I should have been a girl - Chapter 7

OTHER PARTS | ALL STORY LIST

If I could, I would run from her. It was I now think, a great mistake to accept her generosity and be that close, even to a complete stranger. Should I just make an excuse, go to the bathroom, and hide up somewhere on the train? I can't do that either, because I have all my possessions with me, my handbag and my wheelie case that I have dragged three coaches to the dining car and I can hardly take that to the bathroom. I'm trapped and I'm now resigned to my fate.

You are a very shy young lady, if I may say so. It's a hard world out there and you have to have courage or others will trample over you to get to the top. So tell me all about yourself? Why are you going to New York and what will you do when you get there.'

I'm going upstate to my uncle to live, at least, I hope I am.'

'So, there's a backstory here? What are you running from?'

'Are you a Christian?' I ask and I realize that to her, that must be the strangest question that apparently has no connection with our conversation.

Well, there's a question out of the blue. Ethically yes, I think I can say that I try to obey the Ten Commandments and the teaching of Jesus as I was taught in my school thirty years ago. Do I go to Church? Not regularly. Weddings and funerals, once in a while at Christmas, never at Easter. I don't like all that dying on the cross-business, sends shivers down my spine. I can't even say I'm a convinced believer. That's me, how about you? You are I take it a good follower of the Lord?'

`I'm damned, that's according to the Brethren and our Church.'

'Are you Amish? You don't look Amish, but are you from one of those Christian sects.'

'Yes, well no, no more. Not Amish, much more obscure, like from the deep South where Dad comes from, The Deliverance Church. They believe in Armageddon, sometime soon, 2056. They said I was possessed by the devil, so I've run away.'

`Oh, dear. I'm sensing there's something else too dear. You can tell me, Alyssa. I'm safe. Why do they say you're possessed by the Devil?'

Can you not tell?'

Is it writ on your pretty wrinkle-free forehead, on your luminous skin?'

`No, I hope not. I'm trans, a boy feeling like a girl.' I bite my lip and breath out hard as tears fill my eyes. I wait for her condemnation and her order to leave her presence while she calls for the conductor to throw me from the train. Before she can say anything, I add, 'I have a girl brain and a boy body. I've run away because my parents can't understand and they say it's the Devil at work.'

Well girl, that sure has hit me sideways. I didn't see that one coming down the track. You certainly look and sound like a girl to me. So how old are you really? I guess not seventeen by long chalk?'

No Ma'am. I'm not quite fourteen.' Where do you hope to end up?' With my Uncle, upstate in New Hampshire.' He really exists, this Uncle?' `Oh, sure. He's a ranger and he's kind.' And your own kin?'

They had me exorcised. It was horrible. So I've run away. Please, don't give me away.'

You have this Uncle's telephone number?' Of course.' I'll not rest until I know you're safe. Here's what I'll do. I'll phone you tomorrow and I'll phone Uncle, what was his name?'

Uncle Jem.'

`Here's my card. If that doesn't work out, call me. I live in NY and I run a large company. Keep in touch, I'm interested and sympathetic. If you ever need something, let me know. This Jem fella, he's OK?'

I hope so. He's a sinner like me.'

`Bless you, honey, I don't think there's much sin in you. How are you getting to New Hampshire?'

`There's only two trains a day, so it's a coach and it doesn't leave till six and gets in after nine at Lawrence. Then I have to find my way to Uncle Jem in Winshipton. You're not going to hand me in?'

I ought. A young girl likes you alone. It's not safe.' `Please don't. I can't go back.' What in hell did they do to you?' They stripped me of my clothes.' Were you dressed as a girl?' No Ma'am.' I hold back from telling the whole truth. It's too sham-ing. 'Then, they prayed over me. Called me a sinner that would go to hell.' `Why in the hell did they? What else was going on? Give.' `Ma'am,' I fight to control my emotions.

'I have badgered my Mom and Dad for four years, saying I should be a girl. My friend Jenny had given me a few girl clothes that I hid under the wardrobe. Mom went on a spider hunt and moved the furniture, and found my things.

That's why She raises an eyebrow and then frowns. 'Thanks for the truth. I guess that takes a whole lot of guts to say. Don't you cry, not here, you listen to me! Dab those eyes. I'm going to help you.'

