Not One Of The Girls - Part 7

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I awoke before the sun rose the following morning. I had to massage my neck fiercely as I had fallen asleep sitting upright and it was really stiff. I took a quick shower in my small ensuite bathroom, something that I rarely did as the water pressure sucked, before getting dressed. I then slowly opened my bedroom door and stepped over the tray of food that I assumed had been left there by Jake the previous evening. I crept along to the main bathroom and did my business before creeping down the stairs.

I saw my mom silhouetted at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, she looked as though she may have been sat there all night. Given my revelation the previous evening it was easy to understand why she might have been. She must have heard me on the stairs as she choked, “Alex, can we talk?” I sighed softly and with tears in my eyes, I continued along the hallway after ramming my feet quickly into my shoes, I slipped out of the house into the brisk early morning. I wandered aimlessly for the most part eventually finding myself walking along the same promenade that Damien and I were walking along the day before.

I stopped and watched some boats chugging past and out to sea. I remember hearing once, that the sound of the ocean and the feel of the breeze could make you feel better it really didn’t. When it finally came time for me to head towards school, I still felt as dour as I had when I left my house. I entered the school feeling numb and was digging through my locker to organize the stuff I would need for my classes when I felt the overwhelming urge to cry again.

I took a few deep breaths and managed to maintain my composure as I entered my first class. I saw Damien in the corner of the room, he winked at me before indicating I should sit with him. With a weak shrug, I wandered over to the table at which he was sat, he removed his bag from the extra seat allowing me to drop into it as he asked with concern, “Are you ok? You seem a bit shaken”. I sighed and without looking at him I grumbled, “Yeah, I got into it with my folks last night about skipping classes. I ended up telling them how I felt”.

I looked round to see the shocked expression on his face. “Wait! You told them how you felt? And after skipping classes too, pardon the expression, but you’ve got some balls Barbie” he grinned causing me to laugh darkly, “It certainly wasn’t how I intended to tell them, but my dad told me I needed to man up” Damien made an ‘ooh’ expression, as I left the end of the sentence hanging. “Well at least the worst part is out of the way,” he said almost cheerfully.

I frowned, “Yeah, you don’t know my old man; there’s still a fair amount of tunnel before that light”. I fell quiet as the lesson started and apart from the occasional questions to do with the current lesson subject, Damien and I spoke little. I was still feeling down as I entered the second class. Mr. Knowles began speaking about various prejudices in society, I felt my anger and sorrow building rapidly and after some time I just sat there crying silently.

I hadn’t even realized how distraught I was until Kickstarter knelt beside me and whispered, “You should go along to the nurse’s office. I messaged her to call your mom, she’ll meet you there”. I wasn’t sure if I was completely happy about that, but I nodded stiffly, before collecting my things into my bag and climbing to my feet. I left the class as Mr. Knowles walked back to his desk. I wandered through the hallways, debating with myself about just leaving the school and going for another walk. I decided against it though and soon found myself outside the nurse’s office.

I was surprised to find that the nurse Harriet or ‘Hattie’ as she insisted on my calling her; wasn’t even a full decade older than myself. She had a caring nature and had fussed over me as I entered her office, she bustled me onto the exam table and randomly wrapped me up in a thick blanket as she explained that Mr. Knowles had texted her, stating that one of his students seemed upset and that he was ‘sending her along’.

Hattie began asking me lots of questions as she made me a mug of hot cocoa, I sipped at the drink whilst answering her questions as best I could until she suddenly went quiet, she frowned slightly as she looked at the computer monitor in front of her, she then looked round at me with some confusion. “Um I need to ask you something, there’s something odd in your paperwork” she began. “Your files say I’m a boy, but I look like a girl, right?” I confirmed with a weak smile. The nurse nodded stiffly. “Yeah, I’m assuming by your reaction that you’ve had this happen more than a few times.

Um, I guess I should ask then and unfortunately, there’s no real delicate way to ask this, so I hope I don’t offend you but are you transgender or”. I flushed pink at the question, but as embarrassed as I may have been, it was nothing to how mortified Hattie seemed to be at having to ask me such a personal question, “Um I’m not sure, it’s kind of complicated” I murmured whilst staring determinedly at my knees “I’ve always felt uncomfortable in myself, but it was always something I could just sort of tune out, but recently it’s become a lot more difficult to do so”.

