Just Another Girl - Chapter 6

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The next day, it was Friday, my brother went to school and I went with my dad to his construction company, I was normal, with the new jeans and t-shirt that he had bought me. He had to make sure that the architects finished a remodeling project for a department store that they were going to present a few days later and details of other constructions before he could vacate, whenever I accompanied him he would show me how they did the plans, and different aspects of engineering and managing a construction company. I was never good at math, but thanks to those sessions with my dad, ever since then I understand and appreciate architecture and great engineering works

The appointment with the psychologist was at 5:00 pm. During the meal, my dad told me that he had treated him and helped him a lot during the divorce with my mom; I did not know that he had been in therapy, he explained to me that he sought professional support for all the changes that occurred in his life with the separation, that in addition to what he missed my sister, me and even my mother, He viewed divorce as one of the biggest failures in a man's life.

He explained that therapy helped him realize how his family's and society's expectations had affected him to the point of making him feel that he did not deserve to be happy.

I was confused; I perfectly understood the feeling of not being what they expect of you, but I had never imagined that my dad could feel like this, on the other hand, I didn't know if I was really going to be able to speak and tell the psychologist what was happening to me, not even I understood, I only knew that it was not correct.

Finally, the time came, we arrived at the office, and we waited for a while in the waiting room until Serge came out, and told us to go to his office.

Once inside, he asked us: How can I help you? My dad told him that the day before he had come to live with him, and that because of everything they had discussed before, he had asked me what I liked, and I told him that I liked girls, but that I wanted to be one of them.

I expected a reaction, but Serge remained calm, he only asked us:

Is that something that worries you?

It is not so much that I worry, but he feels that he is not well. said, my dad.

I understand, said the psychologist. First, you must know what to expect from this process and how it works. Addressing me.

The first thing that is important for you to know is that this is your space, here you can talk absolutely about anything you think or feel, you can get angry, you can cry, you can laugh or you can simply not talk if you don't want to, it's your space and nothing what you say will be judged as good or bad.

Second: I am here to help you understand and give context to what you feel and think with a single objective: to help you be happy. he continued. If a therapeutic process doesn't help you to be happier, it's useless. And as I told you, it's for you, not for your dad or your mom or anyone else, but for you to feel adapted to your environment and therefore happier.

So far everything is clear? he asked me

I nodded my head

Third: everything that you express here is absolutely confidential. I am not going to discuss it with your dad or with anyone except when you permit me to discuss it or in your case, because you are a minor, if your life or the life of someone else were at risk, I would have to discuss it with him. Any questions here?

I shook my head. He asked my dad to wait for me outside. My dad left and I was left alone with the doctor. He asked me how I felt and if I wanted to talk or if I would rather draw some pictures that would help him to get to know me a little. I told him that I preferred to draw, and he took out some white sheets and a pencil. He asked me to draw a human figure. I drew a girl in a knee-length dress, strap-on sneakers, and shoulder-length hair in the back of a room. When she asked me to write a little story about the girl, I wrote that she was a girl who lived in that room and her mom wouldn't let her out. That she dreamed of being free and playing like the other girls.

Then he asked me to draw a human figure of the opposite sex. I drew a younger boy, dressed in a karate suit and in a defense position. For his story, I wrote that he was a kid who practiced karate and that he was practicing for a sparring competition.

On another sheet, he asked me to draw a person, a house, and a tree. I drew a girl in a tank top and short skirt sheltering from the rain under a leafy tree with fruit. In the background was a square, rigid house, without windows and with a small closed door. I wrote the story of a girl who went out to play but it was raining very hard, so she took refuge under the tree, which was her favorite place.

The doctor received the drawings and said that he would analyze them later. That day we did not talk about my desire to be a girl, he only asked me how my relationship with my mother, my sister, my brother, and my father was.

I told him generally that my sister used to be my favorite person, but we had grown apart a few years ago. He told me that time was up and that in the next session we would talk about it if I wanted.

I asked him what the drawings meant and he told me that he was going to study them these days, but in general, the first represents how I see myself. The second is my relationship with the opposite sex, and the third is my relationship with my parents. That we talked about it calmly in the following sessions.

I left that first session a little worried about what the psychologist would see in my drawings but at the same time feeling relieved to be able to talk to someone. He inspired me a lot of confidence.

