I should have been a girl - Chapter 10

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So I'm taken back to Chepi and left there after the two women had enjoyed a short conversation.

She sits me down and switches on the TV and hands me the remote. I flick through channels but I can't watch any of it I'm so distracted.

Chepi comes and sits. 'You really don't want to go back, do you?' 'No. They won't let me be who I am.' 'Do you want to talk about it?' 'Not really, too personal and you might not approve.' 'I don't think anything shocks me. If you want to talk, it would be between us.' 'Thank you. You're kind. I was so rude before. I'm sorry.'

'You apologized once, that is more than enough, and you weren't very rude. I do have Native American looks.'

I kneel and pet the two remaining puppies and their mom and the little ones immediately start gambling about. I know Chepi is watching me. I look up straight into her dark eyes.

'My parents have come after me. I won't go with them and I'm frightened they will try to make me.'

'So, what happened? Something made you run and serious or Jem would not be supporting you.'

'I wanted to transition.' 'What's that? Change school or something?' 'No, it changes gender.' I watch as she grapples with that.

You mean 9 You were a boy?' Yes, Ma'am.' Not ma'am, Chepi. It's Algonquin for a fairy. So when you ran, you were a boy and you changed when?'

On the journey.'

And this is how you are going to be?'

`Yes, always. Mom and Dad wouldn't let me and their church said I was possessed by a devil or the Devil and tried to beat it out of me.'

`I would not have known.'

`Thank you.'

You are just like a girl, naturally, not affected, not effeminate. Poor kid. In the Native Americans in the past, it was a known thing, usually women being men because it was easier that way round. A woman who could ride and shoot with a bow could bind her breasts and look brave. They were called two-spirit people. A few men went the other way, not so easy, but they were accepted. Therefore, I'm not shocked. No wonder you ran away. Jem won't send you back, I know that he's solid, about the most solid person I know.'

`I hope he won't.'

The door is knocked and I hear Jem's voice, he comes into the kitchen. Chepi has risen from her kitchen stool and they kiss cheeks.

'Thank you for looking after her. We have to go to see her parents. Don't look so afraid Alyssa, you are not going back if you don't want to. They just need to hear that from you and they have a lawyer with them.'

You promise me Uncle, or I'll run now.'

'I promise. I have a lawyer coming too, Mr Johnson. They feel like playing rough, I can be rougher. I won't let you down. Say bye to Chepi.'

'Bye Chepi, thank you for having me.'

'I'll see you again.' She replies. We kiss cheeks and Jem walks me to the car his hand on my shoulder.

'Thanks, Uncle. I thought they had given me up.'

'Me too. In the truck with you.' I get in and he slams the door. We belt up and take off. 'Do you want to comb your hair or something?' them.'

'I'd like to go up to my room and do my makeup Jem before I see 'You want to hurt?'

'Yes, uncle. I'm sorry but I do. I want to be very girlie, show them.'

'Well, I can't blame you there and you should look totally girl, not an apology. Look your best. OK. You go in the back and I'll go in the front. Give me a couple of minutes and then scamper upstairs and do what a girl gotta do.'

When we arrive, I find there are three cars already there, Dees and Dad's and another. 'Lawyer Johnson is here, that's good. Now I want to see you get what you want, not duty to your parents or any such emotional blackmail. They did their best to fuck you up, excuse my language but I don't have words for what they did to you, baby.'

I get out of the SUV and walk around back. I can hear voices, the front door slams and that is Jem in the house. I wait thirty seconds and open the backdoor real quietly. I hear Mom's voice, high-pitched above the rumble of male voices, 'Where is he, what have you done with our son?' I hear Jake make a reply, a dull rumble but firm but the male voices in there don't carry. I hear Dee say, 'She will be here in a minute.'

Therefore, I tiptoe past the closed door of the family room and climb the staircase like a thief. I enter my room and sit at my dressing table. I change into my dress, my one and only at the moment, but it's more girlie even than the mini skirt. I put tights on and my best shoes. I redo my makeup and use a subtle pinkie-red lipstick. I do eyebrows and lashes and eyeliner. I would really like to start over but in the low lighting of the family room, I guess I will look good enough. I brush and comb my hair and tease it into a nice girly wave. One last look in the mirror. I'm not too bad. Not boy anyway. My blue nails complement this dress.

