A Christmas Gift - Jan 5th, 6th

OTHER DAYS | ALL STORY LIST

Sunday, January 5th, is my last day writing to you, Mrs. Diary. Don't be sad, you helped me a lot. Well, let's see all that has happened since yesterday that I haven't told you about.

Okay, Vince did come over last night. I told him again how much I enjoyed watching him wrestle and how proud I was that he won. Having a beautiful girl in the stands made the task easy. I told him that I would go back to being Tommy from Monday. I blushed when he said I was still beautiful, but I was also a bit sad that it had come to an end. At first, I didn't want to do it, and I was like hell no. Now I'm sad that it will be stopped. My mind can't wait to get back to normal.

Vince taught me some wrestling moves in case I needed to defend myself. He taught me a fireman's carry and a high crotch. When he said high crotch, I thought he was trying to get flushed, but he promised me that it was really what the movie was called. Also, he taught me a half nelson and across the face. He didn't hurt me hard, but he told me that they could be very painful. He then wrestled with me, and I won. He let me bet him; isn't that so sweet of him? I hope we'll still be friends by Monday.

During our talk, he asked if I wanted to remain a girl. I asked him why he asked me. He said that I seemed really happy being a girl. I told him I had to start school again on Monday. He just nodded. It wouldn't be so bad if I were a girl, but I'm not. So that's kind of wrong, isn't it? Anyhow, Vince stayed for almost an hour and a half before having to leave. I kissed him goodbye. After all, he taught me all the wrestling stuff, and he is so sweet and cute. I better get that out of my head, or I'm going to get a butt kick tomorrow.

I woke up this morning with another dream. I was being hit by my father for being a big pansy faggot. But Vince came in and beat him up and said, leave her alone she is happy. How come I keep having these dreams? Am I going crazy? Well, I guess it's okay to admit that Vince and I did more than just kiss. During the dream, that is. I woke up, and I was like, I don't know, but I wondered why I would dream about gay things. However, if I dream that I am a girl, does that make me gay?

I swear I am going nuts and need to go back to pants and t-shirts. It's a good thing I didn't agree to be a girl during summer break. It would never end, and who knows what crazy things I'd think if this went on for a long time. In fact, I am doing many things I shouldn't, as a woman, am I not?

Later that day, mom and I got dressed and went to church. Things began to go south from there. I wore a white floral dress and tights. But when I was in church, I wondered what God would think if he saw me pretending to be someone I wasn't. I got really worried that something would happen. I told my mom what I was thinking. She said God was love and that he would love me no matter what I did or how I behaved. If I loved him, he would love me back no matter what.

What if I did something terrible, like kill someone? I would never do something like that if I really believed in God. After that, I said, but isn't dressing like this like lying? That's not what you are on the inside, she said. I didn't say anything else. What else could I say?

I am what I am on the inside. I didn't know what mom really meant. Am I a fruitcake on the inside, like Glenn and Paul and Alexis? I don't believe that they are going to hell because they are gay; Mom said people who think that way really don't know God's word.

Perhaps she meant if I were a girl inside. But that's not possible, is it? There is no third option. You are either a boy or a girl. There is no way to be both at the same time; that makes no sense. I mean, can someone be a girl and a boy at the same time? I don't think so. It's too confusing.

Well, afterward, we went out for brunch. The waiter was really nice. I am amazed at how people treat me differently just because I was a girl. For some reason, I am nicer back. There must be an explanation for why it works that way, but I notice I say please and thank you much more often than I used to say. Since I used to never say it when I was myself. But I just noticed that. I said, can we please have a table for two. And the guy said, indeed, follow me. And I said thank you. Usually, I don't say please, and usually, I say show the way and am not thanked them.

Anyhow, brunch is a great meal. You eat lunch and breakfast there, and if you are wearing pants, you eat until your pants explode. Additionally, I noticed I didn't gorge myself and was more neat when eating. Why does everything change with clothes? I don't understand.

I went to Sam's house after brunch. I wanted to spend one last time being with her as Tammy. We didn't do anything or get undressed or kissed. We just talked. It's nice to talk to her more than anything else. Sam says I'm one of her best girlfriends. She really needs to stop saying stuff like that; I'm confused enough as it is. She said we would still be friends no matter what happened. It's like people expect me to magically turn into a real girl, but they know that doesn't happen. Except on one of the websites I visited, but those were all made-up stories.

Well, I spent nearly two hours just talking to Sam, and I wasn't even bored once. We didn't play games or anything; we just talked. Just sitting down like two civilized people and chatting about our lives. After I am back to normal, I hope we can still talk like this every now and then.

