I was in love with him for the first time - Chapter 2

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Out and About,

My nails, hmm They look good for tonight. Tonight! Oh my God, what time is it? I’ve got to get going! I don’t know about this gown though. I think it's way fancy for this type of event. An ankle-length, ancient gold sequined, halter-necked thing might prove to be way much. After all, this wasn’t a ball or some other gala type of event. But Chrissie def said formally. For a school gym? Oh well, it’s too late now. I might as well get dressed.

I remember the first time I truly got caught dressed. And it was Jimmy who caught me. I started my HRT just after turning fifteen (dad’s professional courtesies). I woke up one Saturday morning and, after throwing on a robe, went down to the kitchen. My parents and my sister were sitting at the kitchen table having a bite to eat with their coffee. They immediately stopped talking when I entered the room. I stared at them in curiosity.

“Don’t let me stop you guys.” I walked over to get myself a glass of juice.

“We were talking about your situation Kelly.” My mom tended to start family discussions.

“What situation?” I took my place in the last empty chair at the table. I sipped my juice as I watched her closely. I was thinking of what I could have possibly done now.

“Well,” She placed her hand on mine and smiled. “it’s just that, well you seem to be very comfortable when you’re dressed on weekends? And your mannerisms, disposition, and tastes are so utterly, feminine?”

I couldn’t deny that I was only truly comfortable when I could dress and hang out with my sister. I had already taken the big step of going out shopping with my mom and Corie on the weekends. I hated when Mondays came and I had to once again put on my ‘boy stuff’. I had taken to wearing panties, camisoles, and thigh-highs beneath my shirt and pants. But I hated the way I had to look during school, especially now that my hair had grown out a bit and could be styled somewhat.

“Yeah? So?”

“So we were wondering if you would rather be a girl than a boy.”

I stopped drinking in mid-gulp and nearly choked on what I had swallowed. What a concept! Could it be done? Oh my God! I stared at Corie in disbelief; then at my mom, who was smiling; and my dad, who was on another planet at the time.

“What?”

I hadn’t even really thought about it, the BIG “IT”. I only knew that I lived after school and on weekends. I also knew that I was really attracted to girls more for their fashion styles and ‘looks’ than for well physical urges? I stayed away from the boys because I felt somewhat intimidated by them. There were one or two exceptions but they were interested in girls for the same reasons I was. This was how I met Chris in the first place.

“I would like you to meet with a friend of mine and have you take a few tests.”

Well, mom was still smiling although the testing part was a bit frightening. Hmm, maybe I could study for them? I did find myself looking at the bare-chest guys in my sister’s teen glam mags. I would catch myself and wonder why they seemed to be getting me, excited? Not that I got all that excited, to begin with.

Anyway, that’s when I started taking hormones. I was a bit young by the standards in this country but there’s an old adage. Well, it’s not that old and F. Lee Bailey, a lawyer said it. “If you have a problem and you have money…then you don’t have a problem.” By the time I met Jimmy, I had been on the ‘mones for nearly a year.

The physical changes were fairly easy to hide. I did freak out a little bit when I started to get boobage. I had to wear an extra small tee shirt to flatten them a bit and to keep them from painfully jiggling about. Motrin def became my dearest friend. And not having to shave was so totally divine, well, except for my legs and pits. Fortunately, I only had this year to finish and I would start college with a new gender designation.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Jimmy catches me en femme. It was the end of September and the S.A.T.s was approaching (in mid-October). Jimmy, in spite of his slow start, proved to be a quick learner. Once he understood the theory of whatever we were studying, he could find the correct answer without even having to think about it. The rub was that I needed to find the proper way to explain things to him and that often required two or three attempts.

So where was I? Oh yeah…Jimmy wanted extra help. So what does little Ms. Genius do??? After a bit of back and forth as to where to meet and when I that’s right folks, I decide that he should come over to my house on Saturday!

Of course, the remainder of the week flew by, albeit not fast enough for me, and Saturday rolled around. I slept in a bit and, upon rising, I proceeded to go through my Saturday ritual. I had a date with my sister to go shopping in the early afternoon and so I wanted to look my best. We were going to the city to shop for some shoes and various other sundry items.

My folks were not at home and Corie was downstairs when the doorbell rang. I was upstairs and I just finished dressing and doing my face. Corie answered the door. I thought it was one of her friends; maybe Naddie (Nadine) or Pam, both of whom were in on my little sacred secret.

I ran down the stairs totally excited about maybe the four of us doing the city. When I saw that it was Jimmy, and I remembered our study date, I screamed well and ran back up the steps to my room slamming the door shut behind me.

Between Sisters and Friends.

