Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 30

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After practice, I changed and caught up with Laura. She told me about all the politics going into the planning for the prom. I haven't talked a lot about Laura's role as class president all that much. She's a very effective leader, however. She didn't try to do everything herself and had delegated a lot of tasks to the rest of the student government. She told me that she really enjoyed being in charge and bringing order to chaos. The class had been wise to elect her.

She drove me home, and we went over to see Cat. We sat up in her room and talked.

"Erika, I just got a new cell phone, and I want you to call me if you have another nightmare. Don't worry about waking me up." I knew that this wasn't just being said out of politeness; Cat didn't function that way. She wrote the number down and handed it to me.

I took the card and put it in my purse. "Thanks." There was much I could have said, but it was unnecessary with Cat. I knew by Laura's reaction that they were both in on this.

Cat showed me some websites about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Rape Trauma Syndrome. Jenny had given me a list that included some of these sites during my collapse after the trial. Cat went to one and pointed out a section to me showing the importance of being around loved ones and friends.

"We're going to be with you through this. Never, ever doubt that" reiterated Cat.

"And don't worry about this affecting us. If anything, I love you even more," added Laura.

I sat there for a second and tried to stay composed. I knew that if I started to talk, I'd start crying.

"It's okay to cry Erika, chicks are allowed to do that." Cat smiled.

I followed her suggestion and had a really good soul-cleansing cry while Laura and Cat held me; I could feel their strength being passed on to me.

The release of emotion felt good. It wasn't as draining as responding to the nightmares; in some ways, it made me stronger. I excused myself to wash my face. Thankfully I didn't have a lot of makeup on, so I didn't have 'raccoon eyes' from mascara. The cold water worked wonders.

Cat asked if Laura and I wanted to stay for dinner. I figured that Laura already had permission. It wouldn't surprise me if Mom and Terri were in on this conspiracy. I called Mom up, and she said that it was a great idea.

Thankfully our dinner conversation had nothing to do with my issues. We just had a normal talk about school, the prom, college, etc. - nothing too deep or serious. Terri did bring up the upcoming wedding. Mom had asked her to help plan it, and she was determined to make it into a memorable event. Actually, the term she used was the 'Social Event of the Year.' I wasn't sure that Mom wanted something that big, but it was fun to plan. Mom had asked Terri to be the maid of honor. I thought that was appropriate, as she'd become as close as a sister to Mom. Much like Cat and I.

Terri then brought up Sam and Mom's trip to Philadelphia in three weeks. Sam had a conference there, and Mom was going with him. It would allow her to meet his family. I was happy that they were going.

"You know you can sleep here, Erika; we have a guest room," suggested Terri.

"She can sleep in my room. I do have a second bed," added Cat.

"Do you think you can have it excavated by then? You only have three weeks!" quipped Terri. Cat's second bed was usually covered with clothes and books.

"That sounds great," I agreed. I knew that I really didn't have a say in this, even if it was an offer. Besides, I really didn't want to be alone while they were away.

We helped clean up after dinner, and then I went home. Cat and Laura walked over with me. I didn't argue with them. I was happy that I had such good friends.

I hugged Cat and then kissed Laura goodbye. Mom and Sam were sitting at the kitchen table having coffee. I shook my head in mock disbelief. "You converted her!"

"Yes, and you are next!" said Sam in a monotone, trying to sound like one of the Borg. "Resistance is futile."

I walked over and turned on the kettle, and took out the tin that we kept our teabags in. I reached in and took out a bag of my dream tea. Maybe the chai spice black tea would counter any nightmares. I opened the envelope that held the bag and took a deep sniff. I dramatically held up the tea bag and placed it slowly in my mug.

"Never!" I pledged.

"On a more serious note, do you think that you should be drinking that this late?" asked Mom.

"Jenny suggested that I try to go on as normally as possible. Besides, tea doesn't keep me awake, unlike coffee," I quipped, getting in one more salvo. Sam rolled his eyes, then winked at me.

"Okay, I'm just being the concerned mother," Mom stated with a smile.

"Mom, I appreciate that. Speaking of concern, whose idea was the dinner next door?" I asked.

"It was a group idea," confessed Mom. "I want to say that you're lucky to have such loyal friends."