How?'

`Well, I sure won't send you back to that. I have a car waiting at Penn and I think a little trip up north will be nice this time of the year, forests on the turn, starting to show a little color on a sunlit afternoon, it will be good. I shall not be able to relax until I know you're safe. I want to see this Jem, make sure he's OK. If he's not, then I'll think of something else. Now I have to reschedule.'

Our food arrives and we eat. The chips are lovely and the salad is good too, but who really loves salad. I still don't know whether I fully trust this lady but I have her card that says, McKenzie, CEO WorldTransit Corp. She must be on the level surely and she acts like she's very important, but she doesn't talk like it. As Grace eats, she also phones.

'Listen Gail. Regarding the meeting this afternoon, something has come up, a personal matter and I shall not make it in till tomorrow morning. Just make sure Michael is at Penn Station when my train arrives at 14;30, that's two-thirty, no fail. And he should be prepared to drive upstate to New Hamp-shire.

Yes, that's right, somewhere near Lawrence, out in the sticks, the boondocks, returning tonight. Tell him he better cancels Letitia if he's seeing her. One more thing, that new girl, Lily, asks her to research this Deliverance Church, some retro fundamentalist lot. I want to know all about them. I want to know where their Meetinghouses are, who manages them, the free-holds or leaseholds of their properties, and the lot. No, I don't think they are a big sect. Shouldn't be so hard for clever dogs Lily. Yeah, that's all Gail, you can knock off early.'

She puts her phone away, the newest iPhone, and I covet it, although the old Samsung I have does everything I want and a lot more. Still, I'm just a kid aren't I? Kids want, wasn't it ever so?

`OK, so I'll see you safely to Uncle Jem and if he won't play ball, then we'll go to plan B or C. Is he OK with this Jem?'

Yes, Ma'am.'

`Grace kid, Grace. Well if he isn't, you can't go home if what you say is true, I mean look at you, so pretty with your long legs and that hairstyle. They would be sure to whup your hide clean off and we can't allow that.'

We finish lunch and as the table is not required, especially after the fat tip I see her pass the server, we stay comfortable where we are and eat ice cream.

`You're a brave kid. Hang onto my card and one day, if you need a job, come see me. Meanwhile, let's get you settled and safe and you can promise me to work hard at school.'

We arrive at Penn and I'm still not certain I should trust Grace, even if she has the latest iPhone and a chauffeur. I mean look at Cruella de Vil, not that she was real, but anyway, we have to take these dark fairy stories as a lesson don't we? Isn't that what Hans Christian Andersen was about? Messages wrapped in fairy tales. Disney wrapped them all up in froth and candyfloss and lost the message but messages are there in Andersen, Brothers Grimm, and Roald Dahl. I had plenty of time to read because it was an escape from the family and thinking about my miserable lot.

I follow Grace towing my case, my bag slung across my body and she heads at a brisk pace for this enormous Mercedes. Although I'm apprehensive, I also feel so elated to be walking about in my little mini, the skirt touching my thigh occasionally, my legs smooth in tights and my handbag slapping against my abdomen. Michael, the chauffeur jumps out and opens the rear door and then sees me and my case he reaches in and touches a control and the trunk lid opens like it's on tortoise control, slow and easy, rising to a stop and even before that, Michael has placed my case within and the trunk lid shuts down in the same slow time with a tiny click. It's so smooth. There's no escape now, I'm in the clutches of this lady. I just hope she's on the level.

Michael is a youngish black guy, I mean a lot older than say Payton but not nearly as old as my Dad and he's really handsome and clean. He wears a dark blue suit and the whitest shirt with the cuffs showing from the jacket sleeves. I just think he's the smartest man I have ever seen. He gives me a smile. Grace motions me to enter by the other door and I think first, as an inferior, I'm to sit up front with Michael, but he has rushed around and has opened the other rear door. He puts out a hand and supports my arm as I enter.

I remember what Jenn taught me about entering as a lady, and I park my tush on the seat and swivel my legs in keeping my knees together while smoothing my skirt and pulling it down so I don't show anything. It's complicated being a girl but I love it. I also love that Michael assisted me just like he would a real lady and as he had Grace. 'Where to Ms. McKenzie?' Michael asks. 'Lawrence New Hampshire, I thought you were aware Michael.' 'Yes, Ma'am.'

