Becoming A High School Girl - Chapter 33

OTHER CHAPTERS | ALL STORY LIST

Sunday morning, I watched as Sam and Mom pulled out of the driveway on their trip to Philadelphia. They told me that they would call when they reached their hotel. I would miss them, but I was happy that they were getting some time together. I knew Mom was nervous about meeting Sam's family. I also wondered how they would react to me.

I read the paper until it was time to go to work. We were still busy due to the prom. We were also getting a lot of business due to weddings. We didn't deal in bridal clothing, but we got a lot of business from the guests, mothers of the bride and groom, and so on. It was fun helping customers pick out outfits.

Mel told me that she'd watched the movie that Mrs. Lincoln was in. She said that she'd been searching the Internet auction sites to see if she could find anything from Mrs. Lincoln's career, as she thought it could be a cool gift.

After work, I drove home and pulled into our driveway. I went into my house and changed into something more casual. I slipped on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and my sandals. I packed a small overnight bag and grabbed my clothes for school on Monday. I always felt a little funny when I stayed at someone's home as a guest. Additionally, this was the first time I had done it as Erika. Part of me felt that I was imposing on their privacy; however, I felt comfortable staying with Cat and Terri.

I walked over to their house. I still felt a bit uneasy when I crossed the lawn between our homes. I stopped and stared at the spot where the attack had taken place for a second and then continued over to their house.

Terri was waiting, and she welcomed me inside. I knew she'd seen me stop, but she didn't say anything about it. I took my stuff upstairs into Cat's room.

She was on the computer, trading instant messages with Matt. "Hey, sorry I didn't hear you come in."

"Don't worry about it; say hi to Matt for me."

"Will do; just put your stuff over on that bed. Let me say goodbye to Matt."

"No need," I replied. I put my bag down and sat on the bed. I had also brought my own pillow. I could sleep on most beds if I had my favorite pillow. When Mom and I drove across the country from San Diego, I brought my own pillow. We've all got our own quirks!

"I was getting ready to say goodbye anyway; you want to help us get dinner ready?" she asked.

I nodded, and we headed downstairs. "So, how's he doing?"

"Great. He just rented his tux. I can't believe that the prom is only two weeks away."

"Actually, less than two weeks," I answered with a smile.

Terri put us both to work. Cat worked on the salad while I cut up green beans.

"I saw you pause out in the yard, Erika, and I have an idea that I want to run by you. How'd you feel if we planted a tree or something in that spot? That way, it could be a place for life and renewal instead of a place of bad memories," suggested Terri.

Mom and I were only renting the house. However, Sam liked the property, and they'd decided to make an offer on it, and that was fine with me. It really felt like home now. "That'd be really nice."

"Great! I'll talk to Jill and Sam when they get back, and we can pick something nice out."

We had a very pleasant dinner. Terri really enjoyed cooking; it wasn't a task to her, more a relaxation. We went for a walk after dinner. Our neighborhood bordered on a large wooded area. As we walked by, we saw a couple of white-tailed deer run across the road ahead of us. I think I was the only one who found this cool. I was able to get a photo of them before they ran back into the woods.

When we got home, Mom called and told us that they'd gotten into Philadelphia. The trip was uneventful. She gave me the phone number of the hotel.

Later that evening, Cat and I were sitting upstairs in her bedroom. The nice thing about our friendship was that anything was fair game. We could talk about anything, and we knew that we could trust each other to keep it private.

"I think that if you win the scholarship that you should think about going to college outside of Golden Hill," suggested Cat.

"Why? Dewey's a great school, and I can keep my job."

"It has nothing to do with the quality of education at Dewey. You're sort of sheltered here. No one cares that you're TS. Personally, I know that is great, but we both know that it isn't necessarily the case elsewhere. It might be a good confidence builder to live elsewhere after you've had the surgery."

"That's something to think about." I liked the idea of living in Golden Hill, but I also wanted to see the world. My trip to New York City had whetted my appetite for traveling again.

"Anyway, you have plenty of time to think about it. I'd suggest you stay here until after your surgery. Does the idea of getting the operation concern you?" asked Cat.

"Yes, a bit - well, make that a lot! I know that it's a pretty major surgery and that things can go wrong. But it's also my only chance to become whole."

