Just another girl - Chapter 5

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Our routine was something that we clearly enjoyed, and although I was never able to discuss it more in-depth or from a more adult perspective with Sandy, I am sure that she felt the same as I did or at least something very similar.

Those hours of living as a girl were by far the best of each day, although as I mentioned before, most of the activities were the same or very similar to those I would do as a boy, the simple fact of seeing myself as a girl, of using the clothes with which I felt good, with which I felt myself, made me enjoy things more. The fact that I was also part of a group of girls and that no one even doubted that I was just another girl in the group was something simply indescribable.

That was enough to give joy to the rest of the day, to life in general, although it wasn't terrible, it was getting more and more uncomfortable for me, having to dress as a boy for the rest of the day. Going to an all-male school really disgusted me! Not because of the other children, really, nobody dared to bother me, they all knew that I could defend myself, and I had learned to hide any feminine trait of my personality to avoid problems. What bothered me was being in a place where I didn't feel like I belonged where I had to pretend all the time to be something I wasn't. I just couldn't wait to get home so I could change and be myself even if it was only for three hours.

We were very close to the end of the school year, a day like any other, I came home from school and changed before eating, I remember that day I was particularly tired of wearing the school uniform, and I chose a super girly velvet summer dress blue with sequins, sleeveless with a round knee-length skirt, ruffle detail at the neckline and straps, and a satin bow at the waist and one-inch heel ballerinas with criss-cross straps and glitter.

I sat down to eat and when I was finishing, Sandy arrived already dressed, it was something we had started doing a few weeks before to take advantage of the afternoon, she arrived already dressed from her apartment with her boy's clothes in a bag. That day she was wearing a yellow dress with a slightly longer skirt, with straps and black ballerinas.

We looked in the mirror like we did every day to make sure everything was okay, put on some lip gloss, and headed out. We had walked about 60 yards across the parking lot on our way to the shopping area and playground we went to every day when a blue Chevrolet Malibu pulled up almost in front of us.

Since I saw the car, it seemed familiar to me, I stopped Sandy.

I think it's my aunt's car.

Are you sure? She told me nervously. What do we do?

A lady got out of the car and when I could see her clearly I was sure it was my aunt, Jessie, my mom's sister.

Yes, she is! Runs!

I have gone over that moment in my mind hundreds of times. I'm sure that if we had just kept walking, nothing would have caught her attention to see two girls walking; We could have run to the commercial area to get away quickly, we could have run to Sandy's house and stayed there, we could have even run to my apartment but entered through my bedroom window so that she wouldn't see us coming through the door. At that point, it only occurred to us to run to my apartment and enter through the front door.

We entered, straight to my room, we took off our dresses as fast as we could, we threw everything inside the closet, all messy, when we heard the key in the door.

Who's there? My aunt asked as she entered.

I put on my uniform as best I could, looked in the mirror to make sure I didn't have any lip gloss on, I wiped what was left with my arm, and left the room trying to hide my nerves.

Hello aunt, what are you doing here?

Your mom asked me to bring her a notebook that she forgot in her bag yesterday, you don't know where it could be?

No. It must be in her room, I think yesterday she used the black one. I said.

It was clear from her face that she had seen us.

Who are you with? she asked.

With my friend Carlos. I answered

And anyone else?

No, we were watching TV.

She looked at the television, which was off.

Well, I'm going to look for your mom's notebook and I'm going so you can continue playing.

My aunt left and we were terrified.

Do you think he saw us? I asked Sandy.

I don't know. What would happen? What do you think your mom would do? she asked.

I don't know.

But would she say something to my mom? Sandy asked me.

Maybe I can tell her that it wasn't you, that it was Anna, I told her.

That afternoon we didn't go out anymore, nor the days that remained of that week. On Thursday, leaving my karate class, my mom told me:

Your aunt told me that you were there when she arrived. she hesitated about how to say it. Playing with your sister's things.

Me? Nope! I denied everything as any man would.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Well, I don't like you playing with your sister's things and you know that she doesn't either.

Okay, Mom.

That was the whole conversation. I wondered if my aunt hadn't really told her anything else, but in reality, I was sure that my mom knew more than she was telling me.

On Friday I told Carlos what had happened and although we were both very sure that my aunt had seen us and she knew that the two girls running around in a dress were us, we wanted to think that she had not told my mom what he saw. Maybe my mom really didn't know.