"I know," I answered. The water began to boil, and I filled my mug.

I told them about my staying with Terri and Cat while they were in Philadelphia.

"You have no objections?" asked Mom.

"None at all. It'll be fun" I finished preparing my tea and joined them at the table.

"I promise that I'll take you on our next trip down there. I'll love showing you around," offered Sam.

"Will you take me to a real cheesesteak place?" I asked.

"You bet!" he said, "I'll take you down to a place in South Philly. I'll also introduce you to real Philadelphia sticky buns." He then explained what a cheesesteak was to Mom. She looked disgusted by the idea of eating something like that. This from the woman who'd taught me to eat fish tacos!

We talked a while longer, and then I went to bed. I hoped that I'd have a restful night. I took out Cat's number and placed it next to my phone. I hoped that I wouldn't need it.

I found myself in the dumpster again. My wrists were taped behind my back,

and I was struggling to get out. The walls of the dumpster were much higher, and this made it more difficult to get out. With great effort, I made it out and fell to the ground. When I got up, I saw Jason's van driving towards me. I tried to run, but my legs wouldn't move. The van was just about on top of me when I woke up.

As before, I was breathing hard, and my heartfelt like it would jump out of my chest. I was also soaked in sweat. I regained control and was comforted by knowing that it was just a bad dream. Still, it had me badly shaken. I glanced over at the clock and saw that it was 3:45 AM. I sat up, reached over, and turned on the light. I found Cat's number, and after a moment's hesitation, I called her.

The phone rang, and I heard Cat's voice. "How bad was this one?" she asked.

I told her what had happened. She was very compassionate and did her best

to make me feel at ease. We talked for thirty minutes, and then I felt good enough to try to get a bit more sleep. I thanked her for being there for me.

At breakfast, I told Mom and Sam about my latest nightmare and my conversation with Cat. Mom was a bit peeved at me for not waking her but also grateful that I had at least sought help. She also said that she was going to call Jenny again. I didn't argue.

"Do you feel up to going to school?" asked Mom.

"School isn't a problem; neither is work," I replied.

"Speaking of work, I want to give you a lift there tonight," offered Sam.

"I'd like that. Thanks, Dad."

Cat had updated Laura that morning on my latest nocturnal horror show. She

looked very worried, and I tried to reassure her that I was okay. Cat told me that she had e-mailed me my descriptions of the nightmare, so I could show Jenny the next time I saw her.

I went to school and tried to act as if nothing was wrong. That was hard. Part of me didn't want anyone to know about my problems due to pride and fear of being ridiculed. Another part wanted everyone to know. The real me was somewhere in between.

Classes were going pretty well. American Lit was the only class that I had a big project in. I'd read both books and had actually started the paper, even though it wasn't due for two weeks. The rest of my classes were pretty easy. I had a photo essay to finish up, but I still had a few weeks. Child development was a breeze now, and all I had left was a critical book review to write. And in Mr. Kline's class, I had pretty much wrapped up an A, thanks to my lecture.

I ran into Caroline on the way to the meeting with Ms. B. Cat, and Laura had

told her about my problems. I didn't mind, as Caroline and I had always shared our problems. I asked her to keep it a secret from the rest of the group. I also figured that Caroline was in with Laura and Cat to watch over me.

We were first to the meeting. I asked Caroline if she'd noticed any changes from the hormones. She said that she hadn't seen any yet.

Ms. B came in and said hi. She then told us that our group would need a new name. I immediately thought about Lisa. Before I could ask her, Lisa and Denise walked in together, followed by Ann.

"Claire dropped out?' asked Caroline, her voice showing her disbelief.

"Yes, Charlie called me last night. Apparently, he'd just found out that he's been awarded a full scholarship and grant to study music in New York City. He said that there was no need for him to stay in the competition," explained Ms. B.

I was stunned. I thought Claire had looked the most feminine of anyone in the group. I'd also thought that she might have been the third person. I was also amazed at how quickly Ms. B could shift in gender when talking about her. It took me much longer to make the change.

There was a long silence in the group. I didn't know her that well, but she

was nice. On the other hand, it was cool that she'd gotten a scholarship.

"How about Fab Five?" asked Caroline.