"I understand. I'd do it too if I was in your shoes," she remarked. She then stared at my feet. "Although, not those shoes!"

Cat was referring to my bunny slippers. "Jealous?" I asked as I held my feet out and wiggled them.

"You're the first person I've known to actually wear those. And to think, I actually thought you had class!" We both began to laugh.

I looked down at the slippers and spoke to them in a comforting voice. "Don't listen to her, girls."

"Oh, God! Don't tell me you actually named them? You really are deranged!"

"Of course, I didn't name them; they already had names when I got them."

We both started laughing so hard that we were crying. Terri looked in to see what was going on.

"Mom, Erika's bunny slippers have, names!" Cat barely was able to speak due to laughing.

"That's nice, dear. Just as long as they're housebroken," replied Terri with a straight face.

Needless to say that Cat and I didn't get much sleep that night. Every time we almost calmed down, one of us starting giggling and making some silly joke. Still, that night marked another milestone in my progression towards becoming whole. I knew that Cat totally accepted me as a girl and, in many ways, as a sister.

During lunch, we talked about prom. Kristen had made dinner reservations for all eight of us. Our party would be Kristen and Alex, Tracy and Mike, Cat and Matt, and Laura and I. We'd invited Caroline and Paul, but they had already made other plans. They were going out with a group from the school paper. Kristen had also reserved a limo for the eight of us. She really wanted to make it a night to remember. Of all my friends, Kristen would have enjoyed the trip to NYC the most. She loved style.

It was less than two weeks to the big event, and I was as caught up in it as any other girl at school. Many of the girls had picked up their dresses at the shop. I was pleased with the way I looked in mine. As I was still new to being a girl, I didn't think about making an appointment at the salon until Cat reminded me. Thankfully they were able to reserve me an appointment the morning of the prom.

I knew that some of the girls were still a little uneasy with Laura and me going together as a couple. No one said anything, but you could sense it. I still found it interesting that there was still some uneasiness over a gay or lesbian dating, but none over the contestants dating guys. I was so happy to be going to the prom with Laura, knowing how much we were in love, that I didn't care what others thought.

After school, I swung by the display and saw that no one had dropped out. It really looked like we were all going to make it to the end. We were all a bit curious about what the outcome would be.

While I was standing there, Ms. B came by and asked how I was doing.

"Good, thanks. I haven't gotten any more threatening letters. Maybe Marlene scared him off."

"I hope so, but I'd be shocked if he gave up so easily."

I stared at the pictures for a second, "You know, they don't even look like us anymore."

"Yes, you've all made some great strides since September. Even those who didn't make it this far have changed for the better."

"Not everyone," I added softly, referring to Jason, who had only been a contestant for a few days.

"True, but he was the exception."

I excused myself and headed to the parking lot to meet Cat and Laura. I thought about what Ms. B had said.

I want to jump ahead to Tuesday evening. I went over to my house after dinner. After checking the mail and picking out my clothes for school Wednesday, I called Sandra Plummer, the woman I'd met in Spencer's the previous Friday. We had traded e-mails, and she said that she'd be home Tuesday evening.

I was a bit nervous when I first called her. I had so many questions, and I was afraid that she wouldn't want to hear them all. I know this was dumb. She'd contacted me because she wanted to help me.

I brewed up a mug of black spice chai tea and took out the phone number she'd given me. The phone rang a few times before she answered it. After the standard small talk, we began to talk about real issues. I found that she had as many questions for me as I had for her, so we agreed to alternate. We also agreed that it was impossible to cover everything in one evening. She told me that she wanted us to become good friends.

"So, have you had the surgery?" I asked.

"Yes, I had it two years ago. I needed it to feel whole, although I know several girls who haven't had it and never plan to."

"I want to get it; I'm like you. I need to feel whole, and I hate doing things halfway. So, do your friends there know that you're transgender?"

"Hey, we agreed we alternate," she replied with a laugh.

"Sorry, I just have so much I want to know."

"No need to apologize. First, I am not the answer-lady. I can only tell you my own experiences. You'll need to find your own path. Now, I'll answer that last question, but then it's my turn. I don't advertise the fact that I'm transgendered, but I don't lie to people either. I'm dating a man, and he knows that I was born male. I think that you need to tell anyone you date the truth."

