The Real Me - Chapter 18

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Rachel went to sleep in the family home. She had made certain, twice at least, that every door and window was closed and shut securely, bolted or locked. After the shock of wreckage that had been Daniella’s room, she was nervous, even though her Dad doted on her. She was in bed just after ten. She settled and took up her book, the ten o’clock news burbled quietly and when she became too tired to read, she would turn out the light, and the news on snooze would send her to sleep. It was a method she had used time and again. She put down her book, about to turn out the light but thought she had better check the doors again.

She got out of bed and almost tiptoed down the stairs, she knew not why. She tested the doors. All was secure, as she had really known it was. It was only her own insecurity that had doubted. She peeped from behind a curtain into the street. All was quiet, no movement to be seen. But what if, she thought, he is already in the rear garden. From behind the lounge curtains, she opened them a chink and peeped out, fearful she would find a face peeping in, eyes meeting with her eyes. Nothing. Shivering from the coolness of an almost unoccupied house and her own fearfulness, she climbed the stairs again, silently in case someone lurking without would hear.

She jumped into bed, switched out the light, and pulled up the covers. The news on the radio droned on, more on Europe, immigrants and Frau Merkel, Trump and the trade war, Brexit. She wouldn’t ever sleep. She was asleep in seconds. She awoke to the tone of her mobile phone, buzzing and jumping on the bedside table. The bedside clock gave the time as five-fifty. She felt as if she had only been asleep for a couple of hours. ‘Hello,’ she answered, drowsily and warily. ‘Rachel, it’s DC Anna Rainsford.’ ‘Mm, hello Anna.’ ‘Rachel, we have her. She walked into Charing Cross police station this morning.’ ‘Thank God. Thank you. Is she OK?’

‘A bit distressed, but she’s OK. Wants to come home. I’ve said you will go down and collect her.’ ‘Of course. I’ll get up now, catch an early train and have a bit of breakfast in London.’ ‘Good. There’s a social worker looking after her at the police station, but she’s asking for you, Rachel. Let me know when you arrive home and, in a day or two, when she feels well enough, we will need to interview her about your father.’ ‘Sure. Thanks, Anna.’ ‘Charing Cross Police station, Agar Street, that’s A G A R. I’ll let you go then.

Take some ID. They won’t hand her over without, a driving license will do.’ ‘Yes, thank you, Anna.’ ‘I’ll be in touch.’ ‘I hope so. Bye Anna.’ Rachel wondered whether she would actually see Anna again. It seemed to matter more than she thought it would or ought to. At times she had found Anna’s penetrating questions and almost sardonic wit, annoying. She was sure Anna had flirted, that stuff about omnivore and tasting her. She giggled and shook her head. Surely not!

It was the second time she had laughed in the last two days. Well, she wouldn’t worry about that. She showered and dressed, jeans, top, and a little jacket. She ran the straighteners through her hair and made her face, eyebrows, and mascara. She caught the bus into the town and was on the station platform within an hour of waking. By eight she was on the Underground.

She emerged by the river Thames at Embankment station, trying to get her bearings. She asked the way to Charing Cross and followed a woman’s pointing arm, up the hill away from the river. At the top of the street, she came to the Strand, saw the sign for the Police Station, and crossed into Agar Street. She mounted the steps, just as Dannie had four hours ago. At the desk, an officer in uniform asked what she wanted. ‘I’ve come to collect Daniella Artherton. I’m her sister.’ ‘Yes, Miss. I’ll fetch someone to look after you.’

She sat and waited. After ten minutes, she was taken through by a young policewoman. She was taken into an interview room before introductions were made. ‘I’m PC Adelle Williams. You’re Daniella Artherton’s sister?’ ‘Yes. I was told I’d need ID. Here’s my driving license.’ Adelle glanced at it. ‘Thanks, but I saw you on TV. OK, she’s quite safe, no harm done. She’s really scared of your Dad, that’s why she ran away. Is he still going to be a problem when you return?’

‘No, the local police have traced him to a channel ferry crossing. He has a domestic violence protection order against him too.’ ‘Good. If he is to be a continued danger to Daniella, we would have to take her into care. But you think there’s no need for that?’ ‘No. I’ve told the mother that I’m moving out, buying a new house, and taking Dannie with me, whether Mum wants to come or not.’ ‘You are positive you’ll not leave Daniella in the family home?’

‘Absolutely.’ ‘What do you do, your career Miss Artherton?’ ‘I’m a solicitor, commercial law, training for the bar.’ ‘Oh, I see. Good, then everything seems in order. Let’s go and find a little sister. She’s a sweet kid, I wouldn’t like any harm to come to her, that’s why I was a little officious. Family cases are never easy. The police aren’t very good at them.’ ‘No, so I heard.’ They climb stairs and enter the cafeteria. ‘Have you eaten?’ Williams asks.