Hattie nodded her understanding as she made some notes on her computer. “It’s got to be hard, especially a kid your age. Have you told your parents how you feel?” she asked gently. I felt tears trickling down my cheeks as I murmured, “They, uh they found out yesterday, it got a bit heated about something else and I kind of blurted it out” The nurse winced sympathetically as I sighed, “It really wasn’t how I wanted to tell them, but” I trailed off with a weak shrug, causing her to sigh pityingly. “And how about here at school?” she asked, “is there anybody your own age you can talk to about it?”.

I shook my head slowly. “There’s a group of girls that I was talking to, they seemed really supportive and then there’s this guy in my class; Damien” I fell quiet as there was a light knock on the office door. “Mm, One second sweetie” Hattie murmured as she climbed to her feet and walked over to open the door a crack. There was a brief conversation in which I heard my mom’s voice explaining who she was. I felt myself blushing all over again.

After confirming who it was, Hattie opened the door fully to allow my mom access, she entered the room and smiled at me with relief as the nurse closed the door behind her. “Hey Mom” I whispered, looking determinedly down at my feet. “You had me worried when you rushed out of the house this morning” she uttered tearfully.

I nodded as tears formed again. “I know, I’m sorry, I was really embarrassed” I murmured as Mom pulled me into a tight hug. “Oh baby, I wish you had just come and talked to me” she whispered as I cried silently into her shoulder. “Um Alex was sent to me by Adrian Knowles” Hattie explained “He’s our head of social studies; he was concerned that Alex seemed so distraught during class” the nurse continued as she returned to her seat “After having a chat, it’s my understanding that certain feelings were revealed during a disagreement yesterday and it would seem Alex’s distress today is rooted within that situation”.

I felt my mom nodding her acknowledgment, “Yes, things were a little heated because our youngster has been skipping classes. The revelation thereafter was definitely a shock, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband quite so speechless” Mom chuckled dryly. Hattie then began to ask various questions about our home life. I wasn’t really sure what information she was looking for, but she asked a lot of questions about Dad and when Mom mentioned that I had an older brother, the nurse then asked similar questions about him too. At one point, Mom mentioned that Dad was a little ‘old fashioned’ and Hattie asked if he might be a risk to me if I were to transition. “Not in my house, he won’t be” Mom had responded fiercely.

After about fifteen minutes, Hattie concluded her questions, she seemed confident as she handed Mom several cards whilst stating, “So, whether or not Alex decides to act on his feelings, these guys are there to help, with moral support or advice, whatever you might need”. The young nurse then returned her attention to me. “If you want, I can go ahead and get you booked in with Doctor Baxter?” she asked. “She’s a local therapist” she explained “She’s lovely and she’s very compassionate, especially in situations like yours” she insisted. “Doctor Baxter!? Wait! Is that Emily Baxter’s Mom?” I asked quickly.

Hattie nodded. “So, you know Emily then?” she asked with a grin. “Yes ma’am, she’s one of the girls I mentioned earlier” I confirmed, “she’s awesome, she doesn’t take crap from anyone” I blurted, to which Hattie’s smile broadened. “Yep, that certainly sounds like our Em”. I looked at the nurse confused. “Oh, sorry, I forget that you folks are new in town. Doctor Elaine Baxter, the therapist: She’s my aunt, Emily is my cousin” she clarified. “I would assume then; if you know Emily, that you’re friends with Kiera and the others too?” she then asked. I nodded stiffly. “I don’t think I can be considered much of a friend though” I confided “I haven’t even spoken to any of them since the start of last week”. Hattie just let out a short laugh.

“I’m sure they’ll understand that you’ve had a lot on your mind and if they don’t want to listen; you send them my way, and I’ll set them straight” she insisted before inviting me to hop down from the bed. I pulled the blanket off and handed it to the nurse along with the empty mug as I thanked her profusely for her time. “I’m here if you ever need to talk. But remember; a girl’s best friend will always be her mom” She winked at me before turning to my mom. “I’ll get onto Elaine’s assistant shortly” she reiterated “You should receive a call just after the weekend to confirm an appointment for you” she chirped as she saw us out into the hall. With a final thanks from both Mom and me, Hattie smiled kindly before closing her office door with a soft click. Mom and I didn’t speak as we made our way through the school toward the main entrance.

We stepped out of the building into brilliant sunlight and walked down to our car, after climbing in we sat in silence for a long minute, before I looked around at my mom and burst into tears. I’m not really sure how long Mom just held me, she sat hugging me and hushing me gently as I cried myself into a kind of stupor. I hiccupped as I eventually calmed down enough to sit back in my seat, I then had to swallow hard to prevent another wave of tears as I saw the sad expression on Mom’s face. She reached over slowly and brushed some stray hair behind my ear as she murmured, “I knew something was eating you up, I should have figured it out before”. I shook my head vehemently.