I'm not worried about Sam not wanting to talk, but about me. I'm afraid I'll put on pants and be my old nasty self once again and lose everything I have learned. I hate to say it, but I like the way I am now. Not the fruitcake stuff, but being nice and learning about people.

I went home and helped mom make dinner. We had lasagna, and it came out so good. My aunt Jan came over and complimented me on how well I cooked. She mentioned it in private, saying, "See, that wasn't so difficult." But now I'm afraid it will be hard to go back to what I was, not even sure if I want to go back. Well, being normal is what I'm supposed to do. Right?

It's time to go to bed, so mom said I could wear my regular pajamas. I'll probably just wear the wrestling t-shirt. It's a guy's shirt, after all. Mrs. Diary, it's been a pleasure to share all my secrets and stuff with you. You have helped me a lot. I think I will miss you the most out of this whole thing, but like I said, once I go back to normal, I probably won't even look at you. Anyway, I guess this is the end. Kiss Kiss.

Hello, Mrs. Diary. It's Monday, January 6th. I know I said I wasn't going to write to you anymore. I guess I was wrong. I don't need to write to you for some reason; it always makes me feel better.

The winter break is over, and I had my first day of school today. I got up and dressed first. I wore blue jeans, a collared shirt, and regular boy underwear. I put gel in my hair and slicked it back. I'm back to my old self, right? I made eggs with mom again for breakfast. But things weren't like they usually were while making breakfast. I mean, we just made eggs sat down and ate. I felt weird. Making breakfast with mom wasn't bad, but it wasn't the same as in previous weeks.

The walk to school was weird since I had not been out much since break began. I liked the air, and it was snowing but just a little bit. Because I was wearing my black jacket, I didn't feel too cold. The black jacket doesn't look nice, but it keeps you warm.

When I got to school, everyone was talking about what they received for Christmas. I told them I got a computer and spent most of my time at home with my mom. I got teased about being a mommy's boy. If only they knew. It isn't so bad that you care about your mom; I wonder why guys make such a big deal about it.

When I got to class, the teacher asked us to write about what we did over the holidays. I wrote about getting the computer and cooking with mom. However, I did not tell them everything. We had to read it in front of the class. Sam wrote about spending time with her friend Tammy and stuff they did over the break. In the end, she said Tammy had to leave, and she didn't know if she would see her again and that she missed her. She began to cry. That stupid girl almost made me cry, too; that would have been all I would have needed. I wanted to hug her and tell her, 'I'm here.

Then my clothes started bothering me. Quite a bit. I was itching everywhere. The pants were so uncomfortable, and the underwear felt like it was going to fall off. It was impossible to be comfortable. At lunch, Fred punch bugged me. I wonder what kind of idiot came up with that idea, probably some boy. I tried hanging out with the guys. Nothing serious could be said. Everything is jokes, jokes, jokes. It can be incredibly annoying sometimes.

I couldn't really hang out with the girls; they'd call me a sissy. Okay, after school, they wanted to push girls down in the snow. How stupid! They ruin perfectly nice clothes and laugh. I told them I had a job and couldn't be with them.

Afterward, Sam walked me home. It was nice to have a normal conversation. I asked about Missy's sweater. She had a cute red sweater with white flowers on it. I figured she bought it at the mall. We walked to my house and checked to make sure no one was there; Sam hugged me and said goodbye.

Okay, the first thing I did was go into my room and put on undies because the clothes I was wearing were really bothering me.

I then went to watch Tonya. The daytime nanny said hi and went. Even though my hair was so disgusting and slicked back, Tonya recognized me. I loved playing with her. Her little dress was almost as adorable as she was. I had to change her; I did a good job. It would be so cool to have a little baby of my own. I would make a great mom; oops, dad. I gave her a milk bottle and put her in her crib. She looks even cuter when she's asleep. She really is a good baby, not a crying type one. I don't like crying babies.

Glenn came home and saw me. He said, "you're back to being yourself again." I said yeah. My feelings are all muddled about it, so I cannot say anything. Seeing Tonya, he said I was still a good babysitter. I thanked him and promised to return tomorrow.

As soon as I got home, I washed out the gunk from my hair. I felt disgusted. It wasn't combed like a girl or anything. It just didn't feel good to have gel in my hair. I also started cooking pork chops to surprise my mother.

She was so happy, and she said it was nice to have she son back, even though he loved having Tammy around. It would seem that I would be pleased about her saying that, but I wasn't. A part of me really wanted her to ask me to dress up as Tammy for the night. How can I tell mom that I don't want to be Tommy anymore? Perhaps there is something seriously wrong with me. Now I don't think I want to be anything other than Tammy. Now I have no idea what to do, so good night, Mrs. Diary.