I should have been a girl - Chapter 11

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We make the journey south under grey oppressive cloud but before nine the sun emerges and the skies clear. Sunlight flickers through the trees on our left side and Jem complains about the flickering light and shoots the sun visor around from screen to door.

Gradually the land of white-painted houses, lakes, pools and forest gives way to open land and we are on a three-lane expressway with lots of traffic. We drive into the heart of Boston and the boys get out. Dee takes the wheel and we find our way to a house in the suburbs. We park against the sidewalk. Dee leads me by the hand and we ring the doorbell. It's opened by quite an old lady and I fear the worst and I know that's prejudice. She shows us into a room and we sit and there are magazines on the table and toys for little kids.

The house seems absolutely quiet, so quiet that I whisper to Dee that the magazines are so grown up, like Vogue and Autocar and Golf. 'Why are you whispering?' She asks.

'I don't know,' I whisper back and then giggle.

'That's a good sound. I like to hear you laugh and giggle.'

I look at the pictures in Vogue and wish I was one of those models, tall, beautiful, slim limbed and beautifully dressed. I know I never will be like them. I know I will never have a baby, not unless there are real advances in medical science. I pick up American Journal of Medicine and flick through the articles looking for things about trans and it jumps out the page, about a mother giving her daughter her womb and it was such a wonderful thing.

'Dee,' I say, 'can I ask something really personal.' 'Of course,' 'When you've finished with your womb, do you think I can have it.'

She bursts out laughing. 'That is about the most unexpected ques-tion in the World. What on earth?'

`Well I don't have one. If I did, I could have a baby. It would have to be a caesarean birth, but at least I could be pregnant.'

'I doubt it would be as easy as that, in fact not easy at all. If they say it can be done and at the right time for us both, then I will give it to you. Really?'

`Yes, if it was possible. It says here, a mom has given her daughter her womb because the daughter was born without,'

The door opens and a younger woman stands there. `Alyssa?'

`Yes,' I say. Dee follows and we go in and this lady asks us to sit. The name on the desk says Barbara Lambert.

'I'm Barbara and you are Alyssa Cantrell. Is this your Mom?'

'No my Auntie, but I call her Dee.'

'I know nothing about you, this meeting was only set up yesterday by Doctor Jessop who happens to be a family friend. So tell me everything up to when you came here.'

I spend three quarters of an hour reciting my history and of my escape from the family and my wishes to be regarded as a girl from well, as long as I can really remember.

'I never really thought of myself as a boy.'

`You are fourteen and,' she peers at her notes. 'Fourteen just. Your voice hasn't broken which is good.

You are on spironolactone from yester-day so hopefully secondary sex characteristics won't appear. We won't give estrogen until sixteen so if you want breasts and most do, then there are things you can buy to give the appearance of breasts under a garment. I would suggest not too large. After what has happened in the last few days, you are surprisingly happy and calm.'

`I had a sort of breakdown yesterday, a reaction after Mom and Dad's visit. I do want my Mom to love me. Dad? Well I don't know. Religion comes first and his Church is very old fashioned.'

`Are you religious?'

`I think I believe in God, I certainly believe in Jesus. That's all I have to say. Does that make a difference?'

`No, not at all. After your painful experiences in your church I won-dered. Doctor Jessop mentioned self-harming. Are you?'

`I was.' I pull up my sleeve. The numerous scars are visible. I hope they'll fade.

You say was? Does that mean not now?'

Actually after the Brethren did what they did, that was the last time. When I formed my escape plan and shopped for clothes, I didn't feel the need anymore. I think that's all in the past, I mean even though I'm just wearing girl clothes, I feel so much happier.'

`Is it just the clothes that make you happier?'

'No, its being treated as a girl, people reacting to me as they would to a girl. I feel free, like before I felt I was in chains.

`Well you seem happy in spite of a horrendous week. You must have endured dreadful mental tension and yet you come here today and present as a happy young lady in a pretty dress. Did you pick that or was it your friend Jenny?'

'I picked it. I saw it at the last minute and just had to have it.' I giggle.