We all agreed that it was a good name. Denise said that if we dropped to four, it would be easy enough to change. That made us all smile a little, even if it was morbid gallows humor. I felt a bit down about Claire dropping out. When we lost someone now, it was like there'd been a death in the family.

"I have something for each of you," said Ms. B. She then handed us each a large envelope.

Inside were 8x10 glossy photos from the fashion show. There were several of me in the wedding dress and one in each of the other outfits. There was also a photo of me with everyone else. The one that I liked best was the one with me tossing the bouquet.

We all looked at each other's photos. There was a slip to order duplicates. The bouquet shot was very popular.

"Now, we still have a few things in store for you remaining contestants. First off, you'll be required to go to Prom. I know that most of you have already figured that out. In two weeks, you'll be working as waitresses at the charity fundraiser."

She went on to explain that every year the town held a fancy charity dinner to raise funds for some civic cause. It was a black-tie event, and in addition to the meal, there was a charity auction. I'd heard them talking about this at work. It would be our next big rush. It was also a tradition for the high school senior class to provide the waitresses. Each group, club, and the team was expected to provide volunteers. Of course, we were all volunteered. Additionally, the school would ask for volunteers. The guys didn't get out of this as they served as waiters and busboys. She told us we would have a meeting with all the workers next week.

There were some groans, but I thought it would be fun until I realized that Mom and Sam would most likely be there, along with Mrs. Lincoln! Still, it should be fun.

Sam waited downstairs as I changed for work. Even though I'd have to change again once I was at work, I knew that Mrs. Lincoln didn't approve of staff arriving in jeans. I slipped on a floral pattern dress and some heels. I was actually used to wearing them now.

On the way over to work, Sam and I talked. He told me that Jenny wanted to see me on Saturday. I was expecting something like that. I was also pleased that he was showing concern for me. Then I brought up the charity dinner and how I would be working as a waitress.

"Well, now I have another reason to attend. It's a great deal of fun, and you'll have a great time."

Sam walked me into the mall. He claimed that he wanted to meet my co-workers, but I knew that he wanted to look after me. I didn't mind, as it was cool showing off my new dad.

I introduced him to Cindy and Mel, and I went back to change. I stopped first at Mrs. Lincoln's office and knocked at her door.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Lincoln, but I have someone upfront that I'd like you to meet."

"Who is that, my dear?" she asked.

"My dad, Sam Warren, the DA," I stated with a sense of pride.

"Well, that's someone I want to meet. Thank you for telling me." I saw her look at her watch, and I got the hint to get ready for work. "Erika, I do want to talk to you later this evening,"

"Yes, Mrs. Lincoln," I answered. Obviously, Ms. B had talked to her.

I went back and changed to my dress for the evening. It was a nice light spring dress. I had to admit that wearing it made me feel better.

I walked out and saw Sam talking to Mrs. Lincoln. Not surprisingly, they got along quite well. Sam let out a low whistle when I joined them. I felt my face blush. He told me that he'd pick me up after work.

Mel and Cindy were very impressed with Sam. When Cindy and I were alone, she

talked to me a little about her case. The DA who'd prosecuted it didn't do a good job, in her opinion.

"From everything I've heard about Sam, I wish he'd worked my case. You still on for Saturday?" asked Cindy.

"Yes, I really need to talk with you," I stated.

Mrs. Lincoln didn't give me the strict talking to that I'd expected. Instead, she showed her concern and told me that if I needed time off that it wouldn't be a problem. I told her that work was something I looked forward to and that Jenny had agreed that it was good for me.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you at the charity dinner," added Mrs. Lincoln as I walked out of her office. I was happy to see Ms. B was keeping everyone well informed.

Work went well. Mel had me assist her in the display of the gowns for the big charity dinner. She told me that she'd been a waitress for the dinner when she was a senior. She said that it was a lot of fun, and in some ways, it was seen as an honor to work there.

Mel offered to take the trash out, but I insisted on doing it. She played lifeguard and watched as I walked to the exit and the dumpster. As I tossed the bag in, I felt a sudden sensation of fear. It was as if I had to get away from there. I remembered the "fight or flight" lecture from biology. I was determined to beat this, so I walked back, fighting my urge to run. I was angry that I had these feelings popping up for no apparent reason.