Now I understand that her level of denial was extraordinary, she preferred to pretend she didn't see what was in front of her, before accepting that something was happening to me.

We talked about what we should do if something similar happened to us again and the following week we went out again with our friends, we were much more careful, instead of going out the door, we went out through a window in my room so that no one would see us leave. or enter the apartment, we looked out before to make sure that there was no one nearby, on the way back we made sure that no one was inside the apartment before entering.

The truth is that last month, we didn't enjoy it as much, it was more the fear that they would see us again and we were much more aware that it could happen and that it would be a serious problem. Instead of feeling like we had all year, just like girls, for that month, we felt like fakes. All the time aware of doing wrong, all the time with guilt.

Summer vacations arrived and I went with my father and my brother. During those vacations there was no moment out of the ordinary; my dad bought me a long sweatshirt that could cover me below the hips and could look pretty girly, but other than that, I was just Mario, and as usual, it was a really good vacation even though I missed Valerie. In the mornings I looked at my clothes trying to find something to wear that wouldn't make me feel ugly, but all I had was boy's jeans and T-shirts. I had no options.

Something had happened during this year, something had changed in me. I wondered if it was just my age, I really didn't know, but unlike previous years, although the vacations and living with my father and brother were very good, I didn't feel good about myself.

The day my dad went to drop me off at my mom's apartment, she was waiting for me outside, which was unusual, but at that time it didn't catch my attention.

As always, I said goodbye to my dad, got out of the car, greeted my mom, and went into the apartment to find it empty. I did not understand anything. I asked my mom what had happened.

Pretending to be very excited, she told me that during the holidays she had gotten engaged to Adolf and that since they were getting married in a couple of weeks, they had already moved in early. That I just got in the car to go to our new house.

I went into my room but it was empty, don't worry, she told me, we already took everything and there you will have a bigger and more beautiful bedroom! I didn't say anything, but I knew that among my things there were tights, headbands, girl's magazines, and probably a couple of skirts that I would never return to my sister's closet.

Let's go! Aren't you excited?

I wasn't excited; I felt much more fear of not being sure how many things they would have found in my room, and sadness about leaving everything behind.

But, my friends? I asked her.

Don't worry, we can come to visit them.

You're fine? I asked referring to what she might have found.

I am happy! My mom said.

We got in the car and left.

Adolfo lived in a wooded area on the outskirts of the city. My mom earned well on television, but Adolf was rich, or so it seemed. His house was more like a mansion, it had three floors, and 7 bedrooms, all with a bathroom and dressing room, dining room, music room, game room, and room-to-room communication system, but the telephones to call abroad had a padlock to prevent calls went out.

He was also divorced and lived with his daughter and two sons, ages sixteen, fourteen, and twelve, respectively. The only bearable one was the eldest daughter, the two sons saw us and treated us like invaders who came to steal their father's money.

The house was spectacular and my room was well decorated with everything a boy could want in his room, but Adolf and his children were insufferable.

Before classes started, they cut my hair and gave me a new uniform from a new school. Again just for boys, but instead of being Marist, this school belonged to Opus Dei, the group of fanatics to which Adolf belonged. Do not misunderstand me, I have nothing against any religion, on the contrary, to this day I consider myself religious, I just do not tolerate hypocrites who hide behind an institution to judge or criticize others as if they were morally superior.

The first weekend came and for the first time, my dad didn't pick me up. I asked my mom if she knew anything and she said no. I didn't get the second or third week either. My mom said that maybe he was angry that she was getting married again.

At Christmas, I didn't hear from my dad either. In short, I had lost everything again. This time I had even lost my father and my brother. I couldn't help feeling all this like a punishment for that afternoon when my aunt saw me.

In the spring, they thought that I had already resigned myself and gotten used to that life. Adolf had the magnificent idea of getting me into football. (not soccer) I can say that it wasn't as bad as it might seem. Of course, with my size, I looked really ridiculous, but I was quite agile and I was never scared, so they chose me as a Half-Back (running back), I learned the plays and soon I felt like part of the team, I could enjoy the practices and Although we weren't really a winning team, we defended ourselves and had a good season.