"That makes sense."

"Okay, now it's my turn. When did you first know that you were TS?"

"Boy, you start off with a good one. I guess I'd had feelings when I was younger, but I hid them and forced them away. I guess growing up without a father, I wanted to act as the man of the family. I forced myself to try to act as normally as possible and fought any feelings that I was anything but a man. I even tried to convince myself that I'd entered the competition just for the scholarship. Soon I began to realize that it was much deeper, but I figured that I could hold it off. Then everything began to fall into place. I felt so comfortable and, well... normal. I knew that I was different and that it was okay. Mom didn't hate me, and my friends at school seemed to like me, and my gender didn't matter."

"So, did you know before you were attacked?"

"I forgot that you've talked to Ms. B. Yes, I knew before the assault. It just reinforced my decision. In fact, it made me feel better about myself."

"Why was that? Because it was more socially acceptable for a woman to be raped than a man?"

I was silent for a second. I was a little pissed about the question, but as I thought about it, I could see that there was no malice intended. "Maybe. In some ways, the attack reaffirmed me as a woman. I've felt a bit guilty for thinking that way."

"I'm sorry, Erika, that came across a bit heavier than I wanted to be. I know that you've been through a lot, and I don't want to bring up bad memories." From the tone of her voice, I knew that she was sincere.

"It's okay. I've found that talking about it is better than keeping it locked inside. I did worry that some people would see my desire to transition as a result of the rape. Fortunately, I knew the truth, and it was clear to me that this was my right path in life. When my friend Caroline told me that she was TS and told me everything going through her mind, I knew that I was TS too. As she described her feelings, it was like she was reading my mind," I answered.

"Fair enough, okay, your turn!"

I asked her about hormones and their effects on her. She was very detailed in her descriptions. I got excited thinking about it.

She then asked me about my plans for after school. I told her about wanting to become a teacher. She said that was great. I found out that Sandra worked in the state government. She worked on the staff of a state legislator.

After talking for over an hour, we called it quits for the night. I thanked her again, and we made an agreement to talk once a week.

Back over at Cat's house, we talked about the conversation up in her room. I had changed into my PJs, and Cat was in a pair of shorts and a large oversized t-shirt. Of course, I was wearing the bunny slippers, and no... they really didn't have names!

"So what's Sandra like?" asked Cat.

"Like an older version of you. She knows how to ask the right sort of question to make you think."

"I thought she looked intelligent!"

I tossed a pillow at her, and she responded with a counterattack. That went on for several minutes and stopped only because we were laughing so hard.

As usual, Laura picked us up for school. The sky was dark, and it looked like it would start raining any second. Laura was very interested in my conversation with Sandra, as she was with all aspects of my transition. We also talked a little about the sleepover at Cat's house.

We just got into school when it started to rain. The nice thing about San Diego was that the weather was so consistent, but, I'm not complaining; I liked the changes in seasons, although winter was on the bottom of my list.

Ms. B saw us as we walked in, and she motioned me over to her. "Hi, Erika, I just wanted to let you know that there'll be a meeting at lunch today. I have an announcement to make."

"Okay, usual room?" I asked. I knew that asking about the reason for the meeting was pointless.

"Yes, see you there. By the way, I got an e-mail from Sandra Plummer last night, and she really enjoyed talking with you."

"I like her a lot too," I replied. I had plenty of questions for Ms. B. "So, after graduation, will I be initiated into the club?"

Ms. B just smiled and walked away.

I ran into Caroline, and we talked about what might be the reason for the meeting. We'd both confirmed that no one had dropped out, so it couldn't be that. We'd figured that we would find out in a few hours.

By lunch, it was raining even harder. They canceled all practices. However, Coach Chambers asked me to stick around and help her get caught up on the track admin. I agreed, plus it would give me a chance to talk to her.

We arrived at the meeting. Everyone showed up and was equally curious about the reason for the meeting. Denise's hair was back to blonde - make that white. She told us that the Downfall was booked through the summer. They even were going to play some places on the Jersey shore. They'd be the opening group, but she said it was a great start.

"So, do you think you'll go to college, or are you going to stay in the band?" I asked Denise.

