The Real Me - Chapter 3

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They were upstairs, sorting clothes when they heard mother come in. ‘Leave it to me,’ Rache said, ‘I’ll talk to mum. Why don’t you stay in your room, looking pretty in your mini skirt, and I’ll call you down in two minutes?’ ‘She might have a heart attack.’ He replied, anxiously. ‘No, she won’t. I told you, she half knows, like I did.’ ‘Is it that obvious?’

‘Well, you’re not really very boy, are you.’ ‘I’m not camp.’ ‘If you mean exaggeratedly girlie, no, you are just gentle, too graceful to be a boy, sweet.’ ‘I haven’t tried to be, in fact, I tried to be a boy.’ ‘That’s why Dad slams into you because you are not boy enough nor girl enough.’ ‘And you think I should just come down like this?’ Rachel looked at him, her eyes traveling from his shoulder-length rubbish hair that she had somehow made look urchin, to the tips of his toes. She noted the slim, smooth legs, and smooth knees.

His hands were a little large perhaps, but his face was still smooth and free from any hint of male hair. He was quite pretty, enhanced as he was by makeup. ‘Yes, Daniella.’ He loved being called Daniella. ‘Just one more thing, a little girlie bracelet.’ She fastened a bracelet around his right wrist. That small touch, made him feel all mushy inside.

It was the finishing article, the ribbon on the parcel, the veil on the bride that makes a girl a bride. That small touch instilled a feeling more feminine than he had ever felt. ‘You like,’ she asked because she could see he did. ‘Mm,’ he said. ‘Bless.

What a girl you are. Poor you.’ They both hear the front door open and close. ‘She’s early. Give me two minutes then you come down.’ Rachel went down and into the kitchen. The kitchen door closed and Danny could hear only faint muffled voices. He removed his watch and replaced it with one of Rachel’s old girl watches.

He waited, at the top of the stairs, heart thumping, and then descended the stairs, the heels with the ankle strap staying more or less in place, whereas the other heels had been precariously difficult. They clack-clacked on the wooden hall floor. The door opened and her mum was silhouetted. Danny was revealed in the shaft of bright light from the kitchen lighting.

He hesitated, trying to read his mother’s expression from a distance of three meters. ‘Come in here, I want to see you.’ He couldn’t tell from her tone, whether she was cross or shocked or curious. He advanced towards her, threw his head up, smiled, almost coquettishly, but also charmingly, shyly. ‘It’s been a long time coming Daniel. Is this for real or just

‘Let’s have a cup of tea while I think about this. That doesn’t mean you can’t do this, it just means I need to think it through. I’m tired, just finished work and it’s nearly ten-thirty. You two make tea and I’ll go and sit.’ She kissed her youngest child on the forehead, ruffled his restyled hair, and walked to the front room. ‘Come on, Daniella, don’t worry, it will all be OK. Get the biscuits, the tin needs refilling, I’ll make the tea.’ Rache instructed. He prepared the tray, with cups and saucers, because that’s how his mother liked things, filled the biscuit tin, and added a small jug of milk to the tray.

His mother unlike his father had a background of gentility. By the time, he had done, the kettle had boiled and Rachel had filled the teapot. She stirred the pot and placed the spoon into the dishwasher. She took the tray, and he followed in heels and mini skirt, boiling within with anticipation, hopes, fears, excitement, and apprehension. One moment he felt as if he could conquer the world, then as doubts and uncertainties crept in, as hopeless as a prisoner on the way to the gallows.

Rachel set the tray on the coffee table and stirred the pot once more with the spoon from Danny’s saucer. She poured milk into the cups and added tea from the pot. She passed a cup to her mother and he offered her the biscuit tin. Mum took one, her favorite dark chocolate digestive. Mother dunked it in her tea, considered it, and bit off the dunked portion. ‘Mum,’ Daniel said. ‘Not yet, Daniel, I’m thinking, gathering my wits.’ She took another biscuit and sipped her tea delicately. She saw him sitting there, knees together, leaning forward, an anxious girl.

Daniel was quivering inside and hated being kept in suspense, but he should have known, that matters of such importance cannot be agreed with an ‘OK’ or ‘all right then’. Daniel in his desperation, now he had decided, now he was out, having for the first time in his life, displayed his true persona, just expected a simple yes, go for it. Life was never that easy. ‘Well,’ Mother said at last, ‘you look nice, for a first-time effort. Your hair needs to grow, so it can be cut into a style.

You have nice legs and your face is not too boy. What Rachel and I have read and heard on TV, because we thought you were either gay or trans, is that it’s unsatisfactory. You can never be a woman, just a boy in skirts, even if you have surgery.’ ‘Mum!’ Rachel said sternly. ‘Well, that’s the truth. You will look like a woman, if you are lucky, pass as a woman, but there will always be your birth as a boy in your background.