Well, that's being a girl all right. I'd like to see you in a month, then perhaps less frequently if you're happy. Thank you for coming Alyssa and Dee. See my secretary on the way out and make an appointment for a month's time. Now there is one more big thing to consider. At school, it will soon be known that you are different. The staff loo, excused games, and gym. These kids put two and two together and if they don't, they make it up to five, like you have a third boob or something. Please consider coming out, perhaps explaining to your class. On my website, there are a few downloadable DVDs that could assist in explaining. I would suggest the science-based ones rather than the talking heads of other trans. What do you think?'

`I need to think about that. School on Monday, I guess that doesn't leave me much time.'

`Perhaps your first week, then you either come out or try and maintain a stiff-lipped excuse for your being different.'

`Yes. From what I read, no one likes being out. I mean a trans woman just wants to pass as a woman and the same with a trans man.' I say. 'If it was a false leg or something, kids could understand. Being gender different is quite another thing. I will be marked for the rest of my time at school.'

`Perhaps the other children will surprise you. I have seen it before when you supply the science, people swallow the difference.'

'Is it my decision?'

Dee takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. 'Entirely your decision Alyssa, yes. I'm not advising on this. I'll point out alternatives but this is so personal it has to be your decision.'

'I'll think about it.'

'Well,' Barbara says, 'time's up. I'll be interested in how you go, so next time you can tell me. See my secretary. I've liked meeting you both.'

Dee hands the secretary a credit card. I wander to the door. Was that real expensive Dee?' I ask when we emerge into the street. That wasn't cheap.' `I have money if I can get it from my savings account.' Well, I'll speak to Jem about that. Maybe your parents have insurance but it's not for you to worry about.' It does worry me. I don't like costing you money.'

`Lord 'a mercy girl! You stop worrying. Now we are going to shop, not exotic, just everyday wear for school and around. I watched the kids going in yesterday when I took Nathan so I have a fair idea. We'll get four or five outfits and some shoes fit for school, plus boots for winter, and that includes some proper boots for when it's snow and ice. Girls are such expensive creatures but I'm not complaining. I'm going to enjoy having a daughter.'

We pull into a large and sprawling Mall, a huge car park, and an impressive entrance. We shop and Dee educates me about clothes and what to look for like the materials label and care label. She feels the materials, actually the same things Jenn taught me but in excitement, I would have forgotten. I mean this is like Aladdin's cave and left to my own resources, I would probably have made loads of mistakes. These were all things, had I been born female, Mom would have taught me from an early age, and I now understand why women try to see so much before they actually open their purses. A dress that is dry clean only could prove more expensive than a dress costing twice as much as the one that will go through a cool wash program at home.

So we buy and carry to the car and buy and carry to the car. We have a pizza between us and Dee phones Jem they are good and enjoying the Boston Harbour tour. Lastly, we buy boots and shoes.

'Dee, this has been the best day ever, ever, really. It's been like all my Christmases since I was born, in one. Two weeks ago, I never imagined I would own seven minis, 3 dresses, two coats, six pairs of shoes and boots and lovely underwear, and other girl stuff. Oh Dee, thanks so much, you've been so brilliant.'

'Well it's all stuff a girl has to have and we can't have you going to school looking like Little Orphan Annie, you especially. I spent a bit more than we need on undies because I thought that would make up a bit for what you don't have.'

'They're lovely Dee, thanks. Real grown-up undies.'

'Good. Now what Barbara said, about coming out at school? Don't rush into making a decision. Maybe take the first week to size up the situation, two weeks, maybe more. There's no way anyone would know you're not a girl, so why tell 'em? It's no one's business.

'OK, yes I will think it over.'

After that, it's time to find the boys. We pick them up not far from the harbor and I sit in the back with Nathan.

'Nice girly day?' He asks and I wonder whether he is having a bit of a go but it seems not by the expression on his face. I must try to have more confidence in the people around me. It's just after being condemned and persecuted, it's unbelievable to find my new family, even Nathan, so accepting of my trans state.

'Yes, the best Nathan thanks. How was your boy's day?'