Of course, my agility and speed were not enough to avoid the blows, so in the middle of the season, I had bruises all over my body, even, I had new bruises on the old bruises, but with the karate matches, I had gotten used to receiving blows. and far from suffering it, I enjoyed those hours outside the house and found an extra benefit: the cheerleaders. They trained at the same time as us on the side of the field, and they were my biggest distraction.

I spent so much time watching them that most of my teammates and my coaches started asking me which one I liked the most. And yes, there were several very pretty ones, especially one called Adriane, I certainly liked her, but that wasn't the reason why I constantly looked at them, rather than liking them, I envied them.

I would come home thinking about their routines: all the exercises and pirouettes they did, I had learned years ago, if anything, I wondered how difficult it would be to do a somersault with the impulse of other girls and keep my balance while they held me up high standing on their hands.

It had been about eight months since we moved into Adolf's house and therefore since the last time I had seen my father and brother. Every day I was more convinced that he could not have simply forgotten about me, but I had no way to contact him, I had already looked for his phone number in the yellow pages and it did not appear, until one day it occurred to me to look for my grandmother, and I found the phone. I couldn't call from home because the phones had padlocks, but I looked for coins in the house and put them away, and when I left school the next day, I called my grandmother from a public phone.

Granny? It's me, Mario.

Mario? Where are you? Your dad has been looking for you for a year! Are you Ok?

Yes, we're fine, but why hasn't he come?

Because your mom moved house without notifying him! I'm telling you that he has even searched for you with the police! Where are you? Where can your dad see you?

I gave her the details of my new school and put the phone down to wait for them to come for me with new hope. Before hanging up, my grandmother told me that the next day my father was going to pick me up, not to say anything to anyone, and to walk to the back corner of the school when I left.

The day passed like any other, the next morning before leaving I put my Las Vegas leggings in my backpack, and put on the long sweatshirt over my uniform sweater. When school was over I ran to the door and from there to the back corner. There my dad was already waiting in his car with the door open and the engine running. He hugged me happily and put me in the car and we left.

We drive a few blocks, pull into the parking lot of a nearby restaurant, and turn off the engine.

Finally! He pulled me and hugged me tightly.- My son! You do not know how much I miss you! Let me see!

He separated from me and saw everything, he noticed the bruises on my arms, shoulders, legs, and back.

What happened?

Nothing, don't worry, I'm on a football team, and since I'm a runner, they tackle me often.

He just nodded.

Do you bring some clothes that you can put on to eat something and talk? We need to decide what we are going to do.

Just the sweatshirt and what you bought me in Vegas.

Very well, put them on so no one sees you in uniform.

I changed quickly in the back seat of the car and left with the sweatshirt up to my waist, this time I didn't have time to adjust my underwear or hide anything. My dad saw me and pulled the sweatshirt down so it was below the hips, like a short dress.

Let's go. We have a lot to talk about. Your brother arrives when he gets out of high school.

We entered the restaurant, my dad ordered what he was going to eat, and as usual, even with my short hair, the waiter asked: and for the lady? I didn't know what to answer, I was afraid that my dad would also reject me for being like that. My dad didn't care and asked me:

Is the hamburger package with fries and soda okay?

I nodded and the waiter left. My dad asked me what had happened after he left me in the apartment at the end of the vacation, I told him everything; that the apartment was empty when I arrived, that they had already moved in, and that my mother said that he was not looking for us because he was angry.

He told me that since that day he had been looking for us, that he had even filed a legal complaint, but that the police did not seem to be doing anything to find us. He explained to me that the worst thing about our country was corruption, that anything could be done with money, and that was probably why the police hadn't come looking for us.

Then he asked me if we were okay, if we were happy. I told him that my sister looked happy, but I didn't. That I didn't like the place, that I couldn't stand Adolf's children and that I didn't like my school. He asked why I didn't like school and the first thing that came out was:

Because it's only for male children! There is no reason for me to be there! I realized what I had said and added: I hate the uniform, I hate school!

He just nodded.

What do you want to do?

I did not understand the question. It had been a long time since anyone cared what I wanted.

Do you want to come live with us? Do you want to change schools? Do you want to do something different other than football?

Yes, Yes! I mean, I do want to live with you, but I don't want to stop seeing my mom.

Don't worry, I wouldn't do that. Right now we're going to look for Adolf's house phone to call your mom and let her know you're with me.

That worried me.

