Just Another Girl - Chapter 8

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For me, like for any boy or girl my age, going to Disney was the fulfillment of a dream, I woke up super early and wanted to be the first to enter, I thought that for my brother and my dad, it wouldn't be that important, but to my surprise, they seemed to be as excited as me or more excited about going to Disney, now I understand that it is not a park for children, it is really a place for everyone: I have been fortunate to return at different stages of my life and each time has been extraordinary.

With the excitement, I didn't know what to wear, I wanted to look pretty for the photos, so I tried on at least two outfits before my dad told me that it was time to go and that I put on the most comfortable and practical thing I had. I stopped to think about what would be the most practical and comfortable and he suggested the jeans I traveled with and a T-shirt. Although I understood the concept, the idea of wearing jeans, I didn't like it at all and even less I liked that my dad suggested it. I think my dad could see the disappointment on my face and suggested that I take the jumper we had bought with a t-shirt and some sneakers

It wasn't the prettiest outfit, more like a school uniform, but at least it was undeniably feminine. I put it on, we went down to have a quick breakfast at the hotel and we left.

To say that everything at Disney was spectacular would be obvious because I think that's the way it always is and for everyone. I could talk about each of the attractions, and the incredible feeling when seeing the castle for the first time; at that moment you realize it's real, you're there! The first thing we got on was the Jungle Cruise. Incredible! From there, to the Robinsons' tree house and the Pirates of the Caribbean. Each one of the attractions was quite an experience, until that moment, it would have been difficult for me to identify which one I liked the most, but there was something that I noticed from the beginning: the special attention that I received from everyone, simply for being a girl.

It was small details, like offering me a hand to help me, board, opening the doors of the carts for me, and helping me sit down or get up at each attraction, but a little later, that was much more intense and impressive. I explain:

Around noon, my dad asked my brother if he wanted to go with us or if he wanted to go to Space Mountain. Of course, my brother said he was heading toward Space Mountain. I asked my dad if we weren't going to go and he said yes, but he had a surprise for me first. We walked towards the entrance until we came to a place called Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

They greeted us at the reception and my dad told them that we had a reservation at that time. The manager reviewed a list and said: Sure! For Princess Valerie! Come in here, please.

I still didn't understand what it was about, but I walked in and it was a combination of a luxury boutique and a beauty salon. They asked me if I already knew which princess I wanted to be and I didn't know what to answer, so she looked at me carefully, she saw the length and color of my hair and skin and she said: "Skin white as snow, lips red as blood and hair black as ebony” I think the ideal for you is Snow White. Do you think it's OK?

I just nodded, still not knowing exactly what was waiting for me.

I am Jenny and I am going to be your fairy godmother today, our mission is to completely transform you from a normal girl to a princess!

My eyes widened in surprise, I turned to see my dad who was next to me with a satisfied smile.

Do you want to wait for us a moment? she asked my dad.

He nodded and sat in a waiting room. They took me to wash my hair and after drying it with a towel, they sat me in a gray armchair, which had its back to the mirror, so that I couldn't see myself and the fairy godmother began to comb my hair; Since my hair was not very long yet, she told me that she was just going to shape it, straightening the sides and back and using an electric curling iron at the ends to give it a Snow White look.

Following the Disney fantasy, everyone treated me like a princess; at the same time that the fairy godmother was working on my hair, another person arrived whom Jenny introduced me to as one of her helpers, she put a table in front of me, asked me to put my hands on it and began to put false nails on my hands. I saw her measure and choose each nail carefully before putting it on. Once they were all there, I couldn't believe how my hands looked!

They weren't very long, just a few millimeters longer than mine, but perfectly shaped and made my hands look completely feminine! I was looking at them when she asked me not to move and she began to paint them with translucent red varnish.

This is Snow White's tone, is it okay or do you want another color?

It's okay, I said.

After the first coat, she asked me not to move my hands to wait for them to dry. At the same time, Jenny pinned my hair to keep it from falling on my forehead and started on the makeup.

