I should have been a girl - Chapter 13

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At home that first evening, I'm sent out to run, part of the bargain made at school to replace the gym. I'm not that used to running but I have to get exercise, so I set off on a little circuit of side roads and lanes. The circuit according to Dee, is up and downhill and one and a half miles. I manage it twice which Dee says is enough for a start. After homework and dinner, Dee reminds me that I have to email Mom and also Grace who was so good to me on my journey.

I just tell Mom the bare facts, that I'm in school, as a girl and have survived my first day. I send her a photo of the school and one Dee takes with her little camera of me in my school wear. I get some pleasure that she and Dad are seeing me as a girl again which must be like driving a thorn into their eyes. I wonder whether they will show that to the Brethren and pray over the photo or stick pins in or something. I'm half worried that I'll feel crippled by their pins.

I send the same photo to Grace and a long letter, well for me, about everything, like the place, like how good the family is to me and about school and making a super friend. I tell her about Boston and the Counsellor and being on Spiro. Lastly, I hope she is well and I thank her for being so wonderful to me. I would love to see her again. That done, I kiss everyone good night and I'm into bed.

Thereafter running becomes a task for three evenings a week, leaving the weekend free. After a month, I can do three circuits in under a half-hour and Dee's satisfied.

School progresses, no problems, I'm just another girl and making friends mainly through Leila who has a wonderful casual manner. She hasn't much sense of humor. I mean most teen girls I have found, are giggling about all sorts that boys would just grimace at. Boys like sex, and find that grossly humorous, but girls laugh at completely different things.

It suits me because I don't find the thought of sex at all humorous. If I think about sex at all, it's with ambivalence whether it will be with a boy or a girl. I am drawn to some boys, even guys that have beards and are plainly quite macho but, and here is a confession, I can imagine kissing a girl and not just in a friendly fashion. That I do every day, kissing Leila when we share rides to school, which is most days. Her dad or mom, Dee or occasionally Jem do the school run and we always kiss morning and night

Jem is the rock I cling to. Always cool, always just, always gentle. I have never seen him angry. Yes, he can lay down the law and set rules and, he is quite strict in some ways but never angry. He's just so calm and like the picture in the church of God delivering the tablets of stone to Moses, he says that is the law and we see the sense and justice of his decision.

Leila teaches me to ride and I progress enough to be off the leading rein and even have a canter up the sandy track that leads to the top of our local mountain. When I say I'm frightened of running in the forest Leila runs with me. She really is a brilliant girl. I wish Jenn could be here too. I hear from her, she now has a boyfriend but she says, she's not keen and is going to dump him.

November arrives and I have been here five weeks. Halloween and we all go trick or treating, me dressed as something between Cinderella and a witch, Nathan as some TV horror character and Leila is Annie Oakley. I make up and then Dee says too pretty and makes me into an old crone. I would rather have been a pretty princess.

Mid-November and the snow arrives. Dee is busy with preparations for the ski season and is already engaged in school lessons in the afternoon. I join the beginners and with Nathan's encouragement, and I have to say, reckless enthusiasm, I am soon going downhill far too fast for my skill level. I really enjoy it.

Another great joy is we now have the puppy home and that means a lot of play and a lot of puppy training. Jem and Dee have strict rules for dogs. Never upstairs. In the family room as long as someone is with them. Never on the seating, only on the floor and we have to teach him the rules, to be at our side when on the lead, not pulling and he has to be sociable with other animals, which is not just dogs, but cats, our cat for a start, horses and any other creatures. No jumping up, no barking when the door is knocked. Saturday nine-thirty to ten-thirty, most weekends we go to puppy training. It's more hard work for us than it is for the dogs.

I have a second consultation with Barbara Lambert and that's fine. She seems to think I'm doing pretty well, so we don't need to make the journey for three months. That's a real relief because I feel so guilty about the time and money that it all costs.

December comes in and every minute of free time we spend on the ski slope. With the help of Nathan and Dee, I make really good progress. The weather up here is so cold and everyone wraps up, hats and all.

I keep writing Mom, one email a week and I get one back. Sometimes they are heart-breaking, pleading for me to go home and promising things will be so different. They would allow me to have girl clothes but only to wear around the house. At school, I would have to be a boy and see a psych, to have treatment to 'get over my obsession'.

I write back immediately. 'No deal Mom, you just don't get it, do you. I quote the American Psychiatric Association, which has banned the practice of trying to counsel trans people from being trans, saying they consider it dangerous and it results in suicide. Anyway, I add, I hate Dad and I wouldn't return while he is in the house. I know that's wrong, making Mom feel split between Dad and me, but it's the truth.

