Just Another Girl - Chapter 9

OTHER PARTS | ALL STORY LIST

We arrived at the psychologist's office, more than three weeks had passed since we returned from our trip and four days after starting fifth grade. I was wearing boy's jeans, white and gray Nike sneakers, a printed T-shirt and my hair combed back with gel. Since my hair had already grown a little more, my neck had curls that always looked disheveled.

In general, it was fine, I didn't want to commit suicide or anything like that, just seeing myself in the mirror and having to act like a man all the time made me a little miserable, but after all, that was life and I was used.

As my dad suggested, I had taken advantage of these weeks to analyze how I had felt and how I felt about my future, I had thought a lot about what and how to talk to the psychologist about everything I had experienced and felt during those days. At some point, I thought about trying to “convince” him to let me start the transition that he had talked about before, but when I thought about the future, about my whole life, I was afraid to make the decision.

I thought that this would mean never seeing my mother and my sister again, as if they had died, or rather as if I died for them. It hurt me to think about it. It was like a routine that I learned very quickly: I began by remembering the days of traveling as Valeria, I kept thinking about what it would be like to go to school and live as a girl; That thought made me happy and even excited. Later, when thinking about the not-so-immediate future, doubts began: to have a boyfriend? maybe girlfriend? How was that going to work? How would they react? then came the images of my mother and my sister, their rejection, and her shame. Then I felt terribly guilty and the only solution was to stop thinking about it.

By the time we got to the appointment with the psychologist, I had already decided not to try to convince him of anything, just answer everything he asked me in the most honest way possible, maybe I could even, this time, tell him about the afternoons I went out with Sandy and my friends.

Serge came out to greet us and ushered my dad and me in.

How was your trip? Serge asked.

Fine! We both answered almost at the same time.

Were you able to use the holidays as a trial period?

Yes, my dad answered.

A bit surprised, Serge immediately became more interested.

Fine! how did we discuss it? Addressing me. Did you spend all the holidays one hundred percent as a girl?

Yes, all the time! I responded with a huge smile full of pride.

Very well, right now I'm going to talk to you, but first I need a couple of minutes with your dad.

Okay, do you want me to wait outside? I asked nervously.

I don't think it's necessary or do you prefer that she get out of it? Serge asked my dad.

Of course not. Said, my dad.

Well, then, do you want to tell me how it was?

For the first time in a long time, I saw my dad nervous, trying to think of how to express himself.

Well, as we had planned, after passing immigration, he went into a bathroom to change and,

No, wait for me, sorry for interrupting you, Serge told my dad. But first, tell me about the day they went to cut her hair, or the day before, the first time he saw her dressed as a girl.

Well, I had bought her clothes and I thought about her haircut because I imagined that it would be much better for her to go with a girl's hairstyle.

Yes, you told me that over the phone, but when you gave her her clothes and she put them on. What clothes was she?

A set of skirt and blouse. My dad answered.

Well, how did you feel when you saw her dressed like that?

My dad looked at me as if hesitating whether to respond in front of me. Serge made an affirmative signal with his face and eyes for my dad to continue.

Somehow, I had already seen her half dressed as a girl in Las Vegas, so, although now she was wearing a skirt and totally like a girl, that was not so impressive, for me, she is the same person, which did surprise me, Especially already in Los Angeles, it was the way she immediately adapted; From that first day, when we went out to get her hair cut, the way she walked, her movements, her tone when talking about her, everything was as if she had been a girl all her life!

Perhaps, in some way, she had been a girl all her life. don't you think? Or tell me, how you saw her on her trip?

I don't know how else to describe it, I've just never seen her so happy!

And that's how you felt? Serge asked me.

Yes. Very happy! Since she woke up, I didn't want the days to end.

And there was nothing negative? Nothing you didn't like?

I kept thinking for a moment.

No, there was nothing I didn't like, I'm just worried about my mom.

We are going to discuss this calmly in the following sessions.

