The Real Me - Chapter 6

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When Rachel arrived home from a heavy day in her office, catching up on the day she missed, she found her new sister in the kitchen, cooking their tea, a simple meal of breaded fish from a frozen pack, frozen peas, and cauliflower, that they know to be one of the most nutritious and beneficial vegetables.

Daniella sprinkled shredded cheese on the cauli and finished it in the oven. They ate it with boiled new potatoes, still in their skins. ‘Well done, Daniella. That was nice and you look nice too. Have you done your homework?’ ‘Yes sis, well some reading to do for a test but I wanted to do dinner for you.’ ‘Good. Shopping tomorrow, are you excited?’ ‘Girls love to shop, don’t they, well lots do.

For me, it is doubly exciting, my first real girl shop, for all the things I’ve wanted that were denied.’ ‘I never thought. Of course, you have been deprived of so much. You must have been like a poor kid who enviously looks at the possessions of rich kids. When I appeared in a new dress or with a trinket or new nail colors, how did you feel?’ ‘Envious, yes, and deprived.

I almost hated you for it, you seemed so privileged and I also hated myself for longing for all the things that boys shouldn’t want.’ ‘Then it’s been like slow torture. You poor,’ she just managed to stop before saying ‘boy’, ‘you poor girl, it must have been an everlasting torture.’ ‘All my waking hours. Like when you see a beautiful dress and hanker after it, yet you can’t afford it, that’s what it has been like for me, all the time.

Everything girl, I wanted. Shoes, undies, tights, stockings, skirts and dresses, hair colors and styles, nails, makeup, hugs, and kisses; holding hands, expressing myself, just being myself. like the way you are treated was different to how I was treated, that Dad liked you and hated me like Mum confided in you, and you shared feminine knowledge too but that was taboo for me, the girl whispers about periods and pills and boys.’ ‘I never realized. That’s why you were so withdrawn and miserable at times.’

‘Yes, I was jealous, of everything you had, from your body, clothes, behavior, experience, treatment, every single thing. Although I loved you, Sis, I hated it because, in my mind, I had nothing, absolute zero.’ ‘Well, we must try to put that right, starting tomorrow.

Let’s make a list.’ ‘My friend Jenny wants to come.’ ‘You told someone?’ ‘Yes. And Lisa. Both want to help.’ ‘OK! Well done you. So, you have one or two supportive friends, at least?’ ‘Yes. Not everyone’s terrible, even some of the boys are OK, just the thugs rule, don’t they always?’ ‘I guess. So, is Jenny meeting us there or do we pick her up?’

‘They’ll be there, outside Marks in the Mall, not the street entrance, but I need to phone to say it’s OK.’ ‘It will be nice to have other teen girls’ opinions, Dannie, won’t it? And you need friends darling.’ ‘It will be good, a proper girl shop, not that I don’t trust you Rache, but yeah, it will be good to have their opinions.’ ‘Will you find it embarrassing, someone you know, seeing you the first time in girl mode?’ ‘I don’t know, maybe. At the moment, it’s exciting, my first real venture out as a girl. People, strangers, and friends will see the real me. I’ll be me, at last.’ ‘Is that how it is? You feel you have been in disguise all these years?’ ‘Yes. I’ve lurked behind camouflage, been a shadow.’

‘Darling, the camouflage wasn’t very good was it?’ ‘No, I guess not.’ ‘And now? You feel right?’ ‘Just that one visit as a girl to the doctor, it was like wow, yes. I was me, people were seeing me. I was me, real at last.’ ‘You were much more confident than I thought you would be. I find it hard to understand. I mean I have always been me,’ Rachel said puzzled, trying to fully understand, ‘no matter whether I was in jeans or a dress, I was always Rachel, but the clothes make such a difference to you?’ ‘Rache, no matter what you wore, people always saw a girl.

