A Christmas Gift - Jan 7th To 12th

OTHER DAYS | ALL STORY LIST

Tuesday, January 7th, Hi Mrs. Diary. Guess who it is again. Talking with Vince was great. He still wants to be my friend. It's great to have him as my friend. But I haven't told him my problem. How can I tell anyone? It was odd talking to Vince in boy jeans and a shirt. It didn't feel the same; it wasn't like Tammy talking to him.

I don't know; maybe I'm crazy. I wore jeans and a t-shirt to school again. Mom and I ate cereal for breakfast. I wish we cooked something together. Not sure why we didn't. I wish I could tell her what I feel, but I am afraid she will think I did something wrong. As you are aware, boys don't have many choices in clothes. It's always jeans and a t-shirt.

However, I wore panties under the Jeans. I mean who is going to know. That helped me feel a little bit more comfortable, but the rough pants were driving me nuts. I don't know what to do about them. Why is it that boys' clothes have to be so miserable?

In science class, we got paired up. I had Sam and another girl with me in my group. My friends said they were sorry for me. My friends said they were sorry for me. I still thought I was lucky. At least I had nice people to talk to. One of the girls was Cindy, and I told her that her outfit was cute. She wore a khaki jumper. She told me to drop dead. I could not understand what she meant. Afterward, she said sorry; she thought I was sarcastic. I just looked down and continued working.

It got better after that. My teacher told me how nice and polite I had been the last two days. Does she want me to get beat up? Although I was called the teacher's pet and kissed up by guys, I didn't get into a fight. I couldn't sit with girls and get teased, and I also didn't want to hang with guys and do stupid things. I sat by myself at lunch and recess and just looked at clouds.

After school, Sam walked me home again. I told her about the second time Vince kissed me and how I thought I was a real girl. She said maybe you are. But how can I be when I am a boy? She had no idea. We went home, and Sam waited for me while I washed the goop out of my hair. Then Sam and I left the house to watch Tonya together while I put a jumper in my bag.

As soon as the daytime nanny left, I changed. I fled like Tammy was back, but it wasn't Tommy. I think it was me. It was so much fun watching Tonya together.

I was a natural for a girl, Sam said. Her words weren't frivolous; she meant them seriously. When we put her down to sleep, Sam said we should test if I were more a girl than a boy. Sam decided we should practice kissing, but this time to imagine that I am was a real girl, and kiss Sam like I kissed Vince.

I did, and when we kissed, it was like wow. It was better; I almost fell to the floor. My eyes welled up. She asked what was wrong, and I told Sam I did not know who or what I was anymore. Maybe I am just discovering myself, she replied.

I don't understand how this is happening to me. If I tell mom, she'll be so mad that I didn't want to be her son anymore. There's no way I can just change into a real girl. Why is life so messed up?

Glenn saw me like this and asked if I had decided to switch for good. I began to cry again and told him I didn't know and I wasn't sure if I should tell my mom. He said he would not speak until I said he could do so. I went home and got back to normal, and mom should be home any time now. I just wanted to tell you this stuff. Maybe it will help; I just don't know anymore. Kiss Kiss.

Wednesday, January 8th, Hi Mrs. Diary. Things aren't improving. My head is so messed up. It's like a big tug o war between who I am and who everyone expects me to be. People expect me to be Tommy, but I'm not sure if that's who I am.

Vince and I discussed the overall situation last night. My gift for Christmas may have been better than a computer, he said. Maybe my aunt and mom helped me discover who I really was. What's the use of finding the real me if I can't be the real me? Later, Vince sent me a picture of himself in his wrestling costume. He is such a hunk. This became my screen saver.

Later that night, my mom and I ate Chinese food. Neither of us talked much. I do not know how I could tell her that I am now pretending to be Tommy, not Tammy. When I switched back, it was as if nothing felt good anymore.

I went to school. Let me tell you what happened. I put on my khaki girl pants. It felt good to wear something soft and cut well. I thought no one would notice that I was wearing girl things since they are pants, and most boys are too stupid to know the difference. But was I wrong? All day, I was teased. It was horrible. It was so painful to hear the word fag so many times that I wanted to cry.

I almost got into a fight after school, but I told Sam and Cindy that I had nothing to prove. So I just backed out. What does fighting prove anyway? That you're a Neanderthal. Well, Cindy went over to one of the boys who was teasing me.

Tonya and I went to Sam's house together. She thought I was brave for not battling the stupid guys. Later I told her that I was confused. "Oh, you know, deep down, you know what you're like," she responded. "I know who I am, but I can't be it," she said.

When Tonya went to sleep, we did each other's hair. I braided Sam's hair for the first time, and it came out pretty well. She made my ponytail a bit poofy. Okay, so Sam went before Glenn and Alexis arrived home. They called me Tammy again, and I thanked them. Since my mom was going to work late, they told me to go to my aunt's house.

I went to Aunt Jan's house, and she asked about the pants. I broke down and cried and told her. She wasn't mad at me either. I expected she would be. I told her that if I stayed as Tammy, she would take the computer back. Don't be silly, she replied. I explained that I was afraid to tell my mother. She replied that she already knew. Then I asked, "How does mom know? I just told you. She told me a lot of people knew about Tammy even before I put the dress on. I was shocked. Anyway, she said if I want to stay as Tammy, I have to tell my mom. How can I do that? Even if she knows, won't she be mad? How can I tell her without making her cry? I don't know, it's giving me a headache. Kiss Kiss.

