I was in love with him for the first time - Chapter 5

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That next week in school was absolute torture for Jimmy and me. To be so very close to someone I was so very attracted to literally hurt. He was no better off than me, especially when we were sitting outside in his secluded little corner of the world. It took all of our strength not to reach out to embrace and touch lips.

Then after school, our world would change back into something we were both more comfortable with. And the weekends, my God the weekends; I wished they never ended. My fam was becoming more and more accustomed to Jimmy’s presence. They would, on occasion, permit him to stay over. Though we had a guest room, my mom wanted him in the family room on the couch. She thought that the further away from my bedroom he was, the ‘safer’ I would be. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My Jimmy reciprocated by favoring me with his tongue and mouth right in my own bedroom whilst everyone else was asleep the very next weekend! I was a bit surprised that he did so, and I surely didn’t encourage him. After all, I didn’t want him to do anything that he couldn’t handle or would feel weird about.

But he licked and sucked me! Not that I gave the same sort of display he made. In fact I never even became erect! Oh sure I dribbled a little bit, but the fireworks really didn’t begin until he stuck one of his fingers up my ass. He hit some sort of magic spot and I exploded in a fit of delight unknown to me ever before; even when my dick worked the way one should!

When I saw him the next day, I could see that he was distant and upset about something. He didn’t look at me. He simply sat and, shoulders hunched, his hands wringing, he stared at the floor. I felt the need to reach out with my hand and touch his leg. He flinched. I had to ask.

“What’s up, baby?” He shrugged his shoulders. He turned and looked at me. This was the first time I saw fear on his face.

“I’m not queer.”

“What?” What!

“Last night. I’m not gay.”

I was shocked! I hadn’t expected this kind of reaction from him. I didn’t quite know what to say t him. In truth, I felt a little nauseous. What I felt, and what he did the previous evening was no mistake. He felt a strong enough attraction to me to do something, incredibly beautiful and giving. I wasn’t going to let that disappear.

“Look at me, baby.” He remained as he was; off into himself. I reached over and gently, but firmly, turned his head to face me. I had tears in my eyes. I was afraid of losing him.

“I never thought you were.” I pulled his face down to mine and kissed his lips. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. I could feel the tension flow out of him.

This, of course, led to our first intimate conversation on personal hygiene if I wanted Jimmy to do that again; which I did. We became as close as two people could be under the circumstances. Outside of school, where ever you found me, you’d find him. Even when baseball practice began in the spring, I’d be there in the bleachers watching along with some of my girlfriends. We had to be so very careful and I was.

This soon led to our relationship with Chrissie. I mean, I was already friends with him. Chrissie had a unique situation; he never knew where his parents were. They were always out someplace which left him alone and at home, sometimes for days. I had come out to him one Saturday when Corie and I stopped in to visit and I was dressed as the real me.

Of course, to know Chrissie meant that you also had to know Bryan. Bryan was the largest guy in our school. He was slightly taller than Jimmy and certainly outweighed him. Bryan was in the automotive program and loved building cars and engines.

He and Chrissie had been friends since elementary school and had remained, for some unknown reason, the best of friends. Bryan often defended his smaller friend and anybody else who needed defending. He always liked to pick on the bullies in whatever school he was in.

Our school wanted to see what would happen in a fight between Bryan and Jimmy but that never happened. Bryan was on his last suspension before expulsion for fighting, and Jimmy had a reputation for street fighting which meant that you’d better come prepared to be seriously hurt if you messed with him. The two of them got along and Jimmy was no bully. He was happy enough to simply be left alone.

Chrissie, and Bryan, also kept our secret well. Both knew the devastating effect something like that could have upon us all. It wasn’t a few years later that Bryan came out as bi-sexual and had become more than a friend to Chrissie. Bryan drove and Chrissie cooked. When Chrissie moved to New York to attend F.I.T., Bryan followed after two years and they’ve really been together ever since.

Anyway, our S.A.T. scores came back in November. Jimmy was ecstatic! He scored nearly twelve hundred combined. This meant that he could attend either one of the schools he elected to go to; the University of Florida or the University of Miami; both great schools for studying baseball. Not only could he attend, but he would get a complete ‘ride’ at both!

Corie did well on her testing and she had pretty good grades. She got into several schools but she elected to stay in state because of the ‘Bright Futures’ policy which would pay most of her tuition. So she chose Miami. She had no idea what she would study but she adored the nightlife of the big city and the party campus-like atmosphere.