We head out up 8th Avenue past skyscrapers, not famous ones but taller than anything I've ever seen and Grace points out Times Square and then Central Park and I think like 'Friends' and almost expect to see one of the gang, but of course, I don't, for that was just a sitcom. As we head north, the traffic gradually lessens and we take A right and then another and cross the Harlem River and we swing onto the Expressway heading for Boston. I feel so drowsy, and Grace has pointed out landmarks and told little histories but my brain has gone. I fall asleep.

When I wake, I'm just in time to see a sign that says Worcester City Centre, but we keep following Boston and I think maybe I will see the Harbor but before we get anywhere near, we head off There's hardly any traffic now and our driver, Michael, just keeps the car at a steady speed, mile after mile through green countryside, that's mainly forest. The sun flickers through the trees and the car steadily drones on. I wonder whether we will ever arrive or if we are really heading to Winston. It's well after six and the sun is obscured by trees and hills a lot of the time. Another hour passes and it's after seven when we reach Winshipton Michael now has the plot in hand and we pull up at the Park Ranger Office. He goes in and asks for Jeremiah Rowlandson.

When he emerges he says to Grace, 'Not far. We go first right. It's off Eastside Road.'

The place seems like a wilderness, with houses buried in Forest. This really is the Boondocks, the sticks. This makes Pantonsville a really bustling city in comparison. We find a post box with Rowlandson printed on the side and draw it into the curb.

'Well, here we are Alyssa. Let's go see if Uncle Jeremiah is home and whether he's pleased to see you.'

Michael retrieves my bag from the trunk and Grace and I head into the path that leads to the front porch and mount the stairs. Grace raps on the door.

There's noise inside, a radio or TV and that is turned right down and a dog barks from the other side of the door. There's conversation and the dog is obviously being removed. The door opens to reveal a lady of around forty.

She looks at us questioningly. 'Sorry to keep you waiting, I had to talk to the dog and remove him or he would have licked you to death and his breath could do with an Altoid. He's very old and sick and going to be put down.' Oh God I think, what have I come to that they can talk so casually of killing an animal? 'What can I do for you folks,' She asks. Her accent is like nothing I have heard before.

'We are looking for Jeremiah?' 'Well, you are in the right place. So who are you?' 'He's my Uncle, my Mom's brother.' She looks at me hard. 'Oh yes?' She frowns. 'This is unexpected. Are you sure you should be here? This is Jeremiah Rowlandson's place.' 'He's my uncle.' 'Your Mom would be?' 'Mrs. Cantrell, Jean. I'm Alyssa Cantrell.'

'I thought she had two boys. So what are you doing up here? Who are you, lady?' She says turning to Grace.

'I'm just a friend of this young woman and wanted to make sure she arrived safely. Grace McKenzie. So Jeremiah will be home soon?'

`Sure ma'am. I'm Deanne his partner. He should be home any minute unless something's wrong in the park.'

Do you mind if we wait?'

No, make yourselves at home. I just have to take the dog to the vet. We were having a last word together but he's in pain, and incurable. I reckon you're not going to steal the family silver by the size of that limo out there with the flunky. So, I'm to the vet, say goodbye to the old fella, then pick up Nathan, my son. He's at basketball up in Lawrence at the Elementary school. Still can't make out what you doin' here though little girl.' here.' Can you ring my Uncle and tell him, Alyssa, tell him Craig is

Craig? Where? In the car? Well, bring him in.' `I'm Craig, was Craig. Now I'm Alyssa.' Well, I never did. You poor kid. I'll phone your Uncle.'

She uses her mobile. 'I just hope he hears. In these valleys, he doesn't always. Ah, Jem? Can you talk? Only we got a situation here. At home. Yep, no nothing like that. Your nephew Craig has turned up but he's a girl. Girl, GIRL. Yep, that's right. You're coming home now? OK. I'm off to the vet with the Goldie and then to fetch Nathan. I'll leave them here in the house. Yep, some lady, rich by the look of the car and the flunky sitting at the wheel. Right. See you about seven then Jem.'