I still write Grace and she always sends back a few lines, wishing me well and thanking me for the 'update.' I'm not sure now whether she still wants contact but she commanded that I write and so I do.

Christmas two thousand and two arrives and I think back to a year ago when I was trying to shop for my family, not knowing what to buy and in truth, not wanting to spend money on them because they would not allow me to be a girl and my brother just continued to mock and make trouble.

This year I try to shop in Lawrence but there really is little there other than country clothing and ski wear and liquor or chocolates. I'm relieved when Dee says we are going to Boston to the Christmas shop. I make my list, Nathan, Jem, Dee, and Leila. I want to send Jenny something, so I think perhaps a voucher for one of the teen shops. Leila I know would like riding gloves because hers are worn. Dee well, I know she uses perfume and I know what she likes. Jem is down for Scotch whiskey and Nathan for a computer game. That's it. I send Mom a card for her only. I send one to Jenn, including a gift token. The best card I can find I send to Grace.

I help with the Christmas preparations. We all decorate the house, inside and out and the red and green stands out contrasting with the white-painted board house, so typical of New England. Dee and I make the pudding and Nate and Jem give a stir to bring good luck, and we set that to cook five weeks ago. Now we make the cake, a rich fruit cake the recipe that has been handed down from her great-grandmother from sometime post the Civil War, when her family first came from Scotland. Another recipe she has is mince pies, sweet and tasty, made for any surprise visitors.

Leila, Nathan and I go to Carol singing. We only know two carols well but the houses are well spaced out so there's no overlap in our singing. It takes us on quite a long walk on a night that is pitch black and a thin fall of snow descends. We have an old storm lantern on a pole and we really look the part. We have a sprinkling of snow on our clothes and hats. Nathan has a good voice and Leila is good too. I know my voice, though still unbroken thanks to the spironolactone, is OK but I think I sound a bit like an injured lamb. I say so and Leila laughs. 'Not what I hear girlfriend,' she says.

As we have appeared on such a night we do really well with the ten or fifteen neighbors we visit, including having fruit punch and chocolates. We agree to put the money in Church funds.

Dee's Mom comes to stay Christmas Eve, driving a great old gas-guzzling Chevy. Jem tells her she should get something modern and smaller, but the old lady, she must be sixty at least, says sharply, 'She ain't never let me down yet, Jeremiah.'

Christmas day we go to Church early in our ski wear and then we all go to the slopes, while Dee's mom returns to baste the turkey. There are not so many skiers about as people visit relatives or are preparing dinners. We have a super time, my friend Leila was with us and she skis with a style I envy. I watch and do my best to follow and imitate her moves. She weaves between the piste marker poles and I try to emulate but end sprawled face down in the snow. Jem hauls me up like I'm a puppy and brushes me down actually quite gently. He smiles, 'You OK, no pain?'

'No uncle, I'm fine. Perhaps I'm too ambitious.'

'Hope, go for it, push yourself, that's how you learn.'

At one o'clock we all make for home, dropping Leila first and I watch as she marches into her house skis over her shoulder and she takes off her ski boots on the front porch. She seems so competent at everything physical, more like a boy but she has the gentleness and concern of a young woman. She is the same height as me, and her build is tiny I should think only a four but she is, perfectly formed. I love that girl just as much as I loved Jenn. Leila and Jenn are so different but have the same calm sweet nature.

As I clamber up the steps to our porch to sit and remove my ski boots, I look out at the view. White-painted houses and chalets, partly obscured by conifers heavy with last night's snow, the sun half obscured by high clouds and glimpses of brilliant blue sky. The snow glimmers as if scattered with a billion small diamonds.

I look at myself, mirrored in the front door's glass, my white ski outfit with baby blue embroidered flowers and veins. I love it and love my long hair, gold and soft that falls like a silk scarf about my shoulders. Last Christmas I hated my life, hated myself and my family. This year I love myself, as I look at my reflection, I smile. I love my new family, my school and this place, the house, the forest, my friends, and even Church.

Our Church here is easygoing, nice people, social and caring. Here I have found the loving God I believed in, rather than the punitive, loveless, coercive God of the Brethren. This is what religion should be about and Pastor Elizabeth reminds me just slightly of Friar Tuck in those old Robin Hood films they occasionally show on TV. She is not afraid to take a glass of wine, share a joke, or even be a little naughty. She is a size and likes her food as I saw when she dined with us, just like the good Friar Tuck but she is busy in the community, comforting, not by meaningless cliches but by an embrace or holding a hand. She seems to have a special place in her heart for me but maybe, that's the gift she has, making everyone feel special.

