Tammy's Diary - Part 3

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I was in a nowhere situation, Miss Diary. It was apparent that my nails were painted. There are so many unfair things in life; why can't boys wear makeup or nail polish? What's the big deal if boys do have painted nails? If they do, they are labeled as gay or queer men; I don't want to be categorized as either because I am a girl, and girls can wear nail polish. But as Tommy with painted nails, it will be a nightmare. Unfortunately, Miss Diary, I cannot avoid going to school. I was lucky today since I wore sneakers and had no gym or swimming period in school, so I didn't have to visit the boys' locker room today. And for the nail paint, I can hide them in my jeans pockets, and no one will even notice, so I would pass out the day without getting caught.

With my hands in my pockets, I walked toward the school. The first lecture of our class was history, and our teacher taught us how World War I began. As we had to take notes from the whiteboard, I was terrified as hell. In our classroom, each student sits by their roll number according to the instructions given to them. The desk I was allocated was in row three. Among the five rows, I sat in the middle. On my right was a young man named Rayan, and on my left was an unfamiliar girl.

While I was very cautious to my fingers, locking and placing them down, I'm unsure how long I'm able to hide them. I quickly retrieved my notebook and pen from my school bag and began writing down notes. As I looked around the classroom, thank God nobody was looking at me, so I started writing the notes. Within mere seconds, Raya called my name, asking me if I had a spare pen. I instantly said no, but the truth was that I had two extra pens, but I didn't want to give it to him, as you know the reason.

However, Rayan didn't stop. He told me to check my bag, or he will check.

Telling about Rayan, he was on the school football team and a bully. He had no problem getting whatever he desired. As he stood, I was afraid he would simply snatch my bag, which had lipstick in it, which I always keep in my bag. I did not think about why I kept it, but as it was, I had it and did not want Rayan to find out about it.

All of a sudden, he came beside me and tried to snatch my bag, but my reflex kicked in, one benefit of playing baseball, and I grabbed my bag in a quarter of a second. Miss Diary, I got my bag luckily, but it was about to get worse. I neglected my pretty painted red nails because I was so focused on my bag. As I was covering my bag against Ryan, I noticed that my nails were exposed. The girl next to me instantly groaned to the teacher that I was wearing nail polish.

Honestly, Miss Diary, you need to kill me; after all, this only happens with me. Nail polish wasn't prohibited, but you don't see guys with painted nails; maybe some band members painted them black, but mine was a very deep shade of red. This was another numb experience because I had no support, and the school would not tolerate what I'd done.

She complained about my painted nails because I was a boy, as she smiled wickedly and pointed at me. As I watched her, I saw her nails, which were also painted in pale pink. It was so embarrassing that everyone was gazing and laughing out loud. Rayan roared at me, calling me a sissy and a fagot. Can you imagine the whole scene, Miss Diary? Perhaps being in hell would be better than being in this dumbfound situation.

My teacher called me over as she asked why I was wearing nail paint? Does she have a problem with that? I really don't have an answer to give, and I just wanted to tell her that I like nail paint. But Miss Diary I just kept in my mind. I felt like a clown; everyone made fun of me. It was too much for me. What dispirited me most was how Sam and Cindy neglected me, simply keeping their heads down. Rather than crying, I felt so numb I didn't sense anything at that point.

As I write this, Miss Diary, I cannot help but cry, thinking about it. I was in trans; I don't know which world I was in; it was dark though, very dark like a well of darkness, a place you can't flee from. I was asking myself, was it really worth becoming a girl in that dark world? Would the school accept me as Tammy? Could I ever be happy as a girl? And many other discomforting questions I don't have a definite answer to.

I don't know how much time was in Trans, but the teacher was roaring at me because I was standing still and not giving her any reaction. I returned to my senses when she told me to come with her to the principal office since I was violating the school's dress code. Holding my hand tight, she led me down to the principal's office. On the way, she asked me, did you get your nails done at a beauty salon? I said yes, and nothing else.

As we entered the principal's office, my teacher placed my hands on his desk. The principal's expression changed as he examined my nails. And ask me again the same dumb question, why did I paint my nails? I straightaway replied to him because I like to, then he exclaimed that boys don't do girls' stuff? I gently answered him, so that's what you think about it then, so take me as a girl, Mr. Principal?

My teacher said this was not the way to talk to the principal. The principal immediately called at my house; I was worried in any case that my Dad should not take the call from the principal, and as foreseen, the worst happened, and Dad received the call. What a rotten day! The principal notified Dad to come into the office right away.