“How were you to know? I hid how I felt for so long, it even took me by surprise, I just kind of accepted how I was until” “The bet with the cheerleaders?” Mom asked quietly. I nodded morosely. “Jake told you then?” I inquired. Mom was quiet for a moment before sighing heavily and explaining, “Well, after you left your father and me quite speechless; we were sat eating dinner, and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, I was so upset that you felt you couldn’t talk to me about it. Your father on the other hand very much found his voice.

I won’t upset you with the details of what he said, but Jake did something I would never expect of him he raised his voice to your father. “I think he felt a bit defeated at that point; both of his children had raised their voices against him in one day, so he huffed off to your uncle Jacks for the weekend. “After he left, that was when Jake admitted to seeing you in town a couple of weeks back. He said you looked quite beautiful” I blushed furiously at the thought that my brother would use a word like ‘beautiful’ to describe me.

Mom just smiled softly before continuing, “He said he was surprised of course; to see you out and about like that, but you seemed so happy and comfortable in the company of those girls, he told me that he had promised you that he wouldn’t tell us what he saw, but after you told him how you felt on a Sunday evening, he was worried. He didn’t say anything specific at the time, but he did mention that you seemed distracted”. “So, he did say something to you?” I whispered. Mom looked at me coolly, “Don’t be angry with him, he was only trying to help; in his way”. I just sighed softly.

"I know, I'm not upset with him. I just wasn't sure how much he might have told you about our talk" I admitted. Mom just smiled sadly at me. "He didn't even mention it, just said you seemed a little distracted was all. I knew he was right of course, but when I asked you about it, you seemed so hesitant to talk to me. "Then when you started withdrawing within yourself and started skipping classes. I honestly felt that I had failed you; in that, you couldn't come and talk to me about what was bothering you".

I saw tears streaking down Mom's face as she spoke. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that way, Momma. Really, I am. I didn't mean to; I was just trying to figure myself out and work out how to tell you without the, well, I didn't want it to happen the way it did" I murmured whilst staring adamantly at my knees.

There was a heavy sigh before I felt myself being guided around to look at my mom directly. "I want you to promise me, and you mean it this time" She looked at me with fierce resolve. "That in the future no matter what it is that's bothering you you'll come and talk to me?" I smiled weakly as I mumbled, "Ok Mom, I promise". She let go of me and as she started the car, she said, "Good. Now, how about we go and get some lunch?" I nodded stiffly, "Definitely, I'm starving". Mom just sighed again before grumbling, "Well, you did skip dinner last night and breakfast this morning". With that, we pulled away to find somewhere to stop for lunch.

As it was a warm day, we sat outside enjoying a Caesar salad at a nice little cafe/restaurant near the center of town. It occurred to me that it had been a long time since we'd sat and enjoyed lunch together, I apologized for this to which my mom said diffidently, "We've both got things going on, you're busy with your schoolwork and between you, your dad and Jake. I always have lots to do at home". I shook my head stiffly at the way she was making excuses on my behalf. "It's not good enough" I insisted "We should have lunch together more often" I decided. Although slightly surprised by my assertiveness, Mom nodded her assent. "Ok, if that's what you want to do" she smiled brightly.

As we were tucking into our lunch, Mom began to ask me questions about my feelings on potentially Transitioning. Although I felt really awkward to begin with, as I answered more of her questions, I became more confident in doing so. There was no judgment from her, no reproach, nor anger or disgust, just love and understanding for how hard it must've been for me, dealing with so many bottled-up feelings. "So, I need to ask; if you are sure about this...what do you want to do about your name?" Mom asked softly before giving me a playful smile, "I mean Alexander Michael Evans is a bit of a giveaway, don't you think?" she stated.

I frowned, I hadn't really thought about it, I'd spent so long just trying to work out 'how' I would tell my parents, that I never really thought about those kinds of details. "Um...what would you have called me if I'd been born a girl?" I asked quietly. Mom looked thoughtful for a minute. "I guess...either way you would've been Alex, but you would've been Alexis rather than Alexander. I suppose you would've been Alexis Jane Evans" she stated, I nodded my understanding. My Mom's Mother had died many years before Jake and I were born, our mom had made a promise that she would honor her mother by naming one of her children after her.

With Jake being the firstborn, he was named after the prominent men in Dad's family. As the second born, I got the honor of being named for my grandmother, with Alexander being Mom's chosen equivalent of Alexis. I frowned slightly as I asked, "Wait! Where does Jane fit in?" Mom chuckled lightly. "Do you remember your Aunt Ellie and I would tell stories about our aunt that looked after us after our mother got ill?".

