I should have been a girl - Chapter 8

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I sit and listen while Uncle Jem speaks to Mom by phone. Well, she tells me she doesn't want to come home.' There's a gap while he listens to Mom.

'Just a minute, I'm putting you on speaker phone so she can hear. Now say that again sister.'

`He, he's a boy, not a girl.' I hear Mom say.

Now, sister, I have here someone who looks very much like a girl to me. She sits here, in a mini skirt and a nice little blouse thing and she looks really nice, pretty. The hair was nice. I respect her having the guts to run away, especially after what you did.'

`What did we do? We didn't do anything wrong.'

You took her apparently to the Pastorium and the Brethren then stripped this child, they cut off her panties and beat upon her.'

It was for his own good, to save him.'

Well, I believe it was child cruelty. You used not to be like this. We grew up with good parents but they had a perspective on things. They didn't ever accuse their children of being sinners nor would they have countenanced us being beaten by so-called elders of the church, in fact, they never resorted to physical punishment, although sometimes we did cross the line.'

We want him back. Are you going to bring him back?'

No sister. I've given her my word that she can remain here as long as she wishes.'

Then we will have to come and fetch him.'

That will be a waste of time and money. She will stay here as long as she wishes. I have promised her that she will receive medication, counseling, and treatment to become a girl. We'll send her to school as a girl and make sure she works hard and achieves whatever goals she has. My aim will be to have a happy child and quite honestly, I don't care whether that is Craig or Alyssa, whatever makes her happy.'

`He. He's a boy.'

No sister, she's a girl as long as she wants, needs to be a girl. You should read up on the science instead of all that Old Testament fire and brimstone and stuff.'

He is our child, we'll decide on his future. Jeremiah! Are you listening? We'll go to the courts if needs be. This is child abduction.'

`I didn't abduct her. She ran away from you and came to me. If you go to court on this Jean, I shall make allegations of child cruelty against you. It could go badly with you and John, ending in jail. That would not look good and could ruin John's business. Now let's be sensible. The minute she says she wants to come home, I'll put her in the car and bring her. Until that happens and I don't think it will, she remains here, living as a girl as she wishes, receiving treatment and I shall send her to school as a girl if that's what she wants. By the look of her and by what she says, what she tells me, there is no hope she will ever grow up to be Craig. She's holding my hand now.'

`How can you say these things? How can you threaten us? All we wanted was for her to grow up straight.' There are sobs coming from the phone.

`It's no good Jean. You didn't treat her right, allowing her to be stripped, her panties cut from her buttocks, and the Elders beating her body. Poor kid, how could you be so cruel. Now I have to tell you and John, if either of you come near without clearing it with me, I will take out a court order and I will make a complaint of child cruelty.'

'You are being so cruel to me, your sister.'

'Maybe one day, she will want to see you again but let me ask her now, so you can hear. Do you want to go home, Alyssa?'

'No Mom, I'll not come home. You wouldn't listen and you allowed those dreadful men to strip me and beat me. I hate you mother and I hate dad.'

We hear a shriek and sobbing. 'That's enough Jean, tears won't bring her back. I'm sorry for you, but what you did, was unforgivable. You heard her. You lost her trust, something a mother, a parent should never do to a child.'

'Now you listen to me, Jeremiah?' I hear Dad's voice. 'I'm listening brother-in-law.' Jem says. 'Bring that child back to us and we'll say no more about it.'

'Bring Alyssa back to you so you can repeat the abuse and make her life a misery? I don't think so, brother. You had your chance to do right, but you put your crack-pot religious fervor before the love and care of your own child.'

'You'll be sorry you said that Jeremiah.' Dad threatens. By now I'm trembling, wondering where this back and forth will lead.

'Now brother-in-law, you listen and listen well. After what you and those Brethren of yours did, she may have done something dreadful. There are kids committing suicide every day. She has even thought of it. Luckily she didn't, she ran to me, the only person in the family that showed her understanding. I loved my nephew and now I love my niece. She is the same person as she ever was, but now, I hope, she'll be happy. My lawyer will be in touch to draw up a legal adoption. Bye Jean and bye to you. I'm sorry for you and ashamed of you. That's not how we were raised Jean, what you did there.

We worshipped but the church was a place of love. You've done badly here Jean and that dried-out scarecrow of a husband is worse. You're not fit to be parents.' He slams the phone down.

That was hard to do.' He said. You OK Alyssa?'

Yes, thank you, Uncle. They won't kidnap me, will they?'