With the psychologist, in the next session we talked about my sister and inevitably about the rhythmic gymnastics academy, I told him how I enjoyed being part of that group and how my mom promised to sign me up and I ended up in karate. We never really talked about my evenings with Sandy and the group of friends, but I was able to talk to him about how it bothered me to look in the mirror and how I always wondered what I would look like in those clothes.

He also asked me if I had experimented with my sister's clothes and I did not dare to tell him everything, but I did admit to having tried on my sister's clothes in the company of my friend Carlos and how, precisely on the day we dared to go out, my aunt arrived. and saw us Since my dad had told me about my mom's calls, I assumed that he had that history. It didn't make me feel judged, on the contrary, we continued talking as if it were the most normal thing, I even thought about telling him everything I was still hiding.

He asked me how I felt when I tried on my sister's clothes and if I liked feeling pretty when I saw myself in the mirror or attracting attention, I wasn't sure what to answer, but he told me that it was normal to want to look good, I told him that when I looked like that, I just felt like I was seeing myself.

He asked me again how I felt when he saw me in the school uniform, I told him that I didn't like it, that I hated that uniform. Then he asked me how I felt when he saw me without clothes. I told him that I never saw myself in the mirror without clothes. He asked me if I hated the uniform or hated a part of me. I did not speak more. The session is over.

In the next session we talked about moving to Adolf's house and how I lost my house and my friends, he asked me if I was angry with my mother for that, I felt enormous guilt but I had to admit that yes, I was very angry with my mother He asked me if, among all that I lost with that move, I had also lost part of the identity that I was beginning to form. I couldn't keep talking. I just cried.

In the next session, he asked me if I agreed to talk with my dad about what he had seen during these sessions and the options he thought would be the best to continue. I said yes, although I didn't know what to expect. He explained to me that he was not going to talk about what I had told him, but about what he had concluded from our talks and from the tests we had done, then he asked me if there was any subject that I preferred to avoid with my father. I thought about it for a moment, mentally ran through the things we had talked about and nothing came to my mind that could not be mentioned.

He called my dad at the office and told him that we had had some very interesting sessions and that he felt we had made a lot of progress, first I explained that he had done a couple of tests called "Machorver's drawing of the human figure" and HTP, in which he could see, before forming any opinion, what I unconsciously expressed. He said the results were very revealing and very clear.

I listened with all my attention because after all, I had no idea what he was going to say, I didn't know if his diagnosis was going to be that I was simply a degenerate, or I was crazy, or I had to take medication or lock myself up. Although the psychologist had given me confidence during the sessions, at that moment I was very afraid of what he might say.

He explained to us that, contrary to what people thought, sexuality was not linked to identity, that they were separate concepts that in most cases went hand in hand, but not always. Since none of us seemed to understand, he was clearer: he explained that identity is how you perceive yourself, the mental image you have of yourself, and in this case, gender identity, is whether you perceive yourself as a boy or as a girl, but that is not necessarily linked to sexuality, that is, that you can perceive yourself as a man and that does not mean that you like women or you can perceive yourself as a woman that does not mean that you are attracted to men.

He explained something about the Oedipus triangle that I didn't understand at the time, but it explained how in the early years of development before I really had memory, gender identity and sexuality were formed according to Sigmund Freud's theory. Of course, now I can write and explain that as an adult and as a psychologist, but at that moment, I felt like they were speaking to me in Chinese.

After all this explanation, he said that according to the tests that he had done and what we had discussed, indeed I identified myself as a girl and that this made it very difficult for me to integrate into my environment because it was like being in a body. that didn't belong to me, like being in the wrong body.

At no time did he use those words, he told my dad, but I understand that you have felt that way for years. Is that true? He said turning to me.

For me that moment was very impressive, it was like I was with a magician who could read my mind. I just started crying and nodded my head. My dad hugged me and comforted me while I kept listening to the psychologist who went on to explain that there were few studies on children with this situation, not because they don't happen, but because they are normally repressed by society and their families, that he had participated in a study in which they had discovered that many boys and girls with this situation, before facing their parents, preferred to commit suicide.

He told us that precisely because of the little data that there was on children of my age, he could not give a definitive diagnosis, especially because in my case, there seemed to be no relationship between gender identity and sexuality, because apparently, until that moment I only liked girls.

Correct? he asked me

I nodded.

This can complicate the situation a little more during adolescence, because if you start a transition to living as a girl

Transition? Live as a girl? Those words echoed in my mind and generated an indescribable emotion. The doctor continued:

If that were the case, she would be a homosexual girl, and that would also complicate her adaptation to the environment.