During the following weeks, everything was relatively normal, I went to school and spent my days as Mario, I hadn't signed up for any sports activities, so in the afternoons I just did my homework and watched TV and which gave me time to think. in which I was going to talk with the psychologist.

We spent several sessions talking about everything that happened on vacation, I was sure I wanted to live like Valeria, in reality; I had always known that my greatest wish was to be a girl and eventually become a woman, but Serge wanted to make sure that I was not idealizing the situation.

He insisted that I think about things that I would not have liked, first I talked about my mother's reaction, but she told me that that was not what she was referring to, that this topic was not in our hands and the only one responsible for that reaction was her. Looking for negative aspects of the days I spend as a girl, I just managed to think about how tiring it can be to walk in flats or heels all day and have to take care of your image, she insisted a little more, and I talked about having to give up some activities or skills you already had, like climbing trees or catching balls.

In another session, he asked me about what my dad had commented, about my ability to adapt, walk, act, and even talk like a girl.

You had told me that you had only dressed in your house with your friend, but acting like that, in my experience is a combination of factors; It's not just that girls are born already knowing how to act like girls, but a good part is learned. During that time, did you learn to behave like that?

Well yes, but, I hadn't told you everything. I said sorry.

Do you want to tell me?

Well, at first we only got dressed in the house when it rained and we couldn't go out.

And what did you do?

We danced, we sang, we tried on my sister's clothes or his. I told him with the confidence that had developed over months of the therapeutic process.

Sounds like a very good friend. Was it never anything else?

Carlos? No!

I laughed remembering and told her about the day we played boyfriend and girlfriend, how I felt for a moment in love and how the next day, Sandy showed me that she was as feminine as me. That session ended and I left much happier than on other occasions.

In the next session we continued talking about Sandy, I told him how we went out the first time and met Anna and the other girls.

How long did that last? Serge asked me.

I don't know, more than a year. I think it was the first time I saw him show surprise.

A year going out every afternoon as a girl? And nobody knew?

Just Sandy.

So that year was when you learned to move and talk like a girl.

Yes, and Anna and Sarah helped us because we told them that our mothers were never there to help us learn.

Serge smiled.

And the mothers of the girls?

They saw us as part of the group. I think they never suspected.

And how did you feel about that? Of being part of the group of girls?

A big smile broke out on my face.

I really enjoyed it!

And how do I finish that?

When we moved to Adolf's house, I always thought it was because my aunt caught us.

Sure, it was the last time your mom complained to your dad before leaving.

Why did she complain to him? what did he have to do with it?

I can only tell you because your dad permitted me, but that time. Your mom told him that it was his fault that you dressed as a girl and that he encouraged you to do it with the clothes he bought you in Las Vegas.

Is that what she said to him? So my mom did know? I asked very surprisedly.

In my experience, they always know. At least on an unconscious level, only many aren't ready to admit it. That's why when they have to face it, they look for someone to blame.

But not! It's not my dad's fault!

I assure you that she also knows that.

I've been like this since,

I kept thinking.

Since ever!

In the next session, he asked me how I imagined my next years if I started a transition process. I didn't know how that worked, so I just talked a little bit about school, possibly going back to gymnastics or making a cheerleading squad. He asked me later if I had thought that the time would come to start having boyfriends or girlfriends; He asked if I was still not attracted to men. I told him what happened with the prince at Disney and what had happened the day of the party in the buildings. Both times I had been very attracted. I told him that when the time comes, I would like to try to hook up with some guy who treats me like that.

In another session, he asked me if I had taken the time to think about what my life could be like if for some reason I had to continue living like Mario. I told him that I hadn't given it much thought, but that it didn't worry me too much, that that's how I had lived up to that moment and that as long as I was with my dad, I wouldn't be unhappy.

Ok, let's explore that possibility. Tell me: what would your life be like in a year or two?

Well, I don't know, I told him, I imagine the same, like today.

And have you thought that in a year your body will start to change?

I look at him scared.

In a couple of weeks, you will be eleven years old. Correct?