I take some deep breaths. I walk the stairs, not trying to be quiet, so they know I'm coming. Just to tease I walk the hallway to the kitchen, take a glass and swallow water. I blot my lips with a kitchen towel and throw that noisily into the bin. There seems absolute silence from the family room. I wonder what Nathan thinks of all this? He's a bit young to witness a family at war. I hope he's elsewhere.

I take three long in-and-out breaths. I walk to the door and open it. They all sit around looking so uncomfortable. There is no seat for me and one of the two strange men rises to give me his seat. I wave to him to sit. No one has spoken, Dad looks aghast. Mom bursts into tears, she holds out her arms as if to embrace me but I ignore them and sit on the arm of Dee's chair.

'Look at you,' Dad says. 'How can you do this to us?'

'How could you send me to the Pastorium to be beaten black and blue.' I raise the sleeve of my dress where my flesh is still yellow from the bruising. 'That's after nearly two weeks. I could prosecute for child cruelty. You could go to jail. As it is father, you will surely go to hell.'

`Craig!' Mom says as if reprimanding my harshness.

'Mom that's what he has said to me often enough. It's nice to say it back. I would like to send him to have the wickedness beaten out of him but doubt it would help. And Mom, my name is Alyssa.'

`Craig! Please, darling, come home with us.' Mom pleads with tearful eyes.

`Alyssa, my name is Alyssa. You can't even get that right. From now on Mom, I don't answer to Craig. It's a horrid name anyway.' I can see that even saying that causes Mom pain. 'If I come back with you, you would still treat me as a boy, burn my girl things, perhaps have me beaten again. Oh yes, that would really be something to look forward to, something to live for. You had your chances. I begged you for four years at least, to be a girl and you were just horrible or totally ignored me, didn't speak to me, wouldn't listen, wouldn't try to understand, you were so wrapped in his, my Dad's, fake religious beliefs. What makes you think I would want any of that? What makes you think I ever want to see you again Mom?'

`Don't speak to us like that.' Dad says abruptly.

`What are you going to do Dad? Have me beaten again, perhaps beat me yourself this time? I hate you, you most of all. If I could divorce myself from you I would.'

Jeremiah speaks, the deep rumble of his huge frame clear in the silence left after my speech and mother's pleading.

`She has the right to say how she feels and she feels hurt, betrayed. She is the subject of child cruelty and you my sister, allowed that cruelty. Now what I told this girl, for that is how she wishes to be known and we are fine with that, is that we, Dee and I will treat her as she wishes to be treated. She is medicated to cancel out male puberty. That means her physical state as far as secondary sex characteristics are concerned is in abeyance. We have been referred to a qualified gender therapist who will examine her and decide whether she is a genuine transgender person. She is I believe what the Native Americans referred to as two-spirit, transgender. The clothes she wears are hers; she bought them before she arrived here.

She traveled here as a girl, hitched out of Pantonsville, train to New York, and was brought to us by a rich lady in a limo. She! She was a lucky girl to meet a nice person on the train, I say girl, because that is how she is happy and as we have observed in the short time she has been here, happy as a girl and exhibiting all the qualities one would expect in a girl rather than a boy.

No John, brother-in-law, don't interrupt me or I would have to sling you out of my house. You will get your chance, though God knows, I think you had your chance already.

This girl, Alyssa as she wishes to be known, she fears returning to her home because of the cruelty she suffered at the hands of the Church you belong to and the treatment that you denied her. I as her uncle and my partner Dee, we will undertake to give her a home, adopt her if that's possible or when it's possible, love and cherish her.'

That's my promise to her and to you. Now, Alyssa, it is your choice.'

`I won't go back. If not physical cruelty, they treated me with mental cruelty, refusing to treat me according to my gender, and how I am in my brain, but just considered the physical, that I have a boy body. As I have tried explaining to Mom, it is what is in the important head, not what is between one's legs, not penis or dit. That is all I have to say, except, if I was forced to go back with them, I would run away again, right back here. I would rather be dead than live with them.'

She is legally the child, a minor, the son of Mr and Mrs Cantrell. She should obey them and return home.' Their lawyer says rather lamely, ignoring all I have said, trying to bring it down to just a matter of the law.

