I should have been a girl - Chapter 12

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Leila welcomes me in and introduces me to her Mom and Dad who are busy doing something with fences, to make it safer for the horses, replacing wire with white-painted paddock fencing.

'When it's done it will look real classy,' Leila says as she takes me to the stables. There are two ponies there, the other three are in an adjoining paddock.

'I thought, get you in the saddle on a leading rein and we can do an hour through the woods, just to see how you like it. I won't teach you much just give you a feel for it. I hope you like it because it would be fun to have someone to ride with. This one is Alfie, my pony and this is April. Alfie is a gelding if you know what that is?'

'A boy?'

'Well yes except that boys, stallions tend to be very lively and therefore a bit dangerous to ride so they are castrated and they calm down. He's mine. You'll be in April, a girl, a mare. They are both fourteen-two, which means they just qualify as ponies. Fourteen hands and three they would be horses.' She explains all about measuring. I already know from this opening conversation, she lives and breathes horses. Still, I'm prepared to learn.

So she 'puts me up' on April and off we go and I feel like a little child, following behind like a kid on a donkey at the State Fair. First off, I feel it's a bit high up and I think I'll fall off but gradually I feel more secure She keeps looking back and she has plenty of instructions and encouragement.

We stop at a mountain stream with a little shallow pool and get down and let the ponies drink.

'So now you know, this is me, horse mad Leila. Tell me about yourself, why you have come to live with Dee and Jem?'

'I was unhappy at home, so I ran away and Uncle Jem has allowed me to live with them.'

'Don't your parents mind?'

'Sure, they came up to take me home, but they had done things and Jem said no way.'

'What did they do? Beat you?'

'Something like.' I pause and look her in the eyes. She's really fair, even more, fair skinned than me, freckles and very blue eyes, nearly white hair and eyebrows and no makeup, but very pink lips. Her fine hair is pulled back in a French plait.

'I gotta tell you.' I say, 'something really personal and I hope you will still be my friend.'

'Wow, this sounds heavy. Are you sure?' 'I want to be honest.' 'OK. So what is your enormous secret?'

'Biologically I'm a boy.' I watch for signs of rejection, but her face remains the same.

'You mean like your body?'

'Yes. I was born a boy but with a girl's brain. I like being a girl and hate being a boy. My parents said I had to be a boy, and they had me beaten and thrown away all my girl things. So I ran away.'

'Crikey. They have a name for that, don't they? Tran something?'

'Transsexual. Yes.' I say nothing else and there's a silence between us. I wait in this lovely little glade with the water tinkling and the horse harness jingling for her reaction.

She smiles. That must be hard, thinking girl and having to be a boy. They beat you?'

`These men at the Church stripped me. I was wearing girl panties under my boy things, took all my clothes off, cut the panties off and beat me, slapped me all over to get the devil out of me.' men?'

`What took all your clothes? You were naked? In front of all those `Yes.'

`That's terrible. No wonder you ran away. So you're a girl now, does that mean like forever?'

`Yes. I'm on medication to make me a girl, so I get breasts and I have to have surgery too.'

So then you'll be a proper girl?' `Yes, except I won't be able to have babies.' Well, I don't want babies. Maybe a foal but not a squalling baby, nappies, and all that. Would you want a baby?' `Yes, I think so, I mean when I was old enough and met the right person. Does it make any difference? Are we still friends?'

Of course. You are just a girl to me.' She holds out a hand and I think she will just shake, so I give her my hand and she sort of holds my hand up so our wrists are together. I feel really weird. She releases me.

She pulls a small folding knife from her pocket and rinses it in the stream. She returns to where I stand transfixed, wondering what she is going to do.

This is really sharp. Give me your hand.'

I give my hand. There's a sharp prick as she puts the sharp point into my wrist making a tiny cut and then she does the same to herself without any sign of apprehension at hurting herself. I watch as a bubble of blood becomes a trickle from my wrist and hers is the same. She puts our wrists together as she had before.