Oh my God!!! I feel so exposed in this gown! I had never worn a halter-necked anything and the exposure of so much flesh is a bit frightening. Well, maybe more like scary hot sexy? This was definitely not my look, and certainly not my taste, doing the ‘speaking’. Hmm, I could mousse my hair and comb it straight back in kind of a butch look. I mean, a wedge with a modified bob just didn’t seem extreme enough. I should have had hair long enough to put up.

Speaking about extreme and exposed! Corie told me that Jimmy scratched his head and backed out of the house to check the number. Then he walked back and stared at Corie with a wide-eyed look of surprise.

“Was that who I think it was?”

Corie kind of stood there in her wide-eyed ‘shock and awe mode at this tall, handsome, really buff guy who came to see her sister. Her sister? ‘He should be coming to see me!’ crossed her mind. She was at a loss for words.

“Uh”

“Well, maybe I should go and see? I mean I came here for tutoring with Kelly. Was that Kelly?”

“Uh”

Jimmy called, well, he actually shouted my name. I was in my room, sitting on my bed clutching a pillow to my body. Oh my God! This was not merely tinted nail polish. This was full-blow dressed! Complete with cosmetics and inch-and-one-half-heeled pumps. I was in a jean skirt with a pearl pink silk camisole top trimmed with lace. There was no easy explanation for this!

“Kelly! If you don’t come down, I’m fuckin’ coming up!”

“Uh”

Oh my God! He would do it. But I was frozen in place. I simply couldn’t move a muscle. I felt so embarrassed. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He would be at my door in seconds. I was absolutely terrified that he would, freak out completely.

I heard a gentle knocking on my door.

“Kel it’s Corie. I’m here with Jimmy and I really think you should open up the door and come out.”

Come out, come out? COME OUT?! Who was she kidding?

“Kelly, just open the door and talk to me.” I heard a pleading sound in Jimmy’s voice.

“Nobody at school needs to know, I fuckin’ swear.” Well, I knew he did that, and way too often I might add!

Somehow, in my stunned state of mind, I managed to raise my tear-stained eyes from my pillow. “It’s open.” I managed to squeak that out between sniffles.

As he entered the room, I buried my face in the pillow again. Corie must have followed right behind him because I smelled her scent. I felt her sit down next to me on the bed. She put her arms around me and tried to comfort me but I was beyond repair at that point. I felt her get up off the bed. She told me that she was leaving the room but the door must stay open.

“You know something? You do look sort of cute. I could get a better look if you weren’t so fuckin’ attached to that fuckin’ pillow.”

I giggled in spite of my tears and my, condition. Now there was a thought for you; my face permanently attached to a pillow. Jimmy’s voice was very calm. I never noticed before but his voice was also quite deep and resonant. I found that mildly exciting in spite of my circumstance. I slowly raised my head from the pillow. My eyes were still downcast. I couldn’t look him in the face.

“You know, you are more than cute. You’re quite beautiful. Now, what’s this all about?”

Jimmy got off the chair by my desk and came over to sit on the bed with me. He kept a space between us but he turned his body to face me. I shrugged my shoulders, still sniffling and fighting back more tears. I was still tightly clutching the pillow to my breasts.

“Listen, I didn’t tell anyone about your nails and I won’t tell anyone about this. I only want to understand what’s going on. Are you a guy masquerading as a girl? Or are you a girl dressing up like a guy at school? And why are you doing this anyway? Why can’t you just be you, whoever that is?”

I think that was the most he’s said up to that point…ever! And he asked questions that were right on topic, as we say. I finally looked up at him (I was always looking up at him) and into those gorgeous baby blues of his.

“This” I pointed both hands inward toward myself. “is who I am.”

“So, what about school and the guy thing?”

“Well, that’s me as well. But I’m not comfortable that way. So I’m kind of changing, you know?”

Jimmy looked at me for a moment trying to digest what I had told him, which really wasn’t more than I needed to.

“Well, it seems to me that sooner or later you’ll have to make a choice.”

“When I enter college next fall, it’ll be as a girl. I’ve been taking drugs that are changing me.”

“Hormones?” He wasn’t totally ignorant.

“Yeah, the ‘mones. And my mom and sister are helping me.”

“Yeah, well I can see that for myself.” He smiled. I loved that smile of his. His entire face would light up. “So, what about us?”

“Huh?” Huh? Us? US!!!

“Yeah…the tutoring and stuff. Do you still want to help me or not?”

I felt both relief and disappointment when he defined us. I didn’t understand my attraction to him at the time. But I did get up to garner my books and I led him down to the kitchen to begin our session. And our session did go well. Of course, he couldn’t take his eyes off of me, especially after I washed my face and redid my makeup. And I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I couldn’t believe he was so accepting of me.

By helping him at school became even more difficult because I had to concentrate on teaching him and not staring at him like a love-sick kitten. And then there were the inappropriate questions. One afternoon, just before the S.A.T.’s, we were sitting outside at ‘our’ table when from out of nowhere, he leaned toward me and asked, in a very soft voice;

“What do you do with your” He looked around again. “tits when you come to school.”