Lawyer Johnson says, That she is a minor and your child, really has little bearing on this situation. Craig, now calling herself, Alyssa and who I understand wishes to have a new family name, Lindsay, has rejected her natural family due to their failure to recognize her medical needs and have resorted to what can only be considered cruelty towards their own child in a false, vain attempt to force her to become a young man. That concept, that vision of her future, she regards with horror. She displays all the traits of a young woman and, even denies her that life would be mental cruelty. Now we can spend a lot of money fighting this through the courts. In the end, I envisage that she will win and, you, her parents, might possibly end up in jail together with the so-called Brethren. That would do no one any good.

'I suggest I draw up an agreement for her parents to sign, assigning parental rights to her uncle. I suggest too, that the legal parents pay her uncle one hundred dollars per week towards her upkeep. In return, I think Alyssa, formerly Craig should write her mother once a week confirming that she is well and happy if that be the case; giving news of her schooling, progress re-medication, treatment, etc., and that in reply, Alyssa should receive letters properly addressed in her chosen gender, she, her, Alyssa for example, giving news of home. I shall oppose visiting rights unless Alyssa wishes for them.'

We can't agree to that.' Dad says. Then we'll see you in court.' Lawyer Johnson says firmly. 'I need to consult with my clients,' Dad's lawyer says. 'Perhaps you would like to have coffee? We can go to the kitchen while you confer.' Jem says.

So Jem and Dee and lawyer Johnson, usher me into the kitchen. Dee makes coffee and prepares some sandwiches. That takes time and there is no movement and we hear little from the dosed door of the family room. We sit at the kitchen table while Dee takes sandwiches and coffee through to the lounge. I trot through with side plates and mugs. Mom tries to grab my hand and temporally has it in her fingers. I leave my hand there momentarily, then retract it and look her in the eyes. I see sorrow and loss, but that is not enough. I need to see regret and unconditional love and I don't see that at all.

I turn and leave, returning to the sanctuary of the kitchen. When we are all together, I say, 'Thank you all for your support, you have been so brilliant.'

'It's all up to you, Alyssa, what do you want? Tell us, so there's no mistake.' Dee says.

'I want to stay in these cold northern dimes where the hearts are warm and I can be happy. I can't go back there, to them, to Dad nor to Mom who seems completely under his influence.'

'Then that's that. We played hardball in there Jem.' Lawyer Johnson says. 'I think they'll cave, though they may negotiate on the hundred dollars.'

After twenty minutes their lawyer emerges. 'We agree to your terms. There was some dispute about the monetary keep but Mrs Cantrell won the day and they will pay. If you draw up an agreement on those lines and send it to me,' he produces a card, 'then we'll get it signed.'

My parents emerge. Jem ushers them to the front door. I follow. 'Bye Mom,' I say and she turns. Her face is contorted. I go to her and we embrace. I know I'm stiff, holding myself like a board against her softness. I kiss her cheek.

'You do look pretty,' she says. 'May God help you!'

'Amen, Mom. Bye.' I ignore Dad.

The next day Jem takes me to school. The Head is a nice lady. She lays down the rules of the school and I have no arguments at all with what they are, for they are the normal, no bullying, neat and respectable dress and there is a page of what is allowed for school wear, no piercing, no splits in clothing, no underwear showing, skirt no more than four inches above the knee, all that sort of thing and I'm thinking already, five inches and no one will know. Will they take a ruler and actually measure the amount of thigh?

I'm shown around the school and I'm told one of the girls will be my companion for the first week, showing me the ropes. I immediately think of my dear Jenn. I wish she could be here. I have to abide by some rules because I'm transgender. I have to use the staff loos and bathroom. I'm excused gym, but have to run instead and I can't swim, for obvious reasons. Otherwise, I'm perfectly normal. Perfectly abnormal I think. So today being Friday, I start Monday.

On the way home Jem says, 'Boston tomorrow. Doc found a counselor to see you, so we gotta start early. Dee says, you and she that is, gotta shop, you haven't near half the clothes and stuff, all that girl paraphernalia you need. Nathan and I will do some sightseeing. Are you OK after yesterday?'

'Yes it was upsetting but I was quite angry, and that helped really. I hate Dad but I think Mom just goes along with what he says.'

Your Mom was never a strong personality, even in her teen years. I didn't like what I did, but It was necessary. You'll be happy with us here?'