He tells me all about the Harbor and the 'Tea Party' and how that wasn't quite like the myth, and about the Pilgrim Fathers who settled at Plymouth and how they were Dutch and English and how they could hardly last the winter.

I fall asleep as the car drones north to Winshipton. We arrive at last and we all carry in my new clothes and things. We carry them up to my bedroom and stack them in the corner. I'm really tired and after a drink of hot chocolate, I take myself to bed. Dee and I will sort my wardrobe tomorrow. Then it's school on Monday. OMG! How will that be? I'm so excited about it and yet, really fearful, apprehensive too. I just hope the other kids won't bully. Kids can be the cruelest even with someone who is just well, like foreign, from a distant city.

Sunday morning and after breakfast Dee and I sort out my clothes, making sure I leave no labels on for other kids to have a laugh at. I have enough chinks in my armor without making more through carelessness.

I have three mini dresses to wear over skinny jeans, leggings in different colors, and thick tights, plus some tops and minis, and ankle socks if warm enough but probably not now, not until spring comes around again.

I have ankle boots, snow boots, some like hiking ankle boots, and rain boots with the appropriate socks for all. As well as smart ankle boots with three-inch heels, to wear with, well any of my outfits. I have some shoes with a low stiletto and some with a nearly four-inch heel. Dee joked that if Dad turned up again, I should wear them.

So as far as clothes go, I'm set except that of course, I can't really show my groin area. I mean I'm not large down there but kids have needle-sharp vision especially when you don't want them to have. Anything odd, especially when they are going through puberty, kids notice. I'm excited about tomorrow and also absolutely scared stiff.

'Dee? Can we talk?' What's up? Tomorrow?'

That and well that's inevitable, have to do school don't I. I was thinking about whether to be out, whether I should explain about how I am, like the latest scientific tests, trans brains working in a similar fashion to their target gender.'

`Do they?'

`Yes, in research in Holland but other places too, they examine brains solving problems with CT scanners. The way my brain works in spatial awareness tests is like the average female brain. There are other similarities too, like connectivity, girls have more white matter and there are differences in the hypothalamus. Obviously, there are variations in any gender but generally, trans girls' brains react like female brains and trans boys' like male brains. Being trans is not a choice, not a psychiatric illness, it's biological just as much as say, being born with a hole in the heart. Mostly they can repair a hole in the heart, they can't change my brain. I can't help that I'm trans, it's a handicap I have to live with.'

`So what have you decided?'

`I'm not sure but I'll be armed with all the facts.'

'I shall have to go online and educate myself. We better go down and get ready for Church, that's if you're coming? Are you?'

`Yes, why not. It was Dad's church I hated, not all churches, not God, unless of course, the Church hates me and those like me. I'm sure Jesus would love me. I'm positive about that.'

'Of course, he would. I have to think about what you say. Really? Your brain is actually like, well my brain?'

`So the researchers say. We are not deviants, sissy boys or butch girls, we literally have been given the wrong bodies or the wrong brains.'

'I have to try to imagine how it is in your skin, how I would feel. If I was forced to be a man, even though I'm far from being a girly girl, I would hate it and hate myself. I never really got it before. If I woke up in Jem's body, I don't think I could bear it, much as I love him, I wouldn't want to be him.'

'That's why so many trans commit suicide.'

'You must show me on the Internet. Then I think that's what you should say and be out at school. It sounds like something kids can understand.'

'I was thinking that too. I'd rather be honest. Later when I go to college after I've had SRS, I wouldn't want to be out. I just want to live as a female, not a third sex.'

'Well that's a few years away isn't it?' Dee asks.

'Only four years Dee, only four and you know those years will fly by. If you think back to what you were doing four years ago, some special event that happened, it seems like only a few months. Life flies by. Even my last really unhappy four years, now I'm away from dad and mom, seem to have gone like a flash. It was just before my tenth birthday when I first demanded to be a girl. That was such a horrible time. A horrible time.' Tears start in my eyes.

'Hey, none of that. Remember, you now have makeup and we don't want to spoil that do we?' She uses a tissue to dab my eyes. She kisses the top of my head. 'You have a lot of educating to do my lady. Boys, time for church!' She shouts.

