I should have been a girl - Chapter 6

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The few days I spent with Jenn, dressing in her clothes and learning makeup seem little enough as a rehearsal for the part I am now to play on the World's stage. Shakespeare said, 'All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts,' and just as in Shakespeare's time, I as boys did then, will play a female role.

I rise from my bed and look out of my bedroom window.

The day looks chill, a fair breeze blowing and I wonder whether I shall feel cold in female gear when I change. I imagine sitting on the draughty station waiting for the train, my suitcase by my side and I shall be shivering in my mini skirt and thin underwear. Perhaps at Washington Union, they will have some- where for me to change into warmer clothes or buy winter tights, or long boots, yes long boots, I would love them but they all seemed so expensive when Jenn and I window shopped. Leather will certainly be out and yet it's only early autumn, so girls are still in light clothing, no matter what the day. I will just have to shiver.

I dress in the panties and bra set Jenn gave me, and I smuggled in last night. I don my best jeans that I may still wear as a girl. I wear a check shirt like I have seen some of the girls wearing and sweat over the top. No more boy pants. They were so horrible. I hated dressing in the morning. They were the first garment every day and the last at night, objects of dis-may, every day, a twice-daily reminder of my status as a boy, and more than that, for sitting on the toilet was pain, a burning hatred of my body, a reminder that I am a son who would become a man. I have to change the inevitable or die sneak.'

Breakfast and I can't speak. Robert says, gotta say sorry, you little.

Is that supposed to be an apology?' Well, I said sorry.' Yes, but you didn't really mean it did you?' He looks at me. Well, you should be a proper brother.' `Yes Robert, you should. You'll be sorry one day.' What do you mean?' `One day, you will remember this breakfast and you will be sorry?' `Friggin' soppy creep. Christ, you're just mental.' `You're a moron.' Now stop it, boys.'

`I'm a girl Mom. I don't care what you do to me or my idiot bone-headed, football thug brother says. In my brain, Mom, the most important part of the human animal, I'm a girl.'

`Stop it right now Craig. You are just trying to provoke us. And you Robert, stop it and stop making life more difficult for him at school. You could try to be as good at your lessons as he is.'

Robert gives me a look as though to say he'll get me later and he mouths the word, 'later'.

'No you won't,' I say. 'Mom he says he's going to get me later.' I don't mind sneaking on him because in less than thirty minutes I will never see the bully again.

`Robert, don't provoke your brother, we'll only get more of his nonsense.'

Breakfast over I collect my bag with its load of contraband, my computer, tablet, and my stolen items. I sit in the back of Mom's car hugging my backpack and feel so vulnerable, in bra and panties, frightened that somehow people will just look at me and know what I wear beneath. Of course, they won't, but I am almost paranoid about discovery, yet I'm excited that at last, I shall appear as I wish to appear. This day, even in Mom's car, I'm starting on the long road to becoming Alyssa. On arrival at school, I get out and this time, I kiss Mom, for this is goodbye.

She says, 'I do love you Craig but I wish you would stop having these crazy ideas and all this philosophy you spout. Life is quite simple if you embrace God.'

`Mom. I did embrace God and he didn't make me whole. Bye, Mom. One day you will regret you didn't listen to me.'

I turn and walk to the Oak tree where my beloved friend Jenn stands waiting.

`So this is it?' She says immediately and I can only nod as my throat contorts and my eyes fill.

You will keep in contact, Alyssa?'

Of course, first through Payton and then later, directly, as soon as it's safe.'

We walk obliquely across the wide lawn, hand in hand; a course that takes me nearer a line of Austrian pine that will hide my path to college road.

When we reach there and are shrouded by the low branches, we hear the school bell ringing the five-minute warning.

It's time Jenn, this is it. You have to go or face detention. I have to meet Payton. I'm going to cry if I stay here, so I'll get going if I'm to get the 11.10 to New York. Love you, Jenn.'

`Love you more Alyssa.' She whispers. We kiss lips, for the first time ever. I hold her and she holds me.

`You're wearing the bra!'

`Mm. They're lovely Jenn, thanks. I'll treasure them forever. I will see you again one day.' I look around for Robert but most kids have already gone to school. Jenn still stands there.

`Bye,' I say. `Bye. God be with you Alyssa.'

I turn quickly and walk out of the grounds and around the corner to Eisenhower where Payton is waiting patiently.

Payton opens the rear door of his Taurus and signs for me to get in. `Lie down until we are out of the city.'

He takes the driving seat and we set off at a brisk pace until we reach the city limits and the empty parking lot of a closed factory.

He switches off the engine and I'm frightened he may have betrayed me and Mom or Dad may arrive to collect me at any minute. I also imagine them dragging me off to an asylum and leaving me imprisoned there while cold-hearted doctors carry out all sorts of dread attempts at a cure.

Craig has turned in his seat, even as I reach for the door handle to flee. 'Now Craig, I just want to ask once more, are you really going to do this, or do I take you to school and we forget the whole thing?'