Me, people never saw me as a girl, they saw a boy with unusually long hair, but everyone knowing me, were told I was a boy and treated me as a boy and they never saw me in a skirt or a dress.’ ‘Except for Auntie Anne. She often called you a girl, or at least was confused over your sex or is that gender?’ ‘I don’t care what, but yeah, Anne got confused because we don’t see her that often.

When she thought I was a girl, it made me feel real good, I mean a bit embarrassing in front of you lot, especially Dad, ‘cause it made him mad, but I sort of dream, that as she saw me as a girl, that’s what I really was.’ ‘You mean it affirmed your belief that you were really a girl? I realize now, how lucky I am to be happy in my skin, a heterosexual, cisgender woman.’ ‘The biggest cloud is Dad. He will never accept me, I know he won’t.

He’s just a moronic shite.’ Rachel chose to ignore his description of their father. In any case, it was difficult to defend him. ‘Maybe he’ll surprise us. He must meet all sorts when he’s selling dodgy stuff.’ ‘But not me, not his son in drag, a sissy boy as he calls me.’ ‘Well, I’ll try to explain.

Leave Dad to me. I can handle Dad.’ Daniella phoned Jenny and confirmed their meeting. ‘So, we’ll be outside Marks inside the Mall? I’ll tell Lisa.’ Jenny says. ‘Yes. Oh crikey, well, I hope you’ll make allowances.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Me being a girl. I don’t look right, not yet. I look in the mirror and I’m not convinced. Don’t laugh, please.’ ‘As if! You know me better than that. I’m not in the idiots’ gang at school, am I?’ ‘No but, oh God I’m so excited but so frightened.’ ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be OK.

We all think you’re a girl anyway, now you’ll look like one. Shopping with the girls will be so fun.’ Saturday dawned wet and windy. Rachel woke Dannie at seven-thirty, leaving their mother to sleep, for she was doing her usual two till ten at the supermarket, trying to make ends meet as her husband contributed to the family budget so intermittently, away on his dodgy business trips, a con man and she suspected, involved in more violent crime.

He would come home, dump a roll of five hundred notes on the table, and feel he was a good provider. It was never enough in monetary terms or to make up for his increasingly boorish behavior. His absence from the family appeared to be making him feral. Rachel supervised Dannie’s dressing and makeup, sitting with her in her small bedroom, advising and teaching her what girls grow up practicing over years. Dannie was having to acquire these skills in a few days, a crash course. Rachel and her new little sister made the Mall by nine-fifteen before the teen hordes arrived.

They found Jenny waiting and with her, Lisa. Dannie’s secret was really out, a secret no more. She didn’t mind. Monday was the big reveal and the more in their year that were aware and prepared, the better. ‘Oh wow,’ said Lisa. ‘You look really nice.

It’s so right!’ ‘I’d like a nose job,’ Daniella said shyly, ‘I’d like a slightly smaller nose and get rid of the bump.’ ‘There’s nothing wrong with it, never noticed a bump,’ Lisa replied frowning, ‘you look nice. I’d never have known if I didn’t know you, honest.’ ‘I think you’re pretty, nice as you are,’ Jenny said. ‘Bump, what bump?’ ‘There little Sis, that should give you confidence.

Right girls, plan of campaign. Skin outwards? Start on undies? What do you girls wear?’ ‘Usually, start with Marks, see what offers they have, and then maybe Primark, cheap and cheerful.’ Jen advised. ‘Yeah, or the other way around. It’s undies first anyway. You won’t want Marks for outerwear, too old.’ Lisa said. ‘Unless of course, you strike lucky in there and pick up a nice skirt or something.

Why not Marks as we’re here, then Primark and then into H&M, almost next door, and we can do undies and outerwear and then move on to the rest. Not forgetting shoes.’ Rachel said trying for the right plan. ‘Let’s go then, Marks then Primark.’ Daniella agreed, eager to get started. She didn’t mind, didn’t know the best places or what other girls do, and is more than willing for them to lead. ‘So what sort of undies? Cotton or silky?