At that moment I felt that everything was falling apart again.

But the time will come to deal with that issue, for now, the important thing is to help you define if, as I believe, we are really dealing with a gender identity issue, or if it is just a matter of development and curiosity that could be temporary.

Could it be something like that? my dad asked.

It is very unlikely, but since until now, she has never had the opportunity to experience life as a girl, it could happen that when she experiences it, it turns out not to be what she imagined. Especially for not matching gender identity with sexuality.

Trying to understand, I asked.

To experience? How?

Addressing my dad.

I know that it is not necessary to mention it to you because I know you, but anyway, it is important that for this, there is a total commitment of support and acceptance, during a trial period so that she can experience it even if it is a little bit of what life would be like as a girl.

It was the first time he referred to me as "she" I couldn't believe my ears.

Of course, you can count on that support! Said, my dad.

And also from your eldest son and anyone else who might be aware.

My dad nodded and put his hand on my shoulder.

What is there to do? my dad asked.

We need, if she wants, to give her the opportunity to live as a girl at least for a couple of weeks one hundred percent. This includes being talked to, treated, and, above all, behaving like a girl during that period, so that later, having lived through it, she can know if she wants to be a boy again or if she wants to start a transition process.

Addressing me.

Would you like it?

A combination of excitement and panic washed over me. I didn't know what to answer, what was my dad going to think? Was he going to keep loving me? I was about to say no. My dad intervened.

Would you like to try that? It would only be a few days, and if you don't like it, after that you tell us and you go back to your life as a boy.

Yes! I won't want to go back, I'm sure! I told him with tears in my eyes.

Don't get ahead of anything, said the psychologist. You have to plan it and there is no commitment, the important thing is that you know, that you are part of this therapeutic process and for this reason, no one is going to judge you if you want to continue with a transition or if you want to return to being a boy. You don't have to meet anyone but yourself. Do we agree?

I nodded.

I suggest that you give yourself time, organize and plan it well, you need to have everything ready and it is important that you do not do it as a gradual change, but live as a normal child until one day and the next day start your trial period as a little girl. That will allow you to compare. Did you tell me you have a summer vacation planned? The psychologist asked my dad.

Yes, at the end of the summer. Two weeks.

- That could be a good option. You have a couple of months to plan those two weeks of vacation for her to live as a girl, and when you return, contact me to continue talking and see what's next. Are you ok with it?

We both nodded. My dad got up and shook his hand. The psychologist turned to me.

- It is important that before that trip, you continue your normal activities and that you do everything possible to enjoy them, that is a decision you can make. and as always, you know that if you have a question or any situation you want to talk about, I am available 24/7

We left the office. I can't describe how I felt. I finally had the hope that I could be myself without hiding it and without guilt. At least without hiding it from my dad and with less guilt than usual. That was much more than I could have dreamed of.

It was the first days of May, and my mom had kept my hair short, almost military throughout the year, but since I arrived with my dad, a little over a month before, I had let it grow. Even so, five or six weeks of growth was not enough and what little I had grown was without any form.

The trip my dad had planned for the summer was by plane to Los Angeles, CA. There rent a car, spend a few days in the city, go to Disney, Knott's Berry Farm, and different museums in the city, go to San Diego one day, go back north to San Francisco, and from there to Yosemite National Park and back to Los Angeles to take the return flight 15 days later.

When we began to see the maps to define how many nights in each hotel, how many hours of each road trip, and the activities in each city, I couldn't help but think that I was going to do all of this like Valeria.

In accordance with the psychologist's instructions, during those months I continued my normal life as a boy, even returning to football at the end of the season. Already with the prospect of having a way out, of not having to live as a male forever, indeed I even enjoyed it, I tried to be the best on the team and scored a couple of touchdowns. At one of those games, my mom showed up with Adolf, as we won that game I saw myself as a man with my shoulders and helmet on, she even showed some pride and congratulated me. It was the first time I saw her since the day my dad picked me up.

Things were also better at school, not only was school much more pleasant, but there were girls here and that alone made me feel better, I got along better with the girls than with the boys, but I also got along with them, all the time. As a group, we lived together and there was rarely a fight, but it was not only the environment, I began to see things with a more positive perspective and I realized that the psychologist was right, I could decide to enjoy my days or suffer them. It did not depend on the environment but on my decision, anyway, each day had positive and negative aspects, only I saw them differently, I was happy and full of hope.