'I'm going to do it. I thought when you stopped you were handing me in Payton. I can't stay at home with my parents behaving as they do. I have to do this or my life will just not be worth living.'

'OK, then we better get going. I'll bring your case into the car. You can start to change as we go, then I'll stop where you can do your makeup. Now I gotta call you Alyssa, so my sister tells me.'

'Thanks, Payton. You won't watch, will you? I'd find that so embarrassing.'

'I'll keep my eyes on the road.'

We set off again and I open my case and take out the items I'm going to wear, thick tights, and short mini skirt that show a lot of legs, a nice little blouse, and an off-the-shoulder knitted top. As it's a remarkably cold late September day, I wear the light unpadded parka. I put sneakers on my feet which I've chosen because I feel I may have to run to escape whatever. That shows the paranoia I feel, that I will be a hunted person. Actually, it's not paranoia. Now I have run from the home where I felt unloved, I feel sure my parents will be distraught. I'm filled with guilt whereas before in my hurt mind, I had this extreme desire for vengeance. I have nil security and I would love to be home except that I'm not welcome there, the real me that is, is not welcome there. It could have been so different if only they were not so wrapped in their idea of religion and had understood how I feel.

When I'm dressed I say, 'Payton, I'm ready to do makeup when you find a place.'

"I know a place. I recced it the other day when Jenn told me of this foolish plan.' He looks in the mirror and we make eye contact that way.

'You look pretty girlie to me already Alyssa. Don't use too much makeup or you will look a tart. Jenn said naturally.'

'That's what she told me. I just want to look older that's all.'

'I'm so worried about all this. I want you to text me every day. If you're desperate, I'll come to fetch you from wherever.'

'Thanks, Payton. I wish you'd been my brother. I'm pretty worried too, just desperate.'

'You got cash?'

'I have enough for a while. Yeah.'

He pulls into a side road and then we bump over uneven ground into a grove of trees.

'Do it then Alyssa.' He gets out and paces about. I see him on the edge of the grove. He kicks and a beer can hurtles into the air.

So I make my face and I comb my hair and it won't quite do as I want it to but, it's as good as I can get it.

'Well?' I say through the open window. 'Stand out so I can see all of you.' So I get out of the car and stand feeling really awkward and stupid and shy. I manage a girly twirl and it feels so good.

He looks me over. 'Twirl again.' I twirl as gracefully as I can. 'You'll do, very graceful, quite disturbing. Very pretty, young teen girl. I don't like the sneakers.' 'Nor do I. I'll change them.' I undo the laces. I put on my heels and stand out again for further inspection by darling Payton. 'Well?' 'Christ. How do you do that? I see what Jenn means. You are so girl. OK, let's get you to Union and on that train. I think you're very brave.'

'Thank you.'

'I didn't finish. Or mad I was going to say, but I should probably think desperate, shouldn't I?'

'Desperate is the word I would use. Payton don't be nice or I'll cry.'

'Well, we don't want that. Sit up front with me. We still got thirty miles and I better step on the gas.' He hands me an envelope. 'That's your ticket. Put it in your handbag.' to.'

'Yes, Payton.'

He leans across and kisses my cheek. 'That's from Jenn, asked me, 'She's the best, and you are too, Payton.'

'Yeah. Look if they catch you, you hitched a ride in a truck, not with me, got it? If my Mom and Dad ever found out, they would skin me. They'd take the car.'

'Of course. I wouldn't cite you, Payton. I'm in enough trouble without bringing anyone else down.'

We meet traffic and start the crawl into the city. 'I'll drop you at the kiss and ride.'

The traffic seems horrendous and I keep looking at my watch, the one Jenn has given me. The five minutes seem to go by in a flash and first, it's ten-twenty, then twenty-five, then thirty and the minutes are melting faster than snow in April. At last, I see the sign to Union and Columbus Circle and Payton is cursing because he's on the wrong road, Massachusetts Avenue and then we swing around and go underground it seems and he says, 'Well here you are kid. Alyssa, handbag, and case. Don't talk to strangers. Make sure you're safe and if necessary, go to the police and fess up. You hear me?'

'Sure. Good advice Payton. Thanks so much,' and I lean across and kiss his cheek, just like a young girl should.

'God keeps you safe,' he says. 'Here almost forgot,' he hands me an envelope, 'from Jenn and me. You be careful.'

'Amen,' said I, and I'm out and walking to the escalator towing my little case, and handbag across my body. When I look back, he's gone. I hope he doesn't get the blame.

I emerge into the concourse and it's all light and airy, beautiful, like a strange cathedral. When they built this, they knew how to build. It's wonderful. I have twenty minutes. I see a sign to H&M and I think I would love to browse for clothes, but my head is on the right and I look at the departures board and see my train, 11.10 to Penn Station, New York. I head to the platform and I carefully avoid any officials who might later be questioned whether they had seen me. I ask a lady if this is the right train she nods and smiles at the girl Alyssa, and I board. I find a seat and take out a book and try to read. Then I remember the envelope and I open that and find a good luck card, love from Jenn and Payton.

What lovely friends.