I nodded.

That means that in the coming months and years, your body is going to start producing testosterone, your shoulders are going to get more angular, your arms are going to get stronger, hair is going to start growing all over your body, and your voice is going to change as it changed to your brother.

I started crying uncontrollably.

No! Please don't let that happen to me! I asked him.

He waited a moment for me to calm down.

So are you sure what you want?

I nodded.

Are you aware that you have to talk about it with your mother and that many things are going to be difficult?

Yes, I know. But I prefer that.

Anyway, it's not magic, the process lasts some time and if you regret it, nothing happens. Is it okay if we talk with your dad next session?

Yes, please.

Is there something you don't want me to mention to your dad?

No, you can tell him everything.

The session ended. During that week everything scared me: Growing up as a man, having to tell my mom, changing, everything scared me, but at the same time I couldn't wait for the next session.

The day arrived and Sege received my dad and me. Serge told my dad that we had been talking in those weeks about how I felt during the trial period but also about how my life could be if I started a transition process or if I continued my life as Mario.

I don't know if you had noticed, but you have here an extremely brave and mature little person for her age.

Yes, I know, my dad said.

She knows it won't be easy, but she is willing to face things as long as she counts on you and her brother.

My dad smiled and hugged me.

These days I spoke with an endocrinologist who is going to support us with the hormonal treatment, the good news is that we are perfectly in time for Valeria to start her treatment and she can develop almost one hundred percent as a woman.

When I heard that, I felt an indescribable emotion!

How does this work? my dad asked.

Normally girls start their puberty between the ages of nine and twelve, Serge explained. And men between the ages of eleven and thirteen, in either case, is when their bodies start to produce large amounts of hormones that cause all the changes in their bodies to develop as either men or women.

My dad nodded, and I just listened carefully.

As we had discussed before, in most cases, when someone starts hormone replacement treatment, they have already gone through adolescence and their bodies are already developed; that's why they rarely achieve the results they want.

Of course, that's why they're big or they already have Adam's apple. Said, my dad.

Yes, because their body had already developed as a man when they started a replacement, but with Valeria, if we start now that she is barely going to turn eleven, for her body it will be the normal development of a woman.

I couldn't believe my ears! It was my biggest dream coming true. Serge continued explaining to me.

You are going to see the endocrinologist so that he can do some studies to determine the exact dose you need, but in summary, what we are going to do is block the male hormones, which would cause your body to develop like a man's, and we are going to replace them with female hormones, you understand?

I think so, I said trying not to scream with excitement. Does it mean that my body is going to become a woman's body?

Almost totally, it does not mean that you are going to have a model's body or anything similar, that will also depend on your genetics, your diet, and your habits in general, but during the next 5 years, your body will develop almost as if you had born girl.

Almost? I asked.

Well yes, in the end, you are going to need a vaginoplasty to change what you already have as a man, and in any case, all your life you are going to need to take hormone treatment because your body does not produce female hormones. But the doctor will explain that to you. It's okay?

I think he had the biggest smile in the universe at that time. My dad was more serious.

Well, you said that was the good news. Is there a bad one? My dad asked the psychologist.

Well yes, the bad news is that there is no data on girls her age who have undergone this procedure.

There is no one in Mexico but I imagine that in other countries.

No. There is no history of children of that age anywhere, there are cases that started treatment at seventeen or eighteen, but we have not found anything of children of her age.

So there are risks? asked my dad.

No, apparently it is not that they do not exist, but that they are not published. The problem is not medical, the endocrinologist will explain it to you, but at least in theory, the only serious risk is that of any surgery when the time comes, but it is not even considered major surgery. That is not the problem.

Then? My dad asked before me.

There is no legal background, and there are no procedures. So, we're going to have to find a way.

So what's next? I ask my dad. Do we have to look for another school to start going like Valeria or see what we do with the papers or what is needed?