A little moisturizer so your skin doesn't absorb makeup, she told me. At your age you don't need a lot, your skin is perfect, just a little to even out the tone, she explained to me.

And look, if we put a dark tone here, and a light one here,

I couldn't answer so as not to move. She was right in front of my face. At the same time, the other girl was giving my nails a second coat of varnish. Jenny was explaining to me what she was doing.

Don't move to put on eyeliner, look up and try not to close your eyes. Now a bit of shade.

I had read magazines and above all, I remembered spending hours watching my mom apply makeup, so I had an idea what she was doing, but I had never really liked how girls my age looked with makeup, when I had seen them at parties, they almost always looked over the top, a bit clown-like. I didn't want to see myself like this, but I was certainly enjoying the moment and the attention. She continued to apply mascara to my lashes and at the end, with a large brush, she put some blush on my cheeks.

Very good, you're almost ready! Just a few more details. Come with me!

I got up and tried to look in the mirror, but she wouldn't let me, I followed her to another room that was full of princess dresses in different sizes. He took my measurements and went to choose a Snow White dress.

This should fit you perfectly. There is a dressing room there. Need help?

I think not, I said.

If you want, put it on and come outside so I can help you with the zipper and the bow.

I nodded and went into the dressing room, put on the dress, zipped it up to the middle of my back, and went out to get help. At the time, with the zipper halfway or so, the dress felt all loose and out of place, but once she helped me zip up my back, it did indeed fit perfectly on my body.

Jenny removed the clips from my bangs and put the finishing touches on my hairstyle.

Ready? Do you want to see yourself?

Yes. I replied.

She covered my eyes and helped me walk slowly until I was in front of a mirror. There she uncovered my eyes to let me see my reflection. I had never been a fan of princess dresses and, as I said before, I had never been a fan of makeup for girls my age, but I loved what I saw! The makeup was understated, but my eyes looked much bigger and sexier. The lips weren't totally red, it was more like a gloss with a bit of color, the nails didn't look over the top either, but they made my hands look super girly and I later realized they forced me to be much more dainty and careful with all my movements.

I stared at my reflection for a few seconds until I realized that my dad was behind me.

Do you like how you look?

My dad asked me.

Yes! I'm loving 'it! I answered.

They gave him a bag with my clothes and the eyeliner and lipstick that they had put on me and we left. Disney is always spectacular, but that day, dressed as a princess, was more than can be described. In all the attractions they treated me like a princess, even Mikey, Pluto and the princesses stopped to take pictures with us, at some point, one of the princes was walking and when he saw me, he approached, put one knee down, and extended his hand towards me, I didn't know what to do, I was nervous.

Give him your hand! Said my brother.

I put my hand on his and he began to dance with me. My heart was beating so fast, I was super embarrassed but happy with all the attention I was receiving; At that moment something unexpected happened: dancing with the prince, I suddenly got lost in his eyes, and for a moment I saw him as handsome and I felt like his princess. After a few turns, he thanked me and left me all confused, it only occurred to me to make a small courtesy bow and he walked away. I stood there like a fool and I think I would have fallen if my brother hadn't come to stop me by the arm.

Are you OK?

Yes Yes. I said all confused by what I had felt.

It's good that you don't like boys! Said my brother mocking.

What do you say? I asked totally red.

Now you can close your mouth and stop drooling girl!

I put my hand to my mouth and smiled a little. Would it be possible?

The day was unforgettable, we stayed until after the fireworks at night and we returned to the hotel exhausted.

The holidays were as always extraordinary, but for me, they were even more special. I spent those 15 days as Valeria, 24/7 from those first days in Los Angeles still nervous about what my dad and brother would think of me or that people would see me as a boy in a dress, until the last days when I simply felt completely confident of myself, comfortable with my outfits, accepted and above all loved. My dad and my brother had already shown me their unconditional acceptance a couple of years before, but on this trip, now without secrets, for the first time I was able to be myself and they not only accepted me but even helped me.