Aunt Ellie's rich laughter filled my mind as I thought back, "Aunt Jane" I gasped "Your mom's older sister?". My Mom nodded with a wide smile. "That's pretty cool" I murmured as I thought about it. "Alexis Jane Evans" I repeated thoughtfully. I must've wandered off somewhere in my mind as, after a couple of minutes, Mom was almost shouting, "A.J. are you finished with your lunch!?". I shook my head quickly and looked up. "Huh?" I murmured dimly.

Between being lost in thought and the fact that I wasn't yet familiar with Mom's chosen moniker for me, I was completely oblivious to the young man that was waiting patiently to remove my plate. Mom just laughed heartily as I blushed furiously. "Oh! Yes. Sorry, I was in my own world" I grumbled as the server grinned that it was fine. He cleared our plates quickly and left us with our drinks. Jake's comment about my decision affecting the people around me floated into my mind, so I asked Mom, "How do you feel about my transitioning really?".

Mom looked at me thoughtfully for a couple of minutes before speaking, "You want my honest opinion?" she asked gently to which I nodded adamantly. "I think it will be hard" I felt my stomach dropping, my concern must've shown on my face as she quickly added, "I don't want you to misunderstand my meaning sweetheart. You're my child, and I will always love you, no matter what. And it certainly wouldn't be fitting to sit here and brazenly say 'no, you can't but". A tense look spread across the woman's face for a moment before she sighed, "But...I'm going from having two sons to having a son and a daughter. I think there will be times when I will miss my baby boy. You understand?" I was quiet for a moment as I mulled it over in my head. "That's fair, I guess" I mumbled "It's sort of like losing one child and then having another" I determined to which my mom nodded slowly.

"I will admit; the idea of having a daughter to share certain memories with is a bit exciting" she chuckled before finishing her coffee. "Speaking of which; I think we should go shopping?" she insisted gently. I nodded my agreement. "Yes ma'am, I'd like to get some appropriate clothing, if that's ok? I'm fed up with people thinking I'm a boy because of the way I dress" I asserted with a cheeky grin. Mom laughed heartily as I gulped the last of my Coke and we headed off to do some shopping.

For some reason, I felt really self-conscious about what I was wearing, all of a sudden. Having decided to go ahead with transitioning, I felt somewhere within me, that my attire would give my game away somehow, even though Mom insisted on several occasions; that even without trying, I just looked like a scruffily dressed girl. It got to the point where she dragged me into the nearest teen boutique, where she bought some clothes for me to change into in the changing room in the store itself.

The outfit was simple; plain white bra and panty set with a pretty, baby blue top and navy jeans, over the top of that. I wasn't sure about the jeans, having spent so many years wearing baggy ones, having form-fitting clothes was a bit of an experience for me. I was busily complaining about the tightness of the jeans when Mom came bustling into the changing room, I blushed furiously as she looked me up and down before insisting that I give her a twirl, which I did.

She tutted me stating that I had a nice shape to me and that I should stop being paranoid, she then quickly pulled the tags from the clothes and went to pay for them. Leaving me to gather my old clothes into a bag that she had got from the store clerk. "So, there was a young lady in there somewhere?" the woman behind the counter joked as I approached the two of them. I turned bright red again as my mom chatted with the store clerk about my apparent 'tomboy' phase. It was explained away that I had no real interest in 'Orly' clothes until recently, hence why we were out shopping today, I thought it was intriguing how my mom had mostly been truthful about the situation, the only thing she really left out, was that I was genetically male. We spent probably another twenty minutes rifling through clothing in that store.

At first, as I was still really self-conscious, I kind of just clung to Mom as she walked between the racks, perusing the available wares, but after several times of her chastising me; telling me that I looked fine and that I needed to give her some input as I would be the one wearing the clothes, I finally began to relax and really got into the shopping. It was different from the day I spent out with the cheerleaders, my mom's idea of what looked nice was a far pace from the cheerleaders and we spent a good amount of time having good-humored debates over what looked nice and what didn't. "What about this top?" Mom inquired as she held up a sun-shine yellow top.