"Good question. I want to study music, but playing in the band is so much fun. I just might ride this wave as long as it will take me. However, if I do win the scholarship, I'm not going to let it go to waste. There are plenty of wonderful music schools that I would love to attend."

I told her about the comments we'd heard in Spencer's about her and the band. She thought that was great. She commented that they had quite a following at Dewey.

Denise laughed. "I can't wait to tell the others in the band! They also kid me that I'm the most feminine member of the band!"

Ms. B walked in with another woman. She introduced her as Ms. Fuller and said that she was on the committee that oversaw the scholarship. Ms. Fuller looked to be in her forties; she was wearing a tailored suit, and she had her hair up in a bun. She looked very professional but a bit stern.

"Good afternoon, girls," Ms. Fuller greeted us. "First, I want to congratulate you on making this the most successful and interesting year of the scholarship contest. I believe that this class has set a new standard for all future classes. It'll be remembered as the year that the competition began to achieve the goals set by its founder."

I sat there waiting for what she was setting us up for. I doubted she'd come here just to give us a pep talk. I also wondered what she'd meant by her last comment.

"I want to say that you are all winners for making it this far. In accordance with the original bylaws set down by our founder, I need to make the following offer. If anyone wishes to drop out at this point, they will automatically receive a scholarship in the amount of $10,000.00, to be paid in installments not to exceed $2,500.00 a year. While we would like as many contestants as possible in the competition, we don't want someone to be miserable for their prom and graduation. If you wish to drop out now, you will be rewarded for making it this far."

There was dead silence in the room. I looked around the room at each contestant. Caroline just winked at me. Denise also made eye contact and winked at me, so I knew she was staying. Ann, on the other hand, had her head down, as did Lisa. I wondered what was going through their minds. Both were very competitive, but I knew how unhappy Lisa was. Then there was the enigma of Ann. I couldn't figure her out; sometimes, I thought she was the third, and then other times, she seemed very indifferent to it all.

"Now, you don't have to make up your minds right now. The offer will stand for the rest of the year. I would like to meet with each of you this afternoon privately. Ms. Bell will give you the times. Again, thank you all for your wonderful effort."

As we walked out, we were given a pass. Mine was during the sixth period. I wondered what she had to say to me.

I tried to talk to Lisa, but she said that she didn't want to talk at the moment and that she'd call me that night. I gave her Cat's number.

During the sixth period, I went to my meeting with Ms. Fuller. The meeting was in Ms. B's office. When I arrived, she was talking to Ms. B. I was surprised to see them both laughing.

"Please sit down, Erika. It's a pleasure to meet you. Ms. Bell has been keeping us apprised of your progress. I just want to express the board's admiration for the way you've handled all the adversity that you have experienced."

"Thank you." I knew that our progress was being monitored, but it still made me feel a little uneasy.

"The reason I want to talk to you is that we're aware that you are presently in transition. We understand the financial hardship that this can cause, and we are prepared to assist. While we can't pay for the entire process, we have set up a loan that your family can apply for. It has a very low interest rate; in fact, if it's paid off in five years, there's no interest. Your family will be receiving the application in the next week. I'll tell you that the application is strictly a legal formality, as you've been approved already."

I sat there stunned. I was totally speechless, and it took a few moments for her words to sink in.

"This is in addition to the scholarship?" I asked.

"Of course. We offer this to any contestant who is transgender, even after they've graduated. Our founder, who set up the contest, understood that there would eventually be transgender contestants. She felt that it wouldn't be right after we helped them find their true selves to abandon them and not help them become physically whole. Now we don't publicize this fact, and the contestants are only notified after they have been screened. We're not some secret organization bent on changing boys into girls. We're interested in helping people with gender issues become as whole as possible."

"I assume that I'll be required to keep quiet about this offer." Hanging around Cat all the time had improved my deductive reasoning.

"Ms. Bell said you were smart. Yes, part of the application is a requirement that you and your family keep silent about this offer. It could be easily misunderstood by less open-minded people. However, if we'd felt that we couldn't trust you, then we wouldn't be making this offer."

"Thank you very much. This takes a huge weight off my back!" I gave her and Ms. B a big hug.

"Now there is one last thing, we will expect you someday to assist future contestants, much like Sandra Plummer. I don't think that will be a problem for you."