As Serge, the psychologist, predicted, indeed the experience was different from what I had imagined. Living as a girl, even if it was only for 15 days, made me realize that not everything is perfect: just like any other day in the life, mistakes are made, things happen, and it's not like you put on a skirt and magically everything is happiness. Due to nonsense and distractions that I don't even remember now, I earned a couple of scoldings from my dad, and at some point, I fought with my brother as would happen in any family. More focused on the experience of being a girl, I had to pay more attention than ever to my hair, my skin, and my clothes.

This may sound very nice, but it meant waking up earlier every day so as not to cause a delay in our activities, in fact, that was precisely what caused one of the scoldings, and it was not only in the morning but all the time during the day; something that was clear from the beginning is that if I was going to spend these days as a girl, I couldn't be a tomboy, in that case, they weren't going to support me; If I was going to be a girl, it would be the complete experience, the most feminine of all, that is why I had to take care of my posture when walking and sitting, always take care that my clothes did not wrinkle or that the skirt did not show anything inappropriate, take care of every movement, check my hairstyle several times a day.

With the nails that I got at Disney, I had to be careful in everything I did with my hands so that I didn't drop things or hurt myself, that, at the same time, caused movements that looked very feminine, but were very more tired throughout the day.

The same thing happened with high-heeled and flat shoes, the feet got much more tired and, I don't know how to explain it, but with men's shoes, they are always well closed and do not move, you can walk, run or jump with In all safety, on the other hand, with slippers, even if they do not have a heel, the sole is narrower and the feet are not well attached to the shoe. Each step has to be taken carefully, the weight is supported differently, you can't run well, or take really long steps or jump. That causes more feminine movements but is a bit restrictive and tiring throughout the day.

Some of these things I knew from the days when I played with Sandy and my friends in the afternoons, but it was not the same to go out for a couple of hours than to spend the whole day, one day after another like this. It was an experience! I discovered that it is not true that boys are faster or more agile than girls; It's simply that with high-heeled shoes and a skirt, you can't run well, just like with long nails you can't catch a ball or climb a tree.

As exhausting or difficult as it might seem, even having to give up certain skills and statuses that had taken me years to gain as a boy, was worth it to me.

There were still some special events during those 15 days. On the last day in San Francisco, we finished our activities relatively early, which was not very normal in our vacations, we returned to the hotel and my dad told us that we had two hours to rest a bit and get ready because we had dinner reservations at Fog Harbor Fish House, at Pier 39.

That night I wore the black tulle dress that my dad had bought me. I loved the shape and texture of the skirt, the body hugged my skin and the semi-transparent fabric on the shoulders made me look much bigger, especially with the two-inch heeled pumps.

For that night, my dad permitted me to wear lip gloss and a thin line of eyeliner. When I came out of the bathroom ready, my brother said, “Wow! This lady is going to keep me busy scaring the boyfriends away!" I couldn't help but blush and smile.

The next day we went to Yosemite National Park, we spent a night there, at the Yosemite Valley Lodge. What place!

Eventually, it all ends, we return to Los Angeles and the next day we have our flight back. My dad took my jeans, T-shirt and boy's tennis shoes out of my suitcase.

Are you ready to be Mario again?

I felt horrible just thinking about being Mario again. I didn't want to, I had been so happy during those days.

Can't I go back like this?

No, my dad told me. For everything you need identification or any document, and you have to be Mario, we had already discussed it, this was just a trial period.

I nodded. My dad noticed my sadness.

But when we come back we make an appointment with Serge to see what's next. Did it work for you? Are you clearer if this is really what you want?

Yes, but I do not know.

What worries you? My dad asked.

That, what will happen every time I need identification and how will my mother and sister react?

Don't worry about that right now. The important thing is that you are happy.

I hugged him and cried a little. I had a combination of emotions that was very difficult to overcome. On the one hand, I had been completely happy those days and it hurt me that they were ending, at the same time I felt an enormous responsibility that the time to make such a big decision was drawing near, I knew that I could change my whole life, I knew that if I decided to continue Life as Valeria was going to be much more difficult in reality than just spending fifteen days like this.