I had a totally different problem. I was accepted everywhere I applied in my junior year. With fifteen eighty scores and a three nine-nine (unweighted) grade point, schools were coming to me! I even had three Ivy League schools and Duke coming after me. Plus there was ample scholarship money available in the technical and health science areas. Everybody wanted the fifteen-year-old honor roll senior.

This, of course, raised some rather serious questions amongst our now extended family members. I really didn’t want to leave my comfy little nest at home. I’m also a Fort Lauderdale girl, I don’t do cold! So that left everything north of Jupiter Beach out. Spring break in Daytona? As if Brrrrr!!!

There was also the situation of my not being anatomically correct? What do I tell the roommate that doesn’t send her screaming off into the night? And with my luck, she’d be a born-again something. My sister was more than jiggy with being my roomie. The problem is that only one school I applied to could possibly accommodate my ‘special’ needs.

Then there was Jimmy. Oh my God! I really, really wanted to sleep with him, and he with me, and I mean more than a stolen nap here or there. Having a geographically convenient significant other was so totally cool! And having an understanding roomie wouldn’t hurt.

Feces occurs.

I need to sit down. This vanity was such a wonderful purchase and I love the old-fashioned oval mirror with the matching wings. Everything today is so pressed wood and mica. I can’t believe I was ever so young and naíve. Hmmm not too bad, Oh God! My emeralds! I nearly forgot. So I bought myself an emerald necklace, bracelet drop earrings, and a ring. I’m a very strong believer in retail therapy. They were on radical sale and they really had a lot of blue in them. They also kind of set out my eyes. What time is it! He says; ‘Come to your reunion.’ MY REUNION! ‘It’ll be fun.’ Yeah, right! My feet are already killing me!

Some ten-year reunion! My reunion!

Those two years, my first two years, couldn’t have been more perfect had a fairy Goddess mother blessed me. I tested out of my freshman and sophomore years and decided to double major in bio and psych. I could knock off both Doctorates in four to six years blindfolded.

Jimmy, oh my God! Jimmy was coming into his own as a ball player. He started on the varsity squad and hit off every pitcher he faced. He was batting three seventy-eight with a ton of ribs and was being scouted by the majors in his sophomore year. In his senior year, he was drafted first round through some wheeling and dealing. Six other players on his team were also taken in other rounds.

Because of my ‘special’ needs, Corie and I lucked out of the freshmen dorms. We were in a quad with its own bathroom and loved campus life in general. It proved easy for her to bunk somewhere else when Jimmy and I wanted privacy. Eventually, she simply became accustomed to coming in ‘after ours’ and nodding off to sleep.

My world fell apart during my senior year. That’s when Jimmy told me he didn’t want to see me anymore. I was crushed! He crushed me! Somewhere amongst the mess that constituted my mortal remains was the torn remnant of my rent and bleeding soul. Even now that memory brings a tear to my eyes. There was no explanation or excuse. It was simply; “See you.” I must admit that he was not thrilled about what he had said but at least he had the balls to say it to my face. And I had this vision of his face burned into my mind forever along with his essence?

I went through the entire self-doubt thing. Maybe I wasn’t this, or maybe I should have been that. The only thing I could figure out was my extra equipment. Maybe he met someone with a real veggie and he found that, and whatever came attached, more suited to his lifestyle. I began to really fixate, and hate, my dick. After a month and a half of crying, I made the decision. I would get the slice and dice.

I had planned to do it once my schooling was finished. I would be in my late teens or early twenties. But now I wanted it done yesterday! I took my exams early and Corie, Mom, and I flew to Europe. My surgery was a bit more than the average ‘cut’. A section of my bowel was used to form the new me. My dad had to remain home, but he did speak to me the day before I left. He brought tears to my eyes when he was finished. We sat side by side in the family room.

“I don’t know if what you’re doing is correct. But, then again, you’re smarter than your mom and I put together. I do know that anything you need to do to be happy is really fine with us. Just don’t let emotional events dictate who, and what, you are. And always remember, your sister, your mom, and your dad are your biggest fans.” As my tears flowed, he took me around and whispered into my ear. “I am so very proud of you.” He kissed my head and the next day I was off.