'Now,' she says, we are blood sisters of the Piscataqua.' She leads me to some bushes and I wonder what will happen next. This being autumn there are cobwebs on many of the bushes, and she commands I suck the wound and spit and then she places cobwebs over the pinprick. There is no more blood. Whether that is the cobweb or the wound has just healed I don't know.

'Thanks for telling me.' She says. 'It doesn't make any difference. You are now my sister and what hurts you will hurt me and the other way round. So what are you going to do at school? I mean you will be a girl there too?'

'Oh yes. No more boy. What should I do at school? Should I tell?' 'Stay mum.' 'I shan't do games or gym. Kids will want to know why?' 'They will. That's difficult. Can't you do sports?'

'I might show and then there are changing rooms. No, I can't. I will change after and go for a run, come back, and change. It's the changing more than anything.'

'I guess. Just say that running is your chosen sport and you have to train because one day you hope to be in the Olympics.'

'That's a bit far-fetched. I don't like lying.'

'Perhaps just say nothing then. You look like a girl and sound like a girl, so you are a girl. Just this sports thing. Maybe if you didn't do sport at all, and had extra lessons, that would be better. If the kids see you run and yet you can't do gym and sports, they'll smell a rat. If you just do extra lessons, you can say you have a medical problem and you just can't. It's like the truth, you have a medical problem for real, sister Sparkling Waters. That's your Abenaki name. I just christened you. They pick something that was significant at the moment of birth.

Then what's your name?'

She Who Rides', that's my name.' She giggles and kisses my cheek. Her face changes again to serious. You must be very brave. I can't imagine how much guts it could have taken to dress as a girl and run. Those men, stripping you naked and beating you, I would have wanted to die. This is something so big, something within you that you can't resist. I'm your friend, always remember that.'

Vow, that's such a relief, thank you, She Who Rides. I'm so glad you spoke to me at Church.'

`So am I. I think you should see the headmistress and the counselor, Mrs. McCain, and say about this running thing. You can always run from home to keep fit. I don't think you should tell everyone, why should you? It's personal, but thanks for telling me. That was honest and brave. Friends forever.'

`Blood sisters.' I say, and we both giggle. Anyway, how was it coming up here in April?' `OK except for the steep bit, I thought I was going to fall off the back.'

You can always hang on the pommel, but just put your feet back and keep your body straight. Going down as we will now, the opposite, legs forward and away from her sides and body back. Shout if it's too difficult but I think you can do it. When the snow comes, we can ski.'

'I don't know how.' `Dee will soon teach you. She's a brilliant teacher.' You love it here, don't you? I think I shall too. It's like paradise.'

Near to, Sparkling Waters. It must be near to, as near as we can get on this planet. Can you mount or do you need a hand?'

I'll have a go.' I put my left foot in the stirrup and hoist myself up. Well done girl.' Leila is soon up herself, effortlessly. I really like this girl.

We arrive back safely. I find we don't just park the horses, ponies I should say, we have to take off the tack and the saddle is so heavy. Leila shows me and explains everything as we do it. Then we brush the ponies down and give them fresh water and fresh straw. Lastly, we give them feed and make sure their hay nets are full.

'I better get going for supper.' I say. 'Thanks, it's been brilliant, and sisters, that's the best.'

`Just come and see my mom and dad. I won't tell them, you know about trans. If they ever find out I'll just be cool and say I knew, but they would be cool, just why should you tell? It's personal.'

So I meet her parents and they are really nice and her brother comes home in his car with his girl and I go home.

I help Dee with dinner and tell her about my afternoon and how Leila thought things out.

'She's not the brightest at school but has plenty of guts and skis like a dream. She's a really nice kid. So, blood sisters eh. I think I did that with Rosemary Jenkins. Let's see the wound.'

I show her the little cut.

`If it turns red, tell me. It'll be OK but don't make a habit of it. Go up and pick an outfit for tomorrow. I'm taking you in and we'll ask to see the Headmistress and the counselor and sort out this sports business. That Leila, she has a lot of common sense.'

Next day I dress carefully and Dee inspects me. 'You'll do, every inch junior high girl. Now you phone me at lunchtime and let me know how it goes, OK?'

`Yes, Dee.'