The silky ones tend to be prettier.’ Lisa put an arm in Daniella’s and kissed her cheek. ‘I want pretty, but I suppose I need some practical ones too.’ Dannie replied, blushing. ‘I like pretty, anytime. This is so fun, but while we are here at Marks, they sometimes have miniskirts that are nice and not frumpy. Second floor for lingerie and the offers.’ Lisa didn’t want to ignore Jenny’s suggestion and it makes sense, she knows, to look at the offers first. Dannie is happy to follow because in the past, she looked longingly at the three for two offers.

Two hours later, they sit drinking coffee at the stall on the concourse rather than any of the chains. They have buns and a chat and decide on the next strategy. ‘Well, we have undies, a couple of skirts, and three tops. She needs a few things that are more upmarket.’ Rachel asked the girls, ‘So where do you teens go these days?’ ‘Well, Hollister, River Island, Monsoon, Misguided, Superdry, Zara. That’s all the ones here in the Mall.

We’re right near Zara, start there?’ Lisa suggested. ‘We can all try stuff on and have a squirt of their perfumes.’ ‘Or go in Boots and have a squirt of the upmarket stuff.’ Jenny suggests. ‘Yes, that’s a better idea,’ Rachel says. ‘She needs to find a favorite perfume and that’s a task in itself. First, though, she has to have someone sort her hair out. What about ‘It’s a Snip’.

No appointment needed.’ They race off to ‘It’s a Snip’. Rachel waited to speak to Dave, the manager. When Dave arrived, he had an amazing sort of beehive hairdo and long purple nails. Rachel was addressed as ‘darling’ and yes, they would look after ‘little sweetie pops’, Daniella. Dannie stood anchored to her sister’s hand, hardly daring to speak.

Lisa and Jenny waited outside. They found there was a forty-five minutes wait. They spend the time trying perfumes before they left Dannie in the salon. By the time she emerged, Rachel and the girls have bought accessories, along with a selection of tights and bits and bobs from Accessorize, Claire’s, and a new shop selling cosmetics.

‘Wow, you look so nice. I always wondered about that place and their ten-pound cuts. I might try them,’ Lisa commented. Jenny reached out and seized Dannie’s hand. ‘You do look nice. Already, I can’t think of you as a boy. You are so girl.’ Dannie blushed. ‘Thanks,’ she replied shyly. ‘You lot, thanks, I’m having the best day ever.’ Somehow, with three different opinions and that of Dannie herself, they managed to buy everything, more or less as they had planned, from the skin out, undies, skirts and tops, shorts and jeans, sweaters, cardigans, two jackets, four pairs of shoes, makeup, hair products, barrettes, bands and ribbons and a bottle of perfume, Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana.

Lunchtime had been thirty minutes, coffee and a bun. ‘Girls, I think after that marathon shop, I need a pile of pasta. What about you?’ Rachel suggested ‘And a film,’ Jenny put in quickly, not wanting the day to end yet. ‘Oh no! Now we need to have a discussion over which film.’ Lisa exclaimed. ‘I know what I want to see,’ Daniella said, for the first time pushing for her own preference, ‘Paddington 2’. I love that bear.’

‘Well, it’s her day.’ Jenny and Lisa said together and they wanted to see it too. ‘Film first or pasta?’ Rachel asked. ‘Let’s see what time the film is,’ Dannie said, consulting her phone. ‘We have an hour and a half, so pasta here we come.’ Lisa and Jenny phoned their parents telling them of the new plan and they made their way to Trattoria Napolina. For the second time in the day, Dannie used the ladies’ toilet.

It had a totally different smell and was much cleaner than the male toilets she had used in the past. She felt safer than when she had used public toilets as a boy. It still felt strange to be there, almost like she is trespassing and someone will say, ‘What are you doing in here? Get out!’, but of course, no one did, for already, she looked enough of a girl to ‘pass’. She stood at the washbasin with Lisa, feeling self-conscious, but Lisa had no such inhibitions herself and would not recognize that anyone else would have any.