My heart is thumping so loudly that I think anyone near me can hear, and I feel nauseous, I'm so nervous. At any minute police could be running down the platform, and the train would be delayed while they search for me, like on a film I saw, I forget which one, perhaps the Thirty-nine Steps.

The train gradually fills, not so full that people stand but most seats seem to be filled, at least in this carriage. I can't read. My nerves are completely shredded, out of control. I'm almost at a point where I want to jump off the train and ring Payton to come to fetch me. I know he would. It would be better to go home, dressed as I am, and face the music.

Just then the train lurches and then pulls smoothly accelerating slowly and crosses points with a shake and a clackety-clack and there is no turning back. I'm aboard and New York bound. A lady sits opposite. I try not to look at her.

I start to read my book but I can't concentrate, so I just look out of the window at the passing suburbs and wonder whether I really have to do this? Of course, I know the answer. No, I don't have a choice. I don't. Three went back it would be restrictions, more prayers, perhaps standing in front of the whole congregation and having them all pray for my soul and deliverance from the devil, and I would have to stay a boy and be bullied at school. I can't do that. I can't be a boy.

I think about what could await me if Uncle Jem turns me away. I heard whispers in the family that he was living with another ranger, a woman who was still married to another man, very naughty. Jem was living in a pool of sin according to Dad, speaking of Mom's younger brother. I remember Jem as a big man, with a gleam in his eye and he danced with verve and surprisingly light feet when I saw him at Hannah's wedding over a year ago. That's when I spoke to him about his job as a ranger and that was when too, Mom told him that I had strange ideas.

Mom was telling him that I liked animals, although we had none in our family she said, I walked Rusty, the neighbors' setter. Jem had asked if I played sports and I said no. Mom had told those within earshot, I was very effeminate, and that I fantasized I should be a girl. I blushed and blubbed. At twelve, nearly thirteen years old to be outed even to Uncle Jem, was so shaming in the society I grew up in.

Jem had put his great arm around me and said, Well it's not unknown in nature and it's a known syndrome according to the American Psychiatric Association. I met a trans girl, used to be a colleague's son and now she's a rather nice-looking girl and happy.'

That was when I had first thought about running away and who would be better to run to than my understanding and protective Uncle Jem and his encircling arm.

All these thoughts of my immediate family and Uncle Jem and my future as a girl and how I would fare at school and hopefully college later, whirl about in my brain like leaves in a whirlwind in autumn. As one settles, that of being dragged back to Pantonsville and shamed in a Meeting, an involuntary cry comes from my lips. The lady opposite looks up from her magazine.

`Are you all right dear? Is it your first time away from home on yours?

`Yes ma'am.'

And you're homesick? Well everyone has to leave home at some time. Where are you going?'

New York ma'am.'

To seek your fortune? You are very young. How old are you?'

'Nearly seventeen ma'am.' You needn't call me ma'am. I'm Grace.' 'Alyssa.' 'You look young for your age dear, that can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.' 'I know I look like a baby.' 'I hope you have someone to look after you.' 'Oh yes Grace but it's just leaving home for the first time and having to make new friends. Life is rather frightening.' The conductor arrives to check tickets. I produce mine. 'Your ticket is coach, this is business. You'll have to move.' He says to me like I'm a criminal. 'Can I buy you coffee or tea?' The nice lady says as she passes her ticket to the conductor. 'Oh that would be lovely, thank you. What do I do with my luggage?' 'You can bring it with you. I checked mine. Conductor, that's all right isn't it if this child comes with me? I will pay any excess.' 'As you are both moving, I'll forget about it, ma'am.' 'Thank you conductor, you're very kind. Come along Alyssa, don't leave your handbag dear.' I drag my case on its wheels for three cars and we find the dining car. 'Now we may as well eat. You look pale and in need of sustenance.' 'I'm OK thank you.'

'Yes, but you don't know when you will eat next, nor where do you? Otherwise, you wouldn't appear so frightened.

'No Ma'am.'

'So can I tempt you? Something light or something sustaining. Don't be afraid to offend, just choose what you would like. Don't look at the prices.'

'So many things that I've never tasted,' I say, and there is only one thing there I really know and that's a burger.

'Well now, perhaps the Angus Burger. It's a real meal.' 'I don't know what an Angus is?' 'It's a type of cow, that originated in Scotland.' 'It's tremendous calories.'

'And you need to look after that slim figure? I don't think so. Why not have the salad then, just over a hundred calories, and have some chips on the side?'

'Thank you. That will be lovely.'

All the time I'm wondering if I'm passing. I have never been this close, or in the company of a stranger as a girl before. I'm also frightened that this nice lady may not really be nice and has some idea to kidnap me or something. I know as I think of this, that I am feeling paranoid, that someone any minute will stand and shout, 'Boy, boy! Exorcise the devil!'

I sit embarrassed and frightened not knowing how to make small talk with this lady who has taken pity on a defenseless young girl. I'm terrified that she also sees through my disguise to the boy in the girl's clothes and will see in her mind's eye, the obnoxious penis within my panties.