I should have been a girl - Chapter 9

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I suddenly realize that my eyes are filled with tears We have come to a halt walking about the deserted ski complex where empty chairs hang under a canopy. A low cloud hangs over the mountain obscuring the tops and the early blue has disappeared. The deserted ski station seems a reflection of my life and suddenly the enormity of turning my back on Mom grips me in icy claws.

Dee is looking at me, first with a questioning look and then a realization.

`Hey Alyssa,' she says. She pulls me in and hugs me tight and brushes my hair away from my eyes and kisses my forehead. We stand like that for what seems like minutes and I openly blub.

`Come, let's go get a hot drink and you can tell me what goes on in your pretty little head.'

Pretty little head, a remark that would be made to a girl. I'm being treated as a girl. At last, I'm the person I want to be, reborn in upper New Hampshire to people that hardly know me.

She holds my hand tightly as we walk to the SIN and that is comforting too. I can't remember when Mom or Dad held my hand last. I mean boys, just don't get all that.

We drive back into Lawrence proper and enter a café. I choose hot chocolate and she has coffee.

`I guess we have more important things to think about than skiing, though that's pretty darned important to me all winter. I don't know much about trans people, don't know anything at all really, and I `spose, why would I? You gotta educate me, educate Jem a bit too, though he tells me last night in bed, he's read a bit because he has come across it before. Go on Alyssa, teach me.'

So I tell her what I know; what the scientists have said; what others dispute; about what happens in the womb; about each and every one of us on earth is different, even identical twins, sometimes both trans, sometimes, only one; about sexuality and gender being a continuum and not binary; and about my past life and the hell that had become and was getting worse; and lastly about my best friend Jenny and her brother Payton.

She asks about my family.

'Jem says your Mom was just a nice sister growing up, so was it your father changed her?'

'I don't know. I suppose. The church is his church, a sort of like a small I suppose sect, not like Baptist or even Amish, a few pastors scattered about Virginia, the Church of Deliverance. The leader is well respected, but they are old school, yet accepting of modern stuff like computers and motor cars and even TV, though they preach that is full of sin and I guess it is if you search for it.'

She reaches for my hand and holds it tight as she replies, 'Yeah but if you search for sin, you can always find it practically anywhere, in the Catholic Church, Episcopalian, Baptist, Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist, or even our church, Church of England. His church sounds weirder than some and pretty retro. So, I can see you had to run, but it's a big step and you are feeling homesick too. OK, so your parents now know where you are and I hope Jem has frightened them off. This evening, you better phone your good friend Jenn and have a long chat. Damn,' she says as her phone buzzes and moves across the Formica table. 'Oh Jem, what's he want?'

'Yeah, Jem. Yeah OK, we are hanging in the Coffee Pot, getting to know each other. Oh, twelve. Yeah, we'll be there. No that's fine, I'll take her. Sure, you got work. OK.'

She puts the phone in her pocket. `So off to see the doc at twelve. Doc Jessop is a fine man, and a good doctor and Jem has primed him. You can do this?'

'Oh, I think I'm getting used to being out.'

`Well if you need this T blocker thing, then I guess you have to go through whatever.'

`That's going to be my future, going through trial after trial, baring my soul, being examined, swallowing pills, and having elective surgery. All stuff I have to do, just to be happy.'

'I guess it won't be an easy ride. No green run for you darlin', you are going down the double black diamond.'

I realize she is comparing my life to skiing, green being the easy way, double black being the hardest. We walk around the shops and she introduces me to a few shopkeepers, always saying Alyssa, and she and her and I feel so secure. It's like the best dream and my tears of earlier have departed. This summer day is chill with a northerly wind blowing out of Labrador but the sky is bright again, the low cloud is blown away and the sun, when we turn corners out of the wind, has warmth. She holds my hand like a mom and daughter might. I think I'm going to be OK. She's much nicer than I thought yesterday when she seemed a bit casual and offhand, not really interested. Today she has been like a real mom to me.

'We lost one dawg two weeks ago, old age caught up with her, then the other yesterday. So today, we get to choose a new pup. When Nathan gets outta school we'll go and choose. I'm thinkin', you should have one each. What do you think?'

`What a dog of my own?'

'If you want. It's not a must, only if you want but you know you will have to walk it and that means clean up after it and that's morning and night.'

`What sort of dog?'

`What sort do you like? We ordered a Lab, picked out already, but I guess you could have something else, something girlie I daresay, but not a handbag dog. Miss Sims at the pets will know what's going on and what's reliable. After the Do; we can do lunch and look at dogs or you can stick with the cat on your bed.'

'I'd love a cock-a-poo. Something like that.'

`Well, that's pretty girlie. We'll see what's around. Now we gotta go to Doc's.' She squeezes my hand and bends quickly and kisses my forehead.

`Thank you, Dee. I love you.' I say before I have even thought about what I'm saying.

`Bless you. You were a shock but now I see it's a good thing you turning up, a very good thing. I love you too honey.'

We enter the Doc's, his brass plate beside the door of the white-painted two-story dwelling. It has a large annex added to the left hand, which I guess is the surgery.