Jem looks up from his paper and eggs. 'OK girl, you look great. Knock 'ern dead Alyssa.'

`Thanks, Jem.'

'In the car then you two,' and we all troop out to the old SUV. I climb in the back because Nathan is accustomed to sitting with Mom up front.

We drive the five miles with ease and enter the school car park. There are kids all over leaving vehicles and walking into school. Dee locks and we walk to the Admin building while Nathan gives a `Seeya', and is away with a group of friends.

My antenna is at full alert, watching other girls, making sure I've dressed appropriately, not over the top nor out of the fashion. I see two girls in mini skirts and thick tights with sloppy jumpers, just like me so that's OK. I see myself as we approach the glass doors of Admin and check myself out again. I guess I'm going to do this a lot until I have enough confidence that I pass. Thank goodness my voice hasn't broken, cause that would have been a dead giveaway.

We arrive at the Head's suite and Dee enters and asks to see the headmistress.

I think she's busy with a teacher at the moment. Can you wait?'

`Sure. We'll wait but this is Alyssa who starts today and I need to have a word with the Head and a word with the Counsellor.'

`Oh, I see. I'll just interrupt the head because I think Miss Almey, Alyssa's teacher is in there now.'

She disappears inside the Head's office and I think I'm going to be sick. 'Mom,' I say.

`You OK honey?' 'I feel sick.' `Really?' 'I don't think I will be but oh gosh, I'm so nervous.' `You can go in.' `Are you going to do this Alyssa?' `I've got to Mom.'

She rubs my back and we walk towards the open door. We enter the office. An older woman sits behind the desk and I vaguely remember her from Church yesterday. The other woman is, I would guess thirty, younger than Dee anyway.

`I've brought Alyssa in to start today but we are worried about the sports separation. We have an alternative suggestion.'

'I see. Well, the changing facilities do pose a problem.' Mrs Linton the Headmistress says.

`Well, we have a suggestion. If she runs instead of playing sport or gym, she will be immediately marked out and she would still have to shower and change. I suggest that she is excused from sports, she studies instead, we can say for medical reasons, which is not far from the truth. I will undertake to make sure she gets plenty of exercise at home. I am after all a qualified ski instructor as well as a qualified PE teacher. I think children will immediately question if she runs but doesn't go to the gym.'

You have a good point. What do you think Miss Almey.'

I think if we are furnished with a doctor's letter, then she should be excused from games. We were just talking about you Alyssa. We hope you'll be happy here. Your reports from Pantonsville are excellent, so I expect a lot from you.' Miss Almey says.

Was there anything else?' Mrs Linton asks.

No, I think that was all that was worrying us. I would just like to say, Alyssa was thinking of being 'out' but the only friend she has yet made here, Leila Daniels, has advised her not to be. I think Leila has a wise head on her shoulders. If it's found out, then she can always come out and explain the science, for there is science, but it's personal. She should not be expected to disclose what could be considered a life handicap.'

Is that how you feel Alyssa?'

`Yes Ma'am. If I'm to go through life as a marked person, I may as well have it tattooed on my forehead. If it's discovered that I'm trans, then I'll put together a talk of explanation, the science of why trans are trans.'

`Very well. We are I confess, feeling our way here because you are our first trans student. Some have transitioned after leaving, one person actually, so the situation is completely unknown. You Alyssa, are really creating the instruction manual for how you are handled here. If there is a problem, please let me or Miss Almey know. Now it's late. Would you go with Miss Almey who is your form teacher and she will introduce you to the class. Here is your enrolment pack, a classroom map, and a timetable. Have we a companion for her Miss Almey?'

'I was going to ask for a volunteer but as she knows Leila, I think she's the one.'

I go with Miss Almey, feeling really sick and apprehensive. She puts a hand on my back. 'I'm sure you'll be fine and you'll fit right in.'

We enter a classroom and twenty or so heads turn towards us. The chatter ceases.

`Sorry, we're late class. We have a new class member, Alyssa Lindsay who has come to live in Winshipton from Virginia. Leila, will you be her companion and look after her, please? Good girl, I thought you would. Perhaps you could sit together? Jane, would you mind moving to the next desk? Thank you. So introductions. I'll call the register and today please, stand when I call your names.'