Hello, Mrs. Diary; it's Thursday, January 9th. Today I feel a lot better than yesterday. I talked to aunt Jan this morning, and she told me I didn't need to go to school today. That made me feel better. Thanks, aunt Jan.

I still had all that money from Christmas; Aunt and I went to Walmart. Oh, I found a cute white dress with pink trim. Then we went to Supercuts, where I got a perm. There's an awful smell there, and it takes forever to finish, so you read magazines until you're done. Actually, the magazines were cool, but so much time and that bad smell. I got some curls in my hair. If I go to school, I can just say that this is how my hair looks without all the gunk. It doesn't matter what people think. Other than my mom, aunt, Sam, and Vince.

We went to my house, but mom wasn't there yet. Aunt Jan put on some lipstick and blush and did my nails before I put on my dress and hearty stockings. Sam was the first one to arrive. She was so happy for me and was going to be there for me when mom returned home. She said I was looking amazing. My mom arrived shortly after. I felt sick with nervousness. Really, really sick.

Sam and Aunt Jan went into the room to hide. Mum walked in, wondering what was going on. As soon as I told her, 'this is who I am,' she bent down and hugged me. Then she said she knew; she was waiting to see if I would ever discover it myself. She said we were trying to figure out a way for me to try it, but I did on my own with the Christmas gift. I guess my aunt didn't tell her she offered me the computer.

Over and over, Mom embraced and kissed me. Although I can't go to school tomorrow like a girl, that's a bummer. At least at home, I can be normal. Also, when I go to Sam's, I can be myself. Nevertheless, she told me that I must start seeing Sam's dad for talking sessions. The standard fee for his services is $150, but he is going to do it with e for free. That's kind of cool. I'm going out to dinner shortly, so kiss kiss Mrs. diary.

Friday, January 10th, Hello Mrs. Diary, isn't today like a really good day to be alive, Well, I think so, I guess.

As a first step, my mom made me go to school. I wore good underwear and a camisole, which is like a t-shirt, but for girls. The school was boring. Sam didn't tell anybody about me, and we won't either. Mom says there's no need to stir things up. At least I had my hair nicely done and didn't have that nasty gunk in it. I even had bangs. Nelson said I looked like a sissy, but I told him I looked the way I wanted to. He didn't say anything back, and I thought that was strange.

I played hopscotch with Sam and Cindy during lunch, which I had never done before. I don't remember who won because we laughed and talked too much. I think it's nicer when you don't care who wins.

After school, we all walked home holding hands. Boys don't like to hold hands with other boys. It was funny, but kind of nice not to think about things like that. It just shows your friends; I guess boys believe everything that isn't manly must be gay.

We went to my house. I changed into some nice clothes. I wore a red skirt and a white blouse. Cindy was surprised when she saw me. Her mouth was wide open, and she said, "Oh my god, Tommy," after I told her about Tammy. She thought it was cool. She agreed to keep the information a secret.

Luckily Tonya's house isn't too far away. I don't want everyone to know, but I don't want to be scared of being myself. When the nanny saw me, she said that was much better than my tomboy look. She doesn't even know I'm not a girl yet. We had a tea party. Tonya really likes us three girls instead of her teddy bears. I like this job, it's so easy.

When Glenn came home, I told him I had told my mother, and he was really happy. He would have to tell my mom by Monday if I didn't. I think he was worried that I would go nuts, which is probably true. He also paid me for the week.

Cindy went home, and Sam's father picked us up. He complimented my appearance. I asked him how he knew I was a girl inside. Apparently, he was curious about me and some of the things I did, such as the way I held myself and spoke when I wasn't trying to be macho. While I was taking my IQ test, he slipped in a test to determine my brain gender. Brains are supposed to have genders, I guess mine is pink, haha.

Well, Sam's took me to a jewelry store, and I bought my mom a charm. Well, it's half a heart, but her side says daughter, and mine says mom or something. Isn't that great? It's my first jewelry. My mother loved it, and I loved that she loved it. Well, I'm going to Sam's for a sleepover, and I'll write you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 11th, Dear Mrs. Diary. Last night was so much fun. I felt better than the first time because I was a real girl this time, rather than pretending to be a girl. This time, I tried to be myself. I was crying while watching a sad movie and didn't care who saw me. The movie ended up better because I got into it. It was still sad that the boy got stabbed at the end, he was kind of cute.

Later, her mom took us to the mall so her Dad could watch football. I still want my team to win tomorrow. I got my ears pierced, and I have 2 little hearts in them. Sam's mom took a picture; I looked like such a goofball. After that, we went shopping for my new dress. It's a real nice one for my birthday next week.

Afterward, we got two new pairs of shoes, one for walking around and the other for running. I also got a pair that matched my party dress. After that, we went back to my house. Mom totally loved the dress and earrings. She said I looked like a young lady. Haha. That's awesome, isn't it? Well, I am going to talk to Vince on the phone. Bye

Sunday, January 12th. I think this will be my last entry, Mrs. Diary. Thank you for everything you helped me with and for giving me ideas. I got another diary, and I will start writing in that one as Tammy, not some silly boy pretending to be Tammy. Sam's father wants to read you, so you can let him see my secrets, but no one else. There is no doubt that this won't be easy, and I will need to consider my life carefully. You have a lot of empty pages too, but you will always be my favorite Mrs. Diary. Although I won't read you every day, I will occasionally glance at it. Tomorrow I start my new life. Kiss Kiss, goodbye, I love you.