'Well that got him moving, ah Alyssa. You sure don't look much like a Craig, no more. He'll be home in about ten minutes, so I'll say bye for now. You're lookin' good. See more of you later. Will you be staying too?'

`I just want to make sure Alyssa is safe.'

`She'll be good when Jem gets here, but you are welcome to stay and the guy outside too. We'll do eats for you and the guy outside and at a push, we can do beds. Bye for now.'

She picks up her keys. 'Young lady, will you get the door and the door of the SUV for me, please? I got to carry Goldie.'

I do that small task. There are tears in my eyes that this poor old animal will soon be no more. I wish I didn't feel so emotionally, so deeply.

We watch as she reverses the old SUV out of the drive at speed, making Michael move the Mercedes in double quick time.

'Well, Alyssa? It wasn't open arms but then it was somewhat of a surprise and they have a few problems with the poor old dog. Would you mind if I stay and make sure you are well placed.'

`I'd like you to. Grace you've been so kind. Thank you. I'll never forget it. Did you know I was trans?'

Not until you said, no I didn't. I just saw a girl who was very unsure, slightly distressed.'

'Would you say I pass?'

As a girl? Of course, you do. That's important, isn't it?'

'It's what most trans want above all, to pass. There are a few who want to be out there, exposed, objects of interest but most want to pass and are upset when they don't. Nothing is worse than being misgendered, appearing in a nice dress and someone calling you sir or he apparently. I've yet to find out.'

`Looking as you do dear, I can't think that will happen to you. Well, this must be Uncle Jem coming in now.' An SUV with an official badge on the door has driven in.

He marches up the drive and opens the door and then the great bulk of Jeremiah Rowlandson fills the lounge doorway.

Well now, let us have the introductions, starting with this lady.' Jem says.

`Grace McKenzie. I traveled on the train from Washington and met this lovely girl. I wanted to be sure she would be safe, so we drove up here from NY. I can leave her in your safe hands?'

Not yet you can't, not without a meal inside you. That's your driver out there? Well, he better come in too. And this, pretty little girl, what's your name?'

`Alyssa, Uncle Jem.' So Alyssa, what's happened and why are you all the way up here?' Because Uncle, you were kind and understanding when everyone else was against me.' `Then you had better tell me what happened and why you've come to me?'

I tell him about the family not recognizing me as trans and the events leading up to the exorcism and the infamous exorcism itself. I tell it in full this time and show the yellow on my arms from where they held me, arms spread.

`Had she told you that Grace?"

'No, she hadn't, not all. She held back the worst of it and I can see why. Now I really understand why she's left home.'

'You sorta burned your boats, haven't you Alyssa? Well, I can't blame you after what the good Brethren did.' Jem says thoughtfully. 'Well, you can't go back there. Do you want to stay with us, is that why you're here?'

'I hoped. You were the only one in the family who understood and didn't talk about sin or being deviant or mad.'

'Well we can give you a home and you can get your medication, but we have to find a practitioner for that. We can at least get you on these T blockers you say you have to have pretty damn quick. That will give us time to find whoever deals with this trans thing. I read up a bit after it all came out a couple of years ago at Hannah's wedding.'

'So can I live with you then Uncle?'

'You can and welcome, but I need to tell my sister, your Mom where you are.'

'They'll come for me.' 'They may come but they will not take you back. I won't let them.' 'How Uncle?'

'Child cruelty is an offense. They could face prison for what they did. I can lawyer up and threaten to expose what's gone on and I really don't think your parents or these Brethren would like that. I think they'll be sensible. I can't understand how my sister has changed so much.'

'I see you know how to play hardball.' Grace says. 'Well, that's good because this child has had a rough time. I had no idea when I befriended her.'

'I thank you for taking care of her and bringing her to us. Now, I think we should all go out to dinner. I'll ring Deanne and tell her to meet us at the diner. Are we going in that sleek limo out there? We better take the guy sitting so patiently.'

'Michael's paid to be patient Jeremiah, and I pay well. By all means, we can take my car. Would you like to sit up front where there's more room?'

'Thank you.'