I walked over and took the item from her and looked over it, "I'm not sure about showing my navel so much" I murmured as I held the crop top up against myself, Mom just tutted as she rifled through the basket of clothing we had already decided on and pulled out a short black skirt. "With a nice pair of sandals, it would go perfectly with this skirt" she insisted. I grabbed the proffered skirt and walked over to a nearby mirror, I then spent a minute just swaying left and right, trying to decide if I liked the combination or not. "Ok fine, you've convinced me" I grumbled before placing the two items into the basket. "See and who says your old Mom isn't fashionable" Mom joked. "Well, I reckon the girls might have something to say about some of your fashion choices Mother" I teased causing the woman to feign a look of hurt. "Getting your boobs and butt out is not fashion" she retorted making me laugh.

We wound up finishing in that store having spent what I thought was an outrageous amount of money. The woman behind the counter thought it was hilarious as Mom explained that she would be using Dad's credit card to buy my new wardrobe; she of course wasn't to know the real reason why Mom found it so amusing. I had to admit, I was really nervous about seeing my dad after my revelation, as he was purportedly staying with his younger brothers for the weekend, I wouldn't have to face him just yet, so I tried to push it out of my mind, but it didn't stop me from being anxious about the inevitable meeting, all the same.

I was a little surprised and embarrassed as I realized our next port of call was a lingerie boutique. Mom had no reservations about walking straight up to the young, slightly dumpy, assistant at the help desk and explaining that as I was coming out of a tomboy phase I needed to be measured properly. I was then led off to a cubicle as my mom perused some of the items in the store. My nervousness must've shown on my face as the assistant chuckled, "Your first time being measured huh? It's nothing to worry about hon, I'm just going to measure your bust, your waist, your hips, and then your height, you don't even need to get undressed if you're not comfortable doing so. I'll just adjust your measurements slightly to accommodate for the thickness of your clothing" she asserted. I just nodded my appreciation.

Once inside the cubicle, I was asked to lift my arms up, the woman then proceeded to measure me around the 'bust' as well as my under-bust. When she was happy with those measurements, she wrote on a small pad before then moving down to my midriff, she then measured me around my hips before having me stand against the wall with my back to a long, measured pole. I still felt a little self-conscious given her proximity to me, but she was all done in less than five minutes.

I was then led back to where my mom was waiting by the help desk. The assistant looked down at her pad of paper and read off, "So, we have a thirty-four; band size with an A-cup, twenty-eight-inch waist and thirty-two inches in the hips and just under five-two in height, you're a high-schooler, right?" the woman asked softly. "Um, yeah" I grumbled dimly "Why's that?" "Girl, you're already a cutie, but you haven't finished developing yet and if you look any more like your Ma before you're done, you're gonna need a stick to keep the boys at bay" She grinned with a playful wink.

My Mom thanked the clerk with a chuckle whilst I just blushed furiously, before dragging me off to look at the items in the store. I again found myself really embarrassed as we wandered through the racks of very scandalous negligees. Armed with the information that was my actual sizes though, my mom set about gathering me some undergarments. It took me a little while, but again I began finding the confidence to wander among the racks of clothing and pick out things that I actually liked.

I would check with my morn on her opinion before either dropping them into our basket or replacing them on the racks. There were a few items that I was surprised she agreed to as they were a little on the racy side. After plucking up the courage to ask her about it, she reasoned that as time went on; I would want to experiment with stuff and that lingerie like that would likely be a part of that. It was some time before it clicked in my naïve brain what 'stuff' she was talking about.

There were a few items on the racks that caused even my mom to blush as we tried working out how you would wear such things let alone the reasons why you would wear them. So, between the sets and the multipacks of both bras and panties, I had a decent number of undergarments; to the point, I reckoned I could easily go a couple of months without running out of clean underwear. After spending an insane amount, where even my mom raised an eyebrow; as she calmly handed over my dad's credit card, we left the lingerie store.

We continued through town ducking in and out of stores and purchasing various items. I did notice Mom; not so subtly, adding some items that she wanted to the baskets as we went. Eventually, we couldn't carry much more. So, after buying maybe ten pairs of shoes of varying styles, including some really pretty sandals and a gorgeous pair of heels, that I had to admit at three inches in height kind of scared the crap out of me, we finally decided that we were both tired, so we staggered back to the car.

As we climbed into the car after struggling to fit all the purchases into the back my mom looked over at me and smiled. "What?" I asked as I flushed pink. "It's the first time I've seen you smile like that in a while" she purred. "Well, I had an awesome day out with my mom so" I trailed off as I looked down at my knees. "I really am sorry that I didn't tell you before" I began. I felt my mom pulling me around into a hug, "It doesn't matter" she insisted "The important thing is that I know now, and you can move forward". I felt like I was about to cry again and took a couple of deep breaths, determined not to ruin a perfect afternoon. I felt Mom kiss me on the top of my head before she pulled away from me and started the car.