I explained, in an even softer voice, that I either bound them with a soft wrap bandage, or I wore a tight tee shirt beneath my clothes. I would blush and smile and answer whatever he asked. ‘Yes, I’m wearing panties. No, I sit when I go. I don’t know, but I think I like guys.” It went on and on.

Then, one day he came out with the big one.

“You want to do something? I mean, we could get lunch or see a movie or something. Would that be okay?”

He asked me at school! If anyone else had heard our conversation, we both would have been dead. Hmm, Let’s see, did I want to go out, on a date, with him? Fuckin’ yeah! My face must have said it all because he smiled right back at me.

“It would have to be a Saturday or a Sunday though.” I wanted to be who I really was. “And it would have to be away from here, you know?” I was so afraid of being spotted and outed before ‘my time’; before I was ready you know, complete? Now all I needed to do was get permission from my mom. Dad was still off somewhere on a distant planet

.

“Oh, my God!!! With that guy? With what’s his name, Jimmy Hughes?” Nothing, and I mean nothing, was ever discussed without having a family meeting. Corie was more than slightly dismayed; she was miffed (you REALLY have no idea how much I love that word)!

“You’ve got to be kidding! I should be going out with him if he was my type. He’s nineteen for Christ’s sake!”

“Language honey, language.” Certain things brought my dad back to reality, for a moment or two.

Corie nodded at dad as an apology. “I think it’s a bad idea, a very bad idea.”

What did she know anyway! I mean, it’s not like we’re a boyfriend-girlfriend. We’re not going steady. And he did say during the daytime. What was the big deal? Mom sat quietly with one elbow on the table and her palm holding her chin. She listened to Corie and then looked at me.

“Well I don’t see any problem with”

Corie’s jaw hit the floor! Mom said yes. Oh my God! She said yes! But there were a ton of conditions. None of this and no that and be sure you’re home by, and so on and so on. I didn’t care. I would have agreed to anything for ten minutes to ourselves and away from home, and school. All I really wanted to do is to speak with him. I knew very little about him other than the fact that everyone at school was afraid to mess with him.

Saturday, the appointed day, couldn’t come quick enough. He was to pick me up at home and we would go to the city and have lunch and see a movie. It took me forever to get ready. I needed Corie’s help to pick out what to wear and even then I changed my mind three times. I was so excited!

I finally chose a mid-calf skirt in a sand color with an apple green camisole. I wore thigh highs (I hated pantyhose) and a pair of apple green skimmers to match my camisole. My makeup was an entirely different story. Corie had to help me with it, albeit reluctantly. I wanted to look a bit older, more mature maybe? I simply didn’t want to look like a fifteen-year-old girl.

Throughout the entire makeup session, Corie was giving me advice and warnings, especially when we were in the movie theatre. She had these dos and don’t and what ifs. Then she began to quiz me on what she told me. I tried to tell her that I felt safe with Jimmy.

“None of them are safe! They’re guys” I was somewhat surprised at her attitude considering she spent so much time going on dates and seemed to be even more enamored and entranced by boys than I was.

Fortunately, she finished my face just as Jimmy pulled up in his car. I heard him knocking at the door and I stood up ready to rush down to answer it. Corie grabbed me by my arm as I started to go. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“Wait, let mom answer it. You always keep them waiting a few minutes.” Under her breath, she looked at me with a frown. “I can’t believe she’s letting you do this.”

I frowned back at her. I didn’t understand her attitude about this entire date thing.

“Why are you being this way Corie? You’ve never acted like this before and I thought you were all for me being who I wanted to be.”

Just then mom called up to me. Corie still held my arm and, looking at me, she told me why.

“It’s because I love you and I worry about you. Mom use to say that to me but now, for the first time, I understand what she meant.” Then she hugged me and let me go. “Walk down slowly sweetie!”

Jimmy was in the foyer speaking with my mom. Or, rather, she was interrogating him. At first, he seemed really relieved to see me. He smiled. But then he sort of became mesmerized by me; the way I looked. He was all wide-eyed and I expected him to begin drooling at any moment. At first, I thought something was wrong with me.

“Do I look okay?” It took him a moment but he finally got his words together.

“You really look great beautiful.” His smile became even bigger.

I turned to my mom for the final inspection. I think her eyes began to well up a bit; her ‘daughter’s’ first ‘date’.

“Well?”

“You do look lovely.” She took me by my shoulders. “Better take a sweater with you though. It may get chilly later.” She went to the closet and after rummaging a bit, she handed me a white knit pullover sweater. I turned toward Jimmy.

“Shall we?” He nodded and opened the door. He took my hand and we walked out.