You already have an appointment with the endocrinologist and here are the analyzes you have to take, said Serge while he wrote down the analyzes on a sheet that he gave my dad. I have already talked to him and if there is nothing abnormal in the tests, we are going to start the treatment, but as I told you, it is not magic, it takes a while for the changes to begin to be noticed; the good thing is that at this age, all girls are starting to change the same.

We both listened carefully.

I recommend that for the moment she continue to go to school like Mario in what we define what can be done with her documents, but that you look for some activity that she can do in the afternoons like Valeria, I don't know, it could be gymnastics artistic that she likes or a cheer team, that they are not going to ask her for documents to register, or even go with the friends she used to go out with so that the change is gradual so that she continues learning to behave like a woman.

I came out of there happy! Everything was hard to believe, in fact, there were things that I didn't understand very well, I was only clear that after a few years and some surgery, I would be a woman!

A few days later, we actually went with tests and everything to the endocrinologist, I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but in short, there was nothing in my tests that prevented me from starting treatment, the doctor explained to us that although there were no documented data Of children my age undergoing this treatment, there did not appear to be any great risks associated with the treatment, but that we would need to monitor my progress on a weekly basis.

He weighed me and measured my height, chest, arms, legs, hips, waist, and even the circumference of the head, he also told us that a condition for treatment was to continue in psychological therapy to be able to monitor changes in my mood. The doctor took notes of everything and he looked almost as excited as I was. For a moment, I felt like he saw me as his guinea pig, but if it meant being the woman I wanted, I was happy to be.

He explained that for the first four weeks he was only going to take testosterone blockers to prevent my body from going through the changes of male puberty and that after that month he would start on a small dose of female hormones that would be increased each month. to simulate what happens in the body of a girl my age.

He explained to us that at least in theory, due to my age, my body should develop exactly the same as if I had been born a girl, that would mean that between the ages of 16 and 17 I should have practically all the secondary characteristics developed. I was paying all my attention, but surely the doctor noticed on my face that he was not sure what he was talking about and began to explain:

It is important that you know what to expect from all this treatment and what not. Especially you, he told me, because you are the one who is going to experience it, so although I am going to be with you throughout the process, I want you to leave today with all your doubts resolved.

Yes, thanks, said my dad.

The first thing that should be clear is that this entire procedure is about making your body believe that you are a girl so that it develops like a woman's body, and because of your age, I think we are going to achieve very good results, but hormones cannot do all the work, that means that there are things that will require surgery and there are others that cannot be changed with today's technology. Is that clear?

What things can not be changed?

For example, even if your body looks completely like a woman's, you won't be able to have natural children, because inside, you don't have what it takes to conceive a child.

I nodded.

There will be time to talk about the topic of surgery, in any case, there will be years left to reach that moment; For the moment, with the treatment that we are going to start, we should achieve that your body develops almost completely as if you had been born a girl. For example, in girls, the breasts begin to develop between the ages of ten and thirteen and continue to grow until approximately 16 or 17, which is when they reach the size that they will have for their entire adult lives. Did you know this?

Well yes, not the ages, but yes.

In your case, that must be totally normal, like any other girl. In other words, at first, in about three to six months, you are going to feel like a lump that doctors know as a breast bud, at first it can be annoying, the doctor explained to me patiently, then the nipples will also start to grow and they will become very sensitive and over time the breasts will continue to grow.

I nodded my head completely sure that the growth of my boobies was not going to be annoying for me. don't even try to hide a huge grin.

Your height will also be affected, we hope that from now until you are thirteen years old, you will grow a little faster, even faster than boys your age, but after that, your growth will slow down.

Sure, my dad said, it's the time when girls are taller, but later, around 15, men grow taller.

I kept listening attentively. My dad commented that I had always been short for my age, and the doctor said that yes, it had caught his attention since he took my measurements that I was a little below the minimum expected for boys, but a little above the minimum for girls.

So that's not going to affect her? my dad asked.

On the contrary, said the doctor, it's just that his level of physical development is a little behind, but almost within normality, and that will even help us because, for his body, it will be as if we had started a year ago.

I kept smiling.