We all drive to what we find is the 'Big Chip, steaks, burgers, and skins. The sign outside is a chip from a tree, a lumberjack in the background. When we are all seated I look around at the people who will be my new neighbors, hopefully. They look just the same as in Pantonsville, a bit more wrapped up, and a good few men in tartan shirts that I guess are from the history of this part, where so many Scottish and Irish people settled after landlords and famine forced them from their homeland.

Everyone seems to know Uncle Jem, and he seems a popular figure around here. He hardly passes a table without someone talking to him. We find a table for the six of us and we are just seated when Deanne and a kid turn up. We are all introduced to Nathan, and I'm called cousin Alyssa. That sounds so good I have a smile as wide as Boston Harbor. It feels so brilliant.

The day had started in excitement mixed with extreme fear, mixed with the joy of at last being the real me, and with sorrow at leaving behind my birth family and my real good friend Jenny. Here I am, in my new family who seems already to accept me, cozy in this eatery, with Grace, whom I was lucky enough to sit opposite on the train, and Michael, her patient and apparently well-paid and good-natured driver. Driving Miss Grace.

We make chit-chat, keeping off my past life and the family I have left in Pantonsville. Grace talks about her company which seems to be very large, not only in the States. She says in reply to Deanne's question about how she and I met, 'Well I never travel on a plane if I can help it and when I'm on a train I go business unless it's a real long trip or an overnighter. I don't fly unless I have to, because I was once involved in an aircraft fire, luckily just before take-off, on the runway and I slid down the emergency shoot thing. I lost a favorite pair of shoes too.'

Everyone laughs that shoes could be a consideration in such a misadventure.

'On the Train from Union, I find I'm opposite this kid who should be in coach when the conductor comes and tells her she gotta move to coach. So we do lunch in the diner.'

'One day,' she announces later after we have eaten ice creams and the adults have coffee, 'I hope this young lady will graduate from a good university and come work for me. I hope you will make sure she studies hard.'

'I'll certainly do that and rest assured, she'll keep in touch. It was a lucky thing she sat down with you on that train.' Jem says in his gruff voice.

'It was lucky that I blubbed,' I say, 'or maybe Grace would not have noticed me.'

'Oh, I noticed. I thought this child is in trouble before that sob escaped. I have no children, married once but there was an argument about who wore the trousers and so I got shot. This girl, Alyssa was sent for me to take an interest in. If I wasn't so busy here, there, and everywhere, I would want to adopt, but she's better in a nice family up here. I want you all to keep in touch, let me see her school reports and everything and if I can be of help, let me know.'

'Some advice about what we do to get her the best transgender help would be good.'

'That I can do, as soon as I get into work tomorrow. I know people. I guess it will be Boston but maybe NY. If NY you must come to stay with me and see the city.'

'What's transgender?' Nathan asks curiously.

'It's like being born a girl and feeling like you should be a boy or a boy feeling they should be a girl.' Deanna says.

'I'm a boy and I feel like a boy.'

'But I was born a boy and I feel like a girl and I like feeling like a girl. I hate being a boy.' then?'

'You look like a girl.' Nathan says, still puzzled. 'Are you like a boy?

'Yes, but the doctors will make me a girl.'

'That's so weird. Is it all about what makes you happy?'

'Yes, that's it really. Some people are so miserable being born boy or girl, they just can't stay like that.' Grace says.

'Thank you, Grace,' I say. 'You are like my fairy Godmother. You provided a carriage and a coachman to bring me here and have been so kind. Thank you so much and Michael, thank you.'

Michael says nothing, just smiles.

'Well, I don't think I can do more here and we have a long drive don't we Michael. So I will bid you all adieu. Just remember, if you need the law to sort this out, I have lawyers. Keep in touch and I will contact you with the best treatment centers.'

I get up and go with her to the door. 'Shall I call you Momma, if that's OK. I'd like to.'

'That would be lovely. Keep in touch. An email, not a message on Facebook or anything, a proper letter, once a week. Promise?'

'I promise Momma. Can I kiss you?'

Of course sweetness. You really are a girl, aren't you? For the first time, I've met a child who has made me feel maternal. Come kiss me and I'll get going. Poor Michael has a long drive and I have to get back for meetings that I postponed today.'

We kiss and I see her into the Mercedes and wave goodbye. I'm sad to see her go but glad to return to my new family.