My hair was still growing slowly, so the easy fix was to gel it up and comb it back. This is how it looked dressed up for school without having to cut it. Anyway, a few weeks later we had final exams and the school year ended. I was counting the days until our vacation.

With a week to go before our trip, the longest part of my hair was down my neck to my back, but on the sides, it barely passed my ears by a couple of inches and it was all messy. One day I came home from football practice, all sweaty and tired, and my dad sent me to take a bath. When I came out of the bathroom, on the bed was a pale pink pleated short skirt and sleeveless polo-neck top ensemble. To one side were pink panties and converse sneakers.

I could not believe it! Had the day finally come? But my dad had told me that I had to go through customs as a boy so they could check my passport and visa! I looked up and there he was, with a satisfied face.

I called Serge to ask his permission, we need to go get your hair cut and fixed before we leave and I assumed you wouldn't want to go as a boy.

Really? Asked.

Do you want to try it?

Yes! I ran to hug him with the skirt in my hand.

I went into the bathroom and carefully put everything on, of course, I hid the bulge that bothered me so much to see on my body. I saw myself in the mirror and I was fascinated by what I saw, but when I left, I felt very ashamed, my dad had never seen me like this, and I knew that my brother would be around. Although he was aware of everything we had agreed with the psychologist, he had never seen me either.

I left the bathroom slowly and embarrassed, a little hunched over and not daring to look up. The first thing I heard was my brother's voice:

Wow! You look so pretty!

That comment made me raise my face, still embarrassed but with a big smile.

Let me see! Said, my dad.

I straightened up without knowing what to do, he approached me, took me by the hand, and raised my arm to make me turn. I guess my unconscious made me turn in the most feminine way possible, as I had learned with Sarah.

How do you feel? Do you like it?

Well, yes, I love it!

You really look very good! and tomorrow have your hair done, you're going to look gorgeous!

I turned red and hugged them both.

Thank you!

Do you want to go down to dinner like this before you change? my dad asked me.

Can I?

Yes, of course, just don't get it dirty because then we won't go to the hairdresser.

We went down to have a simple dinner, I felt very strange to be there with my father and my brother dressed like that, but I felt very happy. While we were having dinner, my brother asked.

So, I imagine that now you are Mariane?

I smiled.

Yes, Valerie Mariane.

Valeria? my dad asked. Why Valerie?

I don't know, I've been imagining that that's my name for a long time.

That is incredible! Said, my dad.

Why?

Because I don't know if your mom ever told you, maybe you remember, he told my brother, but before you were born, they told us through the ultrasound that you were a girl, and the name we thought of for you, it was precisely Valeria!

Really? I asked surprised. Nope! She never said anything to me!

Of course! Said, my brother. That's why I remember that when he was born I went with you to buy a crib!

Yes, my dad said. Because as we expected girl, he was going to use your sister's, but when he was born, we had to go buy a new one. But how is it possible that you have chosen precisely that name? Seriously, your mom never told you about this?

Never! I told him. This is the first time I hear that you thought I was going to be a girl.

Well, after all, it seems that you were right, said my brother pointing at how I looked and laughing.

I felt like I was turning red while we all laughed.

We finished dinner, I put on my pajamas, I left my clothes ready for the next day and we went to sleep.

The next day after breakfast I put on the same set of blouse and skirt that I had tried on the night before and already feeling more secure and confident, we arrived at the beauty salon and my dad explained to the stylist that for a medical issue they had had to cut my hair a few months ago, and since then we had simply let it grow,  he asked if it was possible to give me a hairstyle that would already look like a girl?

The very kind stylist sat me down, washed my hair, looked at me from different angles, and checked how long it was on the top, sides, back and fringe, all as if analyzing, finally she told me: “you are going to look very pretty!”

About forty-five minutes later, she told me: “you are ready!” she turned the chair facing the mirror and let me see myself. It was a cute bob cut that went just a couple of inches below my ears, but I absolutely loved it! It was the first time I had a really girlish hairstyle.

The following week was basically preparing for the trip: packing, checking the reservations of all the hotels, the car rental, and the distances between one point and another to calculate travel times. For me, it was quite simple, because my suitcase was almost empty, I had to travel dressed as a boy to go through customs and check my passport and visa, but in a backpack, I had the only girl's outfit I had, to change right there at the airport and really start the vacation being Valeria. Before arriving at the hotel, we had to stop to buy at least some of the clothes that I was going to need during the holidays and probably for the next few months.

Valeria Garza.