A Christmas Gift - Jan 1st, 2nd

OTHER DAYS | ALL STORY LIST

Wednesday, January 1st. It's 2003. It's hard to believe. A whole new year is just around the corner. Thank goodness the last one is over. But I have lost myself, I think. Mrs. Diary, mom's gift may have gone way beyond what it was intended for. Let me tell you the whole story, so you can understand and see what the problem is. Anyway, my Aunt says that writing helps you see your problem clearly if you are honest and don't leave anything out. So, here goes.

I went to that party with my mom. Glenn, Alexis, and Paul were going to be at that one. At the party, there are going to be a lot of fruit cups, so I thought it wouldn't matter if people knew I was a fruit cup as well. First of all, the place we went to was really nice, like high class nice. There was a big dance floor, and I'd guess there were 50 to 100 people there.

I walk in with my mom. My heels didn't hurt at all. I stayed with her for the first hour. Drinks were being served. The drinks were like regular drinks but without the bad stuff. I was only allowed to drink alcohol after midnight. Well, they are called virgins, and you don't have to pay anything to get one.

Glenn was there and told me how cute I looked. I thanked him but asked him not to take my picture. He laughed and said he would ask first. I told him he could whenever he liked, but it was a mean trick that he showed me the other ones and made me believe it was a real girl.

After about an hour or so, a boy approached me and asked me to dance with him. I thought, yikes, I must be mistaken for a girl. Mom, Glenn, and Alexis told me to go ahead and have fun. The boy was a sophomore in high school, and he just turned 16 two days ago. In addition to wrestling, he drives an old Ford muscle car. I thought he was cute. Maybe if I were a girl, I'd find him charming.

Well, we were dancing, it was really fun. It was better than dancing with my mother. In fact, Glenn took pictures, I found out afterward. Well, this boy, his name is Vince, isn't that a cool name. Well, we were dancing, and he definitely had a lot of muscle. I told him I was 11 and only 3 weeks away from turning 12.

He said I was the cutest girl in the room. There weren't many kids here he could choose from. There were some other girls, 3 of whom were younger, and others had boyfriends.

Dancing with another boy wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. But, here's the problem: I liked it. I don't know why, but I think dresses make you think stupid things. However, I was dancing and forgot all about not being a real girl but just pretending to be one for my mom.

After dancing, he took me out on the balcony. Since it was chilly outside, he put his coat on me. What a nice boy! Maybe after this is over, we can be friends, but I doubt it. He pointed out some constellations he is learning in school, and I said that all I was learning was pre-algebra and grammar. He said it would get better. I smiled and laughed. I have a long way to go in high school.

After being outside for a little while, we went in and did a slow dance. For some reason, I put my head on his chest. I liked it, but I think there's something wrong with me. There's no way that I would love that. After a slow dance, we went to his car. He said that his parents came in a limo, but he wanted to drive. The car smells like leather and is really cool.

We sat in his car to have a pleasant conversation, but I was nervous in part because I was afraid he might think that I was a girl. First, I told my mom, Glenn, and Paul where I would be. I was afraid he would try to get close, then discover I wasn't a girl, and then he would kill me. It didn't happen. He was a very nice boy. Both of us sat on our sides. I almost bawled when he asked if I had a boyfriend. I had just said no, but he said it was difficult to find the first one. He then asked if I was allowed to have one. Because I never asked mom if I was allowed for a girlfriend, I said I didn't know. He said fair enough.

I really enjoyed the time we spent with each other. We didn't talk like two boys do about nothing and told disgusting jokes. As I got to know him, he told me he would win an Olympic gold medal one day. He invited me to watch him in action. When this is over, I might go as Tommy, and he probably won't notice me. I said I would try, and that made him smile. We stayed up at the party together for almost an hour. I never talked to a boy for an hour about serious stuff.

Well, at 11:15. I remember the exact time. My feet hurt as I sat in a chair after another dance. He gently enveloped me with a kiss. Despite my desire not to tell him, it was wrong of me to have him kiss a boy without him knowing. And with so many people there, I wouldn't get my butt kicked.

I told him I needed to tell you something first. He told me you aren't all girls yet. I said, 'yes.' He said Paul had already told him about you. He said he didn't mind at all, and he thought I was cute anyway. I asked him if he was gay. I'm not sure why I asked; perhaps I was just thrown off guard. He laughed and said no, he just likes pretty people.

Well, I told him he could kiss me, but I don't know why I did it. That was such a big mistake. Well, till midnight, I had spent the whole time with Vince. We clinked our glasses and drank some champagne as we counted down to 2003.

Then it happened, and it made me sad to think about it.

He leaned over and kissed me right on the lips. Not a baby kiss, but a real grown-up kiss. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it either. If I were normal, I would have hated it. It wasn't a gross make-out kiss either. It was a real kiss, but it was nice and sweet, and I think I liked it. I can't not like it, can I?

It was like I was in shock. My mom also saw us kissed; she said, 'I guess you really liked him.' I said, I guess so, I don't know. I didn't answer when she asked if I liked the kiss and just blushed and buried my head in my hands. I think that made things worst. How could I like being kissed by a boy? Maybe it's the stupid dress. I'm not sure. I hope so.