She calls the roll and names just bounce off my ears, I don't stand a chance of remembering any of them. All I know is that they are predominantly white Anglo-Saxon and maybe Protestant too for all I know. I don't care as long as they're nice to me. I just can't believe I'm here, Monday, a girl at Lawrence Senior when last Tuesday I was a boy at Pantonsville High.

I sit, not completely comfortable, hoping that I'm not looking like a boy, not doing anything boy rather than the girl. I look surreptitiously at other girls, their clothes and how they wear them and their attitudes, and those who are mini-skirted as I am; how they manage their skirts sitting, knees together; legs crossed or uncrossed. I take in their makeup and nails, hairstyles.

I think I'm OK. For the first lesson, I hardly hear a word, I'm so distracted, but it was English and we were studying Steinbeck, the Grapes of Wrath, which I have read and I had seen the old black and white film with Henry Fonda. The book was written in nineteen-thirty-nine only six or seven years after the actual 1930s crisis of successive drought years in ok lahoma and the film was made a year after the book was published. It was a favorite book but now I understand more, I'm not so keen. It's a view of our country I find harsh, citizen against citizen, in competition with each other just to eat. I'm assured by my last English teacher that it was an accurate comment on the age when it was written and my old teacher also said in some ways, not much had changed.

So, although I was distracted and self-consciously comparing myself to the other girls, I'll have no problem writing the essay we have for homework. I'm a girl in school. I just can't get over it. After all the years of heartache and hating my boyhood, here I am, looking like a girl, being a girl, reacting and talking like a girl, a girl among girls and boys.

The next lesson, Chemistry, is in the lab. Leila takes me there and chatters on the way and a couple of her friends, Gail and Valentina, inevitably reduced to Tina, walk with us. They form, I realize, part of Leila's little gang, girls from our area that lies to the south of Lawrence.

So we put lab coats on and goggles and we are making stills, bending the glass, and passing the steam through a cooler that is preformed. It's easy stuff. I did this two years ago. Relief. All we are doing is distilling a salt solution, so we end with salt and water separated to demonstrate what some desert nations have to do.

Therefore, we progress in forty-five-minute lessons until lunch and I have elected to just snack at lunch because we have a family meal for Jem in the evening. It won't be like that when Dee starts her ski instruction and guiding.

There's a gym in the afternoon and that gives me time to write my appreciation of Steinbeck and the Grapes, not to finish but I get well into it. Then we have history and math.

End of day one and I have survived, talked to a few girls, explained that my family in Virginia was difficult and I had been sent to my uncle. As Leila and I walk to the car pick-up point, I ask whether I passed.

What do you mean?'

Well, I acted and looked like a girl, not a boy.'

You are a girl, aren't you? You were fine. Relax. Look girls are not all alike, some are boyish some feminine, some outgoing, some repressed. You were just a bit shy, a bit quiet but that's sort of normal for a new girl. No one was looking and saying, that's a guy in a skirt. You're more feminine than I am.'

I don't think so.'

`Oh, you really are. The way you use your hands and speak for a start. You're a girl all right, a babe. So, you took my advice, no sport?'

`Dee said you possessed a lot of common sense. I think so too.'

`I'm not the brightest in class mainly because I'm not interested. I'll go into our timber business and ride my horse. That's it for me, the future is mapped out. You'll probably end up a senator or something, hey maybe our first trans president.'

That's unlikely. This nation isn't ready for a woman yet.'

Teah but that was for lots of reasons. There will be a woman one day. So not politics?'

No, I'd like to be a doctor I think, or a vet.'

Tuck, dealing with sick people all day. Still yeah, it must be rewarding like if you're a surgeon and transplanting a heart. Think of that, taking a heart out, putting another in, and stitching everything up. Not much room for error would there be.'

Nathan arrives beside us and then Dee's SUV turns in. I find that my new friend is traveling with us. Life is good. My new best friend has a good and lively mind, just not that interested in schoolwork.