‘No. As soon as I heard, I started out.’ ‘Well, they are still serving breakfast, flakes or porridge, and or a fry-up. Daniella hasn’t eaten, I think too worried what you might say to her.’ ‘Well, I’m really hungry. Perhaps we can eat together. Where is she?’ ‘Having a look at our control room. Oh, here she is now.’ Rachel turned and saw little Sis. Rachel held out her arms and seeing that big Sis was welcoming her, Dannie broke into a run. Rachel folded the child in her arms. ‘I’m sorry Rache,’ she sobbed, ‘I just didn’t know what to do.

I was so confused and scared. I thought of going to Jenny but I was frightened he’d follow and I would lose my best friend. I couldn’t phone because this phone I bought is a dud. I didn’t know where Mum was.’ ‘I think Dad has gone abroad. The police are after him. Look you are safe now. I told Mum I intend to move out. I can’t find a flat, they seem to be like hens’ teeth, so I’ll take the biggest mortgage I can and buy a nice house or, if Mum will sell up, we can collectively, buy somewhere nicer.

Whatever, I’ll make sure Dad never hurts you again. Mum should never have let him come near. She realises that finally. OK now?’ ‘Yes, Rache. I’m sorry I caused so much grief.’ ‘Well, I have you back, so all is well.’ They finished a good breakfast, the works, beans, mushrooms, tomato, bacon, sausage, and eggs. Adelle reappeared. ‘Everything OK? Are you happy Daniella?’

‘Yes, thanks. Everything’s OK now.’ ‘Good, then let’s release you to go home. Don’t run away again, it’s not safe for a kid.’ ‘I know. I found out. Being a waitress was fun though.’ ‘Well, perhaps you could do that at home, Friday, or Saturday night, as long as you also do homework.’ Rachel said. ‘The money would be handy for you and if you enjoy it, why not?’ ‘Could I?’ ‘Of course. Lots of young people do it.’

Rachel held Dannie’s hand all the way to Kings Cross railway station and onto the train as if in fear she might yet run off. ‘Mum didn’t come for me,’ Dannie said, once they are settled on the train. It’s the first time, she has mentioned her mother. ‘Mum’s in hospital. She came in after he had beaten you up and wrecked your room. He hit her and she fell the length of the stairs. She’s in hospital. ‘Is she OK?’ ‘She will be and hopefully, that’s the end of trusting Dad.

Besides, the police will hopefully put him away. ‘I remember the blue lights and the sirens. No one came to see me.’ ‘I don’t think anyone realized you were in the house.’ ‘How did he get in the house Rache? We had changed all the locks.’ ‘Let’s not worry about that. You’re safe now. The locks are changed and I hope soon, we will move house to a nice area, maybe somewhere near your friend Jenny.’ Rache tries to steer her away from Mum’s error of allowing their father into the house.

Silence falls as the train speeds away from London. They both have their own thoughts and yet those thoughts are the same, the menace their father represents. Rachel is wondering how she can keep the family together and safe. Dannie is fearful of the reappearance of Dad. ‘Rache, where will I sleep? Dad wrecked my room and broke my bed.’ ‘I bought you a new bed, new carpet, and a dressing table and curtains. We need new linen and we need to paint.’ ‘I thought we were moving?’

‘Yes, that’s what I intend, but we must make the old house smart and saleable. That means tidying everything, including the garden, so we all need to play our part.’ ‘If you show me, I can paint my room Rache.’ ‘I think we might ask nice Mr. Nesbitt to help. He helped clean up your room and I know he’s good at that stuff. You like him, don’t you?’ ‘Does he know I’m a girl Rache?’ ‘I think by now all the neighbors know. You just have to be out and proud.

Dannie, it’s the best way. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. If you had been born with just one arm, would you be ashamed?’ ‘What just one arm? Are babies born like that?’ ‘Sometimes. Babies come into the World with all sorts of disabilities. You cannot help how your brain works darling Dannie, so never be ashamed. Work hard, rise above your disability, make a success of your life and show people, being trans does not mean you are a weird person, frightening or threatening.’ Rachel could see Dannie thinking about that.

She sat looking out of the train window at the countryside rushing by, fields and houses, the main road, the traffic running parallel, traveling considerably slower than the train. ‘Yes,’ Dannie said, after some little while of silence, ‘I understand that Rache, but in English, Miss Southern read this poem and we had to write an essay on it. Robert Burns it was. He said, “Oh would some Power the gift give us, to see ourselves as others see us.” Trouble is, I think I know how others see me, a poufie boy in a dress. That’s not how I want people to see me.

