't say that again."

I looked up and smiled; it was either that or start crying, "Okay, Dad." I cannot express what his support meant to me.

They sat up with me for a little while. I told them that I was better and that they should go back to bed. I then went back to bed and thankfully had no more nightmares.

Jenny had told me that I might have a series of nightmares. She'd said that it could last a few days or go on much longer. I was beginning to see the real hideous nature of Jason's crime. He'd violated me in more ways than I had imagined.

I decided to maintain the open lines of communication between myself and Cat and Laura. Cat found the fact that the latest dream deviated from reality very interesting.

"In the actual attack, you didn't initially resist, and in your dream, you tried to fight him, and he obviously was going to kill you," explained Cat.

"Thanks, I feel much better now, Dr. Hawkins," I quipped.

"Okay, smartass, what if this means you're trying to work out any guilt you have over not fighting back?" asked Cat. She then cracked a smile.

"Well then, I now know that initially screaming would have been a bad idea. So what do you think suddenly caused this?" I asked.

"Save that question for Jenny," suggested Cat. "Seriously... you should keep a journal and write all this down, including the dreams."

"I will. Thanks for caring."

"Do you really think that dreams have real meaning?" asked Laura.

"I don't know. But I do know that those nightmares were very realistic," I answered.

"I think they have meaning if we want them to," added Cat.

"Changing the subject, are you sticking around this afternoon to help Coach Chambers?" asked Laura.

"Yes. Jenny told me that I could keep my regular schedule. Why?" I asked.

"Just wondering if you want a ride home or not. I have to stick around for a couple of hours today. The prom committee needs my expert leadership!" she stated with a large dose of sarcasm.

"That would be nice, thanks," I replied. I suspected that something was up but kept silent.

The weather was really nice. It was sunny and warm, and there was a nice breeze blowing. I was wearing a khaki skirt, a blue top and my school jacket. I'd also taken my sandals out of their winter hibernation. They felt good and served as a promise of warmer weather.

During homeroom, I was given a pass to see Ms. B. I figured that it had something to do with my latest problems. Sure enough, Ms. B wanted me to know that she was there to help.

I sat down in her office. This was one of my safe havens. We all have places where we know that we are safe, or at least feel safe. Now I knew why she, along with a few other teachers, had a Safe Zone sticker on her door. This was a sign to any student that they had a refuge.

I proceeded to tell her about my nightmares and the panic attack. I really appreciated all my friends' concerns and help, but at the same time, I felt a little embarrassed by it. I was also a bit afraid that my continuing problems would have a negative effect on my friends and family. Yes, I know this was dumb, but those sorts of things go through your head at times like that.

"By the way, there will be a special meeting at lunch tomorrow for the group," said Ms. B.

I looked at her and wondered what she meant by 'special meeting.' I knew that it was pointless to ask, so I didn't bother.

The rest of school went by without any problems. My problems weren't being around people; it was when I was alone that they arrived. The only side effect of my problems was that I was tired most of the time. I was desperate for a good night's sleep.

Helping Coach during practice was fun, and by afternoon the weather was beautiful, making it a pleasure to be outside. Maybe you need a harsh winter to really appreciate the nice days. This would have been a typical day in San Diego, and I doubt that most of us there would have given it much thought. Coach kept me busy, and I was darting around from one part of the practice field to another. I didn't mind, as I was having too much fun just being out with the team.