A lot of people were going to reject me, starting with my mom and my sister. Then there was the issue of identification. How could I go to school as a girl if my birth certificate said Mario, and how could I grow up and have a job or a life like Valeria?

That night I had nightmares. I dreamed that I was at school, I was Valeria and my friends Sandy, Anna, Sarah, Alexa, Erika, and other children were there. I remember I had a dress like a princess and I was wondering why I had worn that dress to school, it seemed out of place. Then a teacher I had in third grade at the Opus Dei school would come in, a fanatic of Adolf's style who told us that stepping on the partitions on the floor was a sin because we were stepping on the cross. That teacher would come in and start taking roll until he came to my name and of course, he would call me Mario. They all turned to look at me and I said that I wasn't Mario, that I was Valeria Marianne, but he said that on his list it said Mario, and he showed everyone my passport, they all started laughing and when I went to see the passport, In the photo I was wearing a dress but with a mustache and beard, among those who laughed at me were my mother, Adolf, and my sister.

You're going to be damned! They told me.

I woke up crying and couldn't go back to sleep. Fear and anxiety began to grow in me that I had not felt since I came to live with my dad.

In the morning we got up early, practically everything was ready, we just needed to store toothbrushes and those things that are used before going out. I quietly dressed as a boy, combed my hair back with gel to look like a boy, and closed my suitcase.

The way to the airport was silent. My brother commented discouraged that the holidays were over and we had to get back to reality; I felt my heart squeeze.

We checked in and went to the last waiting room, before arriving we stopped at a Whataburger for breakfast. When we sat down, my brother called me, he stood me up in front of him and he began to ruffle my hair, shaking my head a little, with his fingers I combed my hair half down and he stared at me.

I loved seeing you so happy these days little sister! And I loved having a little sister! Do not worry everything will be fine.

Looking at my dad.

Do you agree dad?

My dad came over and hugged us both. Then I look into my eyes.

Still do not know that we are here to support you in everything you want? What do we do to make you understand?

I smiled as tears flowed from my eyes. I hug them both.

Thank you. Yes, I know. It just scares me.

You? Fear? But you are the bravest person I have ever met! Said, my brother. I didn't quite understand why he said that to me.

It isn't true? I ask my brother to my dad. –I never would have dared to do anything you are doing! Although I was dying too!

Brave? I asked very surprisedly.

Telling the truth, and saying what you feel is one of the most difficult and courageous things there is, my dad said. Most adults never dare to tell the truth, especially about yourself! All this that you have done is not easy at all, your brother is right, almost no one would have dared even to mention it, less to come and really spend these days as you did!

You didn't know, my father continued, but the first thing Serge told me we had to see in this trial period was if you really went into the bathroom the first day and came out dressed as a girl. That would tell us if you really wanted this.

I just looked down a little confused.

For most people, the easiest thing is to never tell the truth and thus not face anyone. It seems silly, but you can't imagine how many young people study a career and dedicate themselves to working all their lives in something they don't want, just to not face their parents; There are people who prefer to live a marriage without love as long as they do not face society, and so, I can give you a thousand examples.

The important thing is that you know that what you are doing is very big, not because you are a boy or a girl, but because you dare to say what you feel and face whatever comes your way.

But it scares me a lot, I told him.

It is logical that it scares you, it would scare me too. No matter what you decide, there are going to be many challenges and many difficult things, but, that's life, there are always going to be challenged, and if you don't face them, it eats you up! Also, we will always be here for you.

I nodded, my eyes brimming with tears. They both hugged me.

Do not be sad, better enjoy everything we live together these days. Didn't you enjoy them?

Yes! Very much! I answered.

Well, think that these holidays are over as everything ends, but other things are going to start. Now that we're back we're going to see Serge and we have a long way to go.

I nodded.

Meanwhile, take advantage of these days to think about how you felt living as a girl, think about what you liked and what you did not like, think about how you would like to live from now on, what your life would be like if you continued as a boy and what it would be like if you continue as a girl, what your school would be like and above all, try to imagine what it would be like when you are older.