Don't worry, he told me. I have everything ready, the judge already said that you can live with us, we just needed to find you and find out if you wanted. And that's something I want you to know: that here, you can be and do what makes you happy, as long as you don't do anything illegal and do what corresponds to you, which is school; here things are not like in that house in the one you were.

We continued talking about everything that had happened since we stopped seeing each other. About Football, I told him that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue, I liked it but sometimes I felt that it wasn't a sport for me. He asked what kind of school I wanted to go to, I just told him one that received boys and girls.

When we finished eating we went to the pay phone, he found Adolf Frick's phone number and talked to my mom. In short, he told her that because he had disappeared with us, the judge had already given him legal custody and that there was already a kidnapping complaint against Adolf and her, but that he would not proceed if she simply let him see my sister again and even, they could set days for my mom to see me.

After hanging up he told me it was done; that we would go buy new clothes and that the next day we would go find a school that I liked.

We went to buy clothes at a Walmart, and my dad said that we needed at least the basics for the next few months; Since I had nothing, we put in several pairs of pants, T-shirts, a couple of long-sleeved shirts, socks, underwear and a couple of sweatshirts. Everything was fine, and it was new, but it did not cause me any emotion. On our way to the checkout counter, we passed the girls' area. I couldn't help but see the clothes that were there. I even ran my hand through the dresses as I walked.

My dad noticed and stopped. He said that it was not worth taking so many things, that we should only take what is essential for the next few days and then we would see what was worth buying. He took out almost the entire cart and left only two pairs of jeans, two t-shirts, a package of white socks, and one of the boy's underwear. He looked up to search and from a shelf, he took out light blue pajamas that said "Disney Princess"

You also need something to sleep in. He said as he put it in the cart without asking anything.

I was happy, but at the same time, I was afraid to show any emotion. It was easier to think that my father had chosen that one just because it was the one that was close.

We arrived at his new house, it was not a mansion, but it was a good house with three bedrooms, the main one with a bathroom and dressing room, and the other two shared a bathroom. He explained to me that the rent was thinking that one bedroom could be shared by my brother and me and the other could be for my sister, but for the time being, I would stay in the one that was empty so that each of us would have their own room. I packed my things and went down to dinner.

Do you like your room? my dad asked me. –I know that it has nothing special, but there will be time to decorate it with whatever you like.

Yes, it's very good.

And by the way: what do you like? My dad asked me.

Well, I like football. I told him not very convinced, and, karate.

No, well, you had already told me that football didn't feel like a sport for you, but I don't mean that, I meant: Do you like a boy?

I did not answer.

He put his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes.

It is important that you know that it does not matter, what you tell me, if you like boys or girls or giraffes, it makes no difference to me, I love you the same and I only ask you to know how I can help you be happy. Is it clear?

I nodded.

Then. Are you sure? Don't you like anyone at your school or on your football team?

I hesitated a bit before answering.

No, none in particular. I told him that's not my problem.

So you like a girl?

Well yes, more or less, a friend named Sarah, I thought about it, like analyzing my feelings. But it is rare.

Why is it strange, he asked me. You told me that wasn't your problem, what is?

That I like her, and I like girls, but I would also like to be like them.

I started to cry.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if I'm crazy.

My dad hugged me.

No, there is nothing wrong with you, don't worry, thanks for telling me what you feel.

I couldn't stop crying, but at the same time, I was so relieved that I had said it. My dad wiped my tears and looked at me with a smile.

Don't cry, everything is fine, I imagined that something like this was happening, I just didn't know what.

How did you know? Asked.

First, because you are my son, I know you, and,

He picked me up and put me in front of a mirror. I could see myself with the leggings and the sweatshirt that looked like a dress.

You see? He asked me. It is not very difficult to realize, the waiter knew! He told me laughing.

I laughed a bit.

Also, before moving, your mom called me frequently to complain that you played a lot with your sister's makeup and things like that.

Seriously? I asked very surprisedly.

He nodded his head.

But why am I like this dad? Can someone fix it for me?

There's nothing to heal. The sick are healed and you are not sick at all. But if you want, we can go to my friend Serge, who is a psychologist, not to cure you, but to help you understand what you feel.

I nodded.

Tomorrow we go, but right now the important thing is that you know that there is nothing wrong with you. Your brother and I will be with you and we will support you in whatever you need. I love you very much!

He hugged me, dried my tears, and said:

Go put on your new pajamas and try to sleep, tomorrow is going to be a good day!