I spent nearly a month in bed screaming in pain and it was a year or so before I dared take it for a ‘test drive’. But once I did the big “IT” I suddenly fell in love with my new anatomically correct body. Cosmetically, it was the best veggie money could buy. And it still came out cheaper than college tuition!

After our, or should I say his, breakup, I ceased having anything to do with him at all. Even his name brought me pain and tears. I couldn’t help but follow his baseball career anyway. He was sent to the triple ‘A’ club of a northern team and got called up within three months. Then he did his thing; hit the fuckin’ ball. They taught him how to hit for percentage and placed him fourth on the batting list (?). He wound up in second place for Rookie of the Year. He missed by three votes!

While he was doing his thing, I was doing mine. For a while, I was bed hopping like a frog on a skillet. When I could find someone who was half-decent looking and knew what he was doing, I might go for a second round. I discovered why my sister sometimes said; “It should have come Teflon lined.” One thing about guys, they always made a mess and I had to sleep in it! Eeww!

I read that Jimmy, in his second year of pro ball, married some ‘lace curtain’ and moved to the North Shore. My heart sank a wee bit that day. I even tuned in to the sports news to see if they had any coverage. They did and my heart sank a wee bit more. She was gorgeous. She pumped out ‘Irish’ triplets in their first four years of marriage.

Being where she was from, one doesn’t bother with baby diapers; that’s the ‘helps’ job. She got some really cute young colleen from the other side to mess with that. Then, to my shock and surprise, Jimmy’s wife cleaned out their bank accounts, at least the ones she knew about, and split with the nanny! She not only left town, but she also left the country. They were finally discovered in Southern France.

My first emotional response was, GOOD! Fuck him! But after seeing the way the media went after Jimmy and dug up everything and anything he’d ever done, I began to feel sorry for him. I mean, there he is, stuck with three little ones, and he’s on the road for two-thirds of the year. The press had no mercy. Praise God I wasn’t on their list.

I heard I think from Chris, of all people that he bought a house somewhere in town and his aunt and her friend moved in. During the off-season, he would come down with the kids and his aunt would help out. I have no idea how he fended for himself, or his children, during the season.

Jimmy was, in spite of all the press he received, being touted as the next man to hit four hundred in the majors. He was burning up the ballparks with his hitting. What he didn’t send ‘downtown’ bounced high off the green monster at home. He got a new contract for multi-mega bucks with all sorts of clauses that spelled ‘made’ in anyone’s language.

Then the unthinkable happened! I was watching the game that day. I mean, I rarely watched baseball because aside from him being in it, I really get a little bit lost in what’s going on. Anyway, he came up for an infield fly ball (whatever the hell that is) and when he caught it, he turned to throw the ball but his right foot stayed planted as the rest of him turned. I swear you could hear the two snaps. I nearly lost lunch watching the replay in slo-mo. I felt my heart go into my throat instead. I felt the blood drain from my face as they brought out all sorts of people and equipment simply to get him off the field.

Whatever my emotions were, I would never wish that sort of thing on anybody. The first thing I did was call Chrissie. Every once in a while Chris would hear from Jimmy. Chrissie immediately turned on the game while they were going on and on about the instant replay. He too felt shocked by what had befallen Jimmy.

Within two hours Jimmy was under the knife at Massachusetts General where surgeons were attempting to rebuild his leg. I immediately sent flowers to him and I later sat down and wrote a letter expressing my grief for his injury. I also told him that looked back at our time together with fond memories of simpler days and that I am a better person for having known him. This was true. I still felt for him. I remember crying as I wrote it.

Jimmy’s pro-ball career ended that Saturday afternoon. There was some talk of a front office job because they still had to pay him on his contract. In fact, they owed him for the next few years. So while he probably won’t get to the Hall of Fame, he won’t want for anything.

I didn’t hear back from him. I guess with all the fan mail he must have gotten, it would have been tough to find my little note amongst the thousands he received. So I went about my business of teaching at the University. I wrote two books that were accepted as required reading so I was doing alright with my career. I stayed busy doing clinical research at the medical center.

My Reunion,

I must shake myself away from this mirror! I need to finish dressing. Now, where’s my green silk shawl? What! You didn’t think I would expose myself completely in this gown, did you? As if now I must go downstairs and wait for those two bozos to show up. Here they come. I see Bryan’s car. Oh my God!!! They’re not even dressed!