Some changes will feel strange, for example, you will begin to accumulate fat in the buttocks, thighs, and face. That's why it's going to be very important to take care of your skin, so you don't have acne problems.

I didn't like that so much.

One of the most important changes we expect is the growth of the hips, girls during puberty widen the hip bone and change its shape a bit.

We wait? my dad asked.

The data we have is from people who started their treatment after adolescence, so the hip bone was already defined and did not change with the hormonal treatment, but due to the age of your daughter, I think we should see that change. . That's why I'm asking for hip x-rays and every year we're going to take new ones to verify this, okay?

My dad agreed.

Those are the most important changes, with the voice, of course, which develops more acutely, besides that, as you probably know, girls grow less body hair than boys.

We both nodded.

Of course, girls, at the beginning of puberty have menarche, that, you are not going to have it, but in a few months, once you are taking the full dose of estrogen, what you are going to have is all the Psychological changes associated with menstruation: you will feel more sensitive, you will start crying suddenly, you will get angry for no apparent reason and so on.

I didn't expect that, but if it meant feeling like a woman, I was happy for that to happen to me.

Any questions? the doctor asked us.

Not at the moment, said my dad. Surely leaving here we will think of some.

Don't worry, you can call me at any time. He said he while writing a recipe. This medicine is to block the natural hormones of your body, you have to take one daily for thirty days, when they run out we will see each other and start with estrogen.

We said goodbye and left the office. On the way home, we went to buy the medicine, my dad gave me the box full of pills and asked me what I thought of everything the doctor had said.

I still can't believe it, dad! All of this is,

I started crying with emotion. I didn't know how to express everything I felt.

But do not cry! What happens? Are you not happy?

Yes of course! Very happy! Thank you!

Then don't cry, we'd better think about good things. Have you thought about what activity you want for the afternoon?

While I wiped my tears I replied.

Yes, I would like to return to artistic gymnastics. It's okay?

Yes of course! If that's what you want.

He stayed thinking for a moment,

By the way, last time, Serge said something about you being able to hang out with your friends from the buildings. which friends?

I immediately turned red, I knew that I had never told my dad all that.

Do you remember what I told you about my friend Carlos?

Yes, with whom you sometimes tried on your sister's clothes?

That one, I told him a little embarrassed. What happens is that the first few times, only when it rained and we couldn't go out, we tried on clothes.

Yes, he said as if for me to continue talking.

But one day when it wasn't raining, we got hungry and we went out to buy something there at the mini-mall that was in the buildings, do you remember?

Seriously? He told me almost excited, And was it when your aunt saw you?

No, that was much later. That day we went shopping and since we were already outside, we stayed playing in the park and there we met Anna.

Ok, and she became friends with you? How?

Well, we liked her, and since nobody noticed, from that day on we started going out to play.

My dad looked at me surprised but smiling as if I was telling him a playfulness.

Dressed as girls?

Yes, of course, Carlos was Sandy and I was Valeria, I told him half embarrassed, but also amused to tell him.

Just you three?

No, she introduced us to other friends.

How many were they?

Well, we went out every day, Anna, Erika, Sarah, Alexa, Sandy and me. And then some other boys and girls joined.

Almost every day? For how long? My dad asked.

I don't know. I told him remembering. Almost two years,

hahaha! Almost two years of going out every day and no one noticed anything? Ha! And I was surprised that you behaved like a girl from day one! You had almost two years of experience! He said laughing.

How come nobody found out? Not your mom?

No, nobody! I said although I think my mom had to know something.

Yes of course. By the way, you must call her,

I kept thinking and worried. My dad changed the subject.

And what happened to those friends? My dad asked.

I never saw them again, and when we left there, I couldn't even say goodbye. I answered sadly.

And do you have how to find them?

Well yes, if they still live there, I know Anna and Sarah's departments and Sandy's of course.

Don't worry, these days I'll take you to see if you can find them, we're also going to enroll you in the gymnastics academy.

Valeria Garza.