If you meet a boy or a girl and fall in love, then you have to tell them. You will risk losing them because as soon as you tell them, knowledge alters perceptions. They will wonder whether they are with a girl or are you really a boy in drag. If you are lucky and they love you enough, it won’t matter. And then there’s your father coming home. You know what he’ll say.’ ‘Mother, that’s enough.

We have to think what’s best for Danny.’ Rachel took command. ‘The truth is, that Daniella can’t help how she feels. Dannie, you are serious about this?’ Daniella was tearful. She nodded her head. ‘Yes Rache, you know I am. I’m not gay, well I don’t know what I am, but I know boys have never accepted me. I don’t fancy girls.

When I look at the girls, it’s not lust, it’s, well, envy, fascination. It’s like I want to be them, be like them but that’s not because I want boys to like me.’ ‘See Mum! Dannie is a girl, in her brain, and not a boy.’ ‘Oh, do what you like, what you have to do. And do it now, before puberty.’ ‘What do you mean?’ Rachel asked. ‘Mum?’ Dannie, dared to hope but feared the future.

‘From next Monday, at school, you will be a girl. Rachel if you are so keen on this, then you oversee it. I’m too tired. The doctor has to be seen. Get an urgent appointment, demand it, you know the waiting list is around four weeks, so ask to be seen immediately. Rachel, you have to buy her clothes and tell her school. By Monday Daniel, you will be a girl.

If you can’t do that, then stay as a cross-dresser. Dad will be home eventually, not this weekend thank goodness but you know how he will be. You need to have the guts to go through with this.’ Mother said. ‘Then Dad will have to change.’ Rachel interceded. ‘What I know is, from all those programs we watched Mother, the sooner Dannie’s on testosterone blockers, Daniella, the better for your physical attributes, muscle formation, skin, hair, and bone formation. Mum’s right. It seems hard but there is no point in hanging about.

I want you to tell me again, this is not a whim and not something you do, just for sexual pleasure.’ Daniel squirmed. Talking in front of his Mother about sex, talking to someone who is already disapproving, was even worse than talking to Rachel. ‘Mum! Please don’t look like that. I hate talking about this.’ ‘It’s no good saying Mum. Everything about this has to be thought through and spoken of. I need honesty from you, above all else, or we could make a dreadful mistake.’ ‘Yes, mum.’ ‘Is it girls you’re attracted to, or boys?’ He blushed. He felt so under pressure. ‘I already said. Mum, it’s girls mum, I love girls. Boys hate me, but whether they do or not, girls just fascinate, everything about girls, I just love but it’s not like sex, it’s being part of their gang, being the same.’

‘Then this is not some whim to become attractive to boys. I’m rather glad you’re not gay. Tell me what you expect.’ ‘To be a girl, doing girl things, wearing girl clothes. I want people to see me as a girl.’ ‘You won’t ever be like your sister, even if you have surgery. You would have a clitoris and a vagina, but no womb, no ovaries. You won’t be able to conceive, nor carry a child in your womb.

You won’t have a womb.’ ‘I know all that Mum, please, don’t go on.’ ‘We have to think about all this, you need to think about the pros and cons. So, you want to look like a girl and wear girls’ clothes? What else, for you, could do that as a trannie?’ ‘I want it to be all the time. I want people to look and see a girl and treat me as a girl.’ ‘Even though it will be harder to get work and you may not find a life partner?’ ‘I just can’t be a boy. I hate being a boy, I’m not a boy, Mum, am I? You already know that, or you would not have looked up all this stuff on the internet.

I hate my boy body. I look at the girls and I want to have their figure, their build, their down below mum. And I will be a girl, Mum, as far as work or anything goes, just I can’t conceive. Is that the biggest deal in the World?’ ‘It’s what women were put on this World for, but OK, not every woman can conceive, not every woman has a womb or ovaries.

There is all sort of defects, I guess you are just a different sort.’ ‘Some mums have donated their womb to their child.’ Dannie says and blushes. ‘I don’t think that will happen. Really? You’d want that?’ ‘Yes,’ he breathed, near to tears once more at giving up his innermost secrets. Mum ceased speaking. Her children stayed silent, waiting for a verdict, wondering whether they have to go further in proving their point. ‘Very well, Daniella. Is that what we are to call you?’ She saw him nod shyly. ‘As I said, you will go to school as a girl, as soon as we’ve told the headmaster.

I need a promise from you, that there will be no more bunking off, no more pulling a sickie. You will, as a trans girl, be disadvantaged enough. You have to get your results, go to Uni like your sister did, and get a good job. It’s a hard world and much, much harder for trans people. Isn’t that right Rachel?’ ‘Yes, Mum. That’s what I said too.’ ‘Now, the choice is yours, Daniel.’ ‘Mum, I don’t have a choice, this is who I am. I think if I don’t do this, I may as well die.’ ‘Don’t scare us by being dramatic.’