I want them to look at me and see a girl.’ ‘They will. Look the kids at school knew the old Dannie. Even so, some of them Jenny, Lisa, and the rest of your crew, see you as a girl. When you meet strangers in the future, you don’t have to shake hands and say, ‘Daniella Artherton, I used to be a boy.’ They will just see lovely Daniella, a lady.’ ‘Trouble is, I have to believe that myself.’ Dannie replied and sank into her seat, looking out of the train window, more fields, some cows, a tractor working and distant dwellings and a church spire, rushed by.

Rachel said no more. She could see Dannie’s eyes were moist. She too looked out of the window. When she looked back, Dannie was asleep, looking so innocent, an attractive young girl. Rachel wondered whether her little sister would find happiness. She began to doubt her own part in this. Perhaps Dannie was not really trans if she could not believe in herself.

They pulled into Kilbridge station and left the train. Outside they picked up a taxi for home. Fifteen minutes later, they entered their front door. ‘Come up and look at your room. I salvaged what I could, but your little knick-knacks got broken.’ ‘Yes. Damn Dad. Rache he won’t come back will he?’ ‘No, I think he’s gone for good.’ ‘I hope so.’ She inspects her room. ‘It’s nice, more girlie. When can we paint Rache? I’d like to get it finished.’ ‘So, you do really want to be a girl.

This hasn’t changed your mind?’ ‘Well, I don’t want to be like Dad, his mini-me.’ ‘That’s not what this is about, Dannie. It’s about you and how you feel.’ ‘I know Rache, of course. I see myself as a girl. Do you know, waiting in that pub and everyone there saw me as this young girl waitress, treating me as a young girl, even patting my bum, it made me feel good. I felt real. I never felt real before.’ ‘These men were touching you?

Where?’ ‘Just one or two, usually on my bum. I slapped one hand that came too near my crack.’ ‘I would hope so. They shouldn’t be touching you at all. Don’t allow men to do that. Dannie.’ ‘Don’t go over the top Sis. No harm done. Look, the point is, they all saw me as a girl and a girl they wanted to touch. That gave me so much confidence. Like the boy in the phone shop, who wanted to meet me for lunch. OK it would never happen, but if I had the right bits, it could have, it means that there’s a chance I might have a normal life except, I can’t have babies.’ ‘I get that. Well done for getting that job anyway.’ Silence falls between them.

Rachel is both worried and full of admiration for little Sis. Eventually, she says, ‘I’m so impressed that you had the guts to get that job.’ ‘So am I Rache. I was so terrified when I walked into that pub.’ ‘Never ever run away again. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My one thought was you.’ ‘Sis, I love you, Sis. Thanks for looking out for me.’ ‘I can still see the bruise on your forehead. Does it hurt?’ ‘Only if I press on it. Dad won’t come around again will he.’ ‘He’s not allowed to.’ ‘Yeah but you know dad. Whenever did he obey laws.’ ‘Well, let’s think about other things.

Your school friends were worried for you.’ ‘Were they?’ ‘Yes, Jenny’s a really nice, steady girl. Lisa too and some others in your gang.’ ‘Sis, can I tell you something?’ ‘What?’ Rachel saw Daniella color up. ‘I really love Jenny. She’s so level-headed, even. Lisa’s nice, and fun, but Jenn is sweet-natured, common sense. I just love being with her.’ ‘She’s a nice girl and she’s always been your friend, hasn’t she?’

‘Well yes, but she’s everyone’s friend. She’s the only one who didn’t mind sitting with me. That says a lot.’ ‘Well be careful. Don’t go over the top or you might frighten her off. You understand?’ ‘Yes. It’s hard though. You know when we are out together, I want to hold her hand or kiss her cheek, but I’m frightened to.’ ‘Well just be careful. Take it easy. Maybe, she will make the first move, then you’ll know. So, is it girls for you?’ ‘Yes Rache, boys terrify me. I mean they have never liked me or accepted me.

They bully, punch, half throttle, and mock.’ ‘Yet you like they touched you in the pub?’ ‘Because they saw me as a girl. If they had really come on, they’d have scared the shit out of me and, I think I’d have been sick.’

Rachel didn’t know what to say. She put an arm around Dannie and squeezed her into her side. She was rewarded with a kiss on her cheek. ‘Sloppy kid.’ She said, but she glowed within. She realized at that moment, there was still a lot she didn’t understand about her trans sibling.