She smiled at Dannie, via the mirror. ‘Now we check our makeup. Perhaps you should redo your lips. Otherwise, you look fine. Another thing, always make sure you haven’t tucked your skirt into your panties or tights. No, you’re OK, but always do it because there’s nothing as undignified. I think every woman alive must do that once at least.

These are the little things girls are taught by mums from toddler age. You missed out. You don’t mind if I say?’ ‘No Lisa, these are things I need to know.’ ‘Good. Be confident, you look brill. I just want to say, thank you for including me in your secret, well not secret much longer, but you know, coming out, so brave you look really nice.’ Lisa said giving Dannie another hug.

Dannie found this girlie show of affection slightly embarrassing, it was so far removed from boy behavior. Boys hardly ever touch each other, unless it’s to thump or wrestle. It’s a revelation. They sat at their table, waiting for their food to arrive. ‘How has the day been for you, Daniella?’ Jenny asked.

‘Like a dream, all my fantasies come true, everything I have wished for and yearned for, cried over, come true. All those nights I lay and imagined how life could be, for real at last.’ ‘Bless,’ Lisa exclaims. ‘You must have felt so dreadful, trapped in that boy world. Already, I just see a girl. I think this is so right for you. You’re really happy aren’t you?’

‘It’s been like every Christmas I ever had but no, much better, because I never ever got what I wanted for Christmas. I always received boy stuff and every silent wish was never fulfilled on Christmas day. Every present I received was yet another disappointment. I wish I’d had the courage to come out sooner, but then’ ‘But then, we had Dad at home, isn’t that it?’ Rachel interjected.

‘Yes. Dad is a Neanderthal, and that’s probably insulting to Neanderthals.’ ‘You don’t get on?’ ‘I do now, while he’s away. I wish he’d never come home.’ ‘Now, now,’ Rachel said. ‘Perhaps he’ll come round, be a changed man.’ ‘You know he won’t Rache. He’ll make my life a misery.’

‘What does he do?’ Lisa asked, curious as always. ‘We don’t really know.’ Rachel said, not wanting to disclose the shady nature of her father’s life. ‘He’s a crook and a thug. And he drinks.’ Dannie replied venomously. ‘I can tell you don’t get on,’ Lisa said ironically. ‘And he knows about you?’ ‘He just thinks I’m a sissy because I’m not like, well, very boyish.’ ‘He’s right there.’ Jenny said. ‘That’s what the thugs at school see, well what everyone sees, but the thugs just need a slight difference in someone to treat them like shite.

The victims can be too thin, too fat, too good looking, too ugly, too well dressed, dressed in worn-out stuff, talk too nicely or have some sort of speech handicap, be deaf or overhear other’s conversations, all good enough reasons for the thugs to make someone’s life more miserable.’ ‘Well,’ Rachel interrupted, wanting to steer them into a more positive mood, ‘Our last task, buy her school uniform.’ ‘Oh yes.’ Lisa said enthusiastically. ‘I can’t wait to see her in it.’

‘Calm down Lisa, you’ll see her in it every day.’ Jen says. ‘Yes but, it’s such a landmark. Sorry, Daniella. I’m sure you’ll look brilliant.’ ‘It’s OK, I can’t wait to see myself in it. I need your advice though, on skirt length and blouses, shoes and tights, oh and blazer.’ They purchased the uniform and it only took a few minutes. It is standard, so no choices, no discussion, as long as it fitted and the skirt can be shortened to the minimum length.