Mel asked if I was okay. I said that I was a bit shaky, but I'd survive. She told me that she would dump the trash from now on.

"Please, let me do it. If I give in to this, then what is next?" I pleaded.

She smiled and nodded, "You're almost as stubborn as I am."

Sam picked me up, and I told him about my incident. He was silent at first.

"I feel sorry for what you're going through. In my career, I've seen a lot of the negative effects of crime on victims and their families. I'm very proud of the way you're fighting through this and that you're not giving up."

"That means a lot to me, coming from you. I'm so glad you're here."

"I have faith that this will pass. You're stronger than you know."

I wished I had as much faith as he did.

Mom told me that she'd made an appointment for me with Jenny for Saturday afternoon at 2:00. I nodded and told her what had happened at work. I had promised myself not to keep these things secret.

Thankfully I had a night's sleep without nightmares. I hoped that it might be over for now, but deep down, I knew that was too good to be true.

I saw Charlie for the first time at school, and he was just as shy as Claire. I walked by the display and saw the photos of the Fab Five. Denise's picture looked nothing like her; in fact, we all looked different. When I looked at the pictures taken back in the fall, I saw boys in dresses. Now I saw five teenage girls. I still wondered who was the third. Was it Ann, Denise, or Lisa?

I helped at the track meet that afternoon. I saw Laura in the bleachers and waved to her. I was looking forward to our date and a trip to Spencer's. I wanted to be in her arms so badly. I thought about kissing her and the feel of her touch. I had to quickly refocus on the task at hand. I couldn't miss the times in the sprints because I was lusting after Laura!

It was still cool in the evenings, and I needed a jacket. Normally a high school jacket in a college area coffeehouse would be a fashion blunder, but Central High jackets were always met with smiles. Even the students who were from other areas knew about our school's more progressive views.

I need to include something that had happened at a previous visit to Spencer's. Laura and I had been sitting there when a couple of guys asked us about the scholarship program. They seemed very interested in the program.

"Are you friends with any of the contestants?" asked one guy.

"Yes, I know a few of them," answered Laura, holding back a laugh.

"Well, it would be cool if they'd come here sometime. Tell them that they are welcome here anytime," he replied.

"I'll be sure to pass that on," I added.

After they left, we broke out in giggles.

Anyway, back to Friday evening. We sat on a different couch as our normal spot was taken. Laura asked me if I had sprouted yet. I smiled and said, not yet.

"I don't believe you; I'll have to check myself," she joked.

We got up and checked out the bulletin board. There were always interesting postings. What caught my attention was a poster for The Downfall of Humanity. I noticed the change in the name. They had underlined the 'the fall of man' in their name, and I smiled at the inside joke. Everyone in the band was a woman except Denise, and with her, who knew!

As we stood there, two women came up and pointed to the poster. They said that they were pretty good. I smiled and said I wished I could see them again.

"I guess they really are better," Laura remarked to me.

"Have you heard them lately?" asked one of the women, overhearing her comments.

"No, we know the drummer, and the last time we saw them, they were a work in

progress," I added.

"Well, they're really good now. So you know Denise? That's cool, she's a great drummer, but she I wish she was a bit more butch," said the second girl.

We both laughed, and I told Laura that I couldn't wait to tell Denise that.

Back at Laura's, we went up to her room to play around. She was very interested in my changes. We decided to photograph me each week to document any changes. She took my photo from the waist up using her digital camera. Of course, my top and bra were off.

After the picture, she led me to her bed. "No sense in letting this opportunity go to waste," she said, and we began to kiss. I felt her hands on my chest. She gently stroked my nipples, much like she had shown me. It felt good, but I still didn't get a big reaction out of it. She unbuttoned her blouse and took it off, followed by her bra. We made out and cuddled for almost an hour. At ten, we stopped and got dressed.

"My parents are cool about us, but I don't think they're ready to see me half-naked and making out with you," she said with a laugh. As we dressed, she looked at me and smiled. "I really love you, Erika."

"I love you too, Laura," I told her about my thoughts during the track meet.

She got a thrill out of that.

Laura drove me home, and we talked about my schedule for Saturday. I said that I'd call when I got home from seeing Jenny. I hoped for a calm, restful night.

She dropped me off, and we kissed for a long time. "Sweet dreams," she said

as I got out of the car.