"Erika wants to teach high school when she graduates college, so she already wants to help others," interjected Ms. B.

"I would be honored to help future students," I added.

"Excellent! Well, you'll be receiving the loan application in the mail next week, and your family can call us with any questions," explained Ms. Fuller.

I thanked them again and headed back to Mr. Kline's room. I was walking three feet off the ground, as I was so happy.

After school, I went to Coach's office to plug in track data. I was amazed by the amount of paperwork in track and field. Laura told me she'd meet me when I was done. She had to work on grad night and some final issues on the prom.

I went to work on the data entry. The coach was in and out of her office the first hour. During the second hour, she sat at her desk, and we had a chance to talk. Initially, we just made small talk, but then we got into some deeper issues.

"I've asked other people this question, and I still haven't a good answer. Why are people in this town so accepting of transgender girls?" I asked as I entered in the high jump statistics.

"It has taken time to reach this level of acceptance. Each year we've made progress. First, we have a faculty that supports the contest and the contestants. We ensure that all students treat each other respectfully. Next, we've gotten important people in town to respond positively to the competition. Mrs. Lincoln initially pressured many businesses to give discounts, and they soon saw that they gained more business than they lost. We now have businesses applying to us to get into the program. The school helped by treating the contestants with respect. We don't design tasks to humiliate the contestants, and we have made every effort to make them a full part of campus life. When some girls like you came out as transgender, it wasn't considered a big deal. The community has just had eighteen years to slowly change."

"Yet, there is still some uneasiness about gay and lesbian students here at Central," I remarked as I shifted to the relay team times.

"True, but it's improving. It takes time to change people's minds and attitudes. We've just gotten permission from the school board to set up an LGBT-Straight Student Alliance group for next year. I'll be the faculty advisor. I've been pushing for it for the past five years."

"Cool, they had a group like that at my old high school," I added. I checked the numbers before shifting to the sprint times.

"Were you a member?" she asked with a smile.

"No, I was too far in denial then," I answered truthfully.

"I expect that it'll take some time to build up a membership. But it will be worth it," she explained.

"While we are on the topic of the school attitudes towards gays and lesbians, do you think that there will be any backlash against Laura and me for going to the prom together?" I asked.

"No, I don't see it as a problem for you two. First off, you have many great friends who love and support both of you. I imagine that there are some in school who may still see you as a boy and are in denial about the two of you. Laura is also very respected in school. Still, there are some who won't be pleased, but they might as well get used to it," she said.

"Do you think that there will be any other same-sex dates at the prom?" I asked.

"Excluding contestants, I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are some in the coming year. Personally, I don't think that it'll be that big a deal after the initial shock wears off. But, I fully understand the fears of being made an outcast in school. In some ways, you two may be trendsetters," she remarked.

"I appreciate your confidence in us!"

Just then, there was a knock on the door, and Laura walked in. "We got done early; anything I can do to help?" she asked.

We caught her up on the conversation. As expected, she was very interested in joining in the discussion of the subject.

"I know some girls who are very uneasy about my sexuality. There are a few who feel that our going to the prom together will become a distraction and ruin their night." I liked the sarcastic tone in which she said, 'ruin their night' like we weren't supposed to have fun too.

"I don't care about them; it's our night too!" I replied.

We also talked about the possibility of the Rev stirring things up. Coach felt that if he tried something, it would be more sneaky and underhanded. "I think he might try something during graduation."

I hoped she was wrong. I just wanted to get on with my life, and I didn't want to be a distraction.

We met Cat, Caroline, and Paul at Guido's. We talked about school and the prom. Caroline and I brought up the buyout offer.

"Do you think anyone will take it?" asked Paul.

"Maybe, I know that Lisa isn't that happy," I replied.

"Ann's a hard read too," added Caroline.

"What about Denise?" asked Paul.

"I used to think that she was just doing it as a goof, but I'm not so sure now. She has become really focused, and she's really serious about her music. I think the competition has really helped her. I'd be shocked if she dropped out," noted Caroline.

I wondered if Denise was the third. It didn't seem as shocking an idea as before.

The only other thing of note that night was that Lisa didn't call. I hesitated about calling her, and when I did, her mom said that she didn't want to talk right now. I understood and told her mom to pass on that I would support her decision either way.