The Church is a small, boarded building, white painted with red doors and a neat little walkway to the door that has a balustrade on each side like a ship's gangway. A sweet bell tower sits above. It looks very homely, like from a fairy story. We are greeted at the door by the pastor, a woman and who knows everyone and shakes hands with all and hangs onto my hand while Jem explains that I'm his niece from Virginia. 'A long story that I'll share if you visit Elizabeth,' he says to the pastor. I'm relieved the pastor is a woman. I have developed quite a fear of men, since my visit to the Pantonsville Pastorium. I go and sit with Nate and Jem while Dee chats with a couple of people. I turn and see she's talking to Elizabeth, now inside the church and the church doors are closed. Dee comes and sits beside me and puts a comforting arm around me and kisses my hair. That's so nice. I want to cry with joy.

Back home in Pantonsville, I think my mom had forgotten how to love me or perhaps she was giving the love a boy would need rather than a girl, which was how I thought of myself, but I had the needs of a girl. I needed love and cherishing, gentleness, little girly treats and I didn't get any of that.

The Reverend Elizabeth took the steps to the altar and choir, turned, and stood while the organ fell silent and the congregation stopped chattering.

There were announcements about a bring and buy in aid of Afghan children, a Fall barbecue open to all, and then a welcome for Alyssa Lindsay who was now homed with 'our good friend Jeremiah Rowlandson'.

No mention was made of Dee, though most must have known she and Jem were cohabiting and therefore 'living in sin'. Perhaps that was just taken as the modern way up here I thought. Anyway, it was much embarrassment for me, because I had to stand and look around the nearly packed church, with at least a hundred, maybe two hundred pairs of eyes upon me. I tried a smile and hoped it was not a scowl and felt myself blush. I sat again feeling very hot. Dee whispered, 'It's OK'.

After service we had coffee and everyone chatted and both Jem and Dee seemed to know everyone.

This girl comes up to me and introduces herself, 'Leila Daniels.'

`Alyssa Lindsay.' I say shyly.

'Yeah, I know. My parents are friends of your Uncle and Dee and everyone knows them. I live just up the road from you, so we can hang out. I think we are the same age? Mom said Dee had told her you're fourteen, and so am I. You're going to my school too.'

'Oh that's great I'd love to hang. I don't know anyone.'

'Well, there's no other girls our age in our part of Winshipton. Do you ride?'

'I never really have, just like a bit on holiday a morning here and there. Why do you?'

'We keep five horses, well three ponies I suppose to be accurate, and two horses. I could teach you to ride.'

'That would be brilliant thanks.' 'Come over about three, we'll have finished lunch by then.' 'I'll have to ask Uncle and Dee.'

'Give us a call. Here's my number.' She shows me her phone and I put her number in. I dial and she picks up. 'Got yah Aly. See you later, the parents are waiting.'

Dee and Jem join me at the SUV. 'Made a friend?' Jem asks. 'I think so. Leila Daniels.' 'I know, lives by us. Everything OK there?' 'She invited me to see the horses this afternoon.' 'Good. You going?' 'I thought I would. Just I think I will have to tell her I'm trans. I don't want to deceive people.'

'So are you going to go right through life telling everyone?' Jem

asks.

'I think I need to, here, in this small town and school. I feel sure it will get out or kids at school will know when I don't do gym or games and I use the staff loo.'

Well, I just negotiated that one. Saw the Headmistress and they have agreed that you use the girl's toilets. Just games and gym.'

But they say I have to run instead and if I can run, why not do basketball and gym? Kids will ask. What possible answer can I give to that?'

Well, that's a good point.'

We talked about this before church. She's decided to be out, haven't you Alyssa?'

`Yes, starting this afternoon with Leila. If I tell her, then I tell everyone. I can't ask her to keep a secret. I think it's no one or, everyone.'

`I hope you're right Alyssa. I don't know what you are. Anyway, you made a good friend, the Daniels are good people. Just think about things. I don't see why you have to disclose personal secrets. Think about it. Don't rush in.'