We got on the plane and returned home without any further setbacks. At home, I kept my new clothes on the side of the closet although I didn't know how long it would be before I could wear them again.

It was two weeks before the start of classes. I was going to enter the fifth year at the same school my dad enrolled me in when I got to live with him, a couple of months later I was going to turn eleven. The appointment with the psychologist would also be in the first week of school, so those two weeks were dedicated to the normal preparations for the start of the school year.

One day my dad asked me if I had talked to my mom or my sister, he had been trying to talk to my sister but she never seemed to be available for my mom to hand her the phone.

No, I haven't called them. I told

Since the trip? Why not?

It seemed strange to me that he asked me, my mother was never interested in me maintaining communication with him.

I don't know, the time has passed, and it's not like they call me all the time; Besides, I don't know what I could tell them.

How do you not know? We haven't done anything special that you can tell them about?

Yes, but I don't know if I can tell that to my mom or my sister. I told.

Well, on the one hand, I think you can tell them about the whole trip: Disney, the aircraft carrier, the museums and everything we did, don't you think?

Yes, of course, but

I don't think they're going to ask you what you were wearing when you went to Disney or when you were in the museum.

I kept thinking and found no flaws in his logic. Nobody was going to ask me that.

Anyway, I don't know what you thought, my dad continued, but if Valeria is going to be part of our lives, at some point, somehow they are going to have to know.

It scared me just thinking about it.

I don't know, I can't imagine how I could tell them or how they would react!

That is not in your hands, you cannot control how others react, not even your family, but you can decide to be honest with yourself and with others, as you have done with us. You cannot live hiding what you are or what you feel. It wouldn't be fair to you or them.

I kept quiet, but I felt a great weight on me.

Unless you're thinking of Valeria just disappearing forever!

Nope! I almost screamed.

That's what I thought, really, I saw you so happy in those days, I don't know, but I don't think you could forget about Valeria. Or could you?

I shook my head.

Well, don't worry, my dad said. For now, no one is going to ask you how you were dressed on vacation, and when the time comes, you won't be alone either. It's okay?

I smiled and nodded my head.

As usual, my dad was right, I talked to my mom, but the call was short and her tone was dry and cutting, so much so that I even thought she already knew everything, but apparently not. It's just that she was mad at me for leaving. She felt that I was betraying her by living with my dad, so our conversation wasn't the best and she didn't show much interest in what we had done on vacation either.

She put me through to my sister and it was a little disappointing. My sister was more like a copy of my mom every day. She behaved just as dry and cutting, she didn't even show interest in me telling her about Disney. The truth is, I didn't really want to call them again, but I kept doing it once or twice a week for the next few years.

The first day of school arrived and I was happy to see my classmates, but although two weeks had passed since the trip, it was getting more difficult for me to adjust to Mario's life. Every day it was difficult for me to put on boy's underwear. With those clothes, I couldn't hide the piece of skin that bothered me so much.

It wasn't just that, after all, I only had to see that when I got dressed or when I went to the bathroom, but that was it. I felt uncomfortable in those clothes, I hated looking in the mirror and seeing a boy, I didn't like my hair, I didn't like my hands, and I didn't like how my boy classmates behaved. It's not that I disliked them, but I didn't want to be like them.

In previous years I had been able to hide Valeria without much difficulty, I didn't mind behaving or speaking like a male, and I had even enjoyed playing football and being in karate, but this time I felt different. With tennis shoes and short fingernails I could run, jump and catch balls as I always could, the truth is, for my size I had always been very agile and fast, but I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt that all the effort I had put into learning to walk and behave like Valeria was going to be wasted. I didn't want to lose her, I didn't want Valeria to stop being in me, but I also didn't want and couldn't allow myself to become the effete and queer boy. It was clear to me that I did not want that in any way. I definitely preferred anything over being the sissy boy.

Faced with that perspective, after a couple of days, I had to adjust to being Mario the strong and competitive boy that I had always been. I just waited for those days to go by to see Serge and find some way for Valeria to express herself.

Thursday arrive and the appointment with the psychologist.

Valeria Garza.