‘That’s how I feel Mum. If I stay a boy, I may as well give up. I’d rather be dead than get all masculine.’ ‘Well, I’m sure most boys welcome muscles and facial hair. Then that’s what you better do. From next week, before your Dad comes home, you will go to school as a girl. You will probably be bullied. You will just have to put up with that. If you can’t do that Dannie, then you resign yourself to life as a boy and a man.

Is this trans thing still what you want to do?’ ‘Yes, Mum.’ ‘Mother! Stop being so cruel.’ Rachel interceded. ‘I’m not being cruel your Dad will be home, you know what he thinks.’ ‘He is staying away the weekend?’ Rachel asked. ‘Yes. He’s up in Newcastle, says it’s too far to drive for a couple of days.’ ‘Then we are safe for the next week.’ Rachel said.’

‘He already hates me. He’s belted me often enough.’ Dannie stated only what was true. ‘He’ll kill me.’ ‘Sometimes you seem to deliberately antagonize him, Daniel. I know he’s not easy, just try to stay out of his way when he comes home.’ ‘He hits you, Mum. Why do you put up with him?’ ‘He’s not all bad.’ She said, defending her husband who was once a handsome and generous young man.

‘I hope he never comes home.’ Daniel replied. ‘I hate him.’ ‘Daniella,’ Rachel said, in defense of the indefensible, ‘he’s our father.’ ‘He’s no father to me. He’s a bully. Thank god I won’t grow up to be like him. What’s a father anyway? Just a living sperm bank. That’s all he is to me.’ ‘Daniel, I know he’s been hard on you.

He didn’t, doesn’t understand you. He will be coming home.’ Mum admonished. ‘He’s a crook and do you know what Mum, I’d begun to be like him. He’s a bastard and dim-witted.’ Danny said, almost in tears at the thought that his father will come back. ‘Why on earth did you ever marry him?’ ‘Daniel in ten days, he’ll be back. I’ll make him understand, prepare the way. I know it won’t be easy, but we have to try to make him understand.’

Mother says, defending once more, the indefensible. ‘Mum, he frightens me too, although he’s never hit me. I daren’t bring a boy home.’ Rachel said, coming in on her little brother’s side as he sat there in the mini skirt and little top. Rachel looked at her brother in the armchair where he rests, legs curled under him. ‘Mum, you have to promise, if he’s violent again or even just nasty tempered, you have to get rid, for Daniella’s sake, who has all her life ahead. Please, Mum.’ ‘I promise, I won’t put up with his nonsense this time. D

don't give me that look, both of you, I mean it. You come before him. I have to try to accommodate him and you.’ ‘I heard that before Mum.’ Daniella said hopelessly.

‘How are you getting like him?’ Mother asked, changing the subject. Daniella squirmed in her chair. ‘Shoplifting,’ ‘Dannie! Where? Were you caught?’ ‘No Mum, course not or you would have heard. I’m a kid, they’d have delivered me to you in handcuffs and told me not to be a naughty boy.’ ‘What did you steal?’ Mother asks, horrified.

Her son’s face has turned bright red. ‘Panties and lipsticks, some mascara, a few things, foundation. A sample bottle of perfume from Zara.’ ‘Well, I can’t see that’s very like your Dad, not the sort of thing he would steal at all.’ Mother said, lightening the atmosphere. And despite the gravity, they all burst out laughing. ‘No more, Daniella, promise me! I know teenagers do these things, but now your secret is out, no more. If you want those things, we buy them.’ Rachel stated, bringing them back to the gravity of stealing. ‘I laughed Daniel but it’s serious.

I know in your case it was as much a cry for help as anything. Don’t risk a police record. Your life will be more than hard enough.’ ‘I don’t really understand this Daniel, why you are like this. You had a father figure, a model, yet you are all girlie.’ Mother said. ‘Mother, be more understanding.’ Rachel interceded on Dannie’s behalf again. ‘We have talked about this. I thought you understood.’ Mother shrugged. ‘I know, I just find it difficult to accept that my little baby boy wants to be a girl.’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’ve read enough about it, I should understand, I know it happens but, I leave it to you, Rachel, you’re the lawyer, you can sort it out. From next Monday Daniel will go to school as a girl. That will prove whether you are serious or not.

As you are his advocate Rachel, you can see them to school, tell them, and take her to the doctor and shop. She will need everything and it will cost a pretty penny.’ ‘Give me what you can afford mother and I will pay the rest. I can’t believe you are being so harsh.’ ‘It’s no good glossing things. It will not be easy for him. I’m throwing him into the deep end and he will either swim or come out a boy again and learn to live as one.

Now, I’m really tired. Tomorrow, you go to school as normal. From Monday, you will go as a girl.