‘Wow. You look good, a bit flat-chested, but so much better than that little boy, Daniel. It’s so right, isn’t it? I’m really getting it now.’ Lisa gushed with enthusiasm. ‘We need to phone a few friends, get them onside, before Monday.’ She suggested. ‘Should we do that Daniella?’ ‘That would be wonderful,’ Rachel said. ‘Will you? Then she will not be a total surprise and she will have people she can trust.’ ‘Oh shit. How many will you phone?’

Dannie was suddenly filled with dread of how Monday will be, everyone waiting for the object of curiosity to appear. ‘Look, everyone will know anyway. Better they get the right story. If we take pictures with our phones, we can send them, but only to trusted friends. While you have the uniform on. We’ll do that, won’t we Jenn,’ Lisa said. ‘Sure, project Dannie. If we each phone as many as we have names and better to phone and talk rather than the message. Let’s do snaps now.’ ‘Really?’ Danny asked, already embarrassed at the thought of posing there in the store.

‘Yeah. Look stand over there against that wall. Just be natural, you don’t need to pull any fancy poses or faces. Just a nice smile.’ Lisa instructed. They take pics and agree on the ones to send. ‘But only to those you trust, please girls,’ Rachel says, worried that it is all getting out of control. ‘Once it’s out there, it’s out there. Monday morning, it will be out there anyway.’ ‘I ‘spouse.’ Rachel says. ‘OK, well, yes it won’t be a secret anymore.

OK with you Daniella?’ ‘I guess. I’m coming out anyway. It will go around the school like wildfire. I feel sick already.’ Jenny says, ‘We should really talk to them first.’ ‘Yeah, much better. They are bound to have questions.’ ‘But we can’t answer questions, we don’t really know anything except she’s now wearing girl clothes, including school uniform, and has a girl’s name.

That’s all we should say, except perhaps, she is trans and will be legally female.’ Lisa suggests. ‘Well, there are things we do know, it’s like she’s not just wearing girl clothes, she’s transgender. She has like in that program, a girl brain, and a boy body.’ Jenny says, seizing hold of Dannie. ‘Just keep it simple, girls. Phone people you trust.’ Rachel says.

They all agree. Dannie doesn’t know whether to giggle or cry, it is so exciting, and yet, it feels so dangerous, as though she’s being stripped naked. They saw the film and loved it. Somehow, that pathetic bear, Paddington, gets under people’s skin and finds sympathy, as Jenny said afterward. Rachel hoped that her own bear, her little sister, would find as much sympathy and affection.

Daniella may not have made a journey from darkest Peru, but coming out, having the strength to go against the grain of general opinion and be herself, is just as much a journey. From all Rachel had read, Dannie was now abroad in a land where trans are as oppressed as any slave nation, any person of color.

The Government may have passed laws to accommodate trans people and passed anti-discriminatory laws, but it has been the Government as much as society, that had oppressed transwomen in particular. As a law student, Rachel had read the law on transgender people, particularly trans-women’s fight for equal pension rights with natal women, the cases of Goodwin 2002; Richards 2006 and Timbrell as late as 2010 in which trans-women took the United Kingdom Government to the highest Courts, the last being the Supreme Court and they had won against Government lawyers.

A recalcitrant Civil Service, Government, and Parliament considered trans people to be aberrant, contumacious perverts, living as outlaws in British society and were content for them to be outlaws. The government had not given them any proper legal status with appropriate citizen’s rights until forced by EU law. With all this knowledge, and knowing their father’s attitudes, Rachel feared for her little sibling’s future.

In the meantime, Rachel delighted in seeing Daniella happy and excited. Before emerging from her male chrysalis, Dannie had been a quiet and withdrawn little boy, now Rachel saw a pleasant, happy and excited teenage girl. Rachel daren’t think how much she had spent. It had all gone on her credit card and it was her contribution to a hard-pressed family budget.

Their Mum worked hard on a low wage, forty hours a week and overtime, plus an anti-social hours allowance. It was still not a good wage but just enough to get by. Rachel resolved to swallow the expense herself, for the good of her sister and her mother.