I hoped that she was right. I went inside and found that Mom and Sam were still out. That wasn't a problem, as I didn't feel uneasy about being alone. I did turn on the TV for noise as I made a mug of tea.

I did some channel surfing and settled on an old movie. It was some detective story, and it had been shot in New York. I decided to watch and see if I recognized any places. I suddenly recognized the actor that I'd met in NYC. It was one of his early roles before he became famous. He was questioning two 'working women' in a sleazy bar. He asked them about the crime he was investigating. They both looked familiar. I couldn't place them at first, but then I recognized them. The redhead was Violet from the party, and the blonde looked like Mrs. Lincoln! It wasn't a great movie, but I stuck with it until the credits. Thankfully they included the supporting cast. Sure enough, the redhead was Violet Shaw, and someone named Sylvia Stone played the blonde. The first name matched, and that was too much of a coincidence. I looked in the TV guide and saw that it was being repeated at 3:00 AM. I found a blank tape and set the timer. I really wanted to have a copy of this!

I went upstairs and checked the Internet and found some listings for Sylvia Stone. There were several listings for bit parts in movies, along with many plays and musicals. I printed out the list. This was pretty cool. I wondered what other secrets Mrs. Lincoln had?

My phone rang, and it was Mom telling me that they'd be home soon. I held off going to bed until they got in. I changed into my pj's and bunny slippers and put on my robe. I went back downstairs and turned on the TV again. I was fighting to stay awake when they came in. I said good night and went to bed.

I was back at work and was walking down the back hallway. I walked out the exit and was approaching the dumpster. I was surprised to find a crowd of people looking into it. They didn't seem to notice me as I approached. I couldn't make out any details on the people, as they were all blurry. I could hear them talking and pointing into the dumpster. No one seemed to notice my presence. I moved through the crowd and looked in. I saw what looked like the body of a young woman, her hands were taped behind her back, and she appeared to be dead.

At first, she seemed to be all fuzzy and out of focus, almost like when they blur out the face of a suspect on TV. Slowly her face came sharper into focus. I gasped in horror, it was my face.

I tried to pull back but couldn't. I turned away, and suddenly I was the one lying there in the dumpster. Everyone was now looking at me and taking photos, and writing down notes. The other people became clearer, and I could see that they were policemen. I heard one say, "I think she's been dead for five hours."

I tried to move but couldn't. I tried to talk and then scream, but nothing came out. I wanted to let them know I was alive. I couldn't move or talk. They pulled me out of the dumpster, totally limp, and set me on a gurney. They examined me and discussed the cause of my death. I saw them probing around my throat. One said that it looked like a hunting knife caused it. I tried to scream or move or anything, but nothing worked. They then began to cover me up with a sheet, and that is when I woke up.

I was crying hysterically as I threw back the sheets on my bed. I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. I fumbled for the light and almost knocked it over. The light cut into the darkness and made me feel safer. Slowly I gained emotional control and began telling myself that it was only a dream. I began to repeat this over and over again as if the words would make me feel better.

Reaching for the notebook that Cat had given me, I began to write furiously in it. I wanted to record all the details before they faded. The dream was so vivid and detailed. I actually reached up to my throat to feel for a wound. I was so engrossed in my writing that I failed to notice my door opening.

"You all right, honey?" asked Mom.

I looked up at her, and it must have been obvious that I'd had another bad one. Mom came in and sat on my bed next to me. Her arm around me made me feel much better. I explained my dream and handed her the notebook.

"That must be why I've freaked out so many times while I was dumping the trash. There must be some association in my mind between how Jason dumped me and the dumpster at work," I announced.

"That sounds logical," added Mom. She then pulled me closer to her. I began to cry softly again. Mom didn't say a word; she just held me and stroked my head.

I woke up later, and I was back under my covers. I checked the clock and saw that it was after 10:00 AM. I was about to jump out of bed in a panic when Mom walked back in. I guess I fell asleep in her arms.

"I called Karen Buford and Cindy and canceled your meetings. They totally understood why you couldn't see them today. I also talked to Jenny about what happened."

"Thanks. I can't believe that I slept this late."

"Jenny will be here at noon; you have plenty of time to shower and eat."