After the dance, Vince and I sat down. He thanked me and asked for my phone number. I gave him both my phone number and email address. Upon receiving the call, he asked who I should speak to; I replied, 'Ask for Tammy.' It wasn't bad at all to think of him thinking of me as Tammy. Maybe I'm going nuts.

He also gave me his AOL name and phone number. I was glad I had my purse with me, or I would have lost the paper.

I woke up this morning not even wanting to get out of bed. When I awoke, I remembered what I did last night and started crying like a baby. What's wrong with me?

My mother came in and asked what was wrong. I explained. She asked, 'Are you crying because you kissed a boy?'. For some reason, I told her the truth and said no, and I think I liked it. Then I started crying again. "It's part of discovering who you are," she said. However, what exactly am I? Am I really a fruit cake, like Glenn and Paul?

Perhaps it's just the dress. I tend to get into things too much when I'm dressed up. After I played D&D for a while, I started learning how to sword fight for real. Perhaps I get too caught up in things. I guess that's it. I'm probably going to be a famous actor since I can play a lot of roles and fit into them. I'm simply a good actor, not a fruitcake. This makes me normal and very talented. Hopefully.

However, mom got to work tonight, so I'm going to go to my Aunt's house and also pick up Sam on the was and spend the evening with her. Thanks for listening, Mrs. Diary. You've been a great help. Kisses.

Thursday, January 2nd, Hi Mrs. Diary. As promised, I am still writing to you. I don't know if I feel better or worse about everything that has happened. Perhaps the kiss wasn't so terrible after all. I mean, I might have taken this being a girl for Christmas a bit too far, I think. Perhaps it's not actually me doing all this fruitful stuff, but the character I'm playing. It has been said that actors sometimes live out their roles until the movie is finished. Therefore, I am not a fruit; I just have to wait until the game is over. Hope so. Maybe. Not sure. There are still a few days left.

That's it for me today. I went to Aunt Jan's with Sam last night. Okay, so I told Sam and my aunt everything that happened at the party. I mean everything, even the kissing. All of us were giggling about it, and they were making funny jokes about it.

When girls make jokes, it's different. A boy's joke is usually meant to hurt your feelings and make you feel sad. Girls make jokes to make you feel better and happier. Despite what they say, I had a lot of fun. Even if it was about me being a fruit. That's not what I said to them, but sometimes I thought about it. I was sometimes just content with myself and didn't think about it. That's how Tammy felt.

I sometimes forget I'm a boy and that kind of worries me. I can't find anything about it online; I have no idea where to start. Okay, so we talked for quite a while, and then Sam and I went into my aunt's room. Firstly, she was allowed to stay with me the night, so she wore one of my nighties.

After we got in the room, we discussed the kiss again. I beat her to it since she hasn't kissed anyone yet. Nice, I said. And then I started crying. I told her it scared me, but I liked it anyway. She hugged me and said that everyone gets scared the first time. There's no way she realizes that I didn't mean I was scared I kissed, but I was scared because I kissed a boy and I sort of liked it.

Then I said I didn't know if Vince liked it back. I've never kissed before, and I have no idea how it went. That's what happened. Sam told me, let's practice, and we kissed each other. I couldn't believe what was happening. I liked that too. The same way I liked Vince's kiss. We both agreed it was really nice and practiced more.

Then she said, "See, I'm not scared or sad." I gave her the, 'but you didn't kiss another girl' response, and she said, "I did, I kissed you, TAMMY." I said, "well, if you think I'm a girl, why did you kiss me?" She said, "it's okay for girls to kiss for practice; a lot of girls do it." I was like, "wow, I never heard of 2 boys practicing kissing.

Do girls do that all the time together? Not sure. We practiced kissing 5 times. The last three times, I imagined myself to be Tammy. Kissing a girl is very different from kissing a boy. It's a lot softer and slower.

I asked her if she was my girlfriend after we finished kissing, and she said yes. Then I asked, 'Do you consider me your boyfriend?' She replied, no, you're my girlfriend. What does that mean? Is she a lesbian or something? How can I be her girlfriend if I'm not a girl? This has driven me crazy all day. Are we both girlfriends?

Anyhow, we went to bed and tucked ourselves under the covers with a flashlight. That was fun. Then I asked her if she really sees me as Tammy or as Tommy. She said she really sees me as Tammy. "How?" I asked. She said it wasn't very hard to see me as Tammy, her best girlfriend. I wonder if that last part was included to make me crazy.

You know I'm going back to Tommy on Monday. She said she knew and that she would still be Tommy's friend but not like as close as she is with Tammy. What's up with this girl. We are the same.

This morning we made pancakes after waking up. Baby pancakes, not the big ones like my mom and I used to make. Cooking is a lot of fun, so I won't give it up when I return to normal life. They tasted really, really good with strawberry syrup, and we didn't even make a mess.

After we took Sam to her house, I went to watch Tonya. I'm glad that Glenn and Alexis think I'm responsible enough to watch her. And it's not hard. She loves me and doesn't fuss or cry. I hope she doesn't mix up Tammy and Tommy. Rocking her to sleep still gives me the warm fuzzies. I would make an excellent mother. I mean, if I were a real girl, I would.

I then walked home. I was skipping along. GROSS. Not sure what made me do it. No one even looked at me funny for doing it. Mom really liked my dress today. It's a white floral dress with a kind of bib thingy at the top. Now, mom and I are going to cook dinner. Good night, Mrs. Diary.