`I hardly think so. Still be alert, just in case. Now tomorrow, we need to get you registered at school. That's number one. Number two we need to get you on these T blockers. Doc Jessop is a personal friend so that shouldn't be difficult. Then we need you to be registered with a qualified gender therapist. Then we have to get you papers as a girl, God knows how I do that. Now tell me once more and think what you're saying. Are you going to be Alyssa forevermore? This is not some whim of the moment?'

`Uncle, you know I've always been like this. Being a boy is slowly killing me.'

He grabs a hold and squeezes me tight. He plants a beardy kiss on my forehead.

`Yeah, I guess I already knew that. OK, then, we will do our best to give you a happy life. Never be afraid to tell us how you feel. You can tell us anything, you hear?'

`Yes, uncle.'

Now, Dee, you may find her a bit hard. She's just a bit frightened of being soft, things in her past, but she has a heart that's platinum, worth more than gold, and she's straight. If she says no, it's a no. No wheedling will get around her but she'll see you aright. I hope your friend Grace will come up with something. Are you happy so far?'

I'm really going to be a girl here Uncle?'

'You are already, aren't you, and yes, school as a girl. I know the headmistress because we teach about the park and wildlife there, so it's all set right. It won't be easy, kids are kids and they can be cruel. Deanne and I will do our best for you. You need to work hard whatever nonsense goes on.'

'Thanks, Uncle Jem. You're the best.' I throw my arms halfway around his great bulk and kiss his cheek. He pats my butt and I turn and Deanne stands there watching.

'Poor kid,' she says. 'Your home is here now and we will love and look out for you, so I'm not mom and not aunty, just Dee. And I think Jem should just be Jem, not Uncle. It's gonna be fun having another woman in the house, especially shopping and watching soppy films. In winter, I'll teach you to ski and Jem'll teach you about wildlife and the Park. It's gonna be a whole lotta fun little sister.'

they?'

'Thanks, oh thanks. It's been so scary. They won't take me back will',

'They can try but they won't.' 'You've both made me so happy.' 'Then off to bed and we'll come in and tuck like I do Nathan.'

I just get into bed when the door's knocked and Deanne asks if she can come in. My case lies on the floor, open but it's still half full.

'Well that won't do, your nice clothes will crumple lying there.' She proceeds to put them away in the wardrobe and on the dressing table. 'We will have to shop for more clothes, for school, and for the coming winter. It gets cold up here and the winter's long. You need a lot and I guess you will need toiletries too. So tomorrow we will buy what we can while Jem sorts out school.'

'Which school will it be?'

`There is only one and that's in Lawrence, the same complex Nathan is at, all three schools in one. It's a fine school, won awards too so a clever kid like you should have no bother. We've sent an email to your old school for reports on performance and attendance. Jem has told them you have come to live up here for health reasons and I guess that is near the truth, isn't it? I reckon I'm gonna have a lot of fun with buying girl stuff with you. Nathan hates shopping, especially for clothes but I'm guessing you're a girl who likes to shop? Right, that's all your little case emptied. Do you want your teddy in there?'

`His name's Fergie. Mm please, I should give him a cuddle after he's been buried in my case.'

`Do you want a kiss goodnight? I ask because I don't want to do anything you might not like.'

'I like it if you like Dee.'

We kiss and she tucks me tightly, so tight I can hardly move. No sooner has she gone, than Uncle Jem knocks and enters.

'OK? Good. Anything you need Alyssa?' I shake my head. 'Well if you do, the child light burns in the hallway and another in the kitchen. You happy?'

'I'm happy Uncle. Thank you for taking me in.'

`Sure kid, it's a pleasure. Oh, it will be a challenge and you will have your down moments I expect but I want you to have what makes you happy. Tomorrow we go see Doc. He's a good guy. You should have this T blocker stuff by the weekend and we will have to go to Boston and shop. Dee says you need a lot of clothes, boots for winter, wet gear because it does rain and snow in these mountains, a swimming costume, more undies, and stuff, she's making a list. So I and Nathan will do our thing in Boston while you two girls shop. That's Saturday. Tomorrow you go to the Doc and Dee will take you there. As soon as I get your info from school we'll see the headmistress and get you into class and I guess that's as a girl?'

'Yes. I can't do boy anymore. Too much unhappiness.'

'You will have to be strong. Kids, if they see a chink in the armor, they will attack. Stay cool. Ignore as much as you can but I'm gonna teach you self-defense, so if you need, you can give someone a slap that will teach respect. Be dignified and be honest. I think that's the way. The cat normally sleeps in this room. Shall I leave the door ajar for her?'