We enter and walk left and into a sunny waiting room where we find a lady sitting behind the desk. Two other people sit there, a man with a bandaged wrist and a woman with a young baby in a stroller. Dee pushes me to the desk. 'Say who you are.'

`Alyssa Lindsay. You may have Cantrell but I want to change that to Lindsay.'

'OK. I got Cantrell, so that will do for now. Take a seat and fill in this form which I have marked with crosses and you both need to sign at the bottom. One ahead of you.'

We sit and fill out the form. When that's done we find magazines to read. A nurse collects the bandaged wrist and then an old man exits. After a few minutes, the woman and stroller are called, and she takes the child leaving the stroller.

The young woman seems to be an age. Eventually, she emerges. We wait still. Then the door opens and the nurse invites us in.

'You want me in there?' Dee asks.

'Yes. No secrets Dee.'

We follow the nurse, Dee's hand on my back. I see the Doc beside his desk and not behind it. He looks at the computer.

'OK. You are Alyssa Cantrell?' He smiles questioningly.

'Yes,' I say, almost tongue-tied. 'A pretty girl but you're really a boy?' 'Yes.' 'Well we don't need to refer to that again, but I have to deal with realities here.' I think this is all going wrong already. Shit. Have I been led up the wrong path, given false hopes? I'm all ready to run or argue.

'That's painful is it, admitting you are biologically a boy?'

'Yes. I hate it, hate being a boy, I thought I was coming here to have treatment to prevent going through male puberty. If not, then I want to get out of here.' I'm quite agitated.

`Rest easy. I have to deal with realities and I can see that being a boy is really painful. You have already run away once, so that tells me how desperate you are to be the person your brain tells you to be. I have to know how much, that it's not a whim. I can see it isn't.'

He sits and says nothing, just staring and I'm so frightened. The nurse sits impassively but she gives me a small smile.

`Dealing with realities, we don't always know what the reality is, do we? A girl may come in looking like a girl, yet she could be a lumberjack or a mechanic, jobs we usually think are for men, or a nurse could be a man. This World becomes less binary by the day. Now I have to do something that will upset you because I do have to deal with realities. Would you go behind the screen and I need to see your genitalia, dealing with realities. Please?'

I go behind the screen and he and the nurse follow. I lower my panties and hold my skirt up and he takes a quick look. 'OK Alyssa, when you're ready, back to your seat.'

I straighten my clothing and try to recover some composure. I return and sit by Dee who takes my hand. 'Be brave.' She says.

'Yes Alyssa, be brave and I know you are already, just coming here to your Uncle and then to me. So the reality is, you are a perfectly formed biological male. That doesn't alter the fact that' he reaches forward and taps my forehead gently, 'in there, there's a girl wishing she had a girl's body. Well, we now have the technology to try to make the body match the brain. Doctors have tried the other way around, but that proved impossible. The wiring of the brain is too complex to be changed. The body however can be altered, so far not perfectly, to be one gender or another with drugs and surgery, but I guess you know all about that. It's all you have thought about for how long?'

'Since I was, oh gosh, since I remember and has just got stronger as I got older, I got more and more desperate.'

'A long time then.' He makes some notes. 'I will refer you to a therapist who will assess you for cross-hormone treatment, in your case, that will be estrogen. In the meantime, having done my homework after Jem phoned me very late last night, damn him, I will give you a prescription for tablets of spironolactone. Drink plenty and use salt because this will reduce the salt in your system. That should stop that nasty testosterone from making you a man and altering your voice and body. I'll get you an appointment with a therapist but it means the Boston area. Would you like to see a man or a woman?'

`A woman I think, no disrespect.'

`None taken. I'd like to see you once a month until I'm satisfied you are happy. OK. Thanks for coming and putting up with a man.' He smiles. He holds out a hand and I shake it.

'Thanks, Doc.' I say. 'Thank you, Doctor,' says Dee and we are out of there. 'I guess the first stop is the pharmacy?' 'You guess right Dee please.'

You are going to be happy there?'

`Yes, well it can't be bad, I have already seen the doctor and have T blockers. The Doctor is sending me to a therapist too. Everyone has been so kind and it's nice here, colder but nice, homely. Best of all, I'm a girl and we are doing shopping for more girl stuff in Boston tomorrow and seeing a therapist.'

What about your parents?'

I tell her about Jem's conversation with Mom. Thinking about it and 3 Highlighters talking about it, I don't even break down.

You sound content, not homesick at all?'

`Oh, I think I will have many times in the future when I'm really sad and down, but at the moment, I'm so up and still so angry at Mom, I can't spill any more tears. I already cried this morning once, which was a mixture of missing Mom, homesickness, and someone being really kind, completely messing with my emotions. I miss you, Jenn. Perhaps you could come to ski or spend time in the summer. I'd really like it if you could. Dee is a ski instructor and I'm getting a dog and we have a cat that sleeps on my bed.'

`I'd love to come up. We'll have to plan when. I'm so glad you're now the person you have to be but I miss you.'

am the person I need to be but there's a long painful journey ahead. I really miss you, Jenn. Promise we will keep in touch?'