I took her up on the suggestion and got out of bed. I had to admit that the extra sleep made me feel better. After a shower, I got dressed, I selected a new floral pattern dress. I wanted to look nice.

Sam was reading the paper when I came downstairs. I went over and kissed him good morning.

I grabbed a glass of OJ and sat down at the table. It was raining softly outside, and the feeder was presently abandoned.

Mom asked me if I wanted anything to eat, and I told her that I wasn't hungry. She insisted that I eat something, so I had a bagel with cream cheese. There was some more small talk. We were all dancing around the real topic.

"I'm okay with us talking about last night." I really wasn't, but I knew that it was a good idea to talk about it.

"Who had the idea to record the dreams?" asked Mom.

"Cat, who else?" I said with a smile.

We talked for a while. I guess they just wanted to reassure me that they loved me and would always be there for me.

Jenny arrived, and Mom and Sam left. They told me to call when we were finished.

"How about we go up to your room to talk?" suggested Jenny.

"Okay, but be prepared; it isn't very neat," I warned.

"A teenager with a messy room? That does sound disturbing," she retorted in an ultra-serious tone.

The joke helped to break the tension.

She sat down in my computer chair, and I sat on the bed. I watched as she looked around my room.

"I like that," she commented as she pointed to my banner from school.

"It's a constant inspiration to me. And it's a reminder of that I have some great friends who care about me."

"So, tell me about your latest nightmares."

Right to the point, I thought. I opened up the notebook and read my descriptions of each dream. I then went into my feelings regarding the dumpster and its significance to my problems.

"You may be right in your theory, Erika. I'm sure it was frightening when Jason threw you in that dumpster. I want you to tell more about it."

I went into a retelling of what had happened as I'd struggled to get free. I initially told it like I was on the stand. I kept my emotions in check and was in control. Jenny, however, sought to get my true feelings out, and she peppered me with questions. I then relived the events as I described them, and all the anger and fear came back. I held nothing back and let it all out. I suddenly remembered the pain, the smells, the fear, and the humiliation. The emotional torrent had caused me to break down in tears, but it felt good and freeing. She came over and held me as I cried and poured out my emotions.

She directed me to the bathroom, and I cleaned up. I didn't feel so bad about letting out my emotions. I washed my face and went back out into the bedroom.

Jenny explained that I wasn't cured or anything like that, but I had taken a huge step towards recovery. She reminded me she'd told me initially that this would take time.

"I know. This is so much to deal with. I just want to get on with my life and not worry about what will be the next thing to trigger some episode related to the attack. Jason got off easy; at least he knows when his sentence will be over."

"You're doing the right things. Don't isolate yourself or abuse yourself. You've handled this better than many patients that I have who are older and more mature, and they aren't also dealing with going through gender reassignment," she explained.

"Thanks for the pep talk, coach!"

We agreed that I'd continue to see her twice a week for now. She also agreed with me about leaving group therapy. It had served its purpose. Jenny told me that Karen had said that it was a very negative group, and she was working on ways to improve their attitudes.

I felt better, but I now felt that I needed some way to take out my anger. Jenny said that she had an idea but that she wanted to run it by Mom and Sam first. I handed her the phone and went downstairs.

"They agreed to my idea," said Jenny.

"So, what is it?" I asked.

"I want to keep it a surprise for now," she said. Her cell phone rang, and she gave a couple of quick yes and no answers. "I think you'll be more comfortable if you go change. I recommend jeans and comfortable shoes."

I went upstairs and changed. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what her plan was. I came downstairs and saw a police car pull in our driveway. I was pleased to see Officer Bell walk up to the front door.

I went over and let him in. "Hi, Erika!"

"Hi, Officer Bell!"

"Well, are you ready to go?" he asked. He then leaned over and whispered to me, "By the way, you can call me Tom."

"Go? Go where?" I asked.

"You'll see." He cracked a small smile.

Jenny walked outside with us. She gave me a hug and said that she'd talk to me on Tuesday. I got in the police car with Tom. We drove out of town. I was curious about where we were going. Tom kept the location secret.

We pulled off the main road onto a private road that was blocked by a locked gate. They're a big sign stating that this was city property and that there was no trespassing. Tom got out and unlocked it and drove us in, and then relocked it behind us. The mystery deepened!