The principal was goggling at me; maybe he was staring at my clothes. I assume he noticed that I was wearing girl's clothing. After I stood up, he said, Tommy, you are also violating the dress code. It was senseless for me to argue, so I just remained silent. Miss, I felt like crying at that moment, but I stayed strong and contained my emotions. I know I was still Tommy in school, and they expected me to act like and dress like one. But what about my feelings? They don't care about them.

I politely asked the principal if he could please call my mother since the principal had only communicated with my Dad, and he said fine and asked me to give her office number. When he called my Mom, he said she should come straight to school. He sounded like I had killed someone. After that, he instructed the clerk to tell him when my parents showed up in his office. It would have been easier for me just to leave school, but I stayed and waited instead.

My Dad was the very first one to arrive. While he was sitting next to me, he skimmed at me brutally. The clerk called up the principal, and the end game of Tammy began. After a long-winded conversation, the principal asked Dad why his son (that was me) was doing girl stuff and why I was allowed to do it. The principal asserted that a school could not tolerate such nonsense conduct from boys. I remember my Dad saying it wasn't his fault and that if anyone was to blame, it was my Mom. Later, my Dad told him everything about me, spilled my secret about being Tammy, and showed him photos of my birthday.

When Mom arrived, she was looking at the principal, who was stunned upon seeing the images. Then Mom came to me and held my hand. If I had the gun, Miss Diary, at that moment, I would have just shot my Dad; he just came again to demolish everything. And the principal said that my Mom caused me to be Tammy. Then he warned my parents and me that such behavior wouldn't be tolerated at school. The school is not the place for me to pretend to be a girl. If I do so, I will be suspended for constructing an unethical impression towards other pupils and also will degrade the school's reputation. My Dad assured the principal that Tammy is a boy and always will be one. In my total disbelieve, I said, please stop this and run away from the office.

As I stammered outside the school, I cried aloud as my mother followed me and tried to stop me. I just kept on running and running till I got tired. Believe it or not, Miss Diary, I had never run that much in my whole life. I was so numb probably you couldn't understand that, Miss Diary. I kept on running, and I didn't know where I was going but I kept on running because I wanted to be alone and didn't want to talk to anyone. After running and walking for almost an hour, I saw a park and went inside. It was probably noon, so no one was in the park. As I was walking inside the park, there was a small lake. After watching the lake for a moment, I wished to drown and end my life and problems. All of a sudden an anonymous voice interrupted me: young man, what are you thinking about? With his long brown hair, he resembled Jesus, with sparkling blue eyes and all-white clothing.

Miss Diary, maybe he was Jesus maybe out, we talked for a while, he asked me why I was not in school? I lied to him and said that I had to prepare for the exam, that's why I didn't want to go to school. He said it was not the actual reason in his divine voice and told me not to worry; God is with you. He then told me he would drop me at my home because my parents would be worried about me, and I didn't have money or know where I was. After I said yes, he held my hand, and we walked outside the park towards his car. He was very kind and gentle, and he made me feel proud of who I was.

We arrived at my house, and I said thank you. He told me that if anything goes bad, I should call him. I was about to say goodbye to him, and I wondered how could I call him since I did not have his number. When I asked him for his contact information, he said I already knew, and then he got into his car and vanished. If it hadn't been for him, I don't know what I would have done, Miss Diary; perhaps he was God.

When I entered, my Mom embraced me in tears. And my Dad stood up from the sofa as well. He apologized to me and asked where I had been. I told them everything.

Likewise, my mother thought the man from the park was Jesus, but my Dad said he wasn't. Then I ask my Dad does he like me as a Tammy? He answered me; he really doesn't like me like Tammy and wants his son back. After hearing this answer, I didn't feel anything because I was now confused about who I am was. I told them I needed some time and went into my room. Since I was drained from running and crying, I changed into some boy's clothes and just lay on the bed. Eventually, I did fall asleep.

As soon as I woke up, I called Mom because I was hungry, but she didn't answer. When I skimmed around the house, no one was present. I saw a note from Mom on the fridge. The note states that she has to return to her workplace, and she has kept food in the fridge. While I was reading the note, the doorbell rang. I opened the door only to find Sam and Cindy there. Without saying anything, I just hugged them. We didn't talk that much, as I was not in the mood; after a few minutes, they went saying sorry, and I went to my room, closing my door and just lay down on my bed for no reason.