Of course. Alyssa, Your Mom came around. She accused me of helping you. She was really mad. In the end, Dad took her firmly by the hand to her car. Then Dad and Mom had a go at me, it was like I was in the dock. I just said you were your own person, you had spoken about it and dropped hints but I didn't know your plans.'

Sorry. Are you parents all right now?'

`Sure, it was just they knew how close we were and the time we spent alone together and I think they felt that they too were guilty, for allowing us so much time unsupervised. I did point out that we are not kids anymore, then I told them about the Brethren and they said, well if I had helped, then I had done the right thing. My sister came home from Washington and thought it a hoot, though she thought you'd had a raw deal, a dreadful ordeal, and the Brethren should be in jail along with your parents.'

`I wouldn't want that. I think they are suffering enough.'

You said you hated them.'

`I know and if I was there with them, I would hate them. From this distance and happy as I am at the moment, I don't want to harm them. Anyway, different subject, I have my T blockers, so hope I won't get facial hair or a male voice. That's what I hope above all.'

`I'm so glad for you Alyssa. Several people have asked after you. What do you want me to tell them?'

`Just that I have gone to live with Uncle because I didn't get on with my parents.'

Miss Tremaison asked what had happened. Can I tell her?'

`Yes, she was really kind and concerned. I think I'll write her a letter too, but please tell her, I'm safe and happy. I better go, Jenn, We are going to see someone about a puppy.'

A puppy?'

Well their last dog has died. Dee has asked if I would like a dog and I think I would, a cock-a-poo.'

'A girlie dog, girlfriend.'

That's what Dee said. I just must be a girl then. Jenn, I have to go. Bye for now.'

We go to fetch the new puppy which of course will be Nathan's quite rightly and I hope they will become inseparable buddies. Nathan tells me that he wants to be a Ranger like his dad when he grows up. This is his world; this patch of unspoiled America and Nathan has no wish to see more of the outside World. He shows no interest in anything except the immediate area and its diversions, backpacking, hiking and skiing, and the flora and fauna.'

We collect Nathan from school, the school that I will also attend, and drive to the home of the Labrador puppy. Nathan is away to the front door as soon as the truck stops and we follow. I notice that Dee never locks the SUV. In this area, everyone seems to know everyone else, and she tells me, no one bothers. The only thing they do, is a lock at night, just in case drifters or city boys come by.

We enter the house when a small woman, tiny, with real elfin features and dark hair, opens the door. She does look quite foreign and in this very predominantly white area, I would have said, stands out from the fair-skinned locals. She speaks American, New Hampshire version, just like the rest and I can't try to reproduce it, as I did when I first met Dee. I have sort of gotten used to that already.

We go through to the back and there in a large basket, we find Jess, the Labrador mom, and her three remaining pups, the other six having already gone.

They are absolutely adorable and I'm straight on my knees and tickling their turns and they are romping about in response. They are so cute, all gold, and well nearly white, like cream, with silky soft and floppy ears. Mom rolls more onto her back and shows her swollen tits and wags her tail, then rises back up and nuzzles us and the pups. She seems as excited with them as we are and she is undoubtedly a good mom.

I'm introduced as a niece from Virginia, who come to live in Winshipton, and in between being occupied with the lively and engaging pups, I notice looks between the two women. First, I think things have been said behind my back and then I feel insecure as though this lady, who is named Chepi, knows my history already.

`Alyssa come and meet Chepi.' Dee says and I rise and shake her

hand.

You think you'll like it up here after Virginia?' Chepi asks and she just talks American like all the rest around here. She reaches out and smooths my hair as if that is the most natural thing, and I warm to her. It's a real gesture of acceptance and affection.

`Yes, I'm sure I will.'

`You're a pretty girl, ' Chepi says.

`Where are you from?' I ask, stupidly and realize I have been rude in asking. 'I mean sorry, everyone seems so blonde around here and you have lovely dark eyes.' I try to repair the damage.'

`Chepi is Native American, from the Algonquins.'

`That's why I feel your hair, make good scalp.' Chepi laughs, talking like a film Indian and I blush beetroot red.

I'm so stupid,' I say. 'Please forgive me.'

Of course, I do. Dee says you want a Cock-a-poo. If I hear of one I'll let you know but you need to be very careful because there are many bad dealers out there. I'm sure Dee will check them out though.'

Oh yes, that's if you are still dead set?'

`Shall we wait while I settle in? Maybe I should just cuddle the cat.'

That is sensible and there's no rush. You still want to be here though?'

`Oh, you bet. I can't go back. I don't want to go back.' `Alyssa had problems with her parents, didn't you Alyssa?' `Yes. I ran away.' And you don't want to go back?' Oh no, that wouldn't do.' Well, I hope you'll be happy here.'

We have a drink, and fruit juice for Nathan and I, and the ladies have tea. Then we put the puppy in the cage on the seat by Nathan in the back and go home.

When we get near the house, I see a car parked outside. 'That's Dad's car,' I say in dismay. 'Please don't let them take me back.'

`Head down, out of sight,' Dee says and we drive on by. `I'm taking you back to Chepi and then we better see what's going on and I'll phone Jeremiah. We never thought they would do this.'