“Why aren’t you guys dressed? I’ll look like such a fool showing up with the two of you!” I am really pissed off now! Chris was no help at all.

“We’re changing there.” Somehow his smile really put me off. “Don’t worry. Everything will be perfect. I planned the entire thing. You don’t even have to, you know, ’out’ yourself?”

“Well thank God for the small things! That’s all I need tonight. I don’t know how you talk me into these things Chrissie.” I was fuming and Bryan was giggling like a madman. I really didn’t care for this dressing mode and I didn’t really care for this sort of event. My ten-year reunion, my ass!

Oh my God! These two bozos just pulled up to the Riverside Hotel! Little wonder this thing cost so much. They must have reserved the dining room or something. At least it wasn’t the school gym and the smell of a couple of decades’ worth of perspiration!

“Listen, Kelly, why don’t you get out with Chrissie and I’ll go park the car.” Well, at least Bryan sort of had a plan. “By the way, you look totally hot tonight.” Gee, thanks for noticing Bryan, you jerk! I threw him a sarcastic smile.

There were all sorts of people milling about on the street. That wasn’t unusual for a Saturday evening on Las Olas Boulevard. I get out of the car with a helping hand from Chris. We walk to the entrance of the hotel. As Chris holds the door open for me, and I walk through, I hear this deep resonating voice.

“Let me see those nails.”

OH MY GOD! It’s him, HIM! I feel my heart jump to my throat. I’m looking up into his eyes. He’s smiling Such a beautiful smile! I can’t believe this. I’m gonna pass out! He is so beautiful I mean handsome. He’s wearing a tuxedo black of course. And he’s got on this wonderful collarless linen shirt kind of a slate grey. Of course, he’s not wearing a tie.

“You’re more beautiful than I remember.” That voice!

I smiled as a tear rolled down my cheek. There is weariness in his gorgeous eyes, and maybe the odd line or two about his face. The years had taken their toll upon him physically, and I’m sure, mentally. Then I feel my blood rise.

“You set me up! You set this entire thing up!” Now I’m angry! I’ve been set up by the three of them.

“I’m not that smart. You should know that.” He laughed. “Chris called me up and told me we were having my ten-year high school reunion. I asked if you might be there and he said probably not. But he did offer to invite me as his guest.” Oh, that sounded so familiar!

“Why did you break up with me!” I was on the verge of major league tears and I felt my face redden. I really didn’t want to make a scene but I had to ask. I look to my left and right to see if I’m making too much noise. He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at his shoes. He kind of kicked at the carpet as though he was in the batter's box; doing that thing they do.

“The coach back in college told me that I was headed for the big show, you know?” He looked at me again, this time the smile was gone and I swear I could see tears begin to well up in his eyes. I nodded. “He told me that if there was anything in my past that I didn’t want everybody to know about, I should announce it before the press did.”

“Yeah? So? What! You were embarrassed about me?” I was angry and now hurt. But he didn’t seem to want to back down or away from whatever he was about to say. He looks off for a moment searching for the proper way to explain this to me. Then he looks me squarely in the eyes.

“Did you hear about my divorce?”

“Yeah. I heard about the whole thing. It seemed to go on forever.” Weeks, at least!

“That year I hit three ninety-six. The bad press didn’t bother me, especially about that crap.”

“Yeah? So?” He looked down at his shoes again and then back at me.

“But if they had gotten to you, and they would have, that I couldn’t stand. You would have been the morning headlines for weeks or even months. It would have made you”

“Yeah, freak of the week.” I saw a tear flow down his cheek. I had to agree with him. That would have destroyed my world. I certainly didn’t need to be the poster girl for ‘Freak of the Week Times’.

“Well, what about Mrs. ‘Lace Curtains’ and all of that?” He laughed. It was an open laugh. He shook his head in disbelief as he wiped the tear away.

“I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time.” Now I laughed. “You know, I still have that letter you wrote me when I got hurt. It’s right here.” He patted his inside jacket pocket. Oh my God, he didn’t use the ‘F’ word once!

He straightened up and sort of loomed over me a bit. He furrowed his brow and in his deep resonant voice, he commanded me:

“Now, let’s see those nails!” He smiled.

He raised his hands and held them toward me, palms up. What could I do? I smiled coyly and put my hands into his, palms down this time. After all.

The End.