'Oh please, Uncle. I'd love to have her on my bed.' "OK, Kid.' 'Uncle, can I have another hug?' 'Of course honey. Sweet girl.'

We hug and it's delicious although he is so big and his beard is rough. He smells nice though, clean and soapy.

He turns the light out and leaves the door ajar with a shaft of light cutting the room in two. I keep hoping the cat will come, but I'm asleep before she enters. I wake in the night and find her pummelling me with her paws, just like she's kneading bread and purring loud enough to wake the house. I stroke and she sniffs my hand, then settles beside me, curled within the S shape of my body as I sleep on my side, she's tight against my tummy. I sleep soundly until Dee wakes me in the morning. I have forty-five minutes before we leave to take Nathan to school she says.

So I dress carefully and quickly and do my makeup, mostly eyebrows, and lashes because mine are so fair, my face has no definition without enhancement. I have freckles too.

Downstairs I'm offered porridge and eggs. I just take the porridge and an apple and a cup of tea. They have something called Rooibos tea which Dee explains has many health benefits as well as being naturally caffeine free.

Dee, Nathan, and I get in the old Toyota SUV. I really have left my old life behind.

We drive to Lawrence along a quiet single-carriageway, tree-lined, with views of the river and occasional sightings of a lake. The trees are full and dense, deep and light greens, silver-colored leaves fluttering on willows along the lakeside, which Dee tells me is salix alba. I find a chill in the air that I would not expect back in Virginia at this time of year. We are surrounded by tree dad hills, known here as mountains, for this is the White Mountain National Forest area we are entering, where Jem is a senior ranger.

Dee who was relatively quiet yesterday, understandably as I'm Jem's relative and not hers, is full of chatter and is like a tour guide, pointing out features, tells me that the area is very like Scotland where so many of the immigrants came from in the nineteenth century. The mountains are of similar height, just shy of fifteen hundred meters. Where the forest has not been cleared for business or dwellings, it is thick and full of wildlife according to Nate, who is determined to be my guide. Moose, white-tailed dear, black bears, raccoons, foxes, and lynx as well as the bald eagle all live in the area, he says.

There are just a few dwellings along the road and Dee and Nate seem to know every person living here. We drive through Lawrence which has homely-looking shops and lots of white paint. We turn left and enter the school complex.

Nathan is out in second with a 'bye Mom' and catches up with some friends as they walk to school across the car park. It looks like a nice place under the early morning blue sky.

'So I better show you around. No need to shop as we are tripping to Boston Saturdee,' She says in her New Hampshire accent, 'but we'll just run up the valley and see the ski resort. It's not big, I can ski all the runs easy in the morning, but it's a great place to learn and it's pretty with the trees and all.'

She shows me around. 'Do you ski?' she asks. 'I never have.' Well, I'll teach you, Alyssa.' Do you mind me being here?'

`Lord no. Heck, I gotta kid, now Jem got a pretty daughter. Nope, it's all good and interesting. Now, I think we'll get on and it will be fun having a teen girl to shop with and talk to. Jem's not that good at discussing fashion and such. You may think I'm not either, in jeans and boots, but I brush up fine when I have a mind and with you around, I may just do that more. I'll probably be borrowing your clothes if you grow a bit.'

`I'm five-three, I'd like to be five-seven. Your taller than that aren't

you?'

`Five nine. So in one of your dresses, I would just show a bit more thigh.' She looks at me and laughs, and sticks an elbow in my ribs.

I laugh. I suddenly feel more at ease with her. Yesterday I wondered whether she would want to send me back, toss me back like an under-sized fish caught on a hook. Today I suddenly feel, yeah, it will all be OK. That remark was real girl to girl and it confirmed how she thinks of me.

I still feel terrible that I have turned my back on my family but in reality, they turned their back on me first a long time ago. Still, one's mom is always one's mom. She most probably carried the fetus , that is me for nine months, suckled, fed, cleaned, and clothed me, protected me and it's not a cord that is easily broken, the maternal bond. Yet I console myself while Dee chatters on, it was not I tested the strength of that bond but her, by denying me the treatment that I need to lead a happy life and by throwing me to the Brethren to practice a sort of witchcraft upon me. I need to retain that sense of injustice or I feel, I can never leave the awful past behind. For the last four years, I had been saying I should have been a girl and that terminated in the most appalling cruelty. I suddenly realize that my eyes are filled with tears.