We are going to sit down at five for a slap-up and happy meal. In contrast with last year, our silent house of unhappiness was mainly caused by me, my sinfulness, and my continued averment that I'm a girl, creating discord. I was so unhappy, staring male puberty, horror of horrors, in the face, thinking that in a year's time, I might have stubble, coarsening skin, muscles, and body hair. I felt then, that at any minute, I like Dr Jekyll would become Mr Hyde, an ugly hateful creature, at least to my own eyes. My despair then is nothing compared to my joy now, twelve months later. It's like a miracle.

I take in my ski wear and put my boots away and carry my clothes up to my closet. I make my face and put on my prettiest dress and four-inch platform sandals. Lastly, I fluff my hair with the drier and squirt perfume.

I smile and the girl in the mirror smiles back. I'm so happy, unbelievably happy.

I go down. I use my mobile and phone Jenny and we talk for half an hour. She misses me as much as I miss her. She is boyfriendless and pleased to be so. We both say we miss each other but she's glad I'm so happy. I send greetings to all her family who were always lovely to me and a kiss for dear Payton. I send her a photo from my phone, the first I have ever taken with a phone, so she can see how I am and show her family.

Next, I phone Grace, thinking that probably I won't get her. I'm surprised when she herself answers.

'Grace, it's Alyssa. I just wanted to say, Happy Christmas and send you my love.'

'Child it's so lovely to hear from you. I have a party going on, just let me close this door against the noise.' The hubbub reduces. 'That's better.' She says. 'How are you doing?'

'Oh Grace, I'm so happy, you just can't imagine how happy I am, so much happier than that sad shy girl you met on the train. Grace, I will never ever forget how lovely and caring you were. I love you so much.'

'You'll have me in tears and tears I don't do. I love you too honey. It was my pleasure to get to know you and to give a little help to a child in distress. I take it everything is fine?'

'Couldn't be better, barring having a real girl body. I can wait for that, but when I'm eighteen, as soon as, I hope to have surgery and before that, estrogen.'

'I'm glad to hear you so happy. I know you tell me that in your emails but I can hear it in your voice. Nice of you to ring. Is Jem available?'

'He's here, yes, in the den hiding from Dee's mom.'

May I speak to him?' Sure, I'll carry you through.' I take my phone through and give it to Jem and sit on his knee while he speaks.

Well, Grace, that would be mighty nice. No, I don't think we have real plans for New Year. It's a slow time for me and I think Dee can take a couple of days. Sure, I'll have to check. Just a minute.' He bumps me from his knee, his arm about my waist so I don't fall and we head for the kitchen where dinner is happening.

`Grace wants us all to go to New York for New Year's Eve and New Year's day. What do you think. Can you get away?'

NY?'

`Sure and why not? Sounds beautiful eh kids? You all want to see `Yes please.' We both say.

It's a big yes from us all Grace. You'll email directions. That's fine. Happy Christmas to you. Thanks again. Yes, we'll have a great catch-up.'

Well, you made a hit there Alyssa. Friend for life. I wonder where she lives?'

`I expect it's a great big brownstone, two or three of them turned into a mansion with a car park beneath with a sports room and a swimming pool.' My imagination has run wild, just making everything up.

Is that what she told you? Dee asks. She didn't tell me anything, just I was imagining.' `Might be the Empire State!' Nathan says. Well no good imagining kids. We'll see when the email comes.'

We have a super Christmas dinner and then we open presents. I have so much girl stuff, nice bath oil, skin creams and a makeup set, gift vouchers to buy clothes when we go to Boston Mall and a bank card, one that has to be kept in credit but it has five hundred dollars in and it came from Mom so perhaps she does love this sinner after all.

I would kiss her if she was here, but she isn't and at the moment, I would not like her to be. I still feel very insecure, wondering whether they will try to get me back somehow so they can save my soul with another thrashing. Thinking of them, my old family, I suddenly begin to blub, can't help it. Dee's Mom is the first to react, springing from her chair like a twenty-year-old and clamping me to her ample bosom, kissing my forehead and stroking my hair, and rubbing my back. Gradually I come back down. Re-bekah, for that's Dee's mom's name, releases me and I manage a smile through tearful eyes.

`You OK now Alyssa?' Jem asks.

'Yes thanks, Uncle, just I was thinking about last Christmas and my mom and she has been so generous.'

'Well she is your Mom, and girls and their moms, it's always a strong tie. We can always go see her you know?'

'No Jem. They'll not have changed. Just you know, like well Christ-mas and thoughts. I want to say, this is my best ever Christmas since I don't know when that I can remember and you have all made me so happy.'

So that's our Christmas, my first as a girl, a long time coming and a short time gone. Next will be New Year and another adventure.