`I'm being me, aren't I? That means everything. I couldn't have gone on Uncle. I mean it had come to a point where I was, Uncle I'm sorry  I stop because my emotions are so high, I'm all screwed up inside.

He stops the SUV and pulls into a forest track. He stops the engine and reaches out and pulls me to him. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead and my whole body is taut. We stay that way and I see fine rain dot the windscreen and gradually the drops gain in size and then trickle into tiny streams running down the screen in imitation of the tears on my cheeks.

'Can you talk now? You seemed so together, so strong.'

I dry my tears with a tissue. I pull in a deep chugging breath. 'Uncle I was self-harming. Before the Brethren, I was considering suicide and I know that's so wrong but I felt there was nowhere to go and I couldn't face becoming more male, you know, with puberty and what that does. Then the Brethren, I was so hurt at first that Mom and Dad could let them do that and then I was so angry, like before that, I couldn't picture life without them although they didn't let me be who I really am. After I got so angry and hated Mom and Dad, I just wanted to get away, and then I remembered how kind you'd been at Hannah's wedding. I said to Jenny, I was going to come to you and she said it was risky because you might not take me in, and then where would I go. I was so desperate I didn't much care, just I had to get away from them. Since I became Alyssa, I haven't harmed myself. I won't again.' I'm talking and it's all jumbled up and I'm a mess, almost incoherent.

'Show me.'

I roll up my left sleeve and show the shallow scarring from the needle I'd used.

'That's a bit of a mess Alyssa.'

'I know. I'm not doing it now. It was, it's hard to explain why I did it. I just did, I suppose because I hated being Craig; I hated being a boy, living as a boy with the expectations of me that I was a boy who would grow up to be a man. Now I can think sanely, it was hatred of my whole boy existence from the name Craig to my underwear and clothes, how I was treated, what was expected of me, and just nearly everything in my life.'

'Well, you're safe here. You're gonna have to talk about all this tomorrow, so don't hold back. If you need to cry, you cry.'

"Oh Uncle Jem,' I sobbed as I had never sobbed before and he dragged me across the center console until I sat on his knees. He just rocks me back and forth, for I don't know how long. Eventually, I take great long halting breaths and settle down. I slide back to my seat, assisted by his strong arm.

'Ready to go home, Alyssa?'

'Yes, uncle. I just hope my life will not always be this hard. It was bad enough running away from them, but last night, although I was strong at the time, it's all come to drive me down today. Dad, well I'm really not that bothered but Mom? She was different. I think she really loved me and I loved her even though they wouldn't let me be Alyssa. Up until she took me to the Brethren, I trusted her as anyone trusts their mom. She broke that trust, Uncle.' I start to sob again, first a low gasp and then a shriek. I bury my head in Jem's chest and sob as never before.

The rain is now drumming on the roof and screen of the car. Jem starts the engine and the wipers clear the screen. My sobs subside again.

'Shall we go home?' Jem asks. 'I think I need to put you to bed and call Doc Jessop and get him to give you a sleeping pill. You need a really long night and we got Boston tomorrow. Can you do that?'

'Yes, uncle. That's the road to the future.'

We get home and then Dee arrives from school with Nathan. I go into the family room and watch some nonsense on TV. Nathan nonchalantly throws himself beside me, seizes the control, and changes to 'Doubt'.

'My guilty pleasure,' he says, 'it's about a transgender.'

`Transgender is not a noun,' I say miserably, 'It's a state of being or an adjective, as in transgender person.'

`Just trying to be nice.' I look at this boy who has hardly said two words to me before this. `Yes, I'm sorry Nathan, just I'm not very happy today.'

`That's why I'm being nice. Mom told me everything, explained everything about how you got to be as you are, like why you're trans and that it's like a handicap you're born with. I don't mind you coming to live with us, I mean it's better than just being three and you'll be a good sister, I'm sure.'

`Thanks, Nathan, I'll try and be a good big sister.'

'I can teach you about the forest and all the animals we've got here and Mom and I will teach you skiing in the winter, well about four months from now we usually get enough snow. Mom's a real good teacher and Dad knows everything about the forest.'

We watch TV and sort of cuddle up together. The puppy is in the kitchen and I can hear the murmur of Jem's and Dee's voices. I wonder if he's telling her about my breakdown. I can't concentrate on the drama on TV, there's more than enough here. I can't bear being talked about, I'm so insecure.

I free myself from little bro and go into the kitchen. They stop their chat and both turn their heads and smile and I wonder whether they had been discussing whether to send me back or to a psych or what?

`How are you now?' Dee asks. 'Oh, Jem told you.'

`Well, we try not to have secrets in this house, even from Nathan. I explained to him. Has he spoken about it?'

'He seems fine, thinks I'll be a good sister. I'm just embarrassed about this afternoon and my breakdown. I'm sure you don't want a psycho in your household.'

'Psycho? Oh, you assumed we were talking about you.' Dee says. 'Well in a way we were, because we were planning tomorrow's trip. It's two hours to Boston, and your appointment is at 10.45, so we leave here at eight. And whatever is said tomorrow young lady, you are staying with us, so perhaps that will make you feel more secure. Now you and me, I need to say a few things, get them out there so we are fine with each other.' She looks at me in between making dinner, watching the pots don't boil over, adjusting the burners and she checks the oven.

'It was like a shock when you turned up and I thought what the hell. Then I saw your pain and somehow, I got it, got what you must have been going through, let alone how your dreadful father is and what those people did to you in the Lord's name. Unforgivable and no wonder you ran. I've seen you now for two days and you're a nice kid and, considering all you endured, you are sane. I really admired yesterday, how you spoke up.

'So today, you're miserable. I understand that darling. It's like you have been reborn as this girl. Like birth, it must be a painful process, more painful for you because a baby emerges with just basic needs, mostly unthinking. You on the other hand were a boy, by all accounts a rather inef-fective boy on Tuesday and a runaway fourteen-year-old girl on Wednesday. That must have taken some nerve. I understand why you did what you have. I accept that you feel feminine and you look, luckily for you, like a girl. You got this spiro stuff to stop the male hormones. Good. I guess you can't wait to get estrogen or whatever, like every teen girl, but as Jem has told me, sixteen when you get that. So the rebirth, the tears, parting from old surroundings, and being in a new family, it's bound to be hard. Going to a new school, and making new friends, it's bound to be a tough kid. We believe in you, don't we Jem?'

'Sure. I think, considering all that happened, you've been damn tough. We've got nothing but admiration and love here and with God's help, you're gonna be a real success. You will get kids at school who give you shit. You will have to rise above it, and ignore most of it if you can. Maybe you can explain to the kids. Maybe with downloads from programs on trans that explain what goes on and why you are you. You have a home here and we gonna do our best. We need you to work hard, and be nice around us, but you will have your moments and we understand that. You need to think about how we feel too. OK group hug. Nathan get in here.'

Nathan comes into the kitchen and we group, a family hug. I reach up and kiss Jem and then Dee and give Nathan a real big hug and a kiss on the forehead.

The morning dawns and we are called before seven. I beat Nathan to our bathroom and shower and shave my legs and underarms with the razor Dee has provided. That in itself, although I was not very hairy, was such a feminine thing to do. I love doing it, my first female shave.

I moisturize and make my face, remembering Dee's advice not to go over the top. I dress in my one and only dress, and as it still looks miserable outside, I put my one and only pair of tights on. That and my parka will be what I wear with my three-inch block heels on this cold summer day. I'm beginning to wonder whether I will ever find nice weather up here in the North.

We have breakfast and Nathan watches me. I look at him quizzically.

'Just wondering how you are today?'

'I'm fine, excited and apprehensive like I'm going to see a football match and I have to make the first kick. It's an exciting thing to do but if I got it wrong, everyone would laugh. I have to talk to a lady and persuade her that I should be, well, you know, as I am now. I'm so scared she will say, Dad, you have to be a boy. If that happened I don't know how I would manage to carry on.'

Nathan says. 'I can see that's difficult. I don't think you have to be afraid though, I mean you are so girl. I don't know how you can be so girly. Wait till I get you on the ski slopes, I'll toughen you up. You can be a girl and be physical, you know, like my Mom.'

`Bless you, Nathan. You're a good brother.'

`Yeah well. Just as you are new to the girl business, I'm new to the brother business. We'll both make mistakes and I won't be nice all the time.'

You have your Mom's wisdom, Nathan.'

`Come on kids, let's go. Alyssa, you have five boy minutes to get ready and be down and in the car.

`Yes